I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt, AnnikinSkywalker. I can totally relate.
My husband had an EA with a colleague that was conducted mostly on Skype and my printout of their chatlogs is hundreds of pages thick.
My husband spent a LOT of the time complaining about me. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with the sense of violation I felt, as I saw that every detail of my private home life had been shared with another person. Seeing the evidence of this worthless, immoral, self-centered woman actively encouraging my husband to trash my every action and make unfavorable comparisons between the two of us, just in order to feed her own ego devastated me at the time. I have still not come to terms with it and I am still upset, and often enraged, when I start to think about it.
Reading my husband's outpourings of love for another woman was incredibly painful. (Especially since he has never said anything of the sort to me.) I still cry sometimes, at the memory of it all.
One thing that I consoled myself with, however, was the thought that my husband spent a LOT of time talking about me! So even though he was heavily in the fog, and thought himself in love with OW, his focus was actually on his marriage and his wife. And OW was really just a channel for him to vent the misery he felt at the time and create some fantasy world that was perfect. It sounds as though your partner did something very similar.
I don't think that someone who had truly fallen for someone else would waste so much time talking about his other relationship, do you? So perhaps all your partner's complaining about you was a good sign.
My husband and I had one period of false reconciliation, but now I hope, and am almost ready to believe, that our reconciliation is for real.
As my counselor has pointed out many times, whatever he said at the time, he chose me. And, sicne her is a "former" it seems that your fWBF has done the same.
Even now, my husband is very reluctant to talk about his affair, and our marriage is by no means healed. On the bad days I still mentally go over the most hurtful things he said and wonder whether he regrets ever having married me. My husband does not want to talk about it all. From what I've read on SI and in Not 'Just Friends'
that's not good for the relationship. So if you and your partner can talk about his words and his actions, it would probably help.
One day recently, when we were talking in rather more depth than is usual for my husband, I did pluck up the courage to ask him why he had thought himself in love with OW. And he replied, apparently totally sincerely: "I was out of my mind." That gave me some comfort.
I am so sorry for your pain, AnnikinSkywalker. I hope that your partner will understand why his words have caused you so much pain, feel remorse, and work as hard as he needs to, in order to help you and your relationship heal from his betrayals. I wish you well.
[This message edited by Cally60 at 3:47 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]