SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a betrayed spouse 3 times over. My first wife of 5 years left me for another man. My second of 7 years cheated multiple times and I finally left her. My third of 10 years had an affair and we're working through it.
In a way I felt like I almost didn't have a choice. I already had two kids from my second wife (which I have custody of). I didn't want to put the two I have with my current wife through a divorce. Not only that but what of love?! At 45, having been through three marriages, how could I ever believe in love enough to ever consider trying to build a life with someone else?!
We've made an enormous amount of progress in healing ourselves and our marriage. I feel like my biggest obstacle currently is letting go of the worry. In essence feeling safe.
She has been phenomenal through this and has gone above and beyond when it comes to putting her work in and being understanding. I really couldn't ask for more.
If I get to the root of my worry I think it's this. She is my whole world. Without her I feel as though my life would be destroyed. Utterly. So it's not just that she has the capacity to destroy me but that she has it in her to do so.
Maybe that isn't fair of me because the worry ignores the possibility and even likelyhood that she has learned and grown. However it isn't reasonable.
I wholeheartedly want to trust her. I even feel bad that I don't.
All of that said, I can't deny that the worry is certainly keeping me from being able to enjoy this better version of us to it's fullest.
I can only hope that time will help with that.
Another huge thing to me that is so far irreconcilable in my mind is that I had found out that contact with the affair partner had been sparse but consistent for over 20 years. He lives far away so physical encounters haven't really been a thing with the exception of the one time I'm aware of (since we've been together). However that means the relationship was there long before I came into the picture. Since he was in the background through all of our years together, I feel like our time up until recently was all sort of fake. Assuming that she is now entirely open and honest, there wasn't a single year where they didn't exchange emails, texts, and phone calls.
I feel like even if it wasn't all fake necessarily, I certainly feel like none of it ever meant as much to her as it did for me. We've had two kids together. I've seen the conversations where she's talked about those times with him in emails.
Almost immediately after D-Day I began to look at myself and try to figure out what was wrong with me. Here I am at 45 and my third wife has cheated on me. It took so much for me to gain enough trust to want to go into marriage a third time in the first place. Part of that was made easier because she was and still is the most caring and good-hearted person that I've ever known. I always thought that her standards and morals were such that I need never worry about infidelity. That if either of us were ever to faulter, it would much more likely to be me.
I knew I had to make a lot of changes though. Identifying what I should have been doing differently was surprisingly easy and making those changes in light of what had happened was also quite easy. If nothing else this all has caused me to fix a lot of what was broken in me and discard much unneeded baggage.
I can say that it's as if our marriage, our life together, had a near death experience. We were right there on the verge of it. Initially in the moments after discovery/disclosure I had considered it over. Now it's as if we see things in a whole new light and our time together is nothing short of amazing. We appreciate and support one another like we've always felt we could. We enjoy each and every minute we have together. Intimacy is on a level I never dreamed was even possible before. Not just with her but with anyone, ever.
I can't imagine either of us ever going back to the people or the couple that we were.
We have gone to counseling but to be honest we had already been going for two years before the physical encounter had happened. I attribute much of my healing as coming from my faith, my understanding of philosophy, our willingness to change, and my wife's hard work and patience in helping me along.
I had forgiven her early on in the process. The trust is still an issue but it has gotten a lot better and I don't get triggered as often.
The days have gotten better as well. I don't wake up feeling as though I'm drowning and need to struggle to get to the surface anymore. That's not to say I wake up positive either. Or that I don't struggle some days. Some of those I still find myself questioning my sanity and now and then end up in some pretty dark places. I try to gauge my healing progress on how fewer of those struggling days I have now as compared to months ago. If I do that then it is very evident that things are getting better. I do worry though. I've mostly managed to discipline myself to not go looking for anything else. I have come across things by accident though. So I worry that if I do, all of my progress will come undone. This has actually happened already a few times. It's been a while since the last though but I'm not sure I could weather another one.
So that's pretty much where I'm at right now with this. Nobody knows outside of my wife and I, our counselor, and my adult daughter and two adult stepdaughters. I'm a bit of an introvert and don't have any real friends to speak of. So there's times I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. That's brought me to here to share a bit of my story and thoughts.
Thank you for reading all of this. I know it's a lot.

Stop making HER your "whole world".

Starring gaining some independence in your marriage. Have your own friends and your own hobbies or things you like to do.

It will help you gain confidence in yourself and realize that if you ended up alone/single (for whatever reason) you will be ok.

The advice from The1stWife is excellent. I want to echo her sentiments. Always value yourself. Never put your spouse on a pedestal. Respect yourself enough to develop your own life, hobbies and interests. Focus on building your own self esteem. Good luck.

I completely agree with the advice to add your own self focus to your life. And find a way to make some friends too. Our spouses should not be our only friend.

How long has it been since d day? It sounds like your reconciliation is going well but what else could she do to make you feel safe?

You picked three wives snd all three cheated on you. This is in no way your fault. How we, Have you considered that your picking ability’s need some work? I say this of course in case you get to number four.

Will you say something about the timing of your W's A during your M?

You say you had to change. Your W cheated. What changes has she made in herself. She didn't cheat because of issues with you - she cheated because of issues within herself. You won't be safe or feel safe until she has made an irrevocable commitment to resolve those issues.

You may have tried to make her your whole world, but you can't succeed in that - you are responsible for yourself.

For me, trust and forgiveness pretty much came together - I couldn't forgive without trusting my W. Can you say more about what 'forgiveness' meant to you? (Quotes are to clearly identify the word I'd like you to discuss, not about doubting your word.)

I greatly appreciate your responses, as well as advice.
There's a lot to respond to.
Some of my issues were certainly me. Or rather because of traits I had adopted due to past experiences that helped facilitate an environment in which negative behaviors could flourish. Another way to look at it may be to say that the baggage she carried into our relationship directly clashed with the baggage I carried into it. Or yet another way is to say that her insecurities fed my own and vice versa.
We argued and fought and neither one of us was able to fully understand why because there were things inside of both of us that we either didn't realize and/or didn't want to acknowledge.
I feel that what this lead to was stubbornness and selfishness from both of us. Which eventually brought resentment.
There's a lot behind all of that. Two lifetimes worth of built up, unhandled, negative baggage.
I had a secret porn addiction. She had a secret "friend". Not exactly the same thing or even equal necessarily, but nonetheless they both were things we hid from each other that robbed us of desire and placed much distance between us.
She and her AP set up to meet 400 miles away and she lied to me, claiming it was essentially a work related thing. That was not quite 6 months ago. I wasn't suspicious in the least and it wasn't until I happened upon some evidence, purely by accident, that lit the fuse which ended up at D-Day. The evidence was found the day she returned. That was followed by about 2 weeks of lies piled up before I eventually bluffed that I had evidence that I didn't and then it all came out. Well... that is to say the worst of it came out. During the following weeks and months I would hit moments that could only be described as insanity and I would obsess and dig through things until I found something to be troubled by. Some of it legitimately concerning. Some ridiculously benign.
Concerning forgiveness, as our counselor told us, that is mine to give but trust is hers to earn. If the wife and I were out hunting and she accidentally shot me in the leg, I could forgive her for doing that but it doesn't mean I'm not going to be in a good amount of pain for a while and understandably be a little nervous around her while she's holding a gun.
I don't want to go in too deep about my past but suffice to say I've had a number of betrayals other than those from wives. Two from some of my closest friends. One of which from high school (this is going to sound awful) ended up in a relationship with my mom. Please don't ask me to elaborate on that.
So making new friends that I feel I can trust isn't a strong suit of mine to say the least.
Again I must say I appreciate all of you taking the time to read and respond, and I thank you for the input.

If the wife and I were out hunting and she accidentally shot me in the leg, I could forgive her for doing that but it doesn't mean I'm not going to be in a good amount of pain for a while and understandably be a little nervous around her while she's holding a gun.

It's even more difficult to regain trust if you were deliberately shot in the leg. Which you were. The trust can come back, but (1) it is monumentally more difficult, and (2) it will not come back to the levels they were prior to the betrayal. And that is not necessarily a bad thing, because naivete can be harmful. It's important that we know what our partners are capable of; that way, we can watch how they control those potential issues in real life. It's only through repeated sound actions over time should the trust start to rebuild. I may be reconciled and many years from the last of any infidelity, but I also know that it is not an impossibility to happen again in the future, where prior to any infidelity, in my mind, it was. There was simply NO WAY that my wife would ever cheat on me. EVER.

Do those last two sentences seem grounded in reality? Or is the more realistic statement that I believe, through my wife's actions after infidelity, that she is far less likely to cheat? That is where the level of trust nears its maximum.

She is my whole world. Without her I feel as though my life would be destroyed. Utterly.

I completely empathize with you. I was an utterly devoted husband up until my Dday#2. I defined myself as a husband and father. In part, I was trying to heal the wounds of my childhood by doing "family right. It was only after considerable work that I came to realize how unhealthy that was.

There is a documentary by Gwynne Dyer called "Anybody's son will do". He is a former soldier who looks at marine corps training at Paris Island. Anyway, he gets it and there is a scene I show in my class in which a young recruit is being summarily courts martialed for a fairly minor infraction (rifle unattended, something we all do once and never again). He is utterly devastated and in tears when he is informed that the most severe punishment afforded by the marines is no longer being a marine. He would becstripped of his new identity.

I think as men, we are especially vulnerable in losing ourselves when we get married, but moreso when we have a family. We are unique as a gender in that we are defined by what we do. What do you do? It's usually one of the first questions anyone asks of a man. What they are really asking is, are you safe and stable? So we begin to define ourselves by our attachments and achievements. I am a husband and a father. I provide for my family. I keep them safe.

The problem with this is that if we remove those definitions, we are a blank sheet underneath. That uniquely interesting and textured personality we once had has been erased and the prospect of moving forward is terrifying. Add to that the fact that men often have fewer social contacts to rely on for support, and we get a very risky situation. That is why men commit suicide I much greater numbers post divorce.

It has taken me a lot of work to get back to that interesting guy I once was. I like him. Might be thecreason I'm content alone. Equally, people like him because I live my core values now. It really is refreshing.

Any way, one thought I will leave you with. A woman (partner) should add to your life, not bevthe reason for it.

Keep moving forward.

You mentioned,a few times, that she has put in the work,and she's been patient with you. Which is good.

Other than that,what work has she done,exactly, to become a safe partner? What work has she done on herself. The majority of her work has nothing to do with you. At all.

Reconciliation is a process. It takes years. Years. And very,very rarely is full trust ever restored. It's been 6 months.

She's been in an emotional affair for 20 years. Your entire relationship. That's a lot to deal with.

It sounds like you are still riding the high of hysterical bonding. What consequences has she had? Your pain is not a consequence.

Have you let the other man's wife know?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:26 PM, Sunday, November 6th]

She is my whole world. Without her I feel as though my life would be destroyed.

This is never a healthy situation. You have to be able to believe in yourself that you will survive and thrive even if the worse happens. At work we use the hit by a bus phrase. You have to be able to survive and thrive when someone is removed off the gameboard in an instance. Whether that's literally being hit by a bus or if they show themselves unworthy of you. Getting to that point will make trusting her easier. Weird but it's will no longer your entire life you are trusting her with just happiness that while you know will be painful to be without but that it can be replaced.