Hello everyone! My DDay was yesterday. One year of crazy making...
We have been together 24 years at that time and our R had been through a lot of drama and trauma up to that point. My WH is a great guy. A person who you would meet and think that is the best thing that happened to humanity since sliced bread. But he has a dark side that I know oh too well. The beginning of our R was rocky to say the least. He hit me severely couple of times and I ended up in the hospital. He have never touched me since then (20 years)except to slap me with the back of his hand because I raised my voice to him in the car. That was 15 years ago. No physical abuse since then. Bare with me, I will get to the EA. He is a dark secretive person. We never had any accounts in common, because his privacy is the "thing that he cherish most". But because he never gave me any reason to suspect anything I NEVER checked on him...EVER. I have never feel loved, respected, cherished...etc. But I stayed because I have seen my mother stayed with my dad though all the abuse she endured at the hands of my dad.
In 2004 I had the courage to separate. My son and I moved in the guest house, and then later moved away in a beautiful apartment. I had a great job, and great life in the 4 years that we were separated. I was so happy and my son recalls the time as the best time of his life. I didn't have a romantic relationship with anyone throughout the whole 4 years. I didn't feel the need. I dedicated my time and energy to myself and my child so happy we escaped the emotional and verbal abuse of my WS. Not to mention his passive aggressive personality. Yes, he was coming by, take us out, had occasional sex, etc. But never in my right mind I would have come back to him...EVER!
I became a monster every time we were close. He brought out the worse in me.
Fast forward in 2008. Friday after work, my boss called me in the office to inform me that I was no longer employed with his company. Major shock!! That's another story, but the gesture was unmerited. The following Wed. as I was looking on line for a job, my phone rang and it was my mother. My dad had a stroke...I got dressed and got there as the ambulance was pulling out...later, in the ER...my mother had a heart attack....YES...all these incidents happened in the span of 5 days. My WH was there supportive as usual, and he was my rock through the 7 surgeries that they both endured. The model friend and companion!!
But, I had to face the fact that soon I would have no place to live. As I was making plans to put my stuff in storage and move in my mom apartment...here comes my knight and shining rescuer...yep, my WH.
I resisted, I refused but I gave in. Yes, I was now back in my house.
In the moment that all my stuff was in and he made sure that I had no place to go, the nightmare began.
The verbal and emotional abuse all over again.
Why am I writing all this?
Because after 6 months I cheated on him with a scum bag from work that told me all the right things, things I needed to hear at the time that I never got from him.
The affair lasted one month, and I slept with him once, after which I took loooooong loooooong showers.
But the impact on my husband was as he equals it now....the magnitude of the dinosaur's extinction.
I asked for forgiveness, to him and God. I did all the things that a cheating spouse supposed to do after, I open EVERYTHING, and to today, 5 years later...I have never ever gave him to slightest shadow of a doubt that I am doing anything wrong. I was the perfect wife. I acknowledged my fault and work hard to fix them. Had work, but I thought that I give it another shot, and I gave all I got.
Fast-forward 4 years later. The R was going OK, the usual emotional unavailability, the usual sarcasm, the usual having sex but not making love any longer...
Then I got a job offer as an executive at a local college with a compensation package equivalent to a boat load of money. I own my business, but it was going slow, so I sat him down and discuss the implications of me accepting the job...long hours, etc.
He encouraged me to take it, and assured me that he will take care of everything at home including my son. He is good at that, so I trusted him and got the job.
Yes, long, long hours, stress and pressure in the top of running the business, I was passing out every night of exhaustion..But I took care of all the bills, going out almost every evening for dinner, out of town tips, new clothes for him, sending money to his dad in LA...financial security. And he enjoyed every bit of it.
Emotionally, I have learned to live with him and accept his (what I know now) as emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation and his emotional unavailability. From time to time he will open a window, but I loved him.
After one year, my job satisfaction was poor, I could not change the things I wanted to change in the place, and my position suddenly required a doctorate. They offered to send me to school for free, or accept a 3 months executive package for leaving. I was so stretched, I choose the second. So I became the housewife again in addition to being self employed.
I suspected something is wrong when he became livid when I told him I resigned. Nevermind the fact tha I called him a gazillion times to ask him what to do, like any partner would do and he didn't answer the phone...
Few days later, as I was watching TV, my phone buzzed signaling I have a text.
I open my texts, and it was from him. He had gone to the bank and grocery sopping, so I opened the text...but it was not for me...it for the OW. Something to the effect that he cannot hear her any longer and he will call her latter.....along with I love you baby...and other love words
All in Spanish..
After confronting him, he told me it was a mistake, the phone company messed up and crossed over the texts, it happens...etc. In top of "You know I don't talk like this, what's wrong with you?"
I believed him..
But my gut was telling me otherwise....
Fast-forward 3 weeks later, something in me told me to call the phone company. He was going to the bank and grocery shopping every night, he was out for long bike trips, and sometimes upsent in the middle of the night, saying he went for a walk to clear his head..
What I discovered was the end of my life as I knew it...
Thousands of calls, texts and photos...I confronted him to the evidence but I got what some of you got 'JUST FRIENDS LINE".
There were not just friends..after I installed a key logger on my computer, he was talking about divorcing me...etc.
That was not the painful part, the painful part was that the man who couldn't meet my needs for 24 years, was the most romantic, attentive, charming, sweet person I had ever seen...
She was an old friend from high-school and they reunited when she opened a FB account. Later I found out that he was looking for her for 3 years. As I called one of the number on the endless phone log...and her voice came on, I knew exactly who she was!
What makes tis an EA is that she is 3000 miles away.
But they met...yes they did!
When he went for a convention, he did a detour in the town when she lived to visit his dad and brother who live in the same area.
He told me it was a highschool reunion and other people were there.
Later, as I access every account, I discovered that the EA intensified since they met and were talking about him possibly moving to that area. Leave his son, his house, his friends, his car racing hobby, his garage, and....yes ME.
She was single with three kids from three different marriages or relationships.
She didn't pursue him, he pursued her...heavily, obsessively until she gave in.
It was him....
She struggled with her conscience, as I could read from her correspondence, but on the very next email, or text, or FB, she sent him love notes of how much she looks forward seeing him when she comes to Miami.
9 days after DDay, he said he is going to visit some relatives in Orlando to 'clear his mind'. I reluctantly agreed. I had no options at this point. As he pulled out of our driveway, he turned his phone off, and had it of for the whole 5 days he was gone. I was OK until the second day one of his friends called to enquire about him and why his phone is off.
Then I went into shock...I thought I will die. I began to clean. I cleaned EVERYTHING in the house for 48 hours straight. I repainted the bedroom, I pressed the sheets, the dish rags and everything I could get my hands on. after I discovered that is an reflex reaction to get your sense of control back. I still do that from time to time.
Present time...yesterday was DDay anniversary. I never got an "im sorry" or a hint that he is trying to make our M work during this year. He is more guarded and private than ever.
He will play the victim every time I would bring up the subject of my needs. And yes, he would bring up my affair....over and over....I am tired!!!!!
I became the perfect wife, I changed everything about me that he said I was doing wrong. I took responsibility for my part. I bought books, I read, and read, and read some more. I am considerate of his feelings...I did everything in the book for him to feel secure!
But personally, I didn't receive anything in return.
Few days ago, I gave him an ultimatum.
Maybe is wrong, but I am fed up. Why???? Because I am really good on stuffing my feelings down a black hole, but now, those feeling are creeping up and came back to haunt me.
I became angry....real angry out of the blue...by whole body hurts, my stomach ulcers came back and I am an emotional wreck.
I can no longer stuff it down!!
I am becoming a ghost. I can't concentrate and have periods of amnesia. I make mistakes with my clients, and this has to stop!
I put my foot down and wrote him an email with my demands.
They are normal demands, like be a father to your son, spend time with us, SHOW US THAT YOU LOVE US!!!!!!!!!!
Now he goes to the gym 7 days a week, 3-4 hours a day. He is buffed and tanned. AND IS ALL ABOUT HIM....the responsible father, and home owner is gone. The house is falling apart, he has no money (he didn't get pd in 3 months) and our tenant is threatening to leave because he will not fix her AC. I can't talk to him, because he will turn it on me. It is never his fault, I am the screw up, he is always right, and he is a saint...
Anyway, you are probably curious what was his response to my demands...IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN...he said.
Im a bad saled person, he sad, I should have not send it to him like that...etc.
Then yesterday I am checking the phone bill on line.
His texts had increased and I confronted him right away...
The "you are spying on me again" line came out, he played the victim...etc..BUT...he is becoming nice, after...I told him that I am requesting the text record fron Sprint, and if is any woman there that he had been texting with, he is gone....
He is really nice, he gave some cockamamie explanation, but he is nice.....AND I KNOW HE IS LYING!!!!!
I did sent the request to Sprint, it takes 10 long days....maybe more.
Last night I got drunk.. feel so guilty! But I needed to vent!!!
More to come....
Any words of comfort, wisdom?
Sorry for making this so long...