SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello and this is my first time posting in survivinginfidelity Sorry for my English it's not my first language and I don't use my English as much

I'm a 55 years old woman married for 32 whit 3 children.

On July 15, 2020, I started having an emotional affair with a guy I end up meeting online he messages me on Facebook, and I'm not sure why the hell I responded, but that transformed in a friendship that changed into EA we just talked almost every day we could not meet because of covid lockdowns. This started to change, and we became more open talking about my BH sex with him how we stopped some time, very personal stuff that I should not have shared... we started sending nudes to each other pics and videos,

on September 20, 2020
i told him that wanted to stop all sexting and sending the nudes and all that because I was filling guilty. That we could continue to be friends, but that was it, and he accepted.

On January 5, 2021
The lockdowns down were removed, and he started trying to invite me down i always said not that could not do that but i never made any effort from removing him from my friends lists or block him.

On February 14,2021
In Valentine days, my BH did not want to do anything too much work and tiered just wanted to relax i asked him if was ok to go at night with some friends that were having a small gathering he told me yes that i go. Im not sure something inside me broke i knew what i was about to do was wrong but wanted something new and exciting in my life so contacted my online friend and asked if he had plans for the night he told me no, and we agreed to see each other in a bar in the end all you imagine we end up going back to his place and that when it turned into my AP. I can't like the sex was mind-blowing different on everything was so new for me the passion the flame and end up staying all night calling my BH that i would stay in my friends house, and he was ok with it

On July 2 2021
This is when I think I did my biggest fucked up I should have ended it and tell my BH and accepting was coming for me. my home was alone and my AP and i end up fucking in my bed we had done it few times before and we both liked it more than any place. What we did not know my daughter she's 21 she came earlier than expected and heard us fucking dad was out of the county, and she knew then i was cheating she left the house and came back 3 hours later when she confronted me. I broke down she told me she was going to tell her dad and brother and sister It's when i started to beg and said i would give her anything to her plus if she told her father that I was having an affair she would have been responsible for me and her dad break. In the end, she ends up agreeing with me asked me to rise her monthly allowance and be able to stay the night with her bf when she wanted something I always said no, I agreed.

From July to December 2021

I started seen my ap more and more, daughter would even cover for me that we were going somewhere she would go with her bf and I would go to AP house we would agree where we went and tell that story to BH.

January 22, 2022 D-Day happened
BH suspected something was going on. BH puts a GPS on my car to know where I'm going when he saw where I was going was lie he went and arrived to a motel he almost had a fight with front desk where they gave our room number and keys, he came in and found me in all 4 taking it up my ass.... shouting started me crying my BH end up beating ap, and he saw me which so much pain in his eyes I knew I had broken him. i hated my self told me to but some cloths on, and he would be waiting home and wanted some answers. i changed and went back home i complete broke down asked for forgives I knew how bad I fucked up, but I end up answering all his questions did not tell him that daughter she knew he made me pick up some cloths and trowed me out of the house.

I did not heard anything for a month i was able to rent a small apartment and started to look for jobs i cut off all contact with ap but well my daughter broke down with guilt and confessed that she knew and did not tell him anything told what happened back in July. He end up calling me even more angry even worse when he saw me in the motel i had to go pick up my daughter she has been living with us after this her bf broke with her.

Now this past 7 months been real hard my oldest son and oldest daughter the ones that did not know about all this stopped talking to me. My youngest the one that knew has swings of emotion and depression, we have gone to a therapist and things have been improving. I also have done solo therapy to try to improve my self, to learn about my doings. I have talked 8 times in person to my BH he hasn't filed for divorced he says he is not sure if he can but there been too much going on that he was betrayed not only from me also her own daughter and that one hurt even more than the affair I had been complete open to him gave him everything I had all the text messages and Facebook he asked me for everything, so I did. I have said that I would do anything to fix things with him and daughter even if that means that our marriage would end I would take that because I completed fucked over my daughter and the thing I want to see her is happy same for him that was the last time we talked he seemed a bit better and just said he would think about it (he has also going to therapy).

Sorry for this long post was refreshing letting everything out, I'm not sure if anyone can help me with recommendation on how I could fix dad and daughter relationship.

Full disclosure: I am a BH. You may wish to post a stop sign in order to prevent other BH's from responding to your post. I will make this as short as possible. Your husband must be given the space to process all that has happened. Let's face it, as affair go, yours is particularly heinous in involving your daughter.

Your BH finds himself between a rock and a hard place. There simply is no good way out of this nightmare. If he divorces, the family is blown up and he has to start his life over. If he stays and attempts to reconcile, he is forced with having to swallow a monstrous shit sandwich served up to him by you and his daughter.

Both you and your daughter should make your intentions and apologies known to your husband. It sounds like this has already been done. Now, let him process everything. DO NOT pressure him for a decision. It must be his choice. If he feels forced in anyway he will resent his decision and it will only sentence him to continued emotional trauma. Obviously, whatever he chooses to do will take years for him to process. Through therapy, let's hope he makes the decision that is right for himself.

Hello MissSiren,

BH here. I usually try to put a hopeful, positive spin on things when I post, which is rare these days. In your case I'm having a little trouble. My wife's affair was a multi-year thing so I understand about the pain your husband is feeling. It is IMPERATIVE that you give him all the time and space he needs in order to process this trauma. Also, all the details he wants no matter how painful or graphic, which I think you've been doing already, so BRAVA for that.

My username describes how I was when I found out and, even though I got a revenge of sorts on the AP, I still felt hollow and angry for a long time. I behaved awfully towards my wife with words, which according to her hurt the most, and deeds. I'm embarrassed at how I acted because we have children and they saw a lot of it. You have to be prepared for that from your husband and his anger may last for a considerable time. Just remember, anything he says/does is coming from a place of pain so just as you want forgiveness from him, be quick to offer forgiveness to him in return. I'm not suggesting you stand for being abused and disrespected. You have the right to speak out if it occurs, gently and mindfully. Just give him your understanding and compassion.

It's good that everyone is in therapy. It does help, given time and I encourage you to support your husband's therapy efforts. The male ego is very fragile and many men can not handle sharing the details of the affair and the feelings associated with it. He has strength. Also there is the cost of the therapy itself. You mentioned you got a job and apparently, I'm assuming, you are phyically separated. If it is at all possible you may consider paying the cost of his therapy yourself. Not only will it relieve him of a considerable financial burden, but would also demonstrate your commitment to making things better, no matter what the outcome may be.

As bad as it may seem now, there is hope. Not to jack your thread but my wife and I divorced. However, in time, we were able to recocile to the point of being effective co-parents and awhile later we started dating as a couple. Talk of remarriage has come up over the years, but I'm reluctant as things are working now. No need to rock the boat. She says she's happy just to have the family together again, even though we maintain separate homes.

Earlier, you were advised to restrict access to the post from the betrayed spouses. That is the conventional wisdom, but I suggest leaving the access open for now. Many betrayeds will chime in and often give helpful advise and tips, despite their pain. Also, if anyone gets out of line the moderators will quickly swoop in to get things under control. If things get tough they'll help you restrict access. It won't be a problem.

To close, I'm glad you shared. It took a great deal of strength and courage on your part to do so, even though you are anonymous. When you speak to your husband again, you might suggest he join the forum, if he feels comfortable doing so. There are several couples who are co-members here. He will receive a lot of empathy and compassion. No pressure though. This site has been a Godsend for me and I think it's safe to say that for others as well. Keep posting and hang in there.

MissSiren:

Suggestion: Read the stories in the "Just Found Out" forum - to get an idea of where your BH is emotionally. Note all the items or actions suggested for the BH to do. And list and do as much as you can the "requirements" from the unfaithful spouse."

Your confession here is a very negative list of things you did - but not the worst this forum has recorded by posters.

Start doing the things noted that the BH requires (read the JFO stories) and resign yourself you have to fix yourself. BH has to find a way to live with the memory you have bestowed on him.

Time is necessary - years - but be prepared to live life long-term without your BH as a companion.

Also get the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair."

You have a very long path to walk and no-one can predict your destination but can only postulate at the possible ends.

MissSiren,

Welcome to SI. Sorry that you find yourself here, but know that you are in good company. Everyone here has experienced the devastation of infidelity just like you have. Sadly, there are no good or easy answers, no one can promise you an ending, and we're all just doing our best to stay positive and focused. But there are things we can do that will help us, help our spouses, and help our families, and most of those things have to do with ourselves. As you said yourself, it is the process of becoming a better person.

You and I have a few things in common. I am 56, married 25 years, have three grown children. During the affair, I stupidly brought the AP into my home, into our bed, and worst of all, introduced her to the kids and even to my wife (she was "a friend" of course). At some point, my daughter (16 at the time) noticed us being a little too affectionate, and similar to what happened with your daughter, she started to become part of the lie. I ended up treating my daughter more like a friend or an equal, and not as a parent, and in doing so, started to share our frustrations about my wife, and effectively turned my daughter against my wife. The two older kids did not find out what was going on until D-day, but it devastated them. Before my wife and I married, she had a previous husband who our two oldest are from. They divorced (the father was a gambler) and their Dad moved away and was no longer an active participant in their lives again. So for the kids, and my wife, this was a second betrayal to deal with, making things all the worse. To this day, my kids all struggle with trust issues and with committed relationships. While we've worked through a lot together, those emotional scars will never go away.

You said you are about 7 months in to the process and already seeing an IC, so that's good. You are on the right path. You should know that things from this point on will be tough. Recovery from an affair takes years, and the first year or two, at least in my experience, is just a painful time. The BS is usually overwhelmed with pain and feeling as though their entire world has been pulled out from under them and left them "kicked to the curb" with no one to trust and no real support. The WS is usually flailing, trying desperately to "make right" what cannot be fixed, and feeling buried under shame and regret, and trying to come to terms with what they did and who that makes them. For both spouses, it often feels endless and hopeless.

The best advice I can offer you at the moment is to stay humble, courageous, and determined. Do not lie or minimize about anything, and do not get defensive or "blame shift". These are typical responses most WS's seem to find themselves doing, and they often do more damage to an already sensitive situation.

Many BS's find that having a written timeline of events helps them to put the pieces together. Make sure you have one.

Apologizing is a good thing, however, most people respond better to empathy than to an apology. In other words, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel really bad about that" is really a statement about yourself, not them. It states how YOU feel. What they want to know is if you understand how THEY feel. So, "I'm sorry I hurt you, it was thoughtless and cruel of me to treat you like that, and I hurt you as a result. You deserved better." is a better approach. I'm not telling you to "just say the words" however, the goal is to change the narrative in your own head, so that thinking of others is a natural thing to do.

You said that your husband is still around, although undecided. That's a gift. That is time to work on yourself and to do whatever you can to prove him and the kids that you are willing and able to do whatever it takes, and that you really mean that. Also, you have to be prepared to let them go. Sometimes, infidelity is a deal-breaker, and no amount of apologies will help. It's important to know and accept that truth.

Keep coming back here. There are lots of good people here who can help. Don't expect to always get a hug a kind response however. Often, we need a little "hard truth" around here and that is often hard to hear and even harder to accept. But if you keep an open mind, and are willing to look at yourself in the worst possible light, then you will likely find that those harsh criticisms often lead to revelations.

Hello. I’m not sure how often you check this but if you’d like, my story is almost identical to yours. I’m not sure if you can message people directly on this site, but I am on reddit if you’d like to speak there.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:34 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

I'm probably wrong but, i think the best thing a WS can do is write a confession letter with as much details as possible to answer all the questions and completely disappear from BS life. Seriously move out of the city, state, completely ghost them as if they never existed. They cause more harm than help. When my bride cheated on me I completely moved out. Gave my 2 weeks notice, said good bye to my friends (I didn't live in the same city as my parents so that's was easy) cut from my life everyone from that place, and started from zero. Some friends tried to reach out to me via Facebook but never accepted them. During that time It hurt like crazy but I was back to my old self after a year. I ran into a friend's after 7 or so years who was applying for a job in the same school district and said we needed to get together and catch up and he'd let me know what happened to my ex but the truth is I never answered or replied to his e-mails. I don't need that kind of crap in my life. Having said that. If you're a WS again you might want to write a confession letter and completely disappear and let BS heal on their own

[This message edited by Chorepax at 5:18 AM, Friday, August 26th]

I wanted my WS to stick around to answer questions and receive updates on how I was doing - you know, to hear me shout 'I AM FURIOUS ABOUT THIS!' Or, 'I'm going out. I don't know when I'll be back.' So I'm really against the WS-writes-confession-and-leaves solution.

If the BS leaves that's different.

I tend to agree with sisoon. I've read too many grieving posts from BS whose WS walked away from their marriage without a backward glance. That said, your split most have been very traumatic for you to cut ties with everything and everyone who was part of your married life. I'm sorry that happened to you.

There's a point where Chorepax is right. But it requires a WS be in touch in a way I don't believe most are capable of and when children are involved it's more complicated. I wish my WW had done what he suggested back in 2007. A clean cut allows for clarity(for a bs) where it's not possible otherwise.