SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was last on, gosh probably 2016 or 2017...cheated on and feeling like crap. Well, I ended up leaving my cheating husband, divorced him after trying for a year to work it out, left for CO, and went into a post-divorce dysfunctional spiral down. Looking back, I was trying to make up for that party world I guess I missed since I became a mother 5 days after I turned 17 and marrying my (future) cheater when I was 20. At the end (or so I thought) of that spiral, I met a guy (at the bar I had been going to every night for a year). He's 16 years my junior. I'm now 46 and he's 30. We've been together 5 years.
In that 5 years, I've realized that the young guy I got with is an alcoholic. I had never seen him in the bar before, so he wasn't a regular. I thought his partying and mine were just a part of us having fun in a new relationship. Well, me with my alcoholic tendencies (now, I realize) since divorce have followed along with his chronic drinking. It's obvious (now) that we both have a problem and feed off one another. In the time we were together in CO, in 2019, my oldest son died on the streets of CO from an accidental overdose. It had been the worst time in my life, being newly divorced after 20 years, having my son addicted to drugs and living on the streets, and living with the guilt that I had stayed married to a man that had significantly contributed to my son's mental issues. Here I am now in 2022, 46 years old and trying to fight alot of demons. I just want a normal life with a home and a place my granddaughter (my deceased son's child) can come to visit. I am still with my bf, and I love him. We stopped drinking (for 6 months) in the past, and our relationship was great, just boring, because we're both introverted and do nothing. Drinking was our entertainment. But we picked it back up about a year after my son passed, and now it's worse than ever.
Firstly, have any of you been through something similar and might provide some sound advice?
Secondly, if not, please heed my warning and avoid alcohol, major decisions, and people of the opposite sex for atleast one year post divorce. I now realize it should be a time for self reflection and emotional recovery, not partying and meeting possible new mates.

Sam,

I’m glad you are taking this time to recognize that alcohol is not serving you. I also drank too much during false R and then then next year, but did eventually reduce it. It sounds like you need to something more than white knuckle drinking less. Have you considered AA? And have your BF also do it? You need new hobbies that do not involve drinking. You say you were bored when you tried 6 months sober, but drinking every night sounds boring to me.

From what I have heard, you should check out a few AA meetings— each has its own personality and you may click at one better than another.

And are you in IC? That might help you work through why you are engaging in destructive behaviors that are not making you happy.

Good luck— and keep fighting the demons. You are worth it.

I have been in recovery since the day before 9/11. Had one relapse, and now have 17.5 years of sobriety. My relapse happened right in the middle of all of the infidelity trauma. And after I survived it, I finally started getting good recovery. Not just from alcoholism, but also from the mind-f*ck of being utterly betrayed by the man I trusted the most in the whole world and his head games.

Give me a moment to be very very frank with you about recovery from alcoholism. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is 1000 times more rewarding than the effort I put into it. I am a completely different person than I was while I was active in my addiction. I wasn't willing to do the hard part until my back was against the wall, and I knew that continuing to drink would definitely kill me. I was locked in a rehab for 3 days, and knew that even though I hadn't been drinking for 3 years, my disease had been progressing at a rapid pace during that time. My disease really wanted me dead.

So I finally handed my will over to God and did the seemingly impossible task of a thorough self-examination. I was broken and miserable at the end of it, but my fellow alcoholics were there to support me when I was done with it. God, I hated me at that time. But I kept going because I was just so desperate to not let this disease kill me. When I shared my self-examination with my sponsor, she explained that I was a child of God, He loved me, and if I wanted to be forgiven, all I had to do was ask. What a mind fuck that was. I had always thought God hated me, was torturing me because of it, and I would never be forgiven. I changed that day. Between the time I dropped off my kids at school and when I picked them up, all of the self-hatred and the need to drink left me. It was really a miracle. As they say in AA, nothing changed and everything changed. All of the effort was so worth it.

Not everybody that tries AA succeeds at it. But I definitely am not the strongest, smartest, most devout person that has been a member of AA. I don't know why God chose me to survive. Maybe to be of service to others? So I try to be of service whenever I'm asked now. All I know is that I was so very desperate to not die, and this disease was coming after my ass but HARD.

If you're thinking of trying AA, here are some things to keep in mind.

You're not going to feel comfortable the moment you walk in the door. They try to provide a LOT of support to newcomers. Don't let the fact that all of the attention is on you overwhelm you. You will never find a group of more supportive or understanding people in the whole world. It is perfectly acceptable to be broken and all kinds of fucked up, because everybody in there either is or has been exactly the same way.

Take what you want and leave the rest. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and some of the people in there are sicker than others.

Hang around after the meetings and make new friends. They will be the best you ever make in your whole life. When they ask if you want phone numbers, take them. Even if you don't call anyone right away, you'll use them eventually.

Don't worry if you don't think you can do the steps. You do them on your own time when you're ready. Also, don't worry about getting a sponsor on day one. Yes, get one sooner rather than later, but take the time to get familiar with some of the people in the program before you pick one. Ask other people about their sponsors and what they like and don't like about them.

Read the Big Book. Just read it. Including the stories at the end. You can skip ahead and read them like short stories when you're reading the Big Book if you'd like.

Listen to old-timers. They've figured out how to survive this fucking awful disease.

If you work the program well, you get so much more than you think you deserve. You didn't deserve to get this disease in the first place. Nobody ever takes their first drink hoping to get addicted to it and have their lives spiral out of control. Never ever stop because you're afraid you don't deserve recovery.

I wish you the best of luck and all of the peace and serenity in the world.

ETA: OK, that was more than a moment. But I hope you got something out of it. ((((Hugs))))

[This message edited by Solarchick at 10:23 PM, Thursday, August 4th]

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

You have a future. A bright future ahead of you.

One day or step at a time.

I am so sorry about your DS's passing. No parent should have to go through that.

You have a lot of insight which is invaluable on your road to healing - no matter how long it has been. Many of us here had to find out for ourselves that "broken attracts broken" when we are in our healing/NB phase (hand raised) and that is ok. As long as we keep learning!

I wish you well on your road to recovery. I don't care if you stumble one or one-hundred times, keep dusting yourself off and step forward.

Sammexi - ((hugs)). I lost my 27 year old son seven years ago and nothing can compare to that pain. The guilt of what you might have done to have interfered with the path of history is endless - and pointless. Along with AA, consider finding an Al-Anon meeting. For me, it’s teachings are useful for life: in general, and especially in regards to the actions of loved ones. You, my friend, are what they call a "double winner". The fact that you are reaching out is a sign you are ready for a positive change. I urge you to reach for it while you can. Suerte.

Sammexi - I'm not in recovery now, but I've done time in the rooms. Self loathing is bad habit and one just has to break it. Like choosing to lose weight, its a decision, where like any habit or addiction, the decision is an instant, the follow through is a life time. I'm just shine of six years divorced. I had to deal the guilt of bad marriage and horrible divorce effects on my children - I'm still cleaning up messes and apologizing to them. I can say it has gotten significantly better. Working the 12 steps, making new friends (fellows of recovery) and learning to love myself have yielded great rewards that have turned my life around.

I'm content most days, I ruminate on some (usually when I stop by here), and occasionally I'll go through another week of hell. But the trend is upward. And putting the time in to start over, redefine myself, and to set goals that a cheating spouse cannot interfere with are all pluses today.

Wish you healing and serenity.
HS