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Newest Member: chrisbb

Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 9:49 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Starting to think that despite me trying so hard to preserve the M that this could work out as the better option for me after all.

Loving your updates and the practical and emotional efficiency with which you are approaching matters.

Btw, I’d edit out the name of the pottery above, to keep yourself anonymous and safe.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6631   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8797139
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 10:11 PM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

Great job. Just keep moving forward one step at a time straight out of the Hell she put you in.

Did she sign the form? Has she picked up the last of her stuff which you packed for her?

You are doing great. Keep it up

Betrayed Spouse. She cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being Adultery. Divorced: Sept, 2018. VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 690   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8797290
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 9:48 PM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023

WS came round this morning to collect the last of her stuff, she was here for 2.5 hours and it came to 2 van loads but apart from things in the garden everything is now gone. As on previous visits she could not wait to leave, and rushed off without going through the paperwork, we have arranged a day next week to complete that. She was also shocked at the continued changes I have made and that a new double bed has arrived. I was totally calm throughout the visit and almost felt no emotions at all.

Leaving does not seem to have made her any happier, she was still grumpy and spent a lot of time complaining about the AP, apparently living with him 24/7 is very different from the time they have spent together previously (who would have guessed). She said that she cannot unpack any of the things she has taken so far because there is no room, apparently AP is a hoarder and won’t let her throw anything out, also that everything is done in his time and how long it takes to get him to get his ass into gear, AP changing plans she has made "What is the point of telling him anything if they do not listen", the new property being in the middle of nowhere and poor roads, and my personal favourite, that he is always out, either bobbing about or drinking with his mates.

All things that we knew about before she left because that is his personality, and I had asked if she felt she would be able to live with someone like that. She said that she could. A previous comment mentioned that people take for granted things that are important to them but they do not realise they are, I suspect WS may be having those thoughts about now.

It does seem that the fantasy is falling apart rather quickly.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797465
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 10:14 PM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023

spent a lot of time complaining about the AP

Why does she think that you care about her life with her AP?? It's so annoying. Did she even ask your permission before dumping all of this?

"

What is the point of telling him anything if they do not listen",

Oh, the irony here!!

It does seem that the fantasy is falling apart rather quickly.

It always does. But, it's not your problem. It's not your trash. Because, they will somehow build another comfortable fantasy than accept the uncomfortable reality and make amends.

Did she sign divorce papers??

posts: 456   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8797472
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023

It seems like a common theme, the WS world turns out not so wonderful and they start feeling out their possible back up plans and options.

I read a comment here, about the WS's not being your monkey nor circus.....thus its not your drama any longer.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8797482
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

Thanks for the update. You are doing well moving forward after her betrayal and abandoning your M. One word of caution: don’t become her fallback guy to listen to her complain about her life with her AP. I know you are a good guy and still care about her. But she fired you from the job of caring. Listening to her complaints and whining about the AP only keeps you enmeshed with her, and hinders your healing. No contact means no new hurts. Of course she would prefer to be friends. If you are her friend then what she has done can’t be that bad. She does it to ease her own guilt and shame. Selfish actions.
Keep moving forward you are doing well.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3793   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8797511
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5yrsout ( member #32109) posted at 3:08 AM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

Congrats on your promotion and for taking care of yourself. Well done! Ever onward.

DD 5/15/2006
Found this site 2011
Struggled 10 l-o-n-g yrs (for the kids)
S 2016
D 2018
Happy now.

posts: 798   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2011
id 8797519
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 5:57 AM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

Thanks everyone for your comments

Lurkingsoul12, no she did not sign, we have arranged a day next week for her to return 1 item of furniture that we have agreed I want and go through some paperwork, I do not believe she expects this to include the D application. Before she moved out she said that there was no rush to begin D process and we could do this sometime in the future, I just want to get on with it.

Hardyfool, I have no intention of being her backup plan, as I said previously if she wants to see if we could ever R, it will be on my terms and only if she could convince me that she can be a partner I want to be around, I am not sure she could change enough to ever convince me of that.

Fareast, I also have no intention of being there for her to complain to about AP. Apart from these visits to remove her stuff I am not speaking with her, our only communication is via WhatsApp and is related to things she wants to collect. Once everything is gone this will be limited to D matters only, and if I pass her in the street I will remain polite and civil but will not engage in chit chat, I will not go for a coffee or invite her round, basically the wall is up and I will be polite but uninterested.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797536
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:13 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

After writing the below I realized that it’s more of a vent or rant and definitely directed at your WW mentality and definitely 100% not you – because YOU are doing the right thing.

I wish people were required to pass a tough, written test about marriage before being allowed up the aisle. We think of this big romantic event, traditionally the man is expected to spend at least a months pay on a ring, the wife’s parents and/or the couple the equivalent of a down-payment for a home for a party with cake...

Basically we are expecting people to start what can be their biggest journey with a massive stressful event that sets them back financially for years – literally years! It’s all so much fun and so romantic and so… predictable.

Instead we should start people with an understanding of the legal, financial and social obligations and expectations of marriage, as well as the importance of communications and openness.

Let’s put it this way: If I think I have piles it’s my wife I’m going to be having take a look…

Maybe I’m old, but I have realized that marriage is 90% business and legal and maybe 10% romance/glue.

Your WW suggestion to delay divorce…

You get a stroke/coma/placeanydiseasehere and she get’s to decide your treatment and possible end-of-life treatment…

She defaults on her credit-card gotten when both married, and you get to pay for her Caribbean holiday with new AP…

She doesn’t pay her car-note and the big burly guys are knocking at your door…

Guess you have no plans or expectations for any of the above to happen. Not any more than you had expectations that she would cheat…

I am totally 100% behind your decision to divorce, and to start the process ASAP. Not as revenge or payback or because D is the only way to go. But because in your situation it’s the ONLY way to go. The only path out of infidelity that’s open to you.

You are doing great – all things considered.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:14 PM, Friday, June 30th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12090   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8797546
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:12 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2023

Another good weekend post WS leaving, still busy and making more changes, but think all the immediate stuff I wanted to do is now complete or will be within the next few days. Now I have started thinking about decorating and changing the colour of some of the rooms, probably starting with the gym.

Before she left I felt that the responsibility for running the house alone was overwhelming, and I felt weighed down by possessions. Turns out that over the years I have obviously learnt how to do everything anyway, I am still eating and losing weight at a sensible pace, I can use the dishwasher and the washing machine, and peg out the clothes to dry, also found that I am getting on top of the cleaning and the gardening. Basically despite my fears I have realised that I will be fine on my own and the wheels are not suddenly going to fall off.

Only downside at the moment is that I still have feelings for her, I can't believe I am even typing that. How the hell can I still love her despite everything she has done to me. I am sure that this will be cured by time but at the moment is unpleasant and I am going to claim temporary insanity.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797886
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:46 PM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2023

Those feelings don’t totally go away but they do change. After 5 yrs my ex has moved in with a new woman, and I am glad it isn’t me.

I do still miss the dream guy, but that guy isn’t real. You may come to realize the person you have feelings for doesn’t exist too.

It does get easier.

You are doing great!

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8797906
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, July 3rd, 2023

I know there will be good days and bad days, and after mostly good days since WS left today has been one of the bad days.

This morning whilst I was out walking I was feeling that I must have been a total failure as a husband, for her to have had an A and to leave to live with AP. I know he is a useless individual but somehow WS has decided that he is a better choice than me. I know from reading this website over the last few weeks that this is not the case, but at that moment the sensible part of my brain was losing the battle and that is how I was feeling. I did manage to get over it fairly quickly.

Then this evening I received a message from WS, just confirming the time she is coming round on Wednesday, I was expecting her to message at some point but for some reason when I received the message it really knocked me sideways. I have no idea why it hurt so much on this occasion, but it did. I put some decent clothes on and went out for a walk to clear my head which did help. Whilst walking I realised that if she takes all of the items she wants from the garden, and we get the D application signed, this may be the last time I see her, and I certainly have mixed feelings about that.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8798023
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:20 AM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

WS has been and gone, she has taken the last of the items she wanted, signed the D application so that will be filed later today and returned her door keys.

I managed to hold myself together until she had gone, JUST, but feeling really emotional right now. Suddenly everything seems so final, and unless I bump into her in the street I will probably never see her again. At this moment that is so hard to deal with despite how she has treated me.

I also cannot believe how quickly this has happened. Exactly 3 weeks ago today I still felt we were moving in the direction of R, and now she has gone, her possessions have gone, we have applied to D, and I may never see her again. Quite breathtaking.

We had a discussion about the D financial settlement and she was genuinely shocked when I said that I would be getting a mortgage to pay her half of the house value. It seemed that until that point she had not even considered what my financial position was going to be going forward. I have worked hard over the years, and made sacrifices to ensure the mortgage was paid off some years ago, and that we would be financially secure in the future. Obviously the D is causing a reset to that situation, the money I had put aside for our future will all be gone and I am the one left with a large mortgage to pay. As others have said the injustice of the situation for the BS is hard to believe.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 9:26 PM, Wednesday, July 5th]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8798184
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:02 AM on Thursday, July 6th, 2023

Sorry you're hitting today. Take time to grieve and realize that's normal. The emotional whiplash from thinking you're ok to now it's ending can leave you reeling.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3119   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8798314
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 7:55 AM on Saturday, July 8th, 2023

Unsurprisingly had a couple of days this week when I have felt quite low with the speed and finality of it all, but remembered what my group therapy had taught me about making things happen for yourself.

So yesterday morning I had decided to get my backside in gear and go for a long walk. I was up early and took the first bus of the day (06:30, and this was an open top bus) to a small coastal village a few miles north of my home town. It was a beautiful morning and I then walked the 7 miles home along the promenade (boardwalk) with the early morning sun glinting off the sea. That felt amazing and certainly lifted my spirits for the rest of the day.

Home changes continue and I have decided to update the conservatory with a beach theme. I have bought some new cushion covers that arrived yesterday and also used some tester pots to decide on a wall colour. Not decided yet but looks like it is going to be stonewash blue, or teal.

I have also recognised that I am having feelings towards one of my friends, the divorced one. She has been a friend for a long time and I always felt that she would have been interested in exploring a relationship except that I was married, she always respected that and I made it clear that I would never cheat on my wife. Since my seperation she has provided a huge amount of support, we message every day and we have sat down for a coffee a few times.

Yesterday while we were talking I did think how nice it would feel to have her arms around me, and to kiss her. BUT I am sensible enough to realise that I am so emotionally unbalanced at the moment that it would just be a reaction to my trauma, and would be a very bad idea. To say nothing of the fact that I could lose a very good friend if it became awkward. I know that I need to take time to myself right now and just enjoy the platonic company of her and other friends, and if something should develop in the future I can just enjoy that sensation and see where life leads me.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8798673
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 1:14 PM on Saturday, July 8th, 2023

I saw the friend thing coming a ways off. My heart dropped when you admitted for feelings for her but then soared when you said that you realize rushing this would be a mistake. If it's meant to be, it will happen in time, and you'll be so glad you waited.

Your conservatory sounds perfectly lovely, and those colors are dreamy.

One day at a time...

posts: 201   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8798682
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:56 PM on Saturday, July 8th, 2023

Pat yourself on the back for the progress you made !
Your feelings for WS will eventually go away. She’s signed up for a life of chaos while you settle down to a peaceful ,self aware , stable and secure life.
Good things come to those who wait. Your friend may also appreciate that she is not a rebound and worth much more. Take care. Look forward to updates !

posts: 235   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8798696
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:01 AM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Yesterday was my birthday and apart from a brief moment when I woke up and thought 'how the hell have I have managed to find myself in this position at my age', I had a really good day. Kept busy getting ready for the conservatory makeover this coming weekend, and went shopping. I treated myself to an item of clothing from a local store that sells designer items. Not something I would normally do, and not something I have been able to do for a long time because nothing would have fit me. Yesterday I picked something off the rail, tried it on and it fitted perfectly, that felt so good, as if a real milestone in my weight loss.

Then yesterday evening my friends had arranged a meal out for us all, and that was great, we had a lot of laughs, especially as they were trying to see if they could get me to drink lots of alcohol. I drink infreqently and have a very low tolerance so it does not take a lot to make me merry, but I resisted their jokey attempts and just had a single small bottle of cider, followed by a long walk and an ice cream.

When I eventually got home, had showered and checked my phone I saw that there was a whatsapp from WS, she wanted to come round today "Could I pick beetroot and courgettes tomorrow, going to see (friend who lives locally). Birthday greetings for your 52nd", that was an unpleasant surpise to round off what had been a good evening.

I was thinking about the request and thought it sounded a bit lame, and wondered if it was just an excuse to see me, why would you go back to your former home just to pick some beetroot and courgettes. I messaged back to say sorry for the late reply (it was quite late in the evening) but I had only just got home and read my messages. She does not know where I have been and I have no need to tell her, but you can guarantee she is wondering.

However I thought it was churlish to say no, so asked what time, and have just messaged her to say 'that is fine, I am not at home this morning so will leave side gate unlocked for you'. I really do not want to see her at the moment as I know that it will upset me, this way I am obliging her but at the same time taking myself away from any contact.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8799101
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 12:18 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

An amazing update! I'm sure you've made yourself dizzy with how quickly you've turned things around, but you are doing remarkably well. It does get better, I promise. One foot in front of the other.

posts: 201   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8799105
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:21 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Happy late birthday, iamenough. Your descriptions of you going to the sea, taking your walks, spending time with your friends, and redecorating are so uplifting—you are navigating an incredibly difficult situation with grace and courage.

I understand feeling like it’s mean to tell your soon to be ex wife that she can’t pick veggies from the garden, but I would just ignore any communications from her that aren’t related to necessary logistics. She has made her choices and doesn’t deserve access to your space anymore, physically or emotionally.

Hang in there. You seem like a wonderful, interesting, solid person. And your conservatory sounds lovely!!

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8799106
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