In Recovery v1, it took me 18 months to decide to trust my husband. But, it was 18 months of him putting forth effort, being present, and actually communicating with me.
I thought that was enough. It wasn't.
I should have asked for full disclosure. I did not.
My husband went to a CSAT for about 3 years, and then was told that he was solid enough in his recovery that he could manage.
I even got a new wedding ring. I asked for it, and he obliged. It's quite beautiful, even if it is meaningless.
I mistakenly assumed that my husband had a plan for when he had the urge. Turns out, he did not.
And slipped/marched towards a full blown relapse over a span of 7ish years, complete with lying to me about it when I called him out on it.
In Recovery v2..My husband religiously goes to his 12 step meetings, but not surprisingly, has faltered with *me* with regards to his stepwork. My husband has been on the amends step for I think 2.5 years. My husband has managed to write an open letter to make amends to the women that he's objectified. On the one hand, I'm glad he did it..because it does point to the fact that maybe he gets it.
On the otherhand...his amends letter was likely directed towards people that didn't give a shit about him.
I probably asked him 6 or so weeks ago if he's ever going to make amends to me. He told me yes. I asked when. He said.."I don't know."
So. It's a very good data point for me, that I don't think my husband is very capable of the work.
My husband says lots of things: That he won't lie to me again; that I'm the most important thing in his life; that he's been sober for 3.75 years now, if we legally separate he will tell the children it's because of his choices.
I don't believe him. I have given my husband a list of things that I need from him before I will agree to maybe try this time..we likely need to see a marriage therapist.
My list of what I want/want to see before I consider working on the marriage are
1-A real apology every single time he apologizes. None of this "I'm sorry you feel that way." shit
2- An amends letter
3- Names of his coworkers that he fantasized about; names of the moms at the kids school that he's fantasized about
4- Demonstrated actual effort, to include initiating discussions about how he's doing with his recovery..reflections on attending meetings, etc.
So. Within the last year, he did do the better apology for 3 weeks. And, he has put forth some inconsistent effort.
It's not enough for me, I detach.
I don't think my husband started taking me very seriously until I started bringing up separation more. Legal separation is a thing in our state. First, I shared things like: Well, you know, if we really want to have a healthy marriage, we probably need to work with a counselor. I'm unwilling to do that right now, because I don't think you are safe. Then the discussion has moved to: I want to make sure I have finished my degree and I have a new car before we separated. Again, about 6 weeks or so ago, I did suggest that maybe we take some of the next round of stimulus money and do a couple weeks of a trial separation.
The last one seemed to have made the most impression on him.
I don't hate my husband. I'm not sure I love him. I'm not ready to leave just from the logistical nightmare of where we are in our lives. Four kids, me still in school and working. We are better operating as a partnership than not. His parents are also my support. I'm not ready to give that up.
I don't really know if he's happy staying in a relationship with me. He says he is, and when I offer that maybe he moves out and gets his needs met elsewhere on his own time, he insists that's not what he wants. But, again, he doesn't really behave in a way that demonstrates that he really wants to be with me..