SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Firstly I want to say thank you for all of your posts as they have helped me immensely over the last year.
This is my first post as after a year, since finding out, I have periods of time when I am really struggling with what has happened.
Almost 6 years ago, after 11 years together, my WH told me that he wasn't sure we were going to make it unless there were significant improvements in our relationship. He has always been the quiet type when discussing issues and to this day I don't really know what he meant. We started going out more the 2 of us but never really explored what the issues were.
For a periods of time within the last 6 years my husband felt distant. I had previously had an incling that he was cheating but was always made to feel ridiculous if I confronted him. Just over a year ago we were away for the weekend and he was completely disengaged. On the Sunday morning I kept on and on until he broke and said he was leaving me. I was heartbroken and kept asking him if he had ever cheated, as I had always had the feeling that he had. He admitted that he had sex a few times in a hotel with someone from work during work time.
He was adamant that we were to separate and went as far as telling our teenage children. I told him he needed to leave and he went off. I messaged to say that I hoped that he was OK. He said that we should talk the next day.
He came back and said we should try again and we discussed the affair. The time following that was truly awful as I was, and still am heartbroken. We had some MC and I had some IC. The affair was 4 years ago and lasted for about a year. It entailed hiring hotel rooms during the daytime. Even writing this is making me feel sick. He said it fizzled out. He has told me it happened as he was in a bad place and she offered him attention and to start with made him feel good. He said it soon felt wrong and sordid. After it ended he stayed 'friends' with her as he was her boss and he was worried that he would get in trouble at work. We are both educated professionals and she is different to us I don't want to sound horrible but she was uneducated and had low ambition in life. I would also say that I am better looking. I think my husband felt better than her.
After the discovery I found her on Facebook and contacted her but she never replied. She messaged him a few times but he ignored her. They still work at the same place but she is still working at home. He now has a new job away from there starting soon.
To this day I still go through periods of upset, anger and shock. To start with he said I needed to move past it. He has now realised that it is not that simple but when I am upset he doesn't react how I need him to. I want him to hug me and show empathy. I think he feels shameful and so just wants to change the conversation. I am tired of feeling like this and think it will last forever. In some ways I feel my life is ruined. We are getting along really well but sometimes I feel I am masking my feelings to keep everything calm. Please can someone help me and sorry for such a long post.

Check out https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/. You'll see that your H's ap fits the standard pattern.

Also, I recommend checking out the threads in the Just Found Out ('JFO') forum that have bull's eyes next to them, like 'Before you say Reconcile...'.

To you and everyone else: there's no need to apologize for a post that stays within guidelines. We all read basically what we want to read and respond when we want to respond. Initially, I suspect that a longer post may be better, all other things being equal, because the only way to get specific guidance is to write specifically - without breaking anonymity, for your own safety - and that generally can't be done in 2 sentences.

...I feel I am masking my feelings to keep everything calm.

Gently, that's called 'rug-sweeping', and it pretty much always leaves a BS in pain. To heal - that is, to survive and thrive after being betrayed - you have to address the issues directly. That takes time, but more than that, it takes courage, strength, and energy, all of which you have, even if you think you don't.

From what you wrote, your H is not taking full responsibility for his A. His ap is is subordinate! He needs to recognize that he really fouled up in his choice of ap; it would be hard to do worse. (Lest you think I'm beating your H up unfairly, note that my W chose an even worse ap.)

But more than that, he's been blaming you for his own failures. You say you don't know what he meant when he told you he wanted changes in your M 6 years ago. It would have been better if you had told him you had no idea what he meant and pinned him down. It would have been even better if he had told you directly what changes he wanted. It would have been way better if he had invited you to discuss what you both wanted your M to be.

Instead, he just blamed you. That, to me, is abusive.

So what do you want? Do you want to live with him without him making changes? I hope not.

What changes do you want from him? I'd suggest at a minimum that you require 1) honesty - no more lies, 2) willingness to answer any and every question you have about the A, 3) NC with his ap, up to and including finding a new job if they're still working together, 4) IC for him, because he surely needs help to change from cheater-blame shifter-trickle truther-minimizer to good partner.

And I mean 'require' - if he doesn't agree, you really ought to consider dumping him, because he won't be a good partner if, for example, he reserves the right to lie or to avoid taking responsibility for cheating/lying/not addressing his own issues.

What changes do you want to make in and for yourself? A couple of related suggestions: to find the strength to assert yourself and to stop stifling yourself.

I paint a pretty negative picture of your H. That doesn't mean I think you should dump him. Rather, I hope you look inside to find out what you really want and go for that. If you really do want R, you then need to look at your H to figure out if he'll do the necessary work. If you think he will, R is possible - but if you don't see him doing the work, R will fail.

We can't predict the future, and the future without your H may look pretty scary. Just know that you have strengths you never even imagined you have, and whatever the future brings, you can have faith in yourself to heal from being betrayed.

You are stuck because your husband isn't doing the work. He's rugsweeping. And you've allowed it.

Put down the broom.

Give him requirements, for him to meet,if he wants to stay married. If he doesn't want to meet them,then you can choose to stay married to a man who knows you are in terrible pain,and won't do anything about it, or you can free yourself.

I keep coming back and rereading this but don't know what to reply. I do need to address properly what has happened but it feels overwhelming. It was almost easier earlier on as I was out of control and it was acceptable to feel how I did. Now it feels like I need to be moving forwards but I have gone backwards.

We have talked a lot over the last few days but I am not clear in what to say and keep chopping and changing. I also get very emotional and my emotions take over. I love him and he is my best friend. He has not spoken to her since D-day, is changing jobs, has sold his car as she went in it, we have moved house. He has worked on himself and has good boundaries. He no longer goes on nights out with work. An occasional drink and he always tells me where he is and what he is doing. He is more affectionate and do feel loved. He has been completely IP pen with all questions and knows he is completely at fault with what happened.It is so hard to process and do everything as well as live a normal life!

I keep coming back and rereading this but don't know what to reply.

I am so happy you wrote this because honestly...I don't know what to reply on this either.

We all heal at different paces. It is said on here that healing takes from 2-5 years generally. For ME...it took 7. So please take this in the context of me trying to help in a general sense . Have you heard of the "Plain of Lethal Flatness"? It is written about in The Healing Library. You can click on the Articles link...then click on Recovery / Reconciliation. You can scroll down a little ways...but they you will see the title of The Plain of Lethal Flatness. Basically it means that you have gotten over the SHOCK of the A...and things are starting to get back to some sense of normalcy. You then start feeling...basically...nothing.

To this day I still go through periods of upset, anger and shock.

When I read this part...it didn't sound like you were in the POLF. But generally...it happens around the 2nd year after Dday...so I wanted to put it out there for you just in case you haven't heard about it. These periods you are having are very NORMAL this early in your recovery (((HUGS))).

Have you had him write a Timeline? For ME...I gathered all the information that was FACTUAL. Because my H had his A while working overseas...I had a plethora of information I could gather. From time-stamped receipts of restaurants...gas stations...events...etc...that they went to...plus the emails...skype calls...and Whatsapp conversations...I was able to make a pretty extensive timeline from just that. I put them all in a calendar format...because there was a finite time that their A lasted. We then went over the timeline I made together. He could then put in how he felt...what he was doing...such as the first time they kissed...things like that. I was able to keep going back to the calendars when I had certain questions that kept nagging at me. If the timeline couldn't help answer what I needed...I would ask my H to clarify my question.

Your WH has had 3 years to process the A and work through it. YOU HAVEN'T. Please don't worry about how long it will take you to process this. You will heal when YOU are ready . Starting where you are at this point...I was still a MESS. But 8 years out...I am doing so MUCH better . Just keep moving forward ...however little those steps may be. You will one day see how FAR you have come in your healing .

Many thanks for your reply. I have identified the recent triggers and his poor response which set me back. I have not gone backwards but have had a blip which he didn't help with. I have made it clear that if I feel rubbish due to a trigger I need him to help me. He agrees that this needs to happen. I have asked him to repeat back to me exactly what I need him to do and he knows. I will stand up for myself and what I need for my recovery. I will also use the good days to build my resilience for the bad ones, which will come. I have mentioned the divorce word so he knows very clearly what is at stake. He deeply regrets what he has done and I can see this through his actions.

We have decided to read a book together with things for both of us to consider and do. The first session was on Sunday and it went well. We were both really honest and I felt calm and positive. It did involve discussing the affair so, naturally, left me feeling a bit wobbly. Last night I needed some extra love, which I didn't communicate. He was listening to music and not engaging with me. At bed time I felt rubbish and so woke in the night thinking about it. I tried to talk to him about it this morning and he really lacked empathy. He made me feel like I am wanting too much. This is so hard. I have come to work and messaged to say what I needed. I can't see anyway out.

I messaged him and he has admitted to feeling overwhelmed with it all.

Last night I needed some extra love, which I didn't communicate. He was listening to music and not engaging with me.

Gently, when you want love is the time to ask for it. If your H rejected your request in favor of music, that would be a sign that R might not work out, but suppose he stopped listening to music in favor of doing what you asked for? That would be a big win for you, your H, and R.

Honesty goes both ways - you have to be honest about your wants/don't wants, among other things, just as he has to be honest.

I know it's scary to ask for what you want, but it really works. I encourage you to honor your own wants and to let your H know what they are.

In some ways, the second year after an affair is revealed is even harder than the first. The shock has been mostly absorbed by now and you're trying to find ways to cope with the new reality.

In your case, it kind of sounds like you've got a really uninvolved WS who isn't putting much effort in. For most BS's, I really do think that focusing energy on ourselves is the best medicine and that goes double when you're dealing with an apathetic WS. It's when you strengthen yourself that you find the wherewithal to insist on nothing less than what you deserve from a person who claims they want to be your lifetime partner.

I know it's scary to ask for what you want, but it really works. I encourage you to honor your own wants and to let your H know what they are.

For most BS's, I really do think that focusing energy on ourselves is the best medicine and that goes double when you're dealing with an apathetic WS. It's when you strengthen yourself that you find the wherewithal to insist on nothing less than what you deserve from a person who claims they want to be your lifetime partner.

Thanks these have really hit home. He can't read my mind but equally I need to be sure about what I want and also what I deserve.

Howmuch, please excuse my name, I was in a bad mood when I resigned up for this site. There are some great people here and as far as you are feeling like you should be over everything by now.....well I found out 23 yrs ago and recently had a relapse like it happened yesterday. So far, the advice you are getting is spot on,. Your husband doesnt seem to be doing his part in your healing. When I have a bout of depression with my past my wife does everything she can to help, you should ask him to do exactly that.

I think the issue stems from my childhood when I kept the peace to avoid arguments. Although I am now very confrontational in my own marriage. However,I now don't always recognise what I need and communicate this effectively leading to a build up of emotions inside of me and then an explosion. Which doesn't go well for anyone. All your advice is really helping me to appreciate what I need and the acts of reassurance that I deserve.

I was wondering if anyone can advice on how to carry on healing but also address underlying issues within the marriage, in a constructive way?

Are the issues you need to resolve in your M or in yourself - not knowing what you want?

It used to bug me that my W always chose which restaurant we went to, especially if she chose one that I didn't like. Then I realized she had to choose, since I could never think of a restaurant I want to go to.

My reco is to challenge yourself to figure out what you want so you know what your goal is. Then go for the goal. Let yourself know what you desire, and tell yourself you deserve to have your desires satisfied.

If you can't do that on your own (and it's difficult unless your self-esteem is high), a good IC can help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:49 PM, Monday, November 7th]