SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a female coworker that calls me most mornings on her drive to work. The majority of the discussion is about work with some complaining sprinkled in. My BS commented this morning that this was another example of boundary issues. I realize that I was defensive stating that it was about work, I talk with her in front of him showing it's nothing inappropriate and just didn't see where a boundary was crossed. After discussing with him I see what he is saying. Had he not said anything I would have continued with the calls. I am sharing this as a way to continue to grow and move forward. We have had conversations like this dozens of times and I don't change anything. I truly want 2021 to be a year of promise and growth. I need to stop being so defensive. Even after he says I'm being defensive I argue I'm not. I hate that I cause my husband so much pain to learn simple things.

@ disgustedbyme

Can you please explain a little more about what exactly your husband was talking about when he was discussing your boundary issues, in regard to driving a co-worker to work? I'm confused.

I see you are female and you said it is a female co-worker, so unless there is a sexual interest there, I am assuming that's not the part he's worried about.

Is he worried that you are talking about him and/or your relationship during these drives? Can you give an example of what was said or done that was inappropriate? It would just help a lot to understand what is being asked here.

Regarding defensiveness, that is often something we must really work through. I suggest a good IC to start. You can however, start to just try and pay attention on your own. For me, whenever I get defensive, that's my "clue" that something else deeper is going on. It is almost never really about the current topic. For example, maybe you get upset that the dishes are piling up in the sink. Which is of course, on its own, aggravating. But if you feel your response to that is "over the top", then dig. Maybe the "real" problem is that you feel disrespected by having to be the one to do the dishes all the time? Maybe making you do the dishes is how your Mom punished you as a kid and you are triggering? Maybe dishes are a "symbol" of servitude to you? My point is, there is something deeper in what your defense is coming from, and figuring that out is step 1.

I don’t see the issue if it’s about work, nothing inappropriate in content, and not hidden....but of course it’s not MY opinion that matters.

BS here, no Stop Sign.

It could be considered crossing the work/home boundary. Why isn't your coworker calling you when you're both at work? She's stepping into your home life. Many people have problems with this one.

I was not at all clear in my original post and left some key points out. I had discussed divorcing my husband to some coworkers (I'm not at that job anymore and don't have contact with them) during my affair, I was on the app KIK and sexting with both men and women and I've shared with my husband that I am attracted to women as well. Because of my actions he is uncomfortable with my current coworker calling me before work and brought his concern to my attention. He wasn't angry about it, he questioned my boundaries. I am grateful that he questioned me. I am very good at compartmentalizing and didn't give her calling me any thought. I completely understand his concern. Regarding my defensiveness, I believe it's related to my childhood abuse. I felt responsible for what was happening to me when I was a child. As I grew up I learned to cope by being defensive. I get where it came from and why I do it. I need to be better about not reacting this way. I try to breathe and think before I respond but that pattern of defensiveness is so deep. And leafields - you are right. I have not been good at the work/life balance. My husband and family historically have come after my job. I have felt this need to be available and responsive to work. I now see that I need to give all of that time and attention to my family too.

[This message edited by disgustedbyme at 5:59 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

BS here, with a dday about a year after yours....

I am very good at compartmentalizing and didn't give her calling me any thought

as a BS, this sounds like an important thing to explore.

Not trying to swing any 2x4s here, but (yeah, I know "but" ), the idea that our spouses are "very good at compartmentalizing" and did something potentially triggering/hurtful without giving it "ANY thought" puts my lizard brain on HIGH effing alert... "danger Will Robbins" is floating in my brain. Isn't a big part of the WS "work" figuring out how to be mindful of all the harms they did without "giving any thought"?

My unsolicited suggestion is to figure out how to become more proactive at (a) not compartmentalizing to this extent, and (b) stop avoiding "giving thought" to actions that would hurt your BS, and (c) really and DEEPLY exploring why the sentence quoted above is OK with you, along with:

We have had conversations like this dozens of times and I don't change anything.

If you don't want to change, at what point (4 years after dday) do you accept and acknowledge that you don't want to change?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:29 PM, February 1st, 2021 (Monday)]

Thanks for responding gmc94. I am changing and want to continue on this path. I didn't tell anyone about my abuse as a child for over 30 years. There's a lot to unpack there. I'm not giving myself an excuse, I'm only explaining where I am. Your advice is for me to become more proactive at not compartmentalizing and giving more thought about actions that might hurt my husband. Posting here is an action I am taking to make these very necessary changes. I am trying to slow down and think through interactions. My goal is to be mindful and to have an understanding of the pain and destruction I have caused my husband. I know that I continue to hurt him and want for that to stop.

I'm curious about what you've taken from this.

What boundary do you think is in question?

What motivates you to talk with this woman?

What do you get out of talking with this woman?

What boundaries do you want to establish?

What I've taken from this is to be more mindful in my day to day experiences. I am superficial in many ways. For me the boundary in question here is one of a work/life balance. Talking to this coworker at 6 in the morning isn't necessary. We are not talking about anything inappropriate, but it's invading my time with my husband. What motivates me to talk with her is a weird sense of obligation. I feel like I have to. When I really sit and think deeper I talk with her to feel accepted and included. The boundary that I am establishing is to limit my communication with her and to talk when necessary for work. She texted and called me this morning and I texted her back that I was not able to talk as I was having breakfast with my husband. She texted back a bunch of smiling emojis and told me to enjoy. This is a very trivial example of growth but it's definitely a step closer to being where I need and want to be.

FWIW, the boundary you describe does not sound trivial - it’s important and it sounds like you’ve put some thought into it

And

What motivates me to talk with her is a weird sense of obligation. I feel like I have to. When I really sit and think deeper I talk with her to feel accepted and included.

What you describe reminds me a lot of what Brene Brown calls “hustling for your worth”

I could be off the mark, but you may get something by reading / refreshing her take on this. It seems to me we all need some form of external validation (after all, we ARE wired for connection... we would not have survived w/o it, w/o our tribes), but I think after an A, the line between healthy vs hustling has been obliterated by the WS and that is triggery AF for the BS.

I view the boundaries as a healthy step to begin to re-draw that line / address the symptom. And delving into the underlying basis for the hustling the long term work to root out the cause.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:31 PM, February 3rd, 2021 (Wednesday)]

Thanks for answering my questions. I think you got to the nitty-gritty.

I think it's great that you didn't 'talk' this AM.

I think it's great that you got to at least some of your motivations (maybe even all of them).

Something I'm musing on: I know one of the things I liked about W2b was that she had boundaries. Maybe we're all likable in part because we set boundaries. Maybe friendships and love relationships are based on people setting compatible limits....

Thanks for the responses. I have read Brene Brown and see what you're saying gmc94. I think it's a good time to reread her books. And thanks for your reframing how to look at boundaries Sisoon - I like how you put it.