SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

Im not sure if I have posted this in the correct section, so please forgive me if I haven't.

A brief summary

9 months ago I found out that the person I have shared my life with for the past 21 years and the person that I had children with cheated on me. It was a brief affair lasting only 2 months. Since D-Day we have been through a lot. A lot of ups and downs, but we are still hanging in there and things are better, much better. But I dont think we are anywhere near healed and I wouldn't expect to be in just 9 months.

She cut contact with her affair partner
She changed her mobile number
She ceased all social media
She sticks to her word and is where she says she is
She is loving, shows affection and really acts like she made a mistake.

She really does seem to be doing everything that she can to fix the mess that she caused. She seems remorseful. She see's how much she has hurt me and our family.

But .........

Im still hurting. Im still asking myself why and how she could do this to me, to us and to our family.

She has answered question after question, every single day for hours on end for the past 9 months. So she is putting in the effort. Its just I cant seem to accept the answers and what she is saying.

Has everyone else that has been where I am felt the same? She understands I'm hurting and need to talk about it, but she does say that we also need to at least try and start putting this behind us to start to try and rebuild our life.

She has been honest about things she didn't really need to tell me. (she could have lied or refused to say). Like sexual positions and how many times she slept with him, which I kind of believe.

But some things I just don't believe at all and I think its holding me back from moving on.

Such as....

She says that she now sees that it was a mistake intact the biggest mistake of her life.
She says that she had no feelings for him and he meant nothing to her.
That the affair will never have a special place in her heart.
That she doesn't miss him or what they had and never did. Even though she told him that she did miss him.
She says they never talked about the sex after even though they were together a whole month after that.
She said that they never did anything sexual again not even foreplay in the car or out and about

She is swearing blind but I just don't believe it. Things don't add up. Why would they have sex and then never ever mention it again. Why would they have sex, spend time together and not be intermit any any way again. How can she say that he meant nothing and he was a massive mistake but then she tells me at the time he made her happy and she missed him. But now he meant nothing and its a mistake and she see's exactly what she has done.

Is this a case of me being to guarded and not wanting to get hurt or is it her trying to keep parts of the affair to herself?

She says she knows I need the truth and I'm getting it but I'm not listening. Something is not adding up. Everything is contradicting and I don't know what to do. Should I be letting go at this stage and trying to move on as we are just going around in circles with the questions.

Any advice would be much appreciated

Thanks in advance

My GUT was screaming when my H was having his A. He was working alone...overseas. I couldn't interact with him except through SKYPE...emails...and Whatsapp. But my GUT KNEW something was OFF. When we talked and I would ask questions...he was a gaslighting PRO. I TRIED to make things FIT...but my GUT wouldn't calm down. It was actually a relief when my H confessed to his A two days after coming home.

There were still a LOT of questions. My H would answer them...and sometimes my GUT was calm with that answer. But there were other times when something just didn't FIT. I kept asking...and when I got an answer that did fit...my GUT would be calm. I learned really quickly to ALWAYS trust my GUT!!!

I am not saying she is lying...but if something doesn't FIT...it could be something trivial to HER that she forgot about...but it won't make sense to YOU unless it is included. For instance...my H told me that the adultery co-conspirator in MY case was divorced. I was projecting that this was an innocent woman...like I was when I divorced my 1st H for cheating on me. I couldn't understand how this woman would allow herself to be used by a stranger like she did with my H though. Something didn't FIT. One day we were fixing supper together...and discussing his A. My H made a comment in passing about the adultery co-conspirator cheating on her H...and when her H found out he left her . Suddenly it dawned on me that I had never thought about HER being the cheater in her M. From MY experience...it was my 1st H who cheated...and that was why WE divorced. After I found out the adultery co-conspirator was a serial cheater...my H was her 3rd affair...then it all made sense !!

Why would they have sex and then never ever mention it again.

My H said they didn't talk about the sex they had. It seemed to HIM like the adultery co-conspirator wasn't as interested in the sex acts as she was in the emotional aspect. She would tell him how going to his hotel to have sex made her feel like a whore . Could your WS have been like this?

Why would they have sex, spend time together and not be intermit any any way again.

Was your WS more into the emotional aspect...the ego kibbles? That MIGHT explain it...I don't know.

How can she say that he meant nothing and he was a massive mistake but then she tells me at the time he made her happy and she missed him. But now he meant nothing and its a mistake and she see's exactly what she has done.

Have you heard about "limerance"? This COULD be what your WS was feeling too. Once reality set in...and she saw that she was being USED...all of that other stuff kind of got cold water put on it. People in affairs are selfish...and USE each other. They don't realize it at the time...but that is exactly what is happening. My H was distraught over how the poor adultery co-conspirator was devastated when he sent her that NC message. He knew he had used her...but he also felt bad for what she was going through. That is...until he read her reply to his NC message . He got so ANGRY at what she wrote!!! She actually LIED to him...just like he had LIED to her . You can't make this stuff up !!!

He told me months later that the anger he felt was because he was embarrassed when he saw what she had written. He realized that she USED him as much as he USED her...and he couldn't believe he was actually being played like that . I saw it for myself the SECOND he lost ANY feeling he had for her or what they did.

It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice. Actually many many choices. Over 2 months you’re probably into thousands of decision points small and large where she chose her affair over your marriage.

When things don’t make sense, it’s usually because you don’t have the truth.

Has she written out a timeline? If not tell her to and that it will be verified by polygraph. If she has ask her if she needs to make any changes before it’s verified by polygraph.

@Want2BHappyAgain

Thank you for getting in touch.

I want to believe that it was "limerance" and she really has seen the mess she has caused and that she has come to her senses. But something is telling me thats not the case.

Even though she is doing everything possible to fix this I dont think its possible that she can be saying she loves him and misses him one night and then the next she has nothing for him.

The first 3 months she was confused. Even though she says she wasn't she was. She found it hard. She would say may be she misses him then she didn't may be she loved him then she didn't. There was a time when she even told me she thinks she was falling out of love with me. Once we got to month 4 and 5 of no contact things started to change and I could see a massive change in her and her attitude to the affair.

How can she stand by the affair and her affair partner made her happy but she has no feelings for him now and never did it was a mistake.

I think maybe she did like the emotional side of the affair. As she had fun he made her happy they talked. All the stuff she said I didn't do. She was attracted to him in a big way. If everything was there why did she decide to stay?

She says that she now sees that it was a mistake intact the biggest mistake of her life.

I think you'll find that using the word mistake is a trigger here. Being a mistake makes it seem like a minor opps which is seldom the case with affairs. It takes multiple calculated decisions to cross boundaries that no married person should before you get to the actual sex part.

Why would they have sex and then never ever mention it again. Why would they have sex, spend time together and not be intermit any any way again. How can she say that he meant nothing and he was a massive mistake but then she tells me at the time he made her happy and she missed him.

Anything is possible. Your wayward seems a better candidate for R than most. Still, it is incredibly rare that Waywards come fully clean in the immediate aftermath. Even those that have remorse and are totally serious about wanting to fix what they broke minimize to protect themselves and the marriage they want to save.
Typical suggestion is having the wayward provide you with a written timeline of the A and all the major incidents. First kiss, first contact, first meet up, first inappropriate conversation, first inappropriate touching, times they were together in person, days they were in contact. etc. Than test that timeline with a polygraph. If she is being totally honest, she should jump at this chance. Any reluctance would be a sign that maybe she's only being partial honest. Still not 100% but it gives you at least something to believe in. Don't be surprised if as the test date approaches the story changes.

@asc1226

I agree and affair is not a mistake. A mistake is getting milk instead of wine when out shopping or putting the wrong fuel in the car.

I get it that an affair is a number of choices and she decided that her affair meant more to her than I did. But she said that no matter what I think when the affair was on going she did love me and she did feel guilty, just not enough to end it.

She said honestly she had no plans on ending the affair but it wouldn't have gone on for ever. I think she would have left me but she says it never would have happened.

Her affair partner is everything I'm not and I feel so inadequate

@grubs

Thank you for getting in touch.

I completely agree.

She has told me the first kiss the first meeting the time they had sex etc. I keep going over and over it and and asking her the same questions.

Should I be letting go. She has told me things why aren't I accepting it.

She has been honest and said that he made her happy. Not the affair made her happy but he made her happy.

How do I know that she isn't just trying to make things work for the sake of our family.

I dont think she is because things have been hard over the past number of months and she could leave at any time but she chooses to stay. She could easily be with her AP as he is single, but she says he means nothing to her and if I was to leave she would stop me but if we were to split she would never end up with him as he really isn't what she wants.

I have seen him. He is a good looking guy and she would have loved the fact that she was with someone like him

Why wouldn't she want to be with him? Why would she want to put herself through this?

She says she understands that she meeds to give me the truth and I have all the truth now. Some times I think she is telling the truth but things dont add up

Am I just being paranoid because I dont want to get hurt

Her affair partner is everything I'm not and I feel so inadequate

NO HE IS NOT!!! He is someone who is willing to USE another human being for his selfish desires. That is DISGUSTING . There is a thread in the Just Found Out Forum called "Honey, they always affair down". It is written by a BW...but there is enough in there for you to see that the adultery co-conspirator in YOUR case can't hold a candle to YOU!!! He is WEAK...SELFISH...a USER...and a CHEATER with NO INTEGRITY OR HONOR. There is NOTHING redeemable about HIM!!!

Have you heard of the book "Not Just Friends"? This may be something that can help BOTH of you like it did for my H and I . My H actually told me that the adultery co-conspirator was JUST LIKE ME because she was soooooo NICE . He found out just how NOT nice she was the next morning . But his words about her are still seared in my brain . However...I came up with a solution to that . I have a post about it on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread !!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 3:07 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

Hi see exactly what you're saying

He is not better than me. I was loyal, loving and honest but he is good looking and fun everything that my wife wanted at the time. He would have give her the best time as she hasn't been with anyone else for over 20 years. I can imagine what that time was like and the images haunt me.

I feel stuck because I'm not allowing her answers to be accepted in my head.

I just dont see why she would want me. She had so much with her affair partner and thats some thing I cant give.

I cant make her feel like he did the sex wont be like what it was with him and I wont be the good looking guy on her arm that goes to the gym like he was

What you are describing is your WW acting out a fantasy. An escape. It was never real. She knew it was not reality. Everything your WW is describing fits this description. The price of her fantasy was your pain and hurt. What she is telling you can very well be true. She does love you. She does want to be married to you over her AP. The question is, no matter how remorseful she is over the pain she caused you by her choice to pursue a fantasy, is whether you can accept it.

Her affair partner is everything I'm not and I feel so inadequate

I feel for you and nine months is an early early stage after d-day.

She seems to have answered many of your questions and that is great! There very well may be some answers that contradict or don't make sense or even sound like new lies...to you, that is to be expected. You are heard and understood.

But I'm triggered with your last line....and I hope that you regain your sense of well being, your sense of self-esteem soon.

Usually an affair partner is nothing like you but a lot like the wayward spouse. The two of them share many characteristics, values, ethics, interests etc.etc.
Broken people. You are not the broken person. Your spouse and her affair partner were. I have read that if you want to get to know your spouses's affair person, look no further than your own spouse. They mirror one another's actions, words, behaviours. There is a lot of lying between them through omission of facts and they may even insist that they were truthful to one another. Bull shit (excuse me). Both are usually on their best behaviour. Both good at pretending to one another.

They were in a place where feeling good about the affair was most important. It was the anticipation of getting together, the anticipation of meals together and the anticipation of sex together. Whatever. This anticipation had nothing to do with your perceived inadequacies. It did not have anything to do with the sex act either...it was the anticipation, and the high it gave to both. Now they may call it "love" they may call it "passion" but it was nothing more than a high, from which usually there is a crash.

My husband also said that had I not found out, he would have continued the affair. The high is what he wanted. Not her. The feelings it gave him, not her feelings for him. This warped thinking goes even further...he would say I love you to her to maintain the affair relationship....to continue feeling good about himself, to keep her on the hook and she reciprocated same way. They both manipulated one another. Both experts at it.

@fareast

What you have said rings a bell.

My wife said that she knows it wasn't real. She says she knows it was wrong and she understands that it was all a fantasy.

She has said that when she was in the affair she felt guilty and she did think about me but she didn't stop it. She was living a second life and it was a fantasy. Away from washing the clothes and cooking the tea and even spending time as a a family.

I often try to hear her words in my head saying that she knows it was wrong and it wasnt real but when I try and think of her saying that all I hear is "but he made me happy"

How could she be happy. How can she look back on her affair as her being happy when she has made people so sad. Our family is in pieces and she holds on to he made her happy.

Even though she says she doesn't think back about the affair and if she does she hates it as it was all horrible and should never have happened.

Is she really seeing the affair for what it was or is she telling me what I need to hear

What did she say to you why she cheated? Did she blame you at all?

I agree with the advice that she immediately needs to do a timeline verified by a poly. If she refuses one of both then she is not R material right now. At this point she should be bending over backwards to prove she is safe and trustworthy.

@Notaboringwife

9 months seems like a life time. But I know its really isn't. But looking back to where we were and where we are now are miles apart.

She has answered many of the questions, time and time again. I thin she does feel my pain. I think she does understand. But I also feel she wants to heal and move on as quickly as possible. It doesn't work like that

My self-esteem is none existent. I feel worthless. I feel she choose him over me. She says she didn't she always loved me and would never leave. But whats more insulting. Knowing she would never leave and carry on cheating on me or the fact that she would cheat in the first place.

The AP wife left him a few years ago. She had an affair and took his kids and left him. He knows how it feels to have your world fall apart. He knows what its like to loose your family. And he knew my wife had kids and was married but he did it anyway. I know he owed me nothing but how can he put a family through what he had been through himself?

I agree that she had a good feeling about the affair. But was it just the affair or was it more about the AP. He made her laugh he made her feel good he made her happy she was in his bed less than 3 weeks after there first kiss. She says she only had sex with him once. I do believe this because of other reasons. But I asked was it about the sex and she said if it was about the sex she would have slept with him more but she didnt. He said he loved her. She now tells me she doesn't love him. What do I believe. Its like she is making the story fit by back tracking. I think she doesnt want to hurt me any more than she already has.

May be the crash has happened and she has now seen the mess she has caused and that she does want me. who knows

@Dude67

She takes full responsibility for the affair. She said it was all her fault. They are both to blame and none of it was my fault.

She said she felt like I didn't give her any time and I was distant. Which I agree looking back I was. I thought we had been together for so long it would never happen to me. But it did and I can see we need to work at a relationship no matter how old it is.

She said she wishes that she had spoken to me and give me a chance to put things right. Instead she made a mistake and had an affair.

She says its 100% her fault and she apologises for everything she has done and wish the whole thing hadn't have happened and she will do everything to put things right

all I hear is "but he made me happy"

The fantasy of him made her happy while she still had her life with you. The fantasy rarely survives on its own.

My self-esteem is none existent. I feel worthless. I feel she choose him over me. She says she didn't she always loved me and would never leave. But whats more insulting. Knowing she would never leave and carry on cheating on me or the fact that she would cheat in the first place.

Are you in IC? The self-esteem issues are really something you need to work on yourself. Just know that you are enough. The affair had nothing to do with your deficiencies but with hers. If she truly chose him, she would have left.

[This message edited by grubs at 5:43 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

If he made her happy,she had feelings for him. She may not have feelings for him now,but clearly she did during the affair.

I think you should trust your gut. Get the polygraph.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:37 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

There's no way forward until you accept that your WW's affair was about HER, not about you, not even about the OM. Cheaters cheat for their own reasons, to fulfill some internal void. It's natural to internalize. I think we all do that do some degree, at least at the beginning. But the more we make it about ourselves, the less healing we do.

p12241342,

Nobody seems to have picked up on this, and I may be wrong, but I think one reason you keep going in circles is because of all contradictions and mixed messages you are receiving.

For example, these two statements, that follow each other in one of your posts:

She takes full responsibility for the affair. She said it was all her fault. They are both to blame and none of it was my fault.

She said she felt like I didn't give her any time and I was distant.

It was all her fault, not your fault, but it happened because of your neglect. Which implicates you. That is followed by:

She said she wishes that she had spoken to me and give me a chance to put things right.

Essentially, she is still saying the problem was you. Is it any wonder you keep blaming yourself? She still has a very skewed perspective on the dynamic. The 'problem' was never just you. Your wife had just as much responsibility as you to maintain the health of the marriage, which includes saying something if she perceived a problem.

If she genuinely felt neglected, it was 100% on her to say something, but she neglected to do that. She compounded that relationship neglect by embarking on an affair, so before you accept too much of the responsibility she is trying to foist onto you, ask yourself how much commitment and energy she put into her half of maintaining the marriage? She could not be bothered to communicate, and then she cheated; but according to her, you were the one who had to "put things right".

The other issue that you need to consider is how much people rewrite history, and invent justifications for their actions after the fact. Did your wife really feel neglected before she chose to cheat, or did she only perceive neglect when she needed a justification for cheating, by which point she was not going to spoil her fun by mentioning the subject to you?

I agree with the people who say that you must not project your insecurities or self-worth issues onto your wife's reasons for doing what she did. You have far more worth than you realize, and if you were/are such a dud, why did she stay with you for so long, and why is she sticking with you now? Her AP is single, so why is she not riding into the sunset with him, if he really is Superman? The truth is, he is not Superman, she does not want a future with him, and she wants a future with you. If she did not want a future with you, this would have been the ideal time to suggest an amicable divorce, even if she had no plans for a life with her AP. She has not done that, because you are not a dud. Just because she treated you badly does not mean you deserved it; it means she made some bad, selfish decisions.

I think others here have explained very well how what gave your wife the affair 'high' was not her AP, but the way the fantasy adventure she created in her head made her feel about herself and her life. The AP was simply the provider of her drug of choice at the time, a required enabler/component of the walk on the wild side she created in her own head, not the reason for the 'high' in himself.

P122,

You wrote, Should I be letting go. She has told me things why aren't I accepting it.

Because you sense, I suspect, that she is only telling you what she knows you will accept. She is omitting and minimizing the details. Letting go?? Affairs take 2 to 5 years to recover from, this is not a sore throat it is a sore everything.

She had an affair and only had sex once? That's one of the oldest lines in the book.

As others have suggested have your WW write out a timeline in a large notebook, tell her to write in every detail, with no omissions. Also were there other affairs or inappropriate relationships while dating or at any other time in your marriage. Then do not waver but take her for a polygraph, schedule it and tell her you have done so.

Also the OM may be divorced, but it's likely he was a serial cheater on his W, which is why she fled with the children, OM often use a made up story about being cheated on to help them cheat. Speak with his ex if you can.

How did your WW meet the OM was he a trainer in the gym, or a salesman, etc some position where you can get him fired? Is he your kids coach in some sport?

If I were you I would expose him professionally and personally, facebook, linked in etc. There has to be consequences for the OM. If your WW gets mad at you for doing so then she still has feelings for him