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Newest Member: Disappointment

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread Part 5

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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 1:58 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

smile Opening new thread.

posts: 10026   路   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8775229
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:30 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

Happy to post first. 馃槉

I have been separated for nearly 2 years now. The divorce is a bumpy work in progress because my ex is an idiot. Anyways, I wanted to ask if anyone else feels how I do.

I did some online dating a couple years ago, and to be honest, I thought that it was extremely shallow. I don鈥檛 know what I expected, but I didn鈥檛 get very much and that doesn鈥檛 mean I had no interest, more so that there was only about three or four people that I did have interest in, but it was too soon for me. So I am no longer on any dating sites, and I am kind of OK with that. But I am really struggling with being alone. It is hard when you have no one.

So I鈥檓 in a bit of a dilemma, I am lonely, and clearly online dating really doesn鈥檛 seem to be for me. So I don鈥檛 know what to do, and I will be very honest, I am a little afraid that I do not know how to have a good relationship. What if I was more of the cause of my marital failure than the affair. Given the spectacular failure of my marriage, while cheating was a big part of it, it wasn鈥檛 all of it. I am rather afraid to start a relationship. I鈥檓 afraid I don鈥檛 know how to have one. And of course I鈥檓 afraid that no one will like me. I know that鈥檚 a bit silly but it鈥檚 there.

I really don鈥檛 have a ton of confidence.

So it seems that I鈥檓 in a catch 22.

Hoping that someone comes to this thread again

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8788133
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 12:47 AM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

Hi Tallgirl.

I'm not in your shoes so I can't speak to online dating. I have friends who have ventured in (we are all "older") with some success (if you define it as spending time with interesting people and having a little fun) but mostly what comes of it is amusing stories of guys trolling for NSA.

I think you have to have the mindset of inconsequential fun for OLD.

All I can say is this: I've read your posts for several years now. You seem an intelligent, interesting, warm and funny person. I really can't imagine a world where you can't connect with a decent man.

Maybe take up a hobby or two to get out and meet folks.

When I separated I joined a bowling league. I freaking almost hate bowling, lol. But my friends wanted to do it to have fun and get out. We are the bad news bears of the league. We have a ball. And I've met several interesting men there. I have zero interest in dating but being out and having fun has a way of drawing the bees to honey, even if that's not your aim.

posts: 526   路   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8790271
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 1:59 AM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

Tallgirl
I, too, have followed your story and found you to be articulate, intelligent, kind, and caring. Being in the dating scene is challenging but I am rooting for you to meet someone who appreciates and cherishes you.

posts: 117   路   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   路   location: USA
id 8790274
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:50 AM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

Thank you ladies, you made my day! And that is saying something because I had a great burrito for lunch. laugh

Sincerely, that is really kind of you both. I didn鈥檛 imagine that anyone would really notice my posts.

Bowling? I could try that. I would have start stretching the gluts immediately. And I am a pretty bad bowler, maybe I would score some sympathy points before being booted out of a league.

I agree, I need to try a few different things in mixed company.

Maybe a meetup group would be good too.

Thank you very much!

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:51 AM, Saturday, May 13th]

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8790752
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:19 AM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

I think you would find that almost everyone would like you.

Your posts are spot on. You are smart.

I think if you focus on just meeting people without trying to date, it will lessen your anxiety.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13708   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8790763
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Meet up is a good app to check out for things you're interested in.

I really want to take a dance class. I have zero history with dance but IDK, I'd just like to move and sweat and have some fun. All I can find near me are dance studies for kids. I keep looking tho...

I really think getting out there doing something with others is the way to go. You build up your social network, have some fun and it's practicing good self care (we aren't meant to be alone all of the time). Once you open the door (and leave the house laugh ) who knows what awaits you.

posts: 526   路   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8791110
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:56 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Well HEY LADIES! I haven't been on a Womenz thread in a minute - and I saw this and am smiling as I type.

The Land of Chaos is going fairly well these days [so different from the chaos that was Chaos when I first joined].

Tallgirl - I can't wait to hear about all the new and fun activities you will try.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3719   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8791502
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 5:06 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Hi Chaos - glad to hear things are going well for you.

posts: 526   路   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8791690
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:58 AM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Hey Chaos, nice to hear all is going well.

This thread has had so many awesome moments for me and giggles too. Hope it stays alive.

I tried a new red wine. Conundrum. Love the name and it is quite yummy.

May a nice bottle of Conundrum find it鈥檚 way to you all鈥

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8791801
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 1:28 AM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

It might be nice to have a tasty conundrum versus what most of us have been served up in real life. tongue

posts: 526   路   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8791805
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 12:00 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Not sure of your age TallGirl, but I'm in my 30s and can't believe how different dating is now, all the men my age are sooo into social media/Instagram/vanity/posing for naked selfies... There are so many easy ways to have affairs, I guess that's why it's so common now. Why is everyone so shallow these days!! I look after myself don't get me wrong, but I would happily come off social media completely if I had my way, but I really fear I will struggle to find a man who thinks the same. I'd have to join a million groups to find someone in a more authentic way. I've thought about the gym/fitness being a possible way to meet someone, but even then I'd never know if they were single or not 馃槵 Apparently they reckon approx 30-40% of people on dating apps are already married/in relationships!! Grrrreat 馃檮

鉂わ笍鉂わ笍

posts: 72   路   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   路   location: South of England, UK
id 8791830
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:57 AM on Saturday, June 10th, 2023

Devon99uk a single coworker friend of mine is on these apps. Including one of the "paid" ones that has a decent reputation.

If she finds herself starting to talk to someone that she finds she may have an interest in - I do a deep dive on it. I'll search the names, combination of name & any info I can glean, phone number [if it gets to that point] and google image search any/all photos. And ya know - most of them [according to their real social media profiles] are married, in a relationship or someone thinks they are in a relationship with them.

She then reports the findings to the dating app [for whatever good it does them] and if possible, anonymously outs them to their spouse/significant other w/the findings.

And she often laments how awful the dating world is. While telling me how fortunate I am [not knowing I am a member of SI]

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3719   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8794734
doh

JellyPineappleFlavor ( new member #81155) posted at 3:09 AM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

Hello, friends!

I haven't participated in the BW threads before, but I'd like to, and I have a topic that I'm not sure could find a better home than this thread.

So, I've really hyperfocused on "living in reality" ever since I learned what I believe is the full truth about my marriage and relationship on what I consider Final D-Day (last fall). This included some lies he told me from Day One (ish) of our relationship, including some secrets he kept from every other person in the entire world but the other involved party. That's why, though FDD was devastating, it also made my whole world make sense, and made me feel less crazy.

I've always been an open and sincere person-- but also have lied about misc stuff out of shame (mostly covering for academic and professional struggles and addictive behavior and so on-- I have ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult, 'nuff said). Since FDD, I will barely even tell a white lie-- and I have better boundaries as well, so I'm not giving away the farm.

But I just love love love living in the REAL TRUE WORLD even when it's painful. I am so much freer.

And now I have another reality to confront: I am attractive.

This is such a confounding topic for so many reasons, but how do you deal with the reality of your attractiveness to other people? This is not attractiveness on any particular scale-- just that none of us is repellant to everyone in the world, which is kinda-sorta what I'd convinced myself I was, and I'm only moderately exaggerating.

Ugh, so awkward to even try and articulate this. I do plan to bring it up w/my therapist tomorrow (and for a while, I'd imagine).

Because I got together w/WH when I was a teenager (and he was older), and because I'm a (codependent) monogamist at heart ANYWAY...

I think I used this fiction-- that no one else was ever REALLY attracted to me after I started dating WH-- as a blunt instrument to keep myself faithful, or safe, or...??? But it's a lie, and I want to live in reality.

I mean, I never had to deal with being a single adult woman, navigating any of that. I never had to fully own my sexuality (WH is the only person I've had intercourse with). I protected myself from SOME of the creepy male attention I got starting at 9-10-11 years old by marrying young and never taking off my wedding ring. By believing/pretending no one would be or was truly interested in me, I could just... not really deal with (mostly) male attention, weirdness, complications to male-female hetero friendships or even just honest feelings... and not develop healthy, confident responses.

I actually think the pendulum may be swinging somewhat towards reconciliation with WH now (of course, we'll be in a very different relationship, if we do get back together). But our marriage is still very much an open question, and it's at least as important for me to deal with it if I stay with him than if I divorce him and put myself on the market.

I don't know how to relate to the world as someone who understands I'm attractive to some, even many, others-- even though I intellectually know it's true, and I've also always WANTED it to be true. Does that make sense? duh I don't mean I need to learn to act with entitlement or arrogance. But my entire adult life, I've been acting, well-- not even with false modesty, but sort of with denial. And I think that's also dangerous in a way. Not physically dangerous-- I refuse to victim blame. But... it's just not real. It can't be solid, it doesn't make the world make sense, it's like I've been gaslighting myself... IDK. I want to understand when, and how, and what it means if people are treating me a certain way because I have an appealing personality, or because I'm someone that a lot of people would want to be around, or even just in a usually harmless way, because they think I'm physically attractive.

I think fully integrating this knowledge-- that I'm not secretly (or not-so-secretly) an off-putting troll-- will also help me better understand past events, whether they involved WH or not. I just want to live in the truth.

Anyone go through anything like this? Or how did you come to this understanding in your life, even at 22 years old-- I'll take any anecdote or advice you have. I feel like a bit of a freak in this.

BW (40s) divorcing WH (50s)

25+ years together, 1 kid, last D-Day(s) in Oct/Nov 2022. At least my love was real.

posts: 29   路   registered: Oct. 14th, 2022
id 8795300
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:22 AM on Friday, June 16th, 2023

PJF,

I've been a size 4 and size 24. People treated me differently when I was a size 4 than when I was size 24. You know what? I was the same person regardless of my size.

What is more important to you? To look good on the outside or inside?

Truth can be skewed by orientation. That's why witness statements can vary. There is no single source of truth.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2897   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8795470
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:52 PM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2023

Hi JPF, I agree with Leafields.

I will be honest, I don鈥檛 understand what you are asking鈥 So I don鈥檛 know really how to respond.

I do have a few thoughts I can share鈥.

1. You are in the same body as you were before, so why is being attractive new or not understood? In your post about the ap you do seem to understand you are attractive, so is this about meeting new men and understanding how it works? Or is it identifying yourself as a married woman, and that this is changing.

2. Confidence is more important than looks, are you comfortable in your own skin? If not, we can talk about that.

3. Beauty on the inside is what is important. To me, I find that what I remember about people is their kindness and how I felt with them.

4. Just be you. That is what matters.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:04 PM, Sunday, July 2nd]

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8797910
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:34 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Ok. I went out there and signed up for OLD again. Today I got a hello from a fella that 4.5 hrs away. So I suggested that it won鈥檛 work due to the distance but I was happy to chat. The response I got was that I was another small minded thinker. Just typical for city folks. That he could move anywhere for love.

Fuckwad

Let me say I grew up surrounded by the corn. The nearest store was an hour bike away. School bus was a 45 minute ride. I know small town. I lived it for 20 yrs.

I suggested I was reasonable thinker, and that he was the person off base. I was respectful and he was not. Shame on him.

Ridiculous.

So far I have been hit up by a loving couple looking for a 3rd, and Sir Eric who seems off his meds, or he is the next wiseman on earth.

If it doesn鈥檛 get better I may talk to the couple.

Ok. No I won鈥檛 but it is a thought

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:36 AM, Monday, July 17th]

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8799659
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:38 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

And I have a question. Is it rude to say if you are shorter than 5ft9, no need to apply? I am 6 ft, not sure why it isn鈥檛 self evident.

It seems I am a magnet for 5 ft 5 men.

I already know the answer. I just had to get the question out.

I can鈥檛 be mean, can someone, can everyone send me tall nice guy 50+ plus men vibes please?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:41 PM, Monday, July 17th]

To be redefined

posts: 2200   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8799765
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:53 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

Your lament is the lament of my aunts. My mom's CB handle was High Pockets. She was just under 6' and had a 36" inseam. My tallest aunt was 6'1" and my shortest uncle is 6 '2" . I'm 5'9" and the short size in my family.

FWIW, my mom spent the last 10 years of her life married to a man that took such good care of her. He was about 4-5 inches shorter. They're out there.

Can you update your dating profile or name (says the person with no dating apps or profiles)?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2897   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8799816
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:10 AM on Wednesday, July 19th, 2023

Thinking of Chaos today because of her signature line.

Saw a couple of posts using her signature line, which is from The Princess Bride:

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Networking 101
Polite greeting: Hello
Name: My name is Inigo Montoya
Relevant personal link: You killed my father
Manage expectations: Prepare to die.

Will have to think about the elevator pitch. LOL.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2897   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8799979
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