SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ADHD silver spoon born husband had a full blown affair 30 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. He didn't stop the affair(despite swearing he had) until I drove him to her house and said Pick One. In the years since then he has from time to time dabbled/immersed himself in nude beaches, interactive porn, chat roulette, web site dating posts, massages with happy endings, tantra massages, having a 25 year later
"Catch up lunch" with his affair partner while I was out of town, gambling via blackjack, buying binges of a new big motorcycle, for example, etc.

I have chosen to stay for a variety of reasons and lead my own life. He and I are cordial & generally don't fight. (I am able to assume he is guilty and remind myself, it is up to me to go or stay if I can't live with his escapade cycle.

He does see a psychiatrist and psychologist for "life and family of origin issues." After a couple of periods where things were good, we tested for STDs (clear), we had a second child and engaged in sex or fun play for the next 20 ish years. This was off and on, but never a fabulous sex life. At age 60, after a dismally failed polygraph asking "about other sexual encounters after your affair," and 2 other similar questions, the polygrapher said he failed each question using multiple scoring methods. I finally gave up on getting to the truth and playing any gotcha games. My motto has been "Do what you want, you're gonna do it anyway." I told him if he want to chat about the reasons for failing the polygraph, then we can discuss sex again.

This has been 3 - 4 years ago. He does not initiate sex or a conversation about sex or our marriage. We are pretty much agreeable roommates. He frequents interactive computer sex sites and masturbates to them. He tells his buddies, "My wife wont have sex" when they all are comparing their 6th decade of sexual activity! My response is threefold: Yes, that's true until you want to discuss the polygraph. (His response always is," I've told you everything & I don't believe in polys.") Second, I ask Have you told your buddies about your history of crazy addictive behavior? And third, WTH are you talking to your buddies about our private life anyway? (We are all friends!). He says all guys talk about it!

I told him the ball is always in his court with sex. Until I feel safe, secure and protected, it just won't happen.

Am I missing anything? Intellectually, I know I am not. I just need others to weigh in to occasionally prop me up and keep me strong!

Of course you don’t have to do anything.

Don’t confuse your story with the AN thread.

He is in the wrong and should be moving mountains to make things up to you.

You are completely in the right.

You should think about what you want though in the long term.

You deserve someone who adores you and wants you in every way.

Just going to be the first to validate your feelings.

I’m sure this line will get long.

You are not at fault.

Married men DO NOT tall about their sex life, or lack of,with friends. My husband told me,years ago,that sure, when they were single,they might. But never wives. Out of respect.

He has no respect for you. But you know that. He's been disrespecting you for years.

Why are you tying yourself to a man who doesn't love you? Love is an action. I see nothing in what you've written that sounds like love.

Thank you Hellfire and confused! It is especially nice to hear "real husbands don't discuss their sex lives!"

Hope to hear from others!

My H has a very close friend with whom he discusses everything, just like I discuss everything with my BFF. He'd never talk about me in a group, but he does talk to his bestie. I don't begrudge him that, because I do the same thing.

I wouldn't have sex with your H either, if I were in your shoes. You've given him a solution and he hasn't taken you up on it. And I wouldn't feel one iota of guilt about it either.

Of course, it's all your fault. Everything is your fault. My XWH wouldn't take responsibility for things and was very good at playing the victim.

Years ago, XWH started going to IC. Then invited me along so we could do some MC. Then he stopped going. Years later, he said that he did that on purpose because I needed to be in IC and every problem in our M was my fault. (I should have left then.)

I think you should tell his buddies it is completely your fault because you want a real man in bed, and he has never satisfied you, he’s boring in bed, and has a small penis.

I apologize for the immature reply, but the way he has been treating you all these years really pissed me off. I hope it will at least bring a smile to your face. Ofc, you are not missing anything, and it is not your fault.

GG,from my humble perspective, you are well within your rights to refuse sex with your husband. Also, my experience is that us men generally do not discuss sexual details about our wives beyond that we do it.Some do though, and if a friend does to me, I'll discus.

Your husband needs therapy, and I'm glad that he's doing it. But it sounds like you are done with him and just venting here. If that's the case, my double birds go out to him as well.

However, if you want him to open up to you about his bullshit, I have some thoughts that might help. This might violate some guidelines here in terms of generalization, but here goes...

Dudes have a hard time opening up emotionally.You mentioned that you need to feel safe in order to have sex with him. That's perfectly valid. I would also guess that he needs to feel a similar safety in opening up to you emotionally. Have you listened to him?

I mean I don't know him shit from shinola, or you for that matter. But if all he gets from opening up is beratement, then I can understand completely why he wouldn't want to talk.

It's been a long time for you to be in this bullshit. Like Hellfire said above.. why?

Thank you all for propping me up.

Hannah

Retrospected: You make good points! I don't think he can accuse me of flying off the handle or not being willing to sit and listen to him. That might have been the case years ago, but now I simply go on about my business. I'm not gonna listen to a lot of him downplaying or gas lighting the seriousness of our issues. For instance recently he told some one in front of me that I won't have sex because of something that happened 30 years ago. Huh? What about all the other stuff? And I am not for a minute believing he has kept his pecker where it belongs for the last 30 years! In his mind, nude beach, tantra massage, happy ending massages and cameras for sex chats are not the same as an affair. I just don;t want to go over the same old nonsense!

All in all, I actually feel sorry for him. And I do love him. His heart is good, but it ain't connected to his brain & his Little Willy!

I have learned instill boundaries and while I still do a lot for him, he is on his own when he screws up! I don't cover for him with friends or family.

I have been and always offer to go to counseling with him to let his counselor moderate a talk about our (lack of!) sex life. He doesn't even mention his counseling sessions to me or try to talk about the status of our relationship. I know when he goes (every other week) because his counselor sends me the invoice for insurance purposes. I have met with hubby and the counselor and shared all this (no sex, failed poly, history of bad choices), but that has been over 18 months ago. He just isn't able to discuss anything about his past. He takes a lot of Rx's for ADD and depression, and I think many of his issues are FOO (Family of origin) issues.

Why do I stay? Also valid. I have carved a life doing things I want to do, being responsible to my faith, friends and family, being financially secure and still have some one to go to social & couple functions with. I am intimately lonely, but upbeat about life. I don't for one minute believe the grass is always greener ~ especially for a mid 60's woman. Maybe that's a cop out, but I am also always hopeful he will finally come clean. (And maybe I live in Never, Neverland!)

Confused 282: " AN thread". WHat's this please?

Retrospected: "my double birds go out to him". What's this please?

AN thread is Not sure I can move past this in General. I'm assuming double bird is flipping somebody off with both hands.

Wholeheartedly agree that, as men, we do NOT discuss the bedroom with our buddies. And yes, as Hellfire passed on from her H, in the single days, there was discussion. At least among the players on my college team, there was. "Locker Room" talk, I believe is what we've heard it called. But as a married man...no WAY am I talking about that either my buddies.

He is 100% off base in bringing those things up. That is sacred ground in the marriage.

You have done NOTHING wrong, GG. Nothing at all!

Thank you leafields. That is what I meant by double birds. My apologies for not clarifying sooner. But now I sporting the thumbs up sign! Also sorry that I can't seem to bring myself to use emojis!

Anyway, thank you GG for the reply. Sounds like you've given him his opportunity. At least one of you in your household has her head on straight. I hope he figures some things out in his therapy sessions. It would be one thing to talk about sex life with friends. But to lie about it on top of that!?...You deserve better. Much better. Cheers!

Why do I stay? Also valid. I have carved a life doing things I want to do, being responsible to my faith, friends and family, being financially secure and still have some one to go to social & couple functions with. I am intimately lonely, but upbeat about life. I don't for one minute believe the grass is always greener ~ especially for a mid 60's woman.

I totally get this. My BFF is almost 60 and completely incompatible with her H, but she doesn't want to blow up her life. They're financially comfortable, they have a nice relationship with their grown kids, and she has a chronic illness that requires good health insurance. It would dramatically change her quality of life if she left him, and he's perfectly content with the status quo, so she bought herself a lake house where she spends about half her time. I wouldn't say that she's happy, but the other side of the fence doesn't look so great either. She's contemplating hanging on until she's eligible for Medicare.

You already know he doesn’t respect you. I don’t see why his comments to his friends is that surprising.

I have made the trip around the sun more than 50 times and I have no friends that discuss sexual details of their marriage with me. Several of my closest friends and I may make some references to frequency vs desired frequency on occasion but no details beyond that.

[This message edited by FlowerPower at 8:45 PM, Wednesday, March 29th]

Thank you all so much. I can handle what happens between him and me, but I hate it when he passes me off to his friends as a "sexual prude." I told him this verbatim just the other day (that I HATE him talking about us or inferring Im a prude!) and he just rolled his eyes, like saying, "Well you are a prude!" We all live in a relatively small town and our friends have been friends for years. Most know about some of his past during our marriage but probably none know the extent of his repeat stupidity. I don't need to tattle on him!

Sadly, if I left, I'd have to move at least 60 miles away to go on a date. Despite taking good care of myself, probably All the guys locally have the idea from him that I'm a sexual prude! Who'd want to take me to dinner?!

Talk me out of sharing this thread with him! I don't know why all of a sudden I want him to hear others' views. If he would just quit talking about his "lack of nooky because of his prudish wife" to his guy pals, I'd let the rest go. It's always him doing the "Oh poor me" routine.

If I shared this with him, he would say your views are invalid. He would call all of you a bunch of "burned prudes" who haven't gotten over their partner's affair!

My guess is that his friends can discern the truth.

My catty ass would tell him that if he doesn't knock it off, I'm going to tell all his friends' wives that I'd love to have hot, steamy sex, but he's had ED for the last 20 years. Come at me, bro!

If I shared this with him, he would say your views are invalid. He would call all of you a bunch of "burned prudes" who haven't gotten over their partner's affair!

Of course he would say this. From what you have written, I wouldn't expect any other type of reply.

He sounds like a man-child. He doesn't know what it takes to be a real man--one who protects and cherishes his family. He doesn't respect his partner enough to be insulted by other friends talking so loosely about their wives.

He has shown you who he really is throughout the years. Believe him.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 1:47 PM, Saturday, April 1st]