SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am reading about some celeb getting married. Gushing over their spouse. My first thought is, "Marriage is stupid! You wont stay together. Love is fake."

I sort of surprised myself with that knee jerk thought!

Is this a stage in divorce? Thinking NO ONE is actually happily married?

Maybe it is a stage. I love marriage. I love love.
I love weddings. I believe in love.

I do think that too many people are in marriages that aren’t really as happy as they could/should be, and that is 100% based on having realized I was in one of those even though I thought we were the poster perfect picture. (Denial was strong in this one :-) ). So many of us- celebrities as well as regular joe’s like me - put too much in to the image of it all. But I believe good marriages exist.

I dont know Gotta, I do know that I love my H and he is wonderful to me and we recovered in a healthy way. Our relationship has been waaaay happier than sad. Many more great days than bad.

That said, I will NEVER EVER getarried again. He drops over tomorrow? I'm fine with being alone for the next 30 years or however long I have left. I know that life will be good regardless if he is in it or not.

I do think it is fairly normal for those that chose D to be skeptical about lurve and all that. I know several of the nurses I worked with, and friends that divorced definitely felt that way for a while.

We are in possible R. I don’t believe in marriage anymore. There are tons of people getting married and I am so skeptical of it. I won’t ever get married again no matter what happens here.

I think it depends on the person. I used to love marriage, love, romantic stuff. But like others I have had my heart broken and right now I’m not in a place where marriage can have the meaning it once did for me.

Gotta
Good question
I am at point (8 months since D) where I am doubtful I will ever experience real love and a healthy marriage. I say this because I don’t know what that looks like. Do they really exist? I don’t know too many people around me who have happy marriages. But I do believe marriages are sacred and those who experience real love are very very lucky.

I do not believe in marriage the way it is currently practiced and romanticized in our culture. I think marriage should be a short-term, renewable contract that expires if you don't proactively both sign on for it again. And it should have automatic divisions of child custody and child support and property, except in situations of domestic abuse. So let's say it's a two-year contract, and once you've renewed it 15 times you don't need to renew it anymore. But if you don't renew any time before that, *poof* it goes.

Yeah I've had all the romance knocked out of me, lol. I certainly will NOT EVER get married again. Fuck that!

I think marriage is a piece of paper and it’s not the paper that determines if folks stay together happily. It’s the commitment, loyalty and fidelity. This coming from a woman who has been married three times and just got out of a 3 yr relationship that ended due to a one night stand. Yep no second chances again for anyone. I still believe in love, commitment and happiness. I just need to remind myself of who I am and never sell myself short in a relationship again.

So I believe in love but the institution of marriage not so much.

I don't know whether I believe in marriage or not. I definitely don't want to get married again, although I probably will (my GF really wants to get married for some stupid reason).

My issue, being 100% honest, is not with the marriage but with the subsequent divorce. Why are divorces so complicated and expensive and painful?

At the very least, I take solace in the fact that divorce#3 will not involve any kids. That's the worst part of my divorce, by far.

12 years ago I was in the never getting married again boat. I've been married again for 8 of those years. Now that I'm approaching retirement age if I find myself single again, I probably wouldn't remarry. That just complicates things. Matter of fact, I don't think my 2nd wife and I would have married if it wasn't for her 9 year old son.

Being mutually committed to someone, walking hand-in-hand together, seeing life through all its trials and tribulations, is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

Any sort of state-sanctioned, legal-binding marriage is fucking stupid.

I don't think it's stupid in theory, but it has evolved into an institution with a built in failure rate. We have developed into a society that wants it all and when a relationship which was never designed to give us everything disappoints us, we bail.

Marriage was originally built, not around notions of romantic love and self actualization, but around survival and reproduction. By removing the threat of death (not surviving) from the equation, we've removed the risk of ending the arrangement. We can now go it alone, and we have a culture that constantly tells us that we can have it all. We can't. We never could.

I shudder to think where we as a species are headed in the next few decades.

IDK about marriage being stupid, but I think super lavish weddings (especially when people can't really afford them) are stupid. I have family members that saved up for years, not for a down payment on a house, but to pay for massive weddings that costs $50-80k+. And for what? A party that lasted a couple of hours?

I always though it would make more sense for people to have smaller/more subdued weddings and bigger celebrations for big anniversaries (10, 20, 25+ years). Even more so, now that I'm more aware of divorce and infidelity rates. :/

Marriage is not stupid. People are. I got married because I wanted a life time to get to know someone. I wanted to be there with them. Raise a family. When cheated on it broke me. I will never be the same again. But I still want that. But in this day and age I guess everyone and everything is disposable. Pave paradise to put up a parking lot.

That said, I will NEVER EVER getarried again. He drops over tomorrow? I'm fine with being alone for the next 30 years or however long I have left. I know that life will be good regardless if he is in it or not.

We are in possible R. I don’t believe in marriage anymore. There are tons of people getting married and I am so skeptical of it. I won’t ever get married again no matter what happens here.

I think it depends on the person. I used to love marriage, love, romantic stuff. But like others I have had my heart broken and right now I’m not in a place where marriage can have the meaning it once did for me.

^^ Yup. Never ever again. This BS says, marriage is stupid.

Why get married when living common law affords you all the benefits of marriage and none of the hassles of divorce?!?

I mean, most things are stupid, right? Except nachos. Nachos are brilliant.

Marriage can be stupid or amazing.

Since my marriage has experienced pain, stupidity and amazing — I think it’s like most relationships — it’s all about connection.

Be it the guys I’ve been friends with for 40-years or my brothers, former co-workers, it’s about how each person works on keeping the relationship healthy.

Since we’re talking marriage, it’s obviously not an easy or quick choice. At least not for anyone here in this forum.

But, I did enjoy raising two incredible sons with my wife. Like everything else, it wasn’t easy, but lots of joy along the way too.

My eldest son is still happy with his marriage choice, 5-years hitched. I hope it stays happy for him.

My youngest son may never get hitched. A bad break up with his fiancé has kept him doubtful about his next move.

Being vulnerable and open and close with someone doesn’t need a marriage certificate, but I have no regrets, despite all the pain my M went through.

Ultimate answer is you do you.

Go with works, and ride the wave as long as you can (married, single or life in a cave on an island somewhere).

Never again for me. My kids are grown and gone, and they get my stuff. I have no desire to get the courts involved in my relationships ever again. It never works out in my favor.

Plus, and it's been a long time for me since the betrayal and destruction of my marriage due to his over-the-top infidelity, but I will NEVER trust like I did before all that happened. I tried marrying again, and it's ending amicably, but honestly, I don't think I have what it takes to keep a marriage together. I'm just too cynical now about relationships.

If you're young and reproducing, I can see where marriage could be a viable option. But since I'm past child-bearing age, I do not see the point in getting any government organization involved in my personal relationships.

Stupid? For me, yes. But I don't want to answer for everyone.

I am not starting over for a third time because a relationship didn't work out, so no more marriage for me. I may have another serious relationship one day, but I am keeping my house in my name and all of my stuff and am not interested in paying attorneys if it all goes badly. I'm not splitting anything. Not even interested in splitting the plates and cookware in a breakup for a third time. Not a lawnmower, TV, couch, or so much as a bottle of Windex. No more worrying about where I'll live.

You know why I now believe it's stupid? Because it relies on the idea of both people being equally committed and in love. Um, I don't really buy into that as reasonable or likely, especially long term. It seems to me like one person always has one or more of the following, even early on. And this quality eventually tanks the balance and thus the R.

One person in a marriage always has at least one or more of these creating an imbalance:

Has a bigger ego

Has a larger need for validation

Has lower self-esteem

Has more romantic options

Has more outside connections

Has more complaints about the M

Has more unrealistic notions about M

Has more of a need to be M

Defines themselves more by the M

Has more avoidance issues

Is a better compartmentalizer

Has less to lose in a D

Cares less

Has more interpersonal issues

Is a poor communicator

Has piss poor boundaries

Is naive

Is controlling

Is SELFISH

And on and on.

How are people carrying around all of these issues NOT going to run into problems--find themselves clinging to crap partners or running away from good partners because of these issues?

I now feel confident that there is no such thing as two equally balanced and invested marital partners. That was a naive, youthful belief. I am more pragmatic in my view of marriage now. Your money goes further when sharing bills! Two people raising the kids is easier than one! Tax breaks! That stuff remains true whether someone cheats or not. The Disney stuff? Silly. People are far too complicated for that to have ever been true. (Ok, 2% of married couples have a Disney marriage. That they know of.)

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:03 PM, Wednesday, April 13th]