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Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


BrainFreeze ( member #61754) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, October 29th, 2018

How long does it usually take before the wh is completely honest?

My wife would never have come clean except that I forced the issue by heading to the lawyer, and walking away. Which is why I still have doubts I guess. She has admitted to me that she had planned to take the memory of her kiss to the grave with her.

Other's have had different experience, with the wayward coming clean on their own accord.

I may be wrong, but I think that those doubts (do I have the whole story) will always be there. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel as if my wife is completely honest with me. She has told me things that I never would have found out, things I didn't know. But I still doubt her. Maybe in time, as my healing continues that will change... but I don't (can't??) see those doubts going away any time soon.

I know I did some double speak there... and no.. I'm not a politician... just a guy going through a bat shit crazy event..

BH 49, WW 47
Married 24 years, DS16,DD17

You all know.

posts: 973   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2017
id 8275147

Jenna2 ( new member #65781) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, October 31st, 2018

Sadismynewname, I'm so sorry to hear about your story. After 35 years! Is your H willing to end the contact with the Vietnamese girl? Did you ask him what he thinks their relationship is going?

Butforthegrace, my H strongly maintains that the OW is merely a good friend. For sure after 10 years how can she not be?! I do agree with you about the intention of the OW. He regrets that he demanded a private photo and she compiled. He was caught off guard when I asked if he ever saw her naked. After that, he would only answer questions in writing because he would have time to think about the answer. That is probably another reason why he doesn't want to discuss the affair. He doesn't want to give a wrong answer that will come back to haunt him.

Here's the update: I had my surgery done early this month and am depending on H a lot because I am immobile for a while. He is extremely attentive and treating me like a queen! Nothing to complain about. Only that I cannot bring up the affair because to him it was never an affair. He said he made a mistake of keeping a secret friendship. He is extremely sorry to have caused so much pain to me. That's all.

He said when we talked about the affair that brought me right in the rabbit hole. He was also affected as he tried to put the whole thing behind him. It doesn't help if I bring it up often. He is trying to deal with the temptation and his addiction. He is getting better and rarely thinks about the site and the women. He has deleted all the accounts when I caught him in March and have been in NC since. However he said he would not be surprised that this 40+ year old virgin will contact him sometime in the future. It might be Christmas. He promised to forward the message to me and I can then tell him how to respond or not respond at all.

I think I will give him another chance. Honestly, he is a great guy in all aspects other than this flaw and stupidity that lasted so long.

[This message edited by Jenna2 at 11:35 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

posts: 31   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Toronto, ON
id 8276386

layla1234 ( member #68851) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, November 15th, 2018

Ughhh, I struggle with this so much. My husband swears he was never physical, but it just doesn't make sense. All the red flags are there. New moves in the bedroom, fooling around in his car which we never did before. How do you figure out if it was a PA?

Married: 5-15-11
3 kids: ages 6, 3, and baby born in Sept.
D-day of EA with married COW:7-18-18

So much missing info from my story. I'm too exhausted to add it all. Divorce process started.

posts: 856   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2018
id 8285175

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:57 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2022


Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3877   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8770795

Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

I am new on here, I just found this thread but I noticed everyone is from 2018 is this still a thread to post on or did it move?

posts: 85   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8790615

Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 10:46 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

This is the place, this thread is "active." Sometimes the "I Can Relate" threads don’t get a lot of traction because they tend to be somewhat specific. If you want, depending on your circumstances, you could post in "Just Found Out" or "General." Those forums tend to get a lot more traffic.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 330   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8790726

Woody28 ( new member #83062) posted at 2:08 AM on Sunday, June 4th, 2023

Anyone have a WH who had an EA, which eventually turned PA? After six months of my WH having an EA with a married coworker, I told him to move out. I feel like by doing that. I just made it easier for it to become sexual. She had pursued and chased him all along, she had come onto him at the workplace indicating she wanted to have sex right then and there. He told her no that time. After he moved out, she was able to get him over to her place when her husband and daughter were not at home under the pretense of dinner and a movie. She basically undressed and exposed herself, and he gave in. I have a lot of self blame for making him move out because I feel like I just played into her scheme , and made it easy for the affair to become sexual. I’ve been told by therapists and others that it probably would’ve turned sexual anyway, but I don’t think he would’ve ever gone to her home. If we had still been living together. I beat myself up continually over this issue as well as many other issues that I wish I had handled differently.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Arkansas
id 8793802

Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 5:44 PM on Monday, June 5th, 2023

Woody28, I have read and seen so many of your post and I honestly feel like we are so similar in our process of our thoughts. Guilt is what I feel once my husband and the OW were exposed by me they took the affair straight to right in front if me. Meeting in his truck and at a hotel. I constantly blame myself for HIS actions like if I wouldn't have confronted him and her at his workplace they would never have met outside work or a hotel, but we can't blame ourselves I'm trying to learn that he did what he did because he wanted to and would have found a way regardless for me I never kicked him out, I should have but he went to a hotel anyway right in front of me. We had a fight and he called her up and met at a hotel so yes I destroy myself everyday thinking why why did I get involved should have just left him when I had a red flag something was wrong. Than as you know my story she just like your trash skank OW trying to say I harrased her these women are psycho. But our spouses choose to cheat and would have found a way regardless what we did or didn't do. Just like you though I do blame myself but we need to stop doing that it's nothing we did they are just broken and found someone to listen to their lies amd believe them. You and I have a lot in common for sure.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8793989

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

My husband had EA that eventually turned PA. I did not kick him out. I envy you the fact that you stood up for yourself. Yes maybe it made it more possible for your spouse to have sex. I went scorched earth private detective and did not let him out of my sight except when he was in the office. I found out seven years later that they were actually kissing IN THE OFFICE. So maybe by not kicking him out I prevented it from going full sex because they were too scared of getting caught in the office (doctor’s office). So they only had stolen moments for a couple minutes at a time when they thought no one would notice the door shut (it’s a very busy office with lots of other doctors and medical assistants). But my husband absolutely wanted to have sex. Every day for the 2.5 months the physical part was happening. They could only kiss in one of the rotating offices they used so it limited it to 1-2 times per week. Do you really feel like it is so much better for your spouse to have shared romantic kisses and second base over and over again while desperately wanting sex. It almost makes it more tantalizingly exciting. I feel like the actual sex part would make it less romantic and more gross and sordid. I guess I’m saying it’s a no win either way. If you had responded differently it wouldn’t have changed that it became physical—they will find a way. You just made their interaction less romantic and more sexual/scummy…so maybe that is a good thing. I’m trying to find a silver lining for you. Because, I find myself desperately dépendant on these silver linings: like "well at least they didn’t do XYZ….". I understand very much the feeling of wanting to go back and just change little things that would have made the damage so much less. I feel like the WS just view it as all one big mistake where the details don’t matter. But for the BS we know that every little incrementally bad behavior was an additional knife in the back and we are covered with wounds. It feels like just a few less wounds would make such a difference. That is probably not true, but it feels true anyway.

posts: 354   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8797227

BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 5:26 AM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023

To Woody28,

I beat myself up continually over this issue as well as many other issues that I wish I had handled differently

I've read your larger story in your profile.

Self-blame is part of what many betrayed spouses have to work through. Why didn't I notice sooner? What if I'd confronted differently, would I have gotten more truth sooner? Maybe I could have stopped it from getting so far if only I'd....

I also spent some mental energy just wishing I could go back in time for some sort of a redo.

It's all "magical thinking," and it's a waste of emotional energy.

It took me a while to come to grips with this simple fact: It all happened and nothing can change that it did.

Hot on the heels of that acceptance were these 2 thoughts:
1)He did all of this. At every turn, he chose those decisions and actions. He is someone capable of betraying me at this level and then lying and gaslighting me about it. There were "reasons," sure (his "whys" that he fully owned), but when the going gets tough for him or the right bait is dangled in front of him, he's capable of making decisions without empathy for me that will be super destructive.

2) Can I live with that?

I'm still waiting to see if my H can earn back my trust enough for me to stay.

I want to remind you that you asked your H to come back home, and he refused. He said he thought you needed more time apart. This set-up allowed him to go on those movie dates at her house. He had been treating this "friend" as a girlfriend for a long time already--secret talks and lunches, lots of emotionally-charged interactions. He knew full well he was putting himself in a situation where sex was a likely outcome--her house, alone, him living in his own apartment so you wouldn't know his comings and goings.

When you've wanted to blame her for her Jezebel behavior (and YES it was!), he reminds you that he is also to blame. Believe that.

He made vows to you. (Although she is a broken human being, she made no vows to stay faithful to you.)
He broke those vows over and over.

Forgive yourself. Lay the blame where it should be: on his shoulders. See if he can become a safe partner to you.

(((Hugs to you)))

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 471   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8797352

NiceGuysFinishLast ( new member #84558) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

My wife sleeps by herself with a fan on in the winter. I can`t do that.

But after a year or so of that, I found out why she clung to her cell phone in bed.

BUSTED! I caught her!She developed an online fling with another man. At least that is her story.This just happened. I confronted her, and grilled her. I got some answers. But not enough for now.

My blood pressure is high from this. My stomach hurts, and she just stares at the floor, as if she got cheated on


[This message edited by NiceGuysFinishLast at 4:10 AM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Heart Broken/ Confused Caught her possibly setting up a meeting with another man online.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2024   ·   location: Oregon
id 8827443

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 3:41 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

NiceGuys, you'll get more responses if you post in the Just Found Out forum. smile

Love needs action.
Trust needs proof.
Sorry needs change.

posts: 1181   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8827485
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