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Newest Member: Hurtandbeyond

I Can Relate :
Dealing with OC

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P0ppy ( new member #82913) posted at 6:50 AM on Monday, October 9th, 2023

Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread but just in case. We now have confirmation that the OC is my husbands and in IC today I was talking about this.

I don't want to put my husband in a position where he chooses between our M and the OC but I don't want to tolerate the AP in my life. For those who have the OC in your partners or families life how do you navigate the contact with the AP?

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8811025
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Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 5:00 PM on Monday, October 9th, 2023

Oh Poppy.

I’m so sorry to hear your news. I was hoping the OC wasn’t your husband’s. When did you get confirmation? What is your husband planning to do - how could he help you? Do you think the OW is still a threat? Do you have any indication how much the OW would be involved with your husband? How much of a part of the child’s life does he want to be?

Again, this is devastating news for you. It’s amazing how much hurt cheating causes.

Sending good thoughts and hugs.

posts: 132   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8811044
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P0ppy ( new member #82913) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

We just found out last week.

The OW I don't feel is a threat but I don't trust her. She has never respected NC and she has history or chasing and bei g very persistent. She is also incredibly unpredictable and overly dramatic. So I have no desire to have her in my life.

My WH doesn't know what to do, he is sorting out the financial side with NC still while he figures out what he wants. He loves being a Dad and is very present with our son, he hates that it's impossible for him to be the Dad he wants to be now there is a child that exista that he didn't want. So I imagine he will want to spend time with her. She is only 6 months old so I assume it would mean the OW would be there.

My therapist asked if I thought I could tolerate the OW being in my life. My response was I can but I don't want to and I can't see how that would change. But by not giving him a terrible ultimatum and making him choose essentially I have to.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8811228
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Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

Poppy,

Your previous description of the OW sounds like she’s something of a loose canon. Since the OC is so young right now would it be possible for your husband not to interact with the child until she is a bit older? That’s if he wants to be part of her life. Perhaps you could have someone else intervene to pick up the child to do exchanges so that you would have minimal contact with the OW once the child is older? I know you have a child of your own right now that you need to think of so it’s not as easy as walking away from the situation. Would it be possible to get a post nuptial agreement stating that you will try for a while and if it doesn’t work out, you would get extra child support for your little one? I mention that because I’ve read that whoever requests child support first gets the most. You would have to, of course, check with your lawyer on all of these requirements.

I’m so sorry your husband has put you in such an awful position. You and your child and the other child are all innocents in this.

posts: 132   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8811237
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P0ppy ( new member #82913) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, October 16th, 2023

Thanks Beachgirl these are really helpful thoughts. A post nup is a great idea.

I really appreciate your comments!

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8811869
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:14 PM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2023

You need to see a lawyer to protect yourself.

You need a Will and it needs to be executed immediately. See if your H dies w/out a Will the OC is an heir (pursuant to state law).

That means the estate is divided between the children and spouse (as an example).

Also Your child would only receive 1/2 of social security benefits (the law) upon the death of your H b/c the OC gets the other half. This has nothing to do with a Will but just pointing it out.

So already the OC is legally entitled to assets. You now need to protect yourself. You can put wording in the Will to protect yourself by only giving a certain % distribution to the OC to avoid a court battle. Leaving a small amount of something coukd protect you.

Also look into a trust to protect assets for your child.

I am sorry you are in this position. I hope you sort this out and I do feel bad for you and your family and the new baby. All innocent people in this nightmare.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13868   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8811952
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