Great responses, as usual, from everyone.
ThisIsOhSoLonely vs Hellfire
Both great posts with valid, although slightly, alternative viewpoints and,
that’s the gold of this site. You’re going to get varying points of view based on various perspectives borne from various experiences.
Listen with an open mind and use what resonates with your particular situation and discard the rest.
Also important, is to look out for the commonalities in the responses. So far, I’m already seeing much commonality. Such as:
There’s more to the story. WSs rarely give it all up initially-if ever. They only tell you what they think you need to hear to affect the most positive outcome, for them, that they can reasonably maneuver towards. They are in a desperate damage control and containment mode. A mode of operations that includes, among other things, lying, destruction of evidence, RUG SWEEPING, minimization, gas lighting, soon to be followed by blame shifting, marital history rewriting, love bombing, sex bombing, self victimization, and sometimes character assassination of the BS.
If she is doing any of these things, she is not ready for reconciliation. It takes two to Reconcile and if she’s not quite with the program, you’ll both be stuck in a hellish limbo.
So, it’s way too soon to seriously consider Reconciliation. It’s not too soon to seriously consider summary divorce. If this is an absolute dealbreaker, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an immediate divorce. However, I’d caution you to not make any definitive decisions at this volatile chaotic moment.
You’re currently in the shock and discovery phase. So, I’d advise approaching this situation as methodically and objectively as possible-which sounds insane while you’re having psychogenic seizures, right? While your adrenals are cranking out the adrenaline, I’d channel that energy into something productive, such as:
-Info gathering and damage assessment. It’s important to learn as much about the depth and breadth of her betrayal as possible. You can’t be expected to make life altering decisions based on poor intel. It’s just a recipe for disaster. You need to gather, protect and preserve evidence. Request a detailed timeline of genesis and evolution of the affairs.
-Damage control. YOU need to do your due diligence in protecting yourself. If she’s interested in R, you need to set boundaries, hard boundaries. You need to protect your dignity-at all times. You need to demand full transparency and NC. Notify the other betrayed spouse(s). You need to protect yourself from manipulation. You should consult an attorney and your personal physician. You need to pay attention and monitor the situation to ensure she doesn’t take the affair(s) underground, or alter the narrative behind your back with friends and relatives. Watch for exit strategy development. Request she begins IC. Request she begins educating herself on what it takes to reconcile. She should be proactive with this stuff. She should be eager to facilitate.
More importantly, you need to protect your sanity. Don’t, for an instant, blame yourself. This is ALL on her. There’s NEVER a sane reason to cheat. You should also realize, that you WILL be ok, if you handle this correctly, with an authentic wholistic reconciliation or a well executed divorce. You will get through this.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:10 AM, Wednesday, September 28th]