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Newest Member: PedalingForward

The Book Club :
"Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" - Kirshenbaum

Topic is Sleeping.
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 theakronborg (original poster member #55770) posted at 4:16 AM on Thursday, April 27th, 2017

Thinking of reading this in hopes of working through my ambivalence. Anyone have any thoughts about it?

For a little background, WH has been seeing prostitutes for our entire marriage, off and on. I found out last August. We were already in MC for relationship issues because he was not meeting my needs, he was a roommate with benefits essentially. So, obviously, work needed. I feel like the flame of love was barely flickering and dday doused it pretty completely.

He is doing some work on himself, more in the recent weeks. Some days I am confident that I can't wait any more for him to figure his stuff out. Others, I think I should give him more time. Round and round I go. I'm in IC, which is helping, but I thought doing some reading would also help.

If not this book, what others do you suggest?

Me (call me Thea): BW - 40s
xWH - 40s
2 teens
M 18 years at DDay Aug 2016
Currently S, mediating D

posts: 859   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2016   ·   location: So Cal
id 7848176
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kayaker55 ( member #41617) posted at 5:52 AM on Thursday, April 27th, 2017

Read it. Not bad.

By the way my WH was also into Prostitutes amongst other disgusting behaviors,

The book that really resonated and helped me was "Should I Stay, or Should I Go" by Lundy Bancroft.

I HIGHLY recommend it. It breaks things down and is empowering. Exercises at the end of each chapter.

All the best thea.

posts: 183   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2013
id 7848246
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LuvsMeLuvsMeNot ( member #44963) posted at 12:13 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2017

It is an excellent book and really gives you a lot of thoughtful insights as you try to make a decision as to whether to go or stay.

I have it in both formats, hard copy and also the audio book.

I personally prefer any books that we use though to be in the audio book version because my FWH and I can both listen to it at the same time.

BW (ME) 62 FWH 62 M-35 1/2 YRS D-Day #1 2/11/12-FWH SAY ONLY EA TT BS From FWH For 3.5 YRS! D-Day #2 12/3/15-FWH SAYS ALWAYS A PA SAME OW! OW/EXGF 61 Nasty White Trailer TRASH Who Dumped WS 42 Yrs Ago

posts: 775   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 7848332
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notperfect5 ( member #43330) posted at 3:26 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2017

Yes, It is a good book.

I ran through the questionnaire and on two (maybe three) items it said I would be more likely to be happy if I left the marriage. Only one is needed to make the recommendation to call it quits.

But I was evaluating based on my "prior and during" affair wife. Since the affair, the mercury chelation therapy, the IC, MC and a ton of discussions, she seems to have changed herself greatly.

I am waiting to see if it sticks. I do have confidence that she can do it.

But if she kicks, punches, slaps, throws things, or breaks stuff anymore either at me or our children, then I am done. If she engages in verbal or emotional abuse anymore, then I am done.

This is quite a change for her but I know she can do it.

Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS

posts: 1222   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeast
id 7848480
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Anyone13 ( member #41635) posted at 5:59 AM on Thursday, June 1st, 2017

It's a very good book, I have recommended it to many people over the years. It really depends on how/if you you apply it. I read it first maybe 12-13 years ago because I was ambivalent in my difficult relationship, but ignored a truckload of red flags, chose to stay and got married. First dday was after the birth of our first child, and it's been prostitutes, women off craigslist, lots of texting women, etc. I'm not sure this book covered the kind of issues we are dealing with, I'm reading another book called Safe People and just finished one called the Emotionally Destructive marriage. Both are really good, but Safe People is really helping me see how even before the infidelity my WH was an unsafe partner without healthy boundaries. Wish I'd read it 10 years ago.

Me: 37 BS, Him: 42 WH
Married in 2008, together nearly 16 years
Separated 1+ year
Two young kiddos
5+ ddays starting Oct 2012; prostitutes, texting women, backpage, craigslist and worse.
Latest dday April '17 - So DONE.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2013
id 7879382
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Lonelygirl10 ( member #39850) posted at 11:19 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2017

Yes, I think it's a very good book. It was personally helpful to me with a few different relationships.

posts: 1803   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013
id 7926596
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:34 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Bump per request.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3130   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8809646
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lessthinking ( new member #83887) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

I just read this book and really loved it. I found it great for insight and reflection. For other readers, I'm curious out of the 36 Diagnostic Questions how many did you get that indicate you would be happiest leaving? I know the book says you only need one. I feel like some hold more value than others.
I got the following 6 that indicate I would be happier leaving;
#9 (blocks attempts to discuss)
#10 (lying)
#12 (my willingness)
#19 (violation of bottom line)
#30 (needs met)
#33 (intimacy discrepancy)
#34 (fun)
I would say of these, there are 3 that have the potential to change. Have any of you left based on your results? Leaving just for 1 seems difficult. Anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8809728
Topic is Sleeping.
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