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I Can Relate :
Dealing with OC

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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Received notification in the mail about the OW beginning the process for CS! To say it was devastating and triggering is an understatement. Now this hangs in the air. Looking into it, it appears that if he is the father, we will be out between $800-$1200 a month! We live well, but not that well! That amount is going to have a devastating affect on our standard of living. It really sucks that his mistake is now going to force me and our kids to pay! And honestly, it doesn't matter what I choose at this point, my life/future is forever altered! This is not where I expected to be at this stage of my life!

I've been a stay at home mom for most of our M but that means NOTHING to our society! I'm fucked either way! If I leave, I lose his financial support and end up in a trailer park somewhere, needing to get a shit job just to meet basic necessities! We aren't rich, or that well off. We're still living paycheck to paycheck. If I stay, I still lose financial support to the point that I still need to get a shit job to be able to pay for our current bills!

Ugh!!

When am I ever going to stop having to pay for HIS poor choices????? I know it's awful, but I wish OW and OC would just DISAPPEAR! It's fucking hard enough to learn to live with and heal from being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to have your back, a completely other thing to have it shoved in your face for the rest of your life! There are sinkholes in her state, why won't one open up and swallow her up!

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8723799
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

My heart goes out to you. I really do not know what I would choose. I think I would have to be spiteful and get my own checking account if I had to get a job so that the money I earned I knew didn’t go directly to that other woman. Lol. It’s great that you have been able to stay home; most of us have not been that lucky. Terrible that that has to come to an end in this fashion. Life is totally not fair.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8726779
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, April 14th, 2022

Honestly HDENUFF75, I've even thought about getting a D first just so that the pool of $ she has to fish from is considerably diminished with spousal support and CS already taken out! But it's just a passing thought. If I was really vindictive I would go for full custody and take her child away from her! She'd get the OC for summer only. If we really wanted to, we could get it done, but the idea of having the OC in my life day after day reminding me over and over again would kill me. Plus, it's not right to use a child that way. Even though I am 99.9% sure OW did just that in getting pregnant on purpose!

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8729795
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 9:44 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

FOURNLAU in my case getting full custody would be the best thing for the child. His mother is a drug addict, doesn’t even raise the child. I have thought about getting custody of the child too but I’m close to 50 and my last two children will be gone in a couple years, and I’m looking forward to an easier life, doing what I want which is not raising that child. I’m sorry it turned out like that for that child but he also isn’t my responsibility.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8730256
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:56 AM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Maybe your H needs a second job to afford the CS he will be required to pay.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13966   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8730309
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 3:49 AM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

HDENUFF75

I have thought about getting custody of the child too but I’m close to 50 and my last two children will be gone in a couple years, and I’m looking forward to an easier life, doing what I want which is not raising that child.

I am 50 now and I totally get it! My youngest will graduate next year and the thought of raising a toddler is horrifying! I am also looking forward to an empty nest. The good thing is, WH completely understands that I will never be OK with that child in my life! He has not asked that of me. Of course, he knows that I would say no. I also believe that the child would be better off with us, but not my responsibility! The OW knew my WH would not help her in any way. She already had two other children with two other father's who also are not in the children's lives. I am pretty sure she got pregnant on purpose believing he would choose her over his family.

The1stWife

Maybe your H needs a second job to afford the CS he will be required to pay.

He has said that he would pick up OT at work to pay for the CS. That he does not believe I should have to get a job to shore up our finances because of what he did. We'll see if that's what happens.

We haven't heard anything else and WH has yet to schedule a consultation with a lawyer to ask about the process and what we might be in store for. Also, to see what our options might be. I hate having this anvil above our heads just waiting for it to drop on our heads! The stress is unbelievable.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8730863
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 1:22 AM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Update. Found out husband was going to see affair child during a time when he said he was at his mother’s house. Caught him there. Had a big argument about his lying. He is now honest with his visits which amount to 2hrs a week but I noticed recently a weird thing has happened within myself. I am completely apathetic towards my husband. I don’t think I have loved him for a long time but now there really isn’t any kind of feeling at all. I was mentioning to him months ago that we do not spend any quality time together, now I don’t care if we do. I used to be kind of lonely, now I’m not because now I don’t care. I used to really have some walls up around my heart. Now they are down because again I don’t care. I’m really not even angry with him. I think I have mostly forgave him. This apathy thing is really foreign to me. I’m not apathetic to anything or anyone else. It’s just weird to look at someone you have spent 26 years with and not feel a thing.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8744461
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 9:52 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

HDENUFF75

I'm so sorry that happened! I can't even imagine how unbelievably painful that must have been! That is a boundary for me. And like I've said, I can't keep him from seeing the OC if it is indeed his, but it will be without me at his side or in this M. I completely understand feeling apathy at this stage. It's like you just shut down because it's too painful to bear! I hope you are taking care of yourself.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8756436
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NicoUnderword ( new member #81134) posted at 1:43 AM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

The OC is 11 months, I don't feel comfortable with my husband having meetings with the OW to see his baby(my sister-in-law is always there too, she is a great supporter) so I was wondering, how old was the OC when he/she started to spending time at your home?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Arizona
id 8759151
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I am hesitant to post this but I need to talk to someone who just gets it.

So wh second OW used the "I think I'm pregnant" line to try to get him to continue with her. I intervened, used his email to contact her,as him and demanded to know for sure. She believed she was talking to wh and admitted she wasn't pregnant.

Fast forward to this newest AP.

Wh told me she quit. That was about 2 months ago.

Then while discussing staffing and people placement/jobs, the supervisor mentioned that when AP returns from medical leave she can replace so and so.

Wh then began to worry she is pregnant. He was snappy and upset and that's when he opened communication with her again via text....the same texts that dd saw but didnt read. THANK GOD!

I confronted about the texts and that he needs to keep his affair shit out of the house so the kids don't see it.

He finally admitted that he was just trying to find out if she was pregnant. So I told him to call her, put it on speaker so we could both hear her answer. First call went to VM and he left a message for her to call him. Later that night she did call and told him that she had to have her appendix out. She also asked him "don't you think I'd tell you if I was pregnant?" He replied he wasn't sure she would.

So that seemed to be the end of it.

Then this past weekend wh went to say something to me, then stopped. I asked what he was going to say and he said he couldn't talk to me about it. I said try me.

Mistake!

He breaks down saying he thinks AP is lying to him and she is pregnant and how could he not love a child that's his but at the same time he knows I will file for D right away.

He's upset that I won't accept a child, that it's innocent.

Ya ya I know the kid is innocent but I don't care! 14 years of him screwing around and he never once considered having an accident?!? And no I don't have to accept his affair child.

Suddenly he's worried about being a GOOD FATHER to an affair child but he's been a shitty father to our four children. And there NO way he can deny that. I pointed out every way he's been a horrible father to them. He's never been present either physically or mentally for any of their medical issues. He's never been interested in what's going on with them, he belittled them at times, gives them a hard time for crying, makes jokes at the worst possible times. He is his father. Present but not.

Now while it may be thst he's telling the truth I habe a nagging feeling him and ap concocted the whole phone call to put me at ease so I won't file NOW. It's a public forum and he has access so no I won't give details about my plans...let's just say what is meant to happen WILL happen. The problem is that I keep hearing this file for child support first before she does here but when I spoke to a laywer last they said it didn't work that way. I'll be confirming all of that this week.

I hate that they could be working together against me. I hoped I had time to get other things settled but now I feel rushed and stressed.

If she did in fact have surgery without complications she should be back to work soon.

This shit is maddening!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25795   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8764151
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cookiezandcream ( new member #75902) posted at 3:04 PM on Monday, January 2nd, 2023

Hi ladies. I’m back here again because the new year is when the OC was conceived and it’s almost the anniversary of learning my life was forever beyond repair.

I too remember receiving the child support order in the mail, and how it triggered and devastated me all over again. And of course ever since our finances have been in the red because of it. Even though I returned to work far earlier after having our youngest than I otherwise would have to try to lessen the financial loss.

The latest new annoying part is that his AP is married now - but won’t let my husband sign away his parental rights and responsibilities even though her new husband would adopt. And why would she? She gets free money every month for years.

This will one day drive me into an institution, I am sure of it. This whole experience has completely changed me. I’ve admittedly never been a cheerful person but this has turned me into a shadow.

Oh, and has anyone else told their families about this? My husband’s parents know because they gave us some financial help, but my side has no idea and it’s been a few years now. I don’t know how I would even broach the subject at this point.

[This message edited by cookiezandcream at 3:12 PM, Monday, January 2nd]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8771767
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, January 26th, 2023

While I am not experienced this with my WH and his A (miraculously he had a vasectomy or I have no doubt I would be as AP talked about wanting him to get her pregnant her all the time - not sure what her husband would have thought of that but I digress...) - my half sister was/is the OC. My mother had an affair with a married man and got pregnant.

I can give you all some perspective from the point of view of the OC, which I think unfortunately is the innocent victim in these awful affairs who really had nothing to do with anything yet they oftentimes suffer (and mainly in silence) through no fault of their own. I know it's not a popular topic, but unfortunately for those in this situation, it is a necessary one to consider. I'm happy to talk about my experience as a sibling and hers to the extent I understand it, as I know some of you have children of your marriage, and it can be a complicated situation (it also can work out okay from your kids perspective if handled well - at least it did for us) in large part because of my Dad's part in it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:15 PM, Thursday, January 26th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8774789
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NicoUnderword ( new member #81134) posted at 3:39 PM on Friday, February 3rd, 2023

ThisIsSoLonely Did your dad stayed with your mother? if so, how did their relationship survive?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Arizona
id 8776031
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:48 AM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

***Posting as a Member***

No, my dad did not stay with my mother - they had divorced by the time my sister was born (not sure how long before - my moms AP was married to so it was a cluster___ and the timeline is a bit wonky for me). Actually when my half-sister was born (I am the oldest of 2 girls from my mom/dad) I was 11/12 and I was ANGRY my parents had divorced and that my mom was pregnant and our whole world was a mess and I was acting out, and around when my mom was due it was summer so they sent me to a wonderful month-long camp that I had always wanted to go to. - and I happily went (and loved it) When I came back my sister (the OC) had been born, but I didn't know as this was a remote backpacking camp and I had not had access to a phone. So my Dad picked me up when camp was over, and on the way home (it was about a 2 hour drive) took me to lunch, and I will remember this for the rest of my life - I could tell you what the napkins looked like at the restaurant...

EDITED to add that I lived with my Mom like 60-70% of the time and my Dad the rest.

My Dad said: "I have news - you have a sister. Her name is "A"." I said "I already have a sister - she's 6." (referencing my Younger sister between my dad and mom) and shrugged my shoulders and kept eating. My Dad reached over, put his hand on top of mine, nudging the sandwich back onto the place and said to me rather sternly (and he is not a stern guy by nature) "Look. I know you are mad at your Mom, and you can be mad at her if you want, but you need to understand, you really MUST understand, this is not A's fault. She's a new baby and she's going to need an older sister like you to help her and take care of her and show her how to do things. She is your sister and all the things you are feeling - none of them are her fault. None. She didn't choose to be here, but she IS here so it's up to you to make her part of your family, because she is."

My Dad was not mean. He was not mad. He was not angry. He didn't dismiss my feelings about the whole mess of a family life I had but he wanted to let me know he was not going to tolerate my shunning my half-sister because of what my mom had done (my sister's father was married - and he was not really involved in her life on any regular basis until about two-three years later when he divorced and married my mother - they are still married to this day but that's a whole other story).

Ultimately, he convinced me that I should do something for my new sister to welcome her to MY family - something just for her - so we stopped at a store on the way home and bought some yarn (I had been learning how to crochet) and I made a baby blanket that I gave to her (not to my mom - I wasn't willing to go there) - so it was a gift just for my new sister, and that sat well with me - but I can tell you it would not have had my Dad not bridged that gap. It was like he was saying it was okay for me not to blame my sister on his behalf, and in my own way I was "protecting" him before.

I should thank him for that 1000 times over as I was protecting my Dad from the whole mess - I had taken his side (to the extent I even understood what had happened (which I largely did not) and he relieved me of that burden. I didn't have to protect him - that wasn't my job, and it wasn't my sister's fault she was here. And I am so thankful to him for that as I really did let that go then - my sister is awesome and my mother and I still have problems. It was an absolute act of kindness on his part because at 11 I should not have had to choose to hate a baby I didn't even know - and oh was I prepared to do that. Would it have lasted? IDK, but there was a major relief on my part. Like I said, I can remember it like it was 10 minutes ago.

My Dad has always been very kind to my half-sister the OC (and still is - he always sends her and her family xmas cards and she sends them to him too) - at Christmastime before my mom married my sister's father my Dad would always bring a gift for her too - because her father was still married and then in the midst of a divorce etc - and he wanted her to not feel so left out. He genuinely looked at her as not part of the problem - somehow he managed to draw that line and it never seemed to bother him, or if it did he certainly never let on to us. My Dad is a very pragmatic individual - about all kinds of things - so I expect that he totally separated my half-sister from my mom's mess.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:59 AM, Monday, February 6th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8776336
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

Hi ladies. I’m back here again because the new year is when the OC was conceived and it’s almost the anniversary of learning my life was forever beyond repair.

I too remember receiving the child support order in the mail, and how it triggered and devastated me all over again. And of course ever since our finances have been in the red because of it. Even though I returned to work far earlier after having our youngest than I otherwise would have to try to lessen the financial loss.

The latest new annoying part is that his AP is married now - but won’t let my husband sign away his parental rights and responsibilities even though her new husband would adopt. And why would she? She gets free money every month for years.

This will one day drive me into an institution, I am sure of it. This whole experience has completely changed me. I’ve admittedly never been a cheerful person but this has turned me into a shadow.

Oh, and has anyone else told their families about this? My husband’s parents know because they gave us some financial help, but my side has no idea and it’s been a few years now. I don’t know how I would even broach the subject at this point.

It's been almost a year and we have heard nothing new. My WH was supposed to make an appointment with a lawyer to find out our options so we'd be ready for anything. Of course he has done nothing. The axe is still poised above us ready to drop at any moment.

I can't even imagine what hell you're going through. Of course the OW isn't going to give up that free $$, even though it's costing your family a great deal. She doesn't care. What's infuriating is that WH's don't give a shit either until "consequences" and then it's all "oops".

I finally told my mother after about 2 years. I thought she would have given me the usual "submit to your husband" bs but she was extremely understanding and supportive. There were still some "treat him like a king" bs but I shut that down quick. My father was unfaithful too and she took him back, but they rugswept because he never wanted to talk about it. The advice she received was to basically let him rugsweep and keep him "happy". Honestly, it seemed to have worked out for them in that they still loved each other, but I could see that my mother was still in pain. It's irritating that my father did that.

His family has no idea, mostly because we don't keep in touch that much. I did reach out to my MIL recently and she was supportive but that was it. If you need support I'd advice to let your family know. And of course you have our support here as well.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8779386
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 5:59 PM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

ThisIsSoLonely

Your father is a lot stronger than I could ever be. I would never blame the OC but I could never act like it wasn't ripping me apart to just set eyes on them. And although I would never be cruel to an innocent child, I know that seething rage and devastation would seep through and I would not inflict that on a child. Which is why I told my WH that if he wants a relationship with the OC he is free to have it, but not with me by his side. I will not inflict that pain on myself. Yes, the OC is innocent, but so am I, and so are my children. I would not stop my children either if they wanted to get to know the OC, but I would stipulate that it would have to be without me there, nor would I want to know about any of the interactions. Thankfully most of my children are adults now, only one left in the nest.

I can't even fathom the unimaginable pain your father went through. Thank you for sharing your story.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8779387
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:21 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Dragn -

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I just read your post for the first time. Your H sounds so immature and doesn't seem to take YOUR feelings into account at all. OR the feelings of his children.

Please keep posting as we will try to help in any way possible.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8779420
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:46 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Fournlau - quick response to this:

I can't even fathom the unimaginable pain your father went through. Thank you for sharing your story.

After you posted this I thought about it quite a bit and I asked my Dad as he and I have spoken about the whole mess with my mom numerous times over the years (he and I are close and we talk almost every day but have better things to talk about usually smile ) but not about that - not really. He is older now, 70-80, and that was a long time ago, so I didn't think it would be a bad topic (it's not). His response was what I would expect from him (and just proves we are all very different).

He said my sister's existence never tore him apart or anything close to that - because he never thought her existence or their affair was :"about him" or I guess he put it that she was never a reflection of anyone other than her or something like that. By treating her differently - anything other than his children's sister - that he would be giving more credence to the importance of "them" then they deserved and that didn't make any sense to him. That he thought that not including her, especially when her own biological father was excluding her, would have been so confusing, and so difficult not only for her,, but for us, that he could not imagine treating a child that way - and this I do remember. He used the phrase that he would never want to "pass on the hurt" to her and he did not want us kids - his kids - to think that was acceptable.

He did say that he was concerned we were learning some bad behaviors from my mom (we were or at least I was - the secrecy and lying by omission when a conversation was uncomfortable was my specialty when I was a teenager/young adult) so he wanted us to see a different example. My mom was all about the blame game - like my Dad's behavior forced her to do what she did. Admittedly their relationship was horrible long before the A - they fought all the time about literally everything (who was right about my grandpa's favorite restaurant in 1955 was even a major blowout - you name it) - and honestly the divorce was the best thing that happened to all of us in the long run... But my Dad was so invested in us kids he wanted to be sure we did not think it was okay to treat our half-sibling as any part of the rest of the A, and for him it was just easy - that part of it.

I guess he was just 100% able to separate my sister from my mom and the A. Not her doing. Not her fault. Not her burden to bear. It struck me as funny in a way as he was almost confused by the question - like why would anyone feel like that? So, I suppose we are all different and deal with things in different ways. But thanks for the question fornlau - it did get me thinking about my Dad's motives and if indeed he did really suffer "more" due to my sister's arrival, but he really did not feel she made things better or worse...that she was just a result of them doing what they were doing - and that was the problem, not her.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8790176
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masti ( member #54237) posted at 3:58 AM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

"Look. I know you are mad at your Mom, and you can be mad at her if you want, but you need to understand, you really MUST understand, this is not A's fault. She's a new baby and she's going to need an older sister like you to help her and take care of her and show her how to do things. She is your sister and all the things you are feeling - none of them are her fault. None. She didn't choose to be here, but she IS here so it's up to you to make her part of your family, because she is."


ThisIsSoLonely, I was so moved by your post. What a wonderful man your father is with such a beautiful soul. I hope he found happiness with someone in the end.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8790400
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P0ppy ( new member #82913) posted at 2:35 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

My husband had a short term affair (less than two months) that resulted in an OC. Which I found out about 6 months ago. The OC is now two months old, we haven't met her as we don't yet have a paternity test ( we did one but the lab says they stuffed up the results so now we have to do it again). My WH had ended the affair and was NC with the OW before she knew she was pregnant. Other than organising the test we have continued with that, although she has tried to initiate contact a few times.

The OW knew we were married with a young child and actively pursued my husband for a long time before anything happened. She even borrowed keys to our house when we were away and went through our stuff. They used (her) protection and there should have been a less than 1% chance of pregnancy unless there was malicious intent on her behalf. She was pregnant to someone else 6 months before and miscarried. At the risk of sounding naive I think she knew what she was doing. Don't get me wrong, he behaved in a terrible way but so has she and that is a big factor in my decision as I don't want her anywhere in my life.

I have read this whole thread in hope of some clarity around what I want but I still feel just as lost.

My WH is very remorseful and we are both in IC and MC. It's just such a long journey. I desperately want another child but am worried to have one with him as I am not sure we can work through this. On the flip side what if i wait and never get to have one.

I'm so filled with anger at both of them but right now particularly the OW who already has 3 children. If you want another child that much then why go about it in this manner it's disgraceful.

I'm not really sure what I am after with this post. Just really struggling still.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8792810
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