Hi All,
First let me say that I am amazed at the number and depth of responses. Thank you all so much for your support.
I feel that I have been posting in snippets and I want to take the opportunity to let you all know where I am right now, which is still at an impasse.
A lot of you have posted about remorse, apologies, polygraphs, etc. I want to address some of those. Before I do, the basic story that she is adamant about is that she got into an inappropriate texting relationship with an old boyfriend and she got lost in the excitement. She has freely admitted it went too far, that she was able to compartmentalize that relationship with the rest of her life. She never thought about what would happen if/when she got caught, and thought it would run it's course. She did admit to wanting to have "a drink" with him in a public place wile she was in his town in October. She swears that is all it would be and she had no intentions of crossing a line to making it physical. She also admitted that OM was the one that said he didn't want to meet because he didn't want to even have the opportunity to cross the line, and she was not happy about it. BTW, that is jilt #3 on my WW form this ass.
So with all that said, here is where I am with some of the topics you all have brought up:
Apology: She has apologized profusely. She has told me how wrong she was, that she never should have let it go so far, that she loves me, has always loved me, and never thought about leaving the marriage for any reason. She has taken 100% of the blame. She has said our marriage was never as bad as she made it out in her head to justify her actions. She has offered to call each of my family members, AND my friends, to offer them her apology as well. She has also apologized to our children many times and taken full responsibility.
Remorse: Not really sure about this one. She talks a lot about how she is crushed due to the pain she has caused me. She has said she would accept any consequences for her actions, including moving out and proceeding with separation. She also talks a lot about how she is a horrible person and she doesn't know what is wrong with her, but is going to counseling to find out. Many times she has stated that she doesn't deserve me, or the she doesn't the deserve me being so nice to her and hearing out.
Polygraph: Stuck on this one as well. She is 100% on board to get a poly. The only thing she said to "balk" was that it is expensive and maybe we should look for a cheaper polygraph and call around. She was ready to make an appt for Thursday afternoon. Here is where I am stuck...after the consultation with the polygraph examiner, I have a better understanding of how they work. They are NOTHING like what you see on TV. The stick to one topic ONLY and cannot determine which questions she is lying about. It is a pass or fail test only. So the examiner can ask all day long if she had sexual relations with OM, but that is all I will know, yes or no. It won't tell me what she INTENDED to do. I have her truth, which is "a drink in a public place with an old boyfriend" and she never would have crossed that line. And I have the opposite THAT IS ONLY IN MY HEAD which is she planned the whole thing, shopped for lingerie, cleaned her hotel room, bought wine and a cheese tray, and was ready to romance the fuck out of this guy. Unfortunately, the poly won't provide me with the truth. IT will only tell me if they had sex, and I am pretty sure they did not, for whatever reason. So spending the money to tell me what I already know seems stupid right now.
So I am freakin stuck. Yes, I love her. No, I don't trust her. I don't think she is a master manipulator, at least most days. If her truth is the truth, I can get past this. She has told me she would do anything to save the marriage - full tracking, free access to all electronics, continue to be open and honest about the affair, apologize to my family and friends, sign a post-nup or reconciliation agreement to waive all rights to alimony if we divorce for ANY reason, go to IC, take a poly, tell me where she is who she is with all the time... She said she will do this for however long it takes to fix this.
So as of today, I told her the truth probably lies somewhere between her truth and my worst nightmare and I put the ownness on her to convince me what it is. She is adamant she has told me everything, there is nothing else to tell. She didn't want anything more than "a drink in a public place". That she would never have crossed that line. Another thing, when we had the consult with the polygraph guy, we were not focused on just this situation. It was about having any sexual relations outside the marriage, and she didn't balk once. She was the one to actually work with the guy to find an appropriate time to meet for the poly. He gave a tome and she asked if he could push it out because she had to work, and he said yes. There would not have been a parking lot confession, she would never have let me go through with scheduling an over $1000 polygraph if she was lying.
So, that's me right now. Still jacked. Tomorrow is one month since D-day, and I don't feel like I have a clue of what to do.
[This message edited by RoverGuy at 4:58 PM, Tuesday, November 29th]