SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think some of you know my story, I've had a few posts to check.

I thought I was making so much progress. I hired a lawyer, I filed for divorce. I was feeling better leaving my kids with STBXH, and actually surprising myself by enjoying some of my time alone. I was still feeling uneasy not having the kids around, but less so. When we first separated I had this feeling that I wasn't allowed to go do things, be out of the house too long, ect. Because I was so used to having to get right back home to take care of the kids. I was making so much progress in feeling less anxiety about that. Then shit hit the fan in a bad way.

I don't really have the emotional bandwidth to go into all of it. But long story short, he showed violence for the first time. He broke down a door at my house. My kids and I weren't present at the time, but we came home and found it. It really really scared me. I didn't think he was capable of violence towards me. This might sound like just a door but it felt personal. He broke it, then came back and broke it a second time. My lawyer told me to get a PPO (personal protection order) so I did. I feel guilty about it but I was so scared guys. The next time I saw him he had so much rage in his eyes when he looked at me. So much disgust. He said such nasty things to try to hurt me (this was after he broke the door, but before I got the PPO).

So fast forward to today. PPO has been served. Divorce papers have been served. I go to pick up the kids (the PPO allows for some contact because we have kids together), and he's trying to talk to me. He says that he's legitimately concerned about me because his lawyer says that the divorce papers that we served him are a mess and that my lawyer must not know at all what shes doing, and that he'll be able to have exactly what he wants no problem. He's looking at me wanting to make sure that I'm not being taken advantage of. And then saying that no matter what is written and agreed to that he's going to take care of me financially because he doesn't want the kids to have to go to daycare. Then 30 seconds later he's telling me that his lawyer is aggressive and he's going to be coming at me hard, but its ok because its just on paper. In real life he's gonna take care of me so he's still the good guy. Then he slips and calls me babe. And I about lost it and started crying in front of him which I haven't done in months.

It hasn't even entered his mind that I don't want him to take care of me. I want to take care of myself! I want to be independent from him. I don't want to depend on him because he's not dependable. I want him to pay his fair share (child support), and I will work part-time to make up the rest of what I need and that's it, end of story. Separate lives. I think that he thinks I'm not capable of taking care of myself. That I have no chance.

I have been verbally and emotionally abused by him since January. It's fucking with my head. I love him and I miss him and I hate him and I never want to have to talk to him again. It hurts too much to see him. On the weekend that I had the kids, he had his AP and her kids over to his place, riding the four-wheeler up and down the street for everyone to see. He's moved on and replaced me. He's trying to blame the fact that my oldest son is having a hard time adjusting to all of this on me. He is literally scolding me through text like I'm a child.

I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I've lost all the progress I had made. This weekend I was back to feeling anxious the entire time. Felt like I was doing something wrong any time I left the house. I feel lost and lonely. I feel powerless. I know I need to turn to God, He will protect me. But it's hard.

I just want it to be over. I want the divorce to be over and decided. I want to have some kind of routine where he feels settled enough to just leave me the hell alone. We'll do pick up/drop offs for the kids and that'll be our only contact. I want to stop hurting.

Call your lawyer. Get him to back off any way you can.

There are apps monitored by the courts (if necessary) that allow you to keep in contact. Only respond if it’s $ or kid related. Block him everywhere but one place for now (email or text whatever works).

Learn to ignore everything else.

Dave every email or text as proof of harassment. Use it when necessary.

And how can he contact you if there is a restraining order against you?

He’s a psycho. And you need to be the stable parent. For your kids.

So sorry for you.

You are really showing strength in your post. You have made some great strides. I've had somebody kick in my door and steal stuff. It's very much like rape - and I've been raped (CSA and my XWH).

He's lying and trying to control you.

Let your lawyer know what he's said.

What an obnoxious a-hole. He's a bully and he's trying to get you to back down. Please be careful and stay safe.

I go to pick up the kids (the PPO allows for some contact because we have kids together), and he's trying to talk to me. He says that he's legitimately concerned about me because his lawyer says that the divorce papers that we served him are a mess and that my lawyer must not know at all what shes doing, and that he'll be able to have exactly what he wants no problem. He's looking at me wanting to make sure that I'm not being taken advantage of. And then saying that no matter what is written and agreed to that he's going to take care of me financially because he doesn't want the kids to have to go to daycare. Then 30 seconds later he's telling me that his lawyer is aggressive and he's going to be coming at me hard, but its ok because its just on paper. In real life he's gonna take care of me so he's still the good guy. Then he slips and calls me babe. And I about lost it and started crying in front of him which I haven't done in months.

What kind of PPO allows him to verbally harass you??? My advice would be to call your attorney tomorrow and either put him on supervised visitation with a court officer or whatever else can be done to make him stay away from you.

It doesn't matter what he says. Nothing he says is important because NOTHING his says is believable. You're not dealing with your husband anymore. You're dealing with the OW's boyfriend. Is THAT the guy you're going to put your financial faith in? At a certain point, this type of cheater is just a sock puppet for the OW. She's dripping poison in his ear and making obligations for him in HER home.

I love him and I miss him and I hate him and I never want to have to talk to him again.

What exactly is it that you still love about this guy? the way he cheats on you? the way he lies? Do you miss wondering where he is whenever he was "running late"? miss being the marriage police? What you're looking for here is indifference, and yeah, I get it. It's pretty early for that. But you have to be a good enough friend to yourself to be stern when this "I love him" crap rolls into your brain uninvited. There's nothing lovable about a guy who fucked around on his wife and destroyed his children's family dynamic. Ask yourself if that's the kind of guy you'd wish on your best friend, or your sister, or your daughter if you had one. Then... BE the kind of friend to yourself you deserve.

((big hugs)) You're okay. You can do this. You're smart and strong and competent. BE there for yourself.

Based on your story and what you share the initial reaction is that he’s bullying you. You do NOT want to be financially dependent on a bully, because no matter what he says he will use finances as a tool to bully with.

But…
How do you feel about your attorney? Do his comments undermine your trust in her?
I would want to have 100% trust in my attorney so I would suggest you do a couple of things:
1)How long has she been practicing? Divorce attorneys do divorces… that’s what they do all day long and if she’s been preparing bad paperwork or is out of her depth then she hardly would be practicing at all. If she only opened her office in the last year or so or does general family-law with an occasional divorce then I would consider his comments, but if she’s a divorce attorney… not so much.
2)Share with your attorney what he said. She can both assure you of her work and possibly use the information to your advantage.
3)If ANY doubt then consult with a third party. Spending a couple of hundred to get assurance can well be worth it.

But I think it’s all a bullying ploy.

I go to pick up the kids (the PPO allows for some contact because we have kids together),

Since you have an order of protection can you make other arrangements for pickup? I work in a courthouse and I see it all the time where kid exchanges happen in the parking lot here. There isn't necessarily law enforcement out there but everyone knows they are on camera.

He is going to manipulate you to your breaking point hoping you will snap and then he will use that against you. I'm glad you have the OP on file and just keep documenting. Make sure all communications are text or email so there is a paper trail.

I feel like I need some of this tough love to snap me out of it. I was feeling in love with him and forgetting, it was the image and fantasy of who I wanted him to be that I was really in love with. Not the reality. In reality, he left me alone for most of our marriage, especially at the end. I tried so hard to please him and make things better and not only did he not notice that, but he thought that I wasn't doing enough. He has a way of getting in my head. He knows my weak spots.

I know that he's pushing the boundaries of the PPO. And I know it's my fault because I'm letting him. I know that I need to be stronger. It's so hard. It should be easy but it's just not. Leafields - you say that I seem stronger and I hope you're right. I have my kids to think about so I have to be.

I trust my lawyer. I had her recommended to me from a family friend of 20+ years who is also an attorney, but not practicing in my area. He trusts her and I trust him. And so far she hasn't given me reason to doubt her. I think he's trying to get in my head with that again.

Why does he even bother to try to be nice to me anymore? What's the point? It's just making things harder.

Yes, he's pushing the boundaries of the PPO. All child exchanges in a public place. Even if it's a Walmart parking lot. Court ordered supervision would be even better! Talk to your lawyer about all of this. Pushing back protects you, and your kids. His escalation is concerning. Use the law to protect you and your kids.

A family planning app will help grey rock him and cut down on unwanted texting. Time to get one and use it. Document all communications.

How terrifying! So sorry you and your kids had to experience the violation of your home. FWS you have moved 20 steps forward, not back. You filed a PPO, you've filed for divorce. I see resolve in your post. You're staying strong and not letting him control you anymore. Well done.

Why does he bother to "be nice"? Being nice is one way to manipulate you.

Remember the three manipulation channels? Rage/Self-pity/Charm (being nice).

Manipulators can randomly surf through the channels in rapid succession to hit the most efficient channel to manipulate you.

During that conversation he tried all three channels until he got the desired reaction from you. Which was to hurt you, bully and visibly rattle you. Which gives him satisfaction. FWS, he's one sick individual.

So glad you made the decision to work with a therapist. Maybe the two of you can work on grey rock strategies to neutralize his button pushing? Not only is he pushing the boundaries of the PPO, he's pushing your boundaries as well. Violating your home - asserting it's still HIS HOME by stealing things and breaking the door down. It's positive you're recognizing that the abuse isn't just a recent occurrence. Sweetie, what you describe in your posts is abuse. And it sounds like he abused you throughout your entire marriage. Trauma bonding is a real thing. Please also explore trauma bonding with the therapist - see if the concept resonates......

Bigger does have a point about getting a second opinion from another divorce lawyer if you don't have 100% confidence in your attorney. HIs threats about "coming at" you "hard" shouldn't be taken lightly. He's a bully but better safe than sorry. Discuss with the lawyer.

Know you want to hang onto your house....but maybe selling and moving into town (or another town) could be a good thing? Provide some separation. A fresh start. I wouldn't want to live so close to an abusive EX - where we'd see him driving up and down the street or possibly bump into him when leaving the house. Wonder if the anxiety around leaving the house is exacerbated by his physical proximity to your home? Just a thought. You're in charge, and you're doing great. Really.

Hang in there FWS! You've got this.

ETA
Here's a brief nugget describing trauma bonding. Hope this helps!

This emotional attachment, known as a trauma bond, develops out of a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement.
The trauma of abuse might create powerful feelings you struggle to make sense of, especially when abuse alternates with kindness and intimacy.
It’s only natural to develop a bond with someone who treats you with kindness. Many abusive relationships begin with a shower of affection and assurances of love.
When the abuse begins, it may take you by surprise. Afterward, your partner might apologize, swear to change, or insist “I was just upset.”
These attempts to manipulate often succeed, since you remember the early days of the relationship and believe they can be that person again.
Trauma bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics.
First, they depend on intermittent reinforcement. In other words, a cycle of abuse.
It’s generally easier to leave a situation that’s entirely bad, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness or concern for your well-being. If you don’t believe someone will ever change, you probably won’t stick around.
But in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well. They might bring you gifts, call you their soul mate, take you out, or urge you to relax.
These gestures can be confusing and disarming, especially if thought of as signs of permanent change.
Eventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you might ignore or suppress memories of their past behavior until the cycle begins again.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:41 PM, Monday, May 23rd]

I don't know your story and you almost certainly don't know mine. But, I have gone through a very nasty divorce and I also watched my current girlfriend's divorce from her husband.

Some thoughts that I have after reading your post:

So fast forward to today. PPO has been served. Divorce papers have been served.

Good job on the PPO. And good job getting the divorced papers served.

He says that he's legitimately concerned about me because his lawyer says that the divorce papers that we served him are a mess and that my lawyer must not know at all what shes doing, and that he'll be able to have exactly what he wants no problem.

First, you should NEVER accept legal advice from your adversary in a legal dispute (and a divorce is a legal dispute). So, you should immediately ignore most of what he says. AT MOST, you should ask your attorney and maybe an independent third party about what he said. That is, you can certainly question your lawyer's work... but don't question it because of what *he* says.

And, based on my experience, most people do not get what they want out of a divorce. It took me 3.5 years and a lot of legal fees to get what I wanted, but I never wanted anything other than half of our stuff (and I let her pick which half she wanted) and a fair settlement under the law. Please note that I went to trial (seriously expensive) and I mostly won there... and then I did an appeal that I mostly lost... but I won enough at the appeal that I was able to negotiate a fair/reasonable settlement last week (she filed in October 2018).

Second, is he an attorney? does he have the expertise to judge your attorney's work? In my experience, the documents in which my ex petitioned for divorce were some of the least important filings in 3.5 years. His comment seems like complete nonsense to me.

And then saying that no matter what is written and agreed to that he's going to take care of me financially because he doesn't want the kids to have to go to daycare. Then 30 seconds later he's telling me that his lawyer is aggressive and he's going to be coming at me hard, but its ok because its just on paper. In real life he's gonna take care of me so he's still the good guy.

This is completely insane. Don't listen to him at all. Seriously, work on developing the skill where you basically ignore everything that he says or that you don't take what he says seriously. This is a guy who cheated on you... which involves lying and manipulating. You're going to trust *that* guy in legal matters?

I developed the skill of ignoring my ex. It wasn't easy because I was used to her gaslighting but I was able to do it. My ex testified for 6 hours in court and I recently read the court transcript of her testimony and I literally don't remember her saying most of what she said in court. I was mostly ignoring her, which is what you need to do.

It hasn't even entered his mind that I don't want him to take care of me. I want to take care of myself! I want to be independent from him. I don't want to depend on him because he's not dependable. I want him to pay his fair share (child support), and I will work part-time to make up the rest of what I need and that's it, end of story. Separate lives. I think that he thinks I'm not capable of taking care of myself. That I have no chance.

Divorce laws vary substantially depending on where you live... but... if you were in my location and he had committed the angry acts that you claim... he would be in a lot of trouble. He would get little to no child custody (30% at best) and he would be paying a lot of alimony and child support.

Most regular people have an idea of what they think is fair and just. The law is often very different from what they think. The law is what it is... it is not what they think. This is also why you have a lawyer.

I have been verbally and emotionally abused by him since January. It's fucking with my head. I love him and I miss him and I hate him and I never want to have to talk to him again. It hurts too much to see him. On the weekend that I had the kids, he had his AP and her kids over to his place, riding the four-wheeler up and down the street for everyone to see. He's moved on and replaced me. He's trying to blame the fact that my oldest son is having a hard time adjusting to all of this on me. He is literally scolding me through text like I'm a child.

Keep track of everything that you can, especially all written communication. Learn about the laws in your location, specifically learn whether or not you can record what he says without his permission.

I just want it to be over. I want the divorce to be over and decided. I want to have some kind of routine where he feels settled enough to just leave me the hell alone. We'll do pick up/drop offs for the kids and that'll be our only contact. I want to stop hurting.

Unfortunately, the legal process is very very slow and tedious. You can talk to your lawyer about setting up a temporary situation before the actual divorce. My ex did this and I was forced to move out of the marital and to pay her a monthly amount (i.e., similar to child support and alimony). This temporary situation, in my location, is specifically for situations like yours in which one person is scared of the other and in-house separation is not safe. Although women can abuse men too, the courts are pretty biased against men in these situations so you will be at a huge advantage.

To summarize all of this, get yourself a lawyer that you trust. If you don't trust your lawyer, then go find yourself a new lawyer that you do trust (and have lawyer#2 fire lawyer#1 for you). After that, openly communicate with your lawyer about all issues and then work with your attorney about how to proceed. Your job is to communicate your situation to your attorney. Your attorney's job is to give you legal advice based on what you communicate and then do all of the legal work behind the scenes on your behalf. After that, you need to communicate with your ex as little as possible, be as great of a mom as you can be, and move on by putting your life together. (notice: listening to his legal theories is not one of your jobs).

Thank you so much for taking so much time to respond, you have put so much effort and thought into your responses, and they are helping me so much! I want to respond to some things.

Remember the three manipulation channels? Rage/Self-pity/Charm (being nice).

Manipulators can randomly surf through the channels in rapid succession to hit the most efficient channel to manipulate you.

He is a master at rotating through these channels. Like you said, sometimes all in the same conversation! I am doing my best to not respond at all. It's hard because it's my instinct to want to stand up for myself against his irrational craziness. But I know that there is no reasoning with him. He is in his own reality where I am the evil one. There's no talking to that. I know I'm slowly getting better about grey-rocking his ass. And it's scary when I write things on here because I try to stay objective and just put the facts so I'm not twisting things or overreacting, and everyone tells me that he's sick, or a psycho. Scary.

Know you want to hang onto your house....but maybe selling and moving into town (or another town) could be a good thing?

I'm trying to prepare myself that selling the house won't be the worst thing in the world. I love my house and I don't want my kids to have to move. But if it happens, I know that I will make that work too. And I might even like having a house that is only mine, no memories of him. It would only be mine and he couldn't act like it's his at all. In reality, I don't think there's going to be a decision on that for months, so for now I'm choosing to not even think much about it. I have enough on my plate for the moment to worry about that too.

Barcher144 - what you say about taking his advice makes so much sense! He is trying to intimidate me so that he can be in control. He always wants to tell me exactly how the divorce is going to play out, who is going to get what. He acts like he has all the power to make all the decisions, that I have no say whatsoever. He loves to say that everything we own is his because he's been the one making money while I've been a stay-at-home mom. So for example he'll say I have no claim to the house or my van because it's all in his name. BUT I KNOW that they were both acquired during the marriage, making them marital assets, owned by both of us. So he's just trying to intimidate and scare me. Trying to make me feel powerless and that I have to depend on him and THANK him for his GENEROSITY!

Of course I'm nervous about what the divorce will end up looking like. I'm hoping that I can get decent child support so that I only have to go back to work part-time and not full-time. But in this moment there's nothing I can do about it. I trust my lawyer and I trust that she is doing everything she can for me. I'm hoping the violence he has shown towards me and the PPO will go in my favor. Not to mention the other PPO and domestic violence charge against him from his first AP.

Currently, he is blowing up my phone with texts about how selfish I am for getting the PPO and how I was overreacting and it was over absolutely nothing. He's mad because he's not allowed at any school events now, and my son is having a little preschool graduation next week. He wants to tell our 5 year old that he can't come because "Mom doesn't like Dad" "Mom and her nonsense and selfishness" and "It's mom's fault." Nothing I say about how that will just hurt our son seems to make a difference, no, he says it's me hurting him because I got the PPO in the first place. I know he's full of sh!t. I know that. I got the PPO for good reason. I got it to protect me and my babies! And a judge objectively agreed with me. But if he tells my son half of what he says he's going to, its going to break my heart. My son is already having trouble adjusting to our separation. The last few weeks since he's seen the door to his HOME BROKEN, he's been way more emotional. He's picking up on the increased tension even though I'm trying my best to hide it from him. I am currently in the process of finding a councilor for him to talk to.

If he's already bringing our son into this mess and hurting him, how much worse will it get? How much is he going to try to set my son against me? All the while I always tell all my kids how much Dad loves them and wishes he could be with them more. I've read posts from others on here about this type of situation with kids. I'm not really that shocked that I'm dealing with it now too, but I didn't expect it to come so soon. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for hurting my baby.

He loves to say that everything we own is his because he's been the one making money while I've been a stay-at-home mom.

You can wish him luck with this legal theory. Divorce laws vary depending on location... but I've never heard of something like this in the USA.

So for example he'll say I have no claim to the house or my van because it's all in his name. BUT I KNOW that they were both acquired during the marriage, making them marital assets, owned by both of us. So he's just trying to intimidate and scare me.

I am glad that you understand that he's trying to intimidate you. Let him talk. Do not respond unless it's necessary. It's all just noise. Try not to react at all, in fact. Hopefully, he'll get bored if you don't flinch and he will stop.

Of course I'm nervous about what the divorce will end up looking like.

Not as nervous as he is, I promise (why do you think that he's trying to intimidate you?). And it's okay to be nervous.

I'm hoping that I can get decent child support so that I only have to go back to work part-time and not full-time.

In my location, everyone is expected to work full time... or as a minimum, you should be working towards working full time. So, if you need some education and/or training, then you might get a year or two or three to do that... but the idea is that you would eventually become self-sufficient (self-sufficient means you can support yourself... he will still have to provide his share of support for your joint children).

Here again, you need to know the divorce laws in your location and I can't help you with that. Ask your lawyer, perhaps?

You can also use this as a negotiating point. Do you know how expensive day care is? Do you know that he will be responsible for "his share" of daycare so that you can work and/or go to school? Something to discuss with your lawyer for sure.

But in this moment there's nothing I can do about it. I trust my lawyer and I trust that she is doing everything she can for me.

Good!!!!

I went through three lawyers. My first lawyer was a sweet woman but she was clearly intimidated by opposing counsel (my xWW hired a psycho attorney). So, I fired her. My second lawyer claimed to have specialized in high conflict cases... but for whatever reason, she did not actually do nearly enough for my case (she didn't even show up to court for a very important hearing). So, I fired her. My third attorney is just a good attorney. She made some mistakes but she was good.

(I alluded to this before. But, a mistake that I made was personally firing attorney#1. This left me without an attorney for two weeks, which opposing counsel exploited. I learned from this mistake and I hired attorney#3 before I fired attorney#2... actually I literally had attorney#3 fire attorney#2. This is the way to do it... hopefully, you don't need this information... but just in case, I'm sharing this advice with you).

You don't need a magical attorney, just a good one.

I can read and understand the laws and statutes pretty well, but there is a difference between the letter of the law and how it is actually practiced. There is also "case law", which you can't know unless you have worked in that area. Listen to legal advice from others but listen to your attorney more than anything.

Anyway, as long as you have a good lawyer, that's the best that you can do. There really isn't a lot magical that attorneys can do other than make up lies but that's not a sustainable strategy (my xWW lied a lot and that worked for her at first... but I have done pretty well since the initial hearing).

I'm hoping the violence he has shown towards me and the PPO will go in my favor. Not to mention the other PPO and domestic violence charge against him from his first AP.

I cannot imagine that it won't, especially because there are now accusations from multiple women. My ex accused me of domestic violence and the judge (initially) believed her accusations even though the police report from the incident explicitly said that there was no assault. No judge wants to be on the news for ignoring domestic violence, let me put it that way.

Currently, he is blowing up my phone with texts about how selfish I am for getting the PPO and how I was overreacting and it was over absolutely nothing.

CALL YOUR ATTORNEY AND REPORT THIS RIGHT NOW!!! He is making things worse for himself. My guess is these texts are a violation of the PPO. You need to report this!!!

He's mad because he's not allowed at any school events now, and my son is having a little preschool graduation next week. He wants to tell our 5 year old that he can't come because "Mom doesn't like Dad" "Mom and her nonsense and selfishness" and "It's mom's fault." Nothing I say about how that will just hurt our son seems to make a difference, no, he says it's me hurting him because I got the PPO in the first place. I know he's full of sh!t. I know that. I got the PPO for good reason. I got it to protect me and my babies! And a judge objectively agreed with me. But if he tells my son half of what he says he's going to, its going to break my heart. My son is already having trouble adjusting to our separation. The last few weeks since he's seen the door to his HOME BROKEN, he's been way more emotional. He's picking up on the increased tension even though I'm trying my best to hide it from him. I am currently in the process of finding a councilor for him to talk to.

This is the worst part. You are being a good parent and trying to keep children out of an adult divorce... and he's being an asshole by keeping the kids in the middle of the divorce.

In my location, custody disputes are resolved via a custody evaluation (super $$$). In theory, crap like this should hurt him in a custody dispute.

Regardless, here's what you need to do: BE A GOOD PARENT. Nothing more than that. Do not say anything bad about their father to your kids. Do not complain about him, ever, in front of them. Do not allow others to bash him either. Reassure your kids that both mom and dad love them. It's harder when they are young, but you have to keep your cool and just be a normal/good parent.

I recommend including a no-disparagement clause in your parenting agreement. To be honest, given his history of domestic violence and his response to the PPO (blowing up your phone?!!?), there is a decent chance that he won't even get unsupervised visitation. What a creep! (anyway, talk to your attorney about this).

If he's already bringing our son into this mess and hurting him, how much worse will it get? How much is he going to try to set my son against me? All the while I always tell all my kids how much Dad loves them and wishes he could be with them more. I've read posts from others on here about this type of situation with kids.

The good news for you is that you should have the upper hand because of the domestic violence, which the courts recognize. The courts do not (currently) recognize parental alienation, which the field of psychology is trying to get recognized as child abuse.

Parental alienation is terrible. It's the worst thing that I experienced in the last 6 years, which included some rather severe depression and anxiety problems.

If you can afford it, you might want to look into therapy for yourself and for your kids. There is a thing called "family therapy" where all of you can see the same person (without him, btw). (my parenting plan actually requires "family therapy" but my xWW refuses to let it happen).

I'm not really that shocked that I'm dealing with it now too, but I didn't expect it to come so soon. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for hurting my baby.

You should always realize that he is an awful person, that he is always dangerous, and he'll do anything to hurt you, even if it means hurting his own kids. You should try to forgive him (i.e., no longer be actively angry at him -- that's healthier for you) but NEVER forget who he is.

Why does he bother being nice to you? He does this to keep you off balance and to control you through that imbalance. I agree with the other poster, have it in the custody that drop offs have to be at your local police station or other safe place with cameras. It wouldn't hurt to put a dash cam in your vehicle for child exchanges too.
He's a bully. If you're able and willing, get a BIG breed protective dog. Perhaps, a German Shepherd, Rottweiler, bull mastiff, you get the idea. I'd take him with me at exchanges too. The less contact you have with him, the less he can try these ridiculous tactics. Children and finances. Anything else you shut down. If it's a phone call, hang up when he veers off those two subjects. If its in person, turn around and walk away if he changes the subject to anything other than children and finances. Be safe!

I think that he thinks I'm not capable of taking care of myself. That I have no chance.

He wants you to think that you're not capable so that you drop all this lawyer nonsense and allow him to toss you peanuts whenever he feels like it instead of paying his fair share. Also, he can control you better by threatening to take that dependence away from you if you "misbehave". It's not just about him thinking you're not capable. It's about him still being able to have control over you which can only happen if you believe you aren't capable and turn to him for more help. You being fully independent means that he can no longer hold it over your head. He is aware of that which is why he keeps oscillating between sweet talk and threats hoping one will work in getting you back under his control.

Do everything possible to limit his contact with you. Don't respond to his texts unless you absolutely have to for kids/finances/D stuff. Ask your lawyer about setting up a parenting app and only communicating through the app then you can block his phone number. The less he can reach you, the less ability he has to control you.

Currently, he is blowing up my phone with texts about how selfish I am for getting the PPO and how I was overreacting and it was over absolutely nothing.

When I had my PPO, my ex couldn't contact me. If he did, it was a violation of the order which I reported to the police. I had printouts from work of each call he made. It was over 2000 calls in one year. I had recordings of the threatening voice mails he left. All of this was presented to the police who eventually arrested him for the violations.

In your case, print out the text messages. Record voice mails if he leaves any. Keep a daily journal of any contact by him or if he's late for pickups/drop-offs. I'm assuming you have temporary custody orders of the the kids? Is there a schedule for pickup/drop-off of the kids? If so, you should not have to engage in conversation about that. Have your attorney submit a letter indicating where pickup/drop-offs will be from now on and the scheduled times.

Don't engage. Don't reply unless it's a confirmation about the kids and even then, you only need to provide yes/no answers. It's hard, but you can do this.

Whew, it's been about a week since I lasted posted, but it feels like much longer.

I know that you all are right about the PPO. He's pushing it way too far and I'm letting him. I did tell him that I refuse to do drop offs/pick ups at his house anymore. We can either use his parents' assistance at their house, or the police station parking lot. And I have been taking screenshots of all texts and sending them all to my lawyer. She is encouraging me to call the police when he approaches me. It's so hard though. My kids are present and I don't want to put them through even more drama. Calling the police just because Dad is talking to Mom would be confusing for them. So for right now I'd rather make it so I'm not in that situation to begin with. Remove the opportunity. Because I do see that it's also not good for the kids to see Dad bullying Mom every time we see each other.

Not too much else has happened. I went away for Memorial Day weekend camping with friends. He freaked out and got pissed because, you know, he owns me and I'm not allowed to have fun.

I dared to ask him pay half of the copay for dentist appointments and, you guessed it, he got pissed. Apparently I waste money and he lives like a hermit and doesn't spend any money. I guess the money he spends buying OW's kids things, taking OW AND her kids out to dinner all the time, and taking our kids to Chuckie cheese every weekend doesn't count in his mind...

I'm anxious to get the divorce process moving. I'm anxious to get a custody schedule. He makes it so difficult right now because nothing is court ordered so he can f*ck with my head and change up times/not give me a heads up/just be vague in general. He seriously acts like a child.

I have been feeling really sad the past couple of days though. The depression phase is taking a swing at me. Getting court dates really means that I'm going to be divorced. I'm going to be by myself. My marriage is over. The fantasy of the life I thought we'd have is gone. And he has already jumped headfirst into his new life and left me in the dust. He can say the cruelest things. The basic betrayal of it all still stings a lot.

The fantasy of the life I thought we'd have is gone. And he has already jumped headfirst into his new life and left me in the dust. He can say the cruelest things. The basic betrayal of it all still stings a lot.

That's just it, it was just a fantasy in which he wasn't capable of fulfilling his role. He's still not capable so don't think AP is getting a better version of your WS. He's still the same narcisitic asshole he was with you. Concentrate on being true to your kids and yourself. You'll come out better in the end.

It sounds like you are doing as well as you can with all of this. That's a really good idea to get away with friends and to have a good time.

That's just it, it was just a fantasy in which he wasn't capable of fulfilling his role.

Yep. I tend to view my ex as a ghost. Whatever/whoever I thought she was... that wasn't real.... just like a ghost.

Calling the police just because Dad is talking to Mom would be confusing for them. So for right now I'd rather make it so I'm not in that situation to begin with. Remove the opportunity. Because I do see that it's also not good for the kids to see Dad bullying Mom every time we see each other.

I think removing the opportunity is smart. But if he finds a way, PLEASE call the police. It is not because mom is talking to dad. It is because dad is putting mom in danger and mom will stand up for herself and them. You will need this trail of calling the police as well as the messages and voicemails that you are saving. You really will. Be safe. Do not react to him - if he approaches you, simply call the police so they can be present. What he thinks or wants does not matter, at all. He is bullying you and is sure he will win. He will not.

You have a PPO then it needs to be enforced. This is not your doing but his as he is not respecting the boundries put into place.

He is not respecting you and your family at all.

It would be better if you were not participating in the drop off's. If that is not feasible than use the police station and never go without someone else with you.

If you don't call the police if he tries to approach you, it could put you at a disadvantage in court regarding custody and the divorce itself. PPOs are not something that should be taken lightly, or renegotiated based on the circumstances of the moment. When a judge grants one, they are believing you when you tell them that you are afraid for your safety. So when you allow that person you fear to be in your presence, you are diminishing your own credibility with the courts. I completely understand why you don't want to create an issue in front of your kids. But you didn't create this situation, he did.

I got a PPO against an ex boyfriend, who relentlessly stalked me for years. It was extremely difficult to have one granted in my county. My county had one of the worse track records in my state when it came to issuing and enforcing PPOs. Barely half were granted and if they were violated, there was an 86% dismissal rate of the charges. While it was taken to extreme here, the reason was not without any validity. There are unfortunately women that use PPOs as a weapon or leverage, and unfortunately, that makes it so much harder for someone like you who has every reason to be protected.

This man broke down your door twice. This is someone who needs to control his situation and everyone in it, and when he starts to lose that control he can't contain his rage. You did the right thing by getting a PPO. Do not feel guilty one bit. Don't doubt yourself. He wants to create situations that he can point to and say "See? She's not really afraid of me judge. She was just trying to punish me." And that's just what it will look like to a judge. Don't let him get away with it. The police department parking lot exchanges are your best bet. It sends the message that you are serious about the PPO being upheld.