Update on no sex guy
Hey yall, I'm putting this in a new post since I'm hoping to get some comments that will help me make sense of what happened last night. My head is spinning.
In my last post, I explained that I had been dating someone since June 2021 who hadn't had sex with me yet. It bothered me internally, and then about a month ago I had a vulnerable talk with him based off advice from my IC about how the rejection made me feel and asked him if there was a reason why he kept saying no. During that talk, I also disclosed (per advice of my IC) that I had a prior medical issue that caused pain with sex, and so I would be fine with sexual stuff that didn't involve penetration. He said no specific reason - sometimes tired, sometimes headache, sometimes too tipsy, etc. Then a couple weeks later very late at night while he was drunk, he told me that there was a reason but that he wasn't ready to share what it was. I sent him an emotional text the next day telling him how that made me feel, and he responded that we needed to talk in person. I posted here, and decided to end it. We had a trip planned to Mexico that had already been paid though on Valentine's weekend, and had a pretty good friendship (had fun hanging out together) so I decided to keep things inside, have no sex, and end it after the trip.
We left Friday for the trip. Despite my best efforts, my feelings of rejection had been building up though. About a week before the trip, I had sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk about everything in person. He said not before the trip. On Saturday in Mexico, I got triggered. He was talking about filming a short film, and how the camera guy had invited camera guy's girlfriend to be there for it. I asked if I could come too, and he said no. He was drunk at the time and said he didn't want me there because I'd be jealous of the scene that they were shooting with him and a girl. I felt triggered, and the next day I told him that we had to talk. All my feelings of rejection came out again, and we talked about the lack of sex, the lack of the girlfriend label, and the lack of him bringing me around his friends. He had a reasonable explanation for all of it, and then for the first time told me that the sex stuff was due to a medical reason that causes him pain. Some days are good, some days are bad, and he's getting treatment for it. He said that he didn't feel comfortable sharing the diagnosis with me because he hadn't told anyone yet, not even his parents. He did say not a STD though and not death threatening.
So I spent the rest of the day feeling torn about whether I should still end it or not. Due to my own medical issues causing pain with sex, I completely understand why he wouldn't want to share it. I spent time in IC the past year learning how to communicate it to a partner, and there was a time where I didn't think I'd ever be strong enough to actually share it because I felt like less of a woman. So, anyway, I didn't think I could break up with him now that I knew "the real reason." But the thing that was still bothering me is that he had previously told me that there wasn't a reason at all. So after the plane landed back in the US and we got to my place, I asked that question. I told him it felt untruthful and so I was wondering why he didn't tell me back then that there was a reason he wasn't ready to share. He responded that it's medical and he's not ready to share. I said I know, but why a month ago did you tell me no reason at all. He just responding last night to that question with "it's medical, I'm not sharing." Then he got up out of bed and said he should go home. I was like "I'm not trying to get you to tell me the diagnosis, I'm just trying to understand why you said no reason at all. It feels untruthful, and that makes me question whether you've been truthful about other things like why you don't bring me around your friends." His response was "my medical stuff is personal and I thought we had already resolved this on Sunday. It feels like you're pressuring me, and going at it from a different angle with your questions. If this isn't going to drop, then I need to leave." I told him that if he left, it was over. He grabbed his stuff and walked out the door without looking at me, without saying a word, without a hug, or anything.
It's the most abrupt breakup I've ever had. In one sense, he made it easier for me to end it by doing that last night. But in the other I feel like I got no closure at all. I had spent all this time in IC learning about how to communicate with him in a healthy way, and he just walked out on me. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. At this point, I'm wondering if the medical thing is even real. I hate that he thought I was pressuring him. I don't see IC again until Thursday, and my head is just spinning with how everything happened this weekend and specifically last night.
35 comments posted: Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
Need advice re lack of sex
Hi all. It’s been a really long time (several years) since I’ve posted. I’m in a dating situation though now that I really need some feedback on before I decide how to move forward and/or whether to end it. I’m especially interested in hearing comments from the men on here.
I’ve been seeing a man since June 2021. We are exclusively seeing each other. We connect well, have a lot in common, same views, etc. However, there are some issues that are bothering me.
The first one is a bit TMI…. We haven’t had sex yet. He’s touched my boobs twice. He is extremely cuddly and we stay the night together at least once a week. Sometimes he will kiss me in bed, sometimes not. I’ve communicated with him that I’m ready for more physical intimacy. He talks about sex a fair bit in general, such as his prior partners, what "men" want, etc. I know he’s had some one night stands, as well as sex in serious relationships. Every time I bring it up, he tells me that there’s not a specific reason why he’s waiting. Some nights he’s tired, some nights tipsy, sometimes his stomach or head hurts. He has also said that once we have sex, his preference is to have sex every time we see each other. I’m very confused about the whole thing.
A few weeks ago, I shared some very private things with him about some insecurities I have with sex. I told him that I’m struggling because I feel unwanted, and explained why I feel that way. It was a great talk and his responses were understanding, but then nothing changed after that.
This weekend I asked him whether he considers me to be his girlfriend yet. He said no. I asked why, and he said it’s because we haven’t had sex yet. He then said that he’s "working on it" and he knows I’m ready. I asked what it was, and didn’t get a response. After that talk, I felt vulnerable and not great. It makes me want to pull away from him, and I’m considering ending things.
The other weird issue is that he’s never introduced a girl to his two best guy friends. When I ask why, he says it’s because it’s always "guys night" and he can’t bring a girl. That made no sense to me, and we had a couple disagreements about it. A couple weeks ago I found out that one of the guys was bringing a date to a few events. So I brought it up again, and got an invite to go. When I showed up on Friday, there was a third girl there who I later learned had slept with both his guy friends. She was flirting with my guy. She told me that she joins them a lot, so I feel misled. He says she shows up without an invite. They always go to the same place every week. I later learned that she’s going to be the female lead in a film he wrote and is acting in. The scene with her involves heavy flirting on a couch and then her leaning over to kiss him when the scene ends. No actual kiss, but I’m struggling with jealousy.
I just feel really confused about this whole thing. We see each other 2-3 days a week. We are traveling internationally together next month. He constantly tells me he’s glad he met me. He says that he only wants to see me and that he wants to be exclusive. But I feel undesired and confused. Any ideas?
50 comments posted: Monday, January 24th, 2022