12-step meetings are a source of strength and calm me like nothing else. Personally, I don't think Al-Anon is appropriate for spouses of sex addicts. a) it's different for us since we didn't see the acting out, as opposed to say, spouses of alcoholics, who deal with terrible but very different things. b) because we didn't know about their behavior, it is incorrect to call us co-dependent. That doesn't mean that some of us don't have co-dependency issues, but the term most often used for spouses of sex addicts who didn't know it was happening is prodependce, which Robert Weiss came up with. Anyhow, there's nothing like a meeting with other women who know EXACTLY what you've been through. I tried the SA-anon ones but they were by phone. Luckily, there are some good zoom ones through SAL Lifeline (which also has some other resources on its website.)
Well said. I got enormous help from SANON in early days even though the official POV of the national group more closely identifies with AA, the idea of codependence is paramount. In my experience, I definitely became codependent, not because I knew what he was up to, but because I was trying to keep the peace. Like many addicts, he went on the attack if I dared to question anything. They attack if their drug of choice is threatened. It behooves all of us to examine our actions and evaluate whether or not we are codependent, it's an unhealthy way to live. On the other hand, it's hard to figure out what is healthy nurturing and what is unhealthy. We are programmed to want to protect our families, a good counselor can help us figure it out.
he sent me some horrible texts, calling me a Bitch, told me to Fuck off and that I kept trying to change him but he was not going to change.
This may be the most honest he's been with you in years.
I've been seeing a counselor for a few months. Well...I've been MIA because two days after Christmas and another big blow up, we decided to reconcile...neither of us mention divorce anymore, try our best, and begin marriage counselling. He is willing to go to marriage counseling but said he will only go to individual counseling if the MC says he needs to. I've been informally assured he would be because this is Biblical counseling.
He's controlling the outcome still. He's hiding. Scrupulous honesty is the only way he'll get to sobriety, if ever.
A big change in my attitude and heart came when he finally verbally apologized for the language he used with me in his hateful texts. (he had previously texted an apology after an argument and I had let him know how important a verbal was to me).
However, the apology only seemed to be the minimal amount of sincerity but i took it and somehow felt better. He still never actually apologized for calling me a Bitch and hurting me profoundly. As crazy as it may sound, I had felt there was no coming back from that text.
Despite the fact that my husband has changed dramatically, there are words and insults he slung at me years and years ago that still echo in my head. I can re-hear them, recall exactly where I was standing, recall the same emotions. I don't think we get over that. He is very remorseful and hates himself for saying those things, can verbalize WHY he said them. But it doesn't change my memory.
Well today while he was scrolling through his facebook when were both in bed, i saw several advertisements of sexy women with this soft porn again. He's told me in the past that whatever searches you do using our wi-fi on your phone will generate in-kind advertisements on your facebook. Now i have a faster beating heart again and a lump in my throat because I know that he's not only still been doing it but he lied to me again.
Yep. Still lying, not even trying to be sober, whiteknuckling at best.
Things have been a lot better between us for the past few weeks to this point.
It's better because you are still hiding his secrets. By not talking about it, you enable him. Secrets are an addict's most precious possession.
I was even starting to trust him again.
He hasn't earned that trust. Far from it.
His previous arguement about counseling had been the cost.
An excuse. Addicts will avoid anything that might get in his way. An addict will find a reason to use when there is NO reason to use.
He didnt go with me and I told him I was getting ready to go.
Of course not. Counseling threatens his drug of choice.
We've been getting our house ready to sell because we've wanted to downsize and it's currently a seller's market. I'm thinking I shouldn't say anything right now about what I saw on his phone and instead continue on with the sale of our house. I dont want to plan a vacation for the summer like he wants me to do and I dont want to look for another home yet. Our house is supposed to go on the market 3/1 and will probably be under contract within 2 weeks at top dollar because there is basically no inventory in our area...everything sells fast.
What are your opinions of my discovery and plans? I don't foresee any success with MC but I want to give it a shot for both us and to let him fall flat on his face when he quits the counseling. My share of the equity would be enough to start over.
No reason to say anything to him. I'd keep the plans close to the vest. But make copies of ALL your important papers, save them in a safe place. When he figures it all out, he may just ramp up his attack, who knows what kind of retaliation he may come up with.
You are NOT SAFE with him, maybe he isn't a physical threat, but addicts are simply not to be trusted. They are incapable of love and caring. They are the epitome of selfishness. IMO, staying with an addict who is NOT involved in an active, ongoing recovery program is devastating. Even then, slips and relapses are common, even expected. It's very, very hard on the spouse, stressful and continuing.
I am 12 years out from when the shit hit the fan. Even then, I didn't know the extent of his addiction. Since then, we've had slips and a major relapse. I am aged by all of this, I see the stress in my face, in my chronic pain, in my nightmares. The hypervigilance required is ongoing and very hard on the body. My husband is continually remorseful, actively ashamed, and determined to fix himself. Still, my life has been profoundly damaged and my underlying feeling is that my life has been a lie.
I have sympathy for addicts, I do. They are victims of their addiction that often stems from childhood abuse, often sexual abuse. But that doesn't mean we have to help them, or put up with it, or stay with them. Sickness and Health doesn't mean at the risk of our own health.
I'm sorry to be negative. I am happy in my life, I'm happy because I put myself first and mindfully do things that I want to do. But I also have a real, tangible plan if he ramps it up again or engages with RL women. That gives me a measure of peace and serenity.
Love to you all. You are heroes.
[This message edited by Lionne at 9:20 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]