SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I am so glad and grateful that I can reach out to people who understand what it is like to have the bottom fall out of your world when someone you love and trusted cheats on you.

This happened to me just over a week ago. I was with my partner for 3.5 years. He was like my best friend and partner rolled into one. I have never had such a close bond with any partner. Our relationship was really good, we laughed and had fun and the physical side of our relationship was always good. We never argued. He had commitment ‘wobbles’ on a couple of occasions but he would always come back to me and we would sort it out. Other than the wobbles he was a good partner, kind, gentle, supportive and romantic.

We always talked about our personal relationship issues and how our childhoods had affected our relationship styles, I felt he could be avoidant. But this bought us closer in a way and there was never any game playing. I really feel that we brought out the best in each other. I was and still am very in love with him.

Two months ago we decided to buy a house together and try for a baby, this was something he wanted. We had a long conversation and decided we were both ready. We viewed properties and picked a house together and put an offer in which was accepted. We spent all our time talking about our future and getting excited. Things were great between us.

Because things were so good it was a massive shock when last week he called me to say that he needed to talk to me. We met up abs he told me that he was having the same feelings again- wanting to run when things get serious which is his pattern in relationships. He told me that he feels that there is something ‘missing’ with me, that he doesn’t have the strong feelings like he did for his ex (they separated 5 years ago). At this point I just got a feeling and I asked him if he had met up with her- he admitted that he had. He said that he wanted to meet her so he could find out why she left him years ago, get closure so he could ‘give himself fully to me’. But he said that all the old feelings returned for both of them, that they had been messaging ever since and were going to ‘give things a go’.

I was unbelievably angry, as while they were messaging he was still taking me to view the house and also continued to try for a baby with me. The betrayal has cut me to the core. I still am in shock and cannot believe he was emotionally cheating on me (or more) while still being with me. I feel like my future has disappeared. I have had limited contact as I just couldn’t bear to read the messages he sent me about her ‘how he has never felt like this with anyone before’. I’m struggling to work, I can’t eat and I miss him so much. In his last message he said that he is truly sorry for hurting me, that he knows he has commitment issues and is going to stay with his family for a while (they live overseas) and will get therapy when he returns (I have suggested this for a long time).

I just feel like my best friend has stabbed me in the back and my confidence has been crushed. She is younger than me. My mind keeps going over and over what he was doing behind my back. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is reach out to him and try to sort this out but I am too vulnerable at the moment. I can’t bear to hear about her which is what I am most scared about- this is stopping me talking to him.

All I can think about was how good things were between us. It makes me so sad to think of them together and I have to force my mind not to go to that place. My emotions include feeling unattractive, foolish and a failure. I also feel really angry all the time.

Thank you so much for listening. It helps to get it out. I guess what I am asking is do I try to contact him? I really thought if someone cheated on me I would walk away with my head held high. Turns out it’s not like that at all- I still love him and that makes me angry with myself.

Thank you for listening. My thoughts are with all of you going through these tough times. Xx

Sorry for you are here.

he has commitment issues and is going to stay with his family for a while (they live overseas) and will get therapy when he returns

I did not understand whether you broke up or not. Is he together with his ex now, or do they plan to be together again?

Does his ex live near his family? Or could he lie about staying with his family and going to try again with his ex?

What does he mean by "return"? To you, or to his current life but without you?

I guess what I am asking is do I try to contact him?

No.

Don't show him that you are ready to take him back as his plan B. Take steps that show you can go on with your life without him.

If you get back together somehow, do not do things that require joint responsibility such as having a child or buying a new house for a long time.

Good luck.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:34 PM, Sunday, January 16th]

Thank you so very much for your reply. We have definitely broken up as I was so angry. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would never be prepared to be someone’s side salad, although I felt strong saying this it’s still very hard.

At this stage I don’t know if he is with his ex or not, my gut says no but who knows. I really hope not.

I do believe his is going to stay with this family overseas, and it’s not near her. Thankfully. They are from different countries.

I am truly grateful for your reply. I think also that I don’t want to be his plan B. I feel maybe I have always been this for him. I feel unless I truly pull away he will never see that.

Thank you for your kindness and wise words. I really appreciate it. Xx

Sorry you had to find SI. If you're having difficulty eating, you can try protein shakes to help. Read in The Healing Library through the link at the top of the page. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that have a lot of helpful info. Weekends can be a bit slow, but others will be along with help.

One of the hard parts is realizing the person who should have had your back isn't who you thought they were.

Hugs and I am truly sorry. Honestly, you should thank your lucky stars that before you could tie your life with him through financials and a baby, you have a chance to get out. Expect a call for him in six months when he would want to be with you. He is focused on what he is missing rather than what he has got so this cycle will continue with many girls before and after he commits. So good riddance. Mourn but get better with your picker, take care of yourself. Many of us are stuck due to kids and would love to have the early warning God blessed you with.
You can do this. Please don’t go back to him.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Your pain is completely understandable and yes, it will take time to heal.

It is definitely a grieving process that you must go through. All the various stages. And then comes the resolve to stop communicating with the cheater.

It only prolongs the pain. It can stall your healing.

Let’s say you can’t and he says "gee I’m sorry" but it doesn’t feel real. It feels hollow. That is upsetting and adds more pain to the situation. Or he says things to you and you determine he’s still lying. Then more pain and anger and frustration.

No contact with him is there to protect you. You may need to be in touch over division of household items or bills or rent etc. but as soon as you can stop interacting with him, the better.

He made his choices. Now it’s over. Let your healing begin.

My emotions include feeling unattractive, foolish and a failure. I also feel really angry all the time.

That is very normal. This will be a long adjustment, but thankfully much shorter than if you had made the home purchase and had children together.

This is a person that will NEVER be a comfortable partner FOR YOU, and most likely anyone else. He is not stable. Use your anger to overcome the other obnoxious emotions that we go through while separating ourselves from someone we are bonded with. You will miss the good things about him, fine, but he is still a bad partner.

Take good care of yourself, even when you don't feel like it. Definitely no contact. Is there any chance you are pregnant?

I just wanted to say a really big thank you to you all. Having your supportive messages and wise advice is really helping me during this truly horrible time. It feels so caring to have your messages, like someone really cares.

Having your messages come through today really helped me while I was at work, I started a new job this week so it’s been really hard as D day was only last week.

It’s so true that he is unstable- and your messages have helped me realise that. It’s like I am seeing a whole different side to him. It’s very shocking what he has done, especially as things were so good between us and special Christmas time. Although if I am honest I feel he suffered with depression and I often propped him up. I made so much effort in all areas of our relationship.

I haven’t contacted him. I am still uncertain at this stage if I could be pregnant. We were really trying and using ovulation kits. I am in my mid forties and it feels very sad as may have been my last chance to conceive.

Thank you all for your support. I don’t feel so alone with it all now. Xx

Summertime, I admire your strength through all this shit you’re dealing with. He doesn’t deserve you.

Please know you’re not alone…we understand what you’re going through and how you’re feeling, all too well.

I just read a couple of great books I highly recommend, no matter what your ultimate decision is.

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" (in audio if you can get it)
"Cheating in a Nutshell"

Both of these helped me to understand what I am currently going through.

Sending lots of hugs.

Oh gosh it must be so difficult for you to separate from him especially when you feel like this might be your last chance for a baby. But like others have said thank god you found out now before you got strapped to a house etc. it seems like he was a bit of a con man man ….selling you a dream and not really planning on going through with it. He likes the dream of the family but not the reality.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I would never be prepared to be someone’s side salad

Quite right, too.

That took some spunk to give him that, good for you!

He sold you lies....Believe the man, that he cannot change and has issues.

I think the most important thing we can do to help people on this site is to share with them that they are not the issue, that its the WW/WH that is the one that is broken. The conflict comes in the form of denial. Its not that we have not seen this situation before, in fact, quite the opposite.

Summer, its not you who is broken, it is him. You need to understand this. YOu also need to understand that it is not your job to fix him. It is not your job to change him. How many times have you heard that you cannot change someone, it is a losing proposition to be in a relationship with someone hoping they will change.

You got to see who he really is, after he already told you who he was. Please believe him.

You cannot change someone, you can only change and control yourself. Don't bring a baby into this world with uncertainty and don't tie yourself to someone who cannot commit to you. YOu deserve better and more

I’m sorry you’re going through this... I’ll keep it short... Stick to your guns... Even when you start feeling better and he comes back with promises... I know it’s hard... The not eating, not sleeping... I also ( we probs all do/did)... It will get better... I’ll leave it at that for now, but you can read through my thread (2+ years feels like yesterday) as a cautionary tale... And context to what I’m saying... I made all the wrong decisions... and still do to this day...

Again; sorry you’re going through this...

Hi @Summertime22 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. I do understand how shocked it must have been for you especially since he gave you all indication that he wanted a future with you and you believed him.
Please stay strong and remember despite what has happened, you are truly worthy of love that can be trusted.

Would you consider counseling to help you process what has happened and the best way forward. I found it quite beneficial when I was going through infidelity in my marriage. It helped me understand that my worth was not dependent on the wrong choices of my spouse and also that no one is beyond redemption. I think right now you need to focus on yourself and trust that if this relationship is meant to be then your partner will have to be the one to rebuild the broken trust and show his full sincere commitment to you.
In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time.

I pray that the near future will bring healing for your emotions, wisdom and strength for this phase of your life and the love that you deserve.
Sending you much hugs ))).

If you are pregnant you can choose to be the best parents.

Doesn’t mean you have to be his GF or wife.

You can work out schedules and plans etc. but you do not have to be romantically involved.

I just wanted to thank every single one of you for replying to my post. You have all been there for me in what has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life! Having your messages has helped me get through the days (especially when I am at work) when all I want to do is go home and curl up in bed.

You have all been so kind and caring and have given me so much good advice, I re read your posts to give me strength when I’m feeling down.

An update, I’m not pregnant- I told my ex partner. He keeps texting to apologise for everything and asking how I am doing but I am just so angry that I send angry messages back. I have such mixed feelings of anger but also missing him and still loving him. It’s a crazy feeling.

Thank you all again. X