Dear ERC,
You are in the exact position I was in 10 years ago. My H didn’t have cancer but it was a typical mid life crisis affair (but the OW was not a friend — but she was 20 years younger).
I too was blindsided.
I too was blamed for his "unhappiness".
I have to tell you that I unlike me, you have made two very smart moves. One was not allowing him to live with you and second was doing the 180.
I did neither and watched my H manipulate me for six months. I was like a yo-yo. He’d demand a Divorce— then change his mind. Then things would be ok for a day or two, then he’d demand a D again.
And for six months I went along with it. Then I learned while I was reconciling (or trying to) he was cheating. 😡😡😡
At this point you cannot "reason" with him. He’s beyond that. He’s justified his affair in his mind (and blamed you btw). Typical cheater move BTW.
You are smart to get your own counseling too.
He may be all in on this affair right now. Think of it like the shiny new toy. It’s new and exciting and he’s pretty much acting like a kid with his first crush. He believes the OW is his "soul mate" kinda crap.
And then reality will sink in.
It may take days or weeks or months or even years. However there will be a moment when the cheaters realize they are in a bad situation b/c the affair started out with lies and cheating. They will have distrust. They will have doubts about their ability to trust the other person.
And things will unravel.
Now your H could be the kind of person who will never admit he’s made a mistake. He would rather pretend he’s happy with the OW than admit he’s made a bad choice.
If that’s the case then you won’t have any choice but to D him. And as time moves on you may decide the marriage is permanently destroyed and you could not reconcile with him.
Going NC and kicking him out is NOT sending him directly to the OW’s arms. It’s more if a position that you are not allowing him to cheat in front of your face and disrespecting you further.
My H paraded his affair in front of me (looking back). He literally stepped over me as I sat in the floor crying my eyes out less than 24 hours after dropping the bomb to go to a July 4th BBQ. I was in no shape to go and he just walked out. He was not going to "deal" with the fall out.
Fast forward 6 months later and he’s BEGGING me to R. Of course that happened after I told him I was D him. A few days later I kicked him out. And I did the 180 as best I could while living with him & kids.
I played hardball when he wanted to R. I demanded a post nup to even consider it. I did not lift one finger to help him during R. He was in his own to turn this around.
I don’t know if your H is a coward or not. By that I mean if he realizes he’s made a mistake if he would reach out to you.
But you need to be prepared for it. Just in case it happens.
Keep Posting here. I was not aware of SI during my H’s MLC affair so I made the typical mistakes. I accepted blame for the affair. I allowed him to lie and manipulate me during his affair. I made excuses for him. I accepted crumbs and believed his lies.
You are smarter than that!! Don’t doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing (even if your H is out there doing whatever he wants). You have set the stage to let him know you are a force to be reckoned with.
See an attorney just to learn your rights. It will help you understand what you need to do to protect yourself financially and legally.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:04 AM, Thursday, June 8th]