SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all, I haven’t been on here for a while but I’m feeling the need to share right now. The man I’ve been seeing for a year recently posted a very flowery birthday message to his late wife on FB and today there was a gushing message to mark 6 years since she died. I’ve had to mute him on FB as I hate stuff like this, and quite honestly I find it all a bit embarrassing. It seems to me that he’s not over her and isn’t ready for a new relationship. Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t know that you ever get over the death of a spouse. Do you have any doubts to his love for you? Do you have any reason to suspect that he isn’t fully committed to you?

I know this isn’t the same thing but my sister passed away 3 years ago and I still post to her facebook page. Sometimes it’s spur of the moment, sometimes it’s the date of her passing and sometimes it’s her birthday.

I do this as it helps me cope with her loss. Perhaps that’s what he is doing here.

One of my closest friends lost her husband 5 years ago to Muscular Dystrophy and she has since remarried another widower. She posts on her first husband’s birthday, the anniversary of his death.. all the red letter days. She married a new man that she absolutely adores. But that does not change or diminish her love for her first husband, even though he is dead. She HAS moved on. But that does not erase her past. And her new husband has no problem with it. He feels the same way about his late wife.

I think he can love the memory of her, and still love you. They do not compete. She’s dead.

I do worry that you muted the person you are dating. That to me is worth looking into— that seems really odd. If it’s JUST the FB post, then I think you are projecting. If there is more to it than that, well you are there in person. Then maybe it is a red flag. Talk to the person you are dating. Or go to IC and see if you can tease out why you are embarrassed that he loved his late wife.

I have read that those who have had happy marriages that ended in the death of a partner make better partners. I don't know if that's true or not, but it makes sense.

Look, she's gone. He's treasuring a memory. Would you feel the same way if it were a child instead of a spouse?

Does he talk about his former wife? How do you feel about that?

You might want to think about some IC to help you sort out your feelings here. I wouldn't have an issue with it, but that's me.

Cat

My boyfriend's late SO has been gone about 7 years. I also found it uncomfortable to navigate how her memory fit into our relationship at first. I just had never been in that position and had to find my footing.

It took me some time, but I am able to work through it all and if he brings her up...I no longer have any uncertain feelings on it.

This person was who they planned to spend forever with and when they passed, their heart was/is still full of love for them. That is a good thing. They were blessed to have what they had. His FB messages are just him honoring the love they had and her memory. Since social media is a popular outlet....there it is. However, it would be no different than previous generations visiting a grave and leaving flowers, etc.

However, that has nothing to do with you or his love for you. My SO has never made me feel like I had to compete (or should) for his love.

Does your SO make you feel like he is all in on your relationship?

Please continue to work through this. You will find how to navigate this within this relationship. Don't be afraid to do some IC to help you if you are struggling with this.

Paying tribute to a decided loved one may not be anything more than that.

Just b/c he posts something once or twice is not an indication he isn’t ready to date.

But if that bothers you, then maybe he’s not the one for you.

You are not in competition with a dead person. As per posts above, honouring anniversary and birthday for someone they loved is natural.

As long as this person also loves you and is committed in this relationship and the memories don’t impact it to the point of them not living their best life with you then I would continue.

Take a look at why you block him. It feels like you need to do some emotional growth here with him and he sounds like he is a loving person so would most likely accommodate that.

I do have experience with dating a widow. Unfortunately it was only recent (first year) after her death. I would regularly contact him and he was visiting the grave (probably one or twice a week). He’s nurses her for four years through cancer, they had teenage kids, and had been together over 20 years. Of course his behaviour was fine. He even put his wedding band back on out of respect for her and so his children would see how much she meant to him for the two weeks prior to the first anniversary of her death. He said he was going to do that beforehand and why. Funnily enough he was wearing it on a date with me and when he realised it, he felt more uncomfortable and disrespectful to me and went to remove it and I said no please leave it on. Its ok, It’s important to mark the anniversary and he relaxed again. We didn’t work out - he felt he didn’t loved me enough - which is fine. He was comparing that it wasn’t the same he had felt for his wife so he didn’t want to lead me on. I did question that it wouldn’t ever be the same but at the same time accepted it for what it was.

As long as your man loves you and is happy that he’s found you and that he believe you are the love of his second chapter of life journey, I would stick around. It’s way better than meeting someone else who cheated on their wife!

I have several friends on Facebook who have done this. Some have even had new relationships yet still remember special days of their loved ones who have passed. I have never been in a relationship with someone who has done this...but I have thought the messages I have seen are really sweet .

My Dad would do this with my Mama who passed away decades before he did...only not all the time on Facebook. The ladies he would be in relationships with never seemed to mind at all...and it made me care for them even more for having my Mama's memory honored like that .

The owner of this site...MangledHeart...has special days where he remembers his late wife and co-owner of this site...Deeply Scared...on here. I've always thought that was pretty cool .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 3:04 AM, Friday, November 4th]

DS will always be in my heart. I have not lost any love for her. I memorialized her facebook, but I don't see the point of posting a "gushing message" on it. She isn't there. However If I chose to do that the people around me would have to accept that or move on.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:11 PM, Friday, November 4th]

First of all, MH, I never noticed the Corrie ten Boom quote in your signature, but she is one of my absolute heroes. Such an amazing and strong woman.

Second, we have a woman at our church whose husband died 6 or 7 years ago leaving her and 2 young sons. She is engaged now, and she absolutely still posts on FB when it's her late H's birthday. In fact, it was just a couple of weeks ago, and she posted pictures of her and her fiance, along with her sons, visiting the grave with flowers and balloons. I thought it was lovely, and showed a lot of class and strength of character from her fiance.

HFSSC,

That quote means a lot to me.

At some point it is important to live again. She wanted me to do that.

I was away for a while so I wasn't noticeable so much, including on her Facebook. I intend to post to her wall sometime between now and Christmas with a picture of my new tattoo I am getting in her honor. I don't have one yet so it is extra special.

His love for her does not diminish his love for you. I think it shows loyalty to their commitment, which is a plus for you!

I guess I liken it to my love for my stepmom. It in no way shape or form diminished my love for my mother - they were different but lateral relationships.

Humans have great capacity to love. I think having the emotional skills needed to grieve a life partner while loving and committing to a new partner is something to strive for.

If he is loving, attentive, and engaged in your relationship, I think I’d work on your own feelings about it and where they are coming from. His deceased wife is not an affair partner or a betrayal of his commitment to you. I’m sure it’s easy for it to feel that way.

Does he post gushing messages in her memory often? He spent a lifetime with her, that doesn’t disappear and this was her birthday. As long as he cares for you and shares his feelings, I don’t see it as an issue.

ActuallyI think it shows his capacity to love.