SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(Update on page 4!)
Hey everyone. I haven’t been around much, honestly popping in when I need some advice.

(Update on Page 3!)

G5 and I have been together for over four years now. I really love him, and additionally I really like him. We have a lot of fun together, like to do a lot of the same things, etc. We probably have the 80/20 thing going on - you know 80% is really great and 20% is not as great. I’ve always felt that ratio was kind of normal.

Anyway -

Lately the 20% is becoming problematic. I think because our relationship is changing a bit in that we are talking about living together, retiring together, what that looks like, etc.

Some of the things that are bothering me may be deal breakers, and this makes me so, so sad because I really do love him and we are a good fit in many ways.

I need some feedback on whether or not I’m being ridiculous, unrealistic with my expectations, etc.

Examples:

Kids: I have three and he has two, all adults. I have never met one of his children as he hasn’t talked to this child in 2+ years after a pretty nasty incident where said child stormed out, did property damage, etc. From his POV, ball is in child’s court to apologize and make amends. I can’t disagree. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that this child reached out to him several months ago in advance of a big moment in this child’s life, and he ignored. That really bothers me. 1. He didn’t even tell me about it 2. He ignored an attempt to communicate.

I have also never met his parents - doesn’t talk to them as the idolize his younger sister, who by his report is a failure to launch, but never have any praise for him on any level. They do sound somewhat toxic from what I’ve heard from him and his child I have met.

My ex: not my favorite person by any stretch, but I can be in the same room and be civil and polite to him. I feel like I’ve reached indifference or mostly. Feel like I could be ok being at a special event (aka first grandchild, etc) at one of our kid’s homes and navigate that fine. Will never share a family holiday with him or talk to him outside of that type of thing. G5 has a zero tolerance policy, has never met him, made a mini-fuss about him and an interaction I had with him at my daughters wedding, states he will never go to a birthday party, etc of ex will be there.

G5 doesn’t like my son, has verbalized this, but says he’s trying to look past some of the things that upset him - ie son not helping him pick up the leaves in my yard. Som says he was doing his homework for online class, G5 insists he’s lying and just didn’t want to help. He gets along with my girls ok. Interestingly, his favorite is my most emotionally immature.

G5 states he hates drama. All of the above seems like drama to me for everyone else but G5 who just cuts everyone off at the quick. He has stated that he forgives hut can’t forget, and anytime we’ve had a disagreement he brings up things from the past, which I’ve asked him not to do, but he says he’s just wired like that.

A couple weekends ago he helped me with a project assembling something at my house. I thought it went relatively smooth all things considered. He said I was snapping at him. The day before this he went around town with me running errands. He was looking kind of downtrodden and when I asked what was wrong he said he felt like I didn’t want him around, I was snippy with him, and asked if I had him there to be my “whipping boy”. I was seriously floored by all of that. It was a normal day of errands, and yeah, I was annoyed when I misread the directions and it caused me to have to do some extra work, but I never raised my voice or yelled or had a fit. I have no idea what he’s talking about and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles because something I say might come across wrong.

On that note, I have a ton of anxiety anytime I bring up doing anything with the kids. This holiday actually went better than previous years, but I feel like it was a monumental effort for him in some ways. I think if he never saw my kids again he’d be ok with that. He likes me parents.

I should note G5 is very introverted, more than I am, and maybe that’s part of the struggle.

Today’s issue that came up was that I was being argumentative with him. No matter what he said I said the opposite. I had a “are you fucking kidding me?” Moment, as this is his basic life of communication with me. Whatever I say, he brings up the opposing point of view or an alternate point of view. I mentioned this and he said,”Well that’s a really easy one to say to the other person you did that to me too.”. My point was that it is his general way of communicating and making conversation.

When we do talk about retirement, he always talks about one person owning the house “so that if anything happens” there are no issues. It makes me feel like he’s got one foot out the door just in case. He has often said he’s not going to tolerate drama. Well, when is some issue I want to discuss going to be considered drama and he’s just going to leave out? And why is the drama he creates ok?

Idk. I could list off a long list of things here that are also really great about him, as well. Truly. We are doing the long distance thing so only see each other one night a week and I don’t know if that’s the issue. The pandemic has been hard. I’m a nurse and things have been stressful at work. He mentioned today about me being stressed and not as much fun (not his exact words) lately. Honestly, we just had ten days off together that were pretty nice, I thought. We saw both sets of kids for Christmas, socially distanced of course, and I was sad to see him go.

There’s just this underlying current of unease.

Please give me some feedback here. Thank you!

[This message edited by nekorb at 2:46 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

He doesn’t like your kids.

He doesn’t like your XH or the fact you are polite

He has strained relationships w/ his family including his kid(s)

He is arbitrary

He wants the retirement home in one name ???

You think you had a great time recently and he did not agree

Re-read my list. Doesn’t sound like 80% is good to me.

I would be completely uneasy with those dynamics and would have no room or patience for someone who didn’t like my kids. I don’t know my kids are always going to be more important than the person I am with. There is no compromising there for me. Plus him constantly setting up these arguments and then turning it back around on you and you having to walk on eggshells sounds exhausting to me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:12 PM, January 10th (Sunday)]

Hi nekorb! Good to "see" you again!

Me looking in from the outside, it sounds like he holds on to grudges and covers it by saying he doesn't like drama. Unless he is the one creating it because, well, grudges. It doesn't seem to be in his character to let go of things (grudges), no matter how small. That doesn't mean he needs to forgive and forget, but there is a difference between simply letting go of things and holding those grudges, which is not emotionally healthy.

I could be wrong, but those grudges underlie many of his negative responses and actions (or lack thereof). He will never let water be under the bridge for what he perceives to be wrong-doing, and it will continue to fester and come out in defensive or passive-aggressive comments.

Obviously, only you can decide what you can live with, but it doesn't look like this will change as it is who he is. You have been dealing with this in your "long distance" relationship and it is coming to the surface as an issue. Can you picture dealing with this on a daily basis if you lived together? Something to think about.

Also, being an introvert has nothing to do with it. I'm a huge introvert, but I don't harbor those kind of grudges. I don't forget transgressions, but I don't hold onto negativity. Life is too short to be that miserable!

You're gut is talking to you. Listen to it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, January 10th (Sunday)]

Thanks 1stwife and crazy. Good to see you too, Phoenix!!

Yeah, I’m seeing some definite emotionally unhealthy stuff going on here. I think some of what is happening is old patterns from his marriage that don’t/shouldn’t apply here, as I am not his ex and do not treat him the way she did. But STILL.

The issue with the kids is an issue. The grudge thing - I’ve been defining as this attitude of unforgiveness. I was hoping to see this improve over time and it has in some ways.

When I say there is a long list of really good things about him, I’m serious, and I would miss all of these good things about him, which is why I’m feeling so sad about this.

I want to have a face to conversation with him about these things, clear up any miscommunications/misperceptions on both sides, etc. I’m afraid what will happen is I will get “cut off” just like everyone else he has conflict with. I’m not angry with him, I love him, I like him, but there are some things that need to change if this is going to work. Perhaps some things on my side as well, and he would have to tell me what those things are.

Phoenix you mentioned the water under the bridge thing. He says the reason he won’t be around my ex/meet him etc is that ex did terrible things to me and he has no interest or tolerance for being around him. Then he will throw in that I’ve called him he ex’s name twice (no idea where that came from either, just came out unconsciously, which adds a layer of anxiety to things for me). I said that yes ex did terrible things TO ME, and therefore I should be the one to set the tone of the relationship.

Idk. I wonder if some of it is me not knowing the difference between being enmeshed with an NPD and having healthy boundaries within a relationship. I feel like I maybe went from one extreme to the other.

I don’t think you are doing anything but asking for opinions on a relationship. Sounds completely “normal” to me.

Everyone has positives about themselves. Unfortunately we also have negatives. It’s your role to figure out what you can and cannot live with. What is a deal breaker. What is a “hell no” situation.

It’s good to evaluate things. You raise some things you see that are red flags. Deal breaker? Possibly. But it’s up to you.

G5 doesn’t like my son

Sorry but that would DO it for me right there. My child, even though she is an adult - comes FIRST. We went through too much together and I wouldn't be happy around someone who 'dislikes her'

Next!

You need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart. It sounds like he could benefit from therapy. If he cannot accept your children, is not willing to undergo therapy for his issues, or (worse) doesn't think he has a problem, you have nothing to work with. However, if he communicates to you that he can accept ALL of your children and is willing to work on his issues, that's a great start. Even if your son really was just being lazy, it's time for him to act like the adult. Did he ever talk to your son about his behavior?

Hey StillLivin’! Good to see you.

We do need to have a heart to heart. I thought I had done that several months ago regarding the kids. As I said in my original post the holidays were better this year. He even got gifts for my kids of his own accord, and my kids got him gifts as well.

I wonder if the “issue” with my son is his similarity to my ex. He has also mentioned that when his own kids do cuz he isn’t overly excited to be either either, but it doesn’t mean never. Idk.

I just got off the phone with G5, actually. He said, “Honey, we argued a little bit, but that’s all. I’m fine (aka not angry), are you fine? Is there something we need to talk about?”. We had a normal conversation, everything was normal, etc. No way I was having the heart to heart over the phone and when it’s going to be five days before I see him again.

I do feel like his FOO damaged him pretty good in the area of trust/abandonment.

When I’m with him, everything is good. When we aren’t together these issues swirl around in my head, I start doubting things.

I’m really confused about how I’m feeling.

I’m really confused about how I’m feeling.

That’s ok. It’s a watch and see situation sometimes.

I like your approach to get together to discuss things with him. Things can improve if you are both willing to work on them.

But his dislike/issues of his family and your kids is something that would always be in the back of my mind.

You really like him. You enjoy being with him. So it's a given that you care and would like to keep the relationship.

He has behaved badly a few times but he did try to bring it up and asked if things were OK with the two of you. That seems to indicate that he cares and wants to keep the relationship.

So, I think it sounds like it's worth giving it a whirl to save the relationship and that he might not be a hopeless cause. It sounds like maybe he's not happy with the way he is and that the negativity he holds is weighing on him. Maybe talk to him about getting counseling so he can repair his relationships with his son and parents. He might act like he doesn't care but I'm guessing that he does care but doesn't know how to fix it. You could lead into it with "I'm so sad you felt bad after our last disagreement but so glad you brought it up and wanted to make sure everything is OK with us. I love you and I'll do whatever we need to do to make sure we keep everything OK between us. Do you suppose you get negative sometimes because you feel bad about your son and your parents? Maybe we could go to counseling and figure out how to help you feel better about it and for me to figure out how I can tone down the times I'm not as appreciative as I might be."

Not those words, obviously, but sort of along those lines. Be vulnerable, be sympathetic, be soft for him and be strong for him, fix him but make him think he's doing the fixing. IOW, be a typical woman. :)

<sorry, fellas - don't mean to be sexist and I DO understand this doesn't apply to every man or every woman. But such an approach would have worked with my EX and sounds like it might work with Nekorb's bf.>

[This message edited by josiep at 11:16 AM, January 11th (Monday)]

Som says he was doing his homework for online class, G5 insists he’s lying and just didn’t want to help

This would make me angry. He is accusing your son of lying. Why? What proof did he have?

In reading through everything, I see a lot of red flags. You see them as well, which is why you are posting here.

but he did try to bring it up and asked if things were OK with the two of you. That seems to indicate that he cares and wants to keep the relationship.

That is good, but what do you think would have happened if you hade been honest with him at that point? I get the feeling it would have involved a lot of blame-shifting. My WH really likes to get super fired up and yelling about stuff, then turn around and say he wasn't angry and wasn't yelling (that whole "no drama" thing ,) it was all me. I'm getting that vibe from your post.

I have never met one of his children as he hasn’t talked to this child in 2+ years after a pretty nasty incident where said child stormed out, did property damage, etc. From his POV, ball is in child’s court to apologize and make amends. I can’t disagree. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that this child reached out to him several months ago in advance of a big moment in this child’s life, and he ignored. That really bothers me. 1. He didn’t even tell me about it 2. He ignored an attempt to communicate.

This, to me, is bothersome. He cannot accept an olive branch of sorts? Or does it have to be an olive branch built to his exact specifications and offered only in his preferred scenario? Did he offer any reasoning as to why he ignored the child's attempt to reach out?

I have also never met his parents - doesn’t talk to them as the idolize his younger sister, who by his report is a failure to launch, but never have any praise for him on any level. They do sound somewhat toxic from what I’ve heard from him and his child I have met

Fractured family relationships are a big red flag. I'm not saying everyone needs to always be one big happy family with no disagreements, but to have not met his parents (I assume they live close by) is troubling to me. My parents weren't perfect by any stretch, but they have met my current SO of 10.5 years on a number of occasions and we live more than 1000 miles away.

G5 has a zero tolerance policy, has never met him, made a mini-fuss about him and an interaction I had with him at my daughters wedding, states he will never go to a birthday party, etc of ex will be there.

This seems quite extreme. Do you know why he feels this way? Does he not realize that weddings, grandkids and other milestones might require some contact and that civility and good manners do not mean a rekindling of any sort of relationship? This seems rather immature.

G5 doesn’t like my son, has verbalized this, but says he’s trying to look past some of the things that upset him

Again, we don't need to be always one big happy family, but we do need to get along. Do both of them try to get along? What is driving this?

When we do talk about retirement, he always talks about one person owning the house “so that if anything happens” there are no issues

There are a lot of potential problems with this from a lot of different financial and legal perspectives. You can purchase a home as a couple with right of survivorship, and you could structure things legally so that both partners who invest in the home both financially and operationally are compensated for that. The trick is to do it upfront.

Basically, Nekorb, this man sounds very immature and the fractured family relationships to me spell a big red flag. Unless he is willing to become more of an adult with regards to relationships (i.e. counseling both IC and CC), I wouldn't think about cohabitation at this point. I get it that you love him and that most of the time he's fun. But it's when the difficult times come that we need our partners to be there for us, to be adults, to push past personal discomfort.

Just my rambling thoughts.

Cat

He has often said he’s not going to tolerate drama

.

I have given this statement a lot of thought since SO many men have this in their dating profiles. I also hate drama, but I would never think to make it as a general statement because it makes no sense. It's just off to me and sounds like something that would come from a person lacking wisdom and love in their heart. The way yours behaves is exactly how I picture a person that makes this statement behaving. I know what you are saying though about the 80%, and it is difficult to find compatible people! I don't doubt he is great to be with or you wouldn't have been together so long.

The two main issues are: He doesn't like your son AND accuses him of lying when he has no proof. AND, as adults, I have to say I only respect those that keep an open door to the children in their lives. If the adult children have been over the top, sure, back off, but leave the door open and remind them periodically, unless it is unsafe for some reason. For him to not only say the ball is in his sons court but to not respond to him reaching out, personally I would be affected exactly the way you are being. You know he isn't built of the character you would prefer, yet all the other pieces are there. Such a tough position to be in. Hopefully these responses will help clarify what you are already clearly seeing. It is a trade off. And clearly if a major issue ever arises, you have a blueprint from watching him with his son how he will respond to you.

One more thing, did you ever ask why his son was so upset he freaked out and cut him off, and get a clear, detailed, believable answer that really makes sense?

Good luck with your decision. You will be fine on your own if that's the way you go.

I've found that when a person says they "don't do drama" it usually means "I can say and do and complain about anything I damn well please but I won't tolerate anything negative from anyone else." This guy sounds like a gigantic baby. I'd probably end this. You know you can't really talk to him about anything that's bothering you. People like that are not good candidates for a deep and meaningful long-term relationship.

G5 doesn’t like my son,

That would not work for me. You are a package deal, and if he can't accept that then it's up to you to decide if you want to live out the rest of your life on pins and needles. You deserve better than that.

Hi nekorb! Good to "see" another survivor and thriver here! That being said...

Some of the things that are bothering me may be deal breakers, and this makes me so, so sad because I really do love him and we are a good fit in many ways.

Is this good enough for you? Sounds like after 4 years you don't know what life without him looks like which is fine but maybe take some time to figure this out. Only you know what is good enough for you. I am currently pondering this myself. Things with my SO are going...fine, but I also wonder if I could be much happier either by myself or with someone else. Hope you figure out what's best for YOU sooner than later!

Hi nekorb, this is too many red flags for me. Maybe 'don't know how I'm feeling' really translates into trying to justify why you are still with him.

Don't fall into the sunk costs fallacy.

((((nekorb))))

Make sure before your heart to heart you go prepared. Make notes of the things you want to discuss. Don't leave anything open ended. I would definitely ask what proof he felt he had when he accused your son of lying. And ask him about his son and why he felt his son wasn't making enough effort. Because you state that he is an 70, I don't recommend just walking away, but those are big enough flags to be addressed. And if his answers show you he's really not that 80 you first though, be prepared to end the relationship if need be.