SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I might just have to come to grips that being unhappy for the rest of my life is not worth staying on this ranch

Yup, that about sums it up.

It's hard AF to come to this. Hard AF!

But IME and from what I've read on SI, as you start to put your ducks in a row, you may also start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You CANNOT control your WH. You can't make him be honest. You can't make him stop cheating. You can't make him become empathetic, or to "get it" or to do "the work" or anything.

The ONLY thing you do control is yourself.

I can't remember if you've already talked to a lawyer, but if you haven't, now is the time (or yesterday was the time).

Figure out what your life w/o your WH will look like.

And get ready to walk your fine ass out the door.

So what if the ranch gets broken up? That is NOT because of you. It's bc your WH cheated. It's bc your WH refuses to show even a modicum of basic decency or respect. It's bc your WH continues to cheat and lie.

SI always says you must be ready to lose the M. And truer words cannot be said IMHO. It is still hard AF. Yet, the work we do to heal.... the work we do to get to a place where we are comfortable leaving the M, is work that will help for the rest of your life. You may ultimately decide to stay.... or not. I just know that IME, the "magic" is getting to the place where you know - in your bones - that you can walk tomorrow and be OK. It is liberating AF.

Juniper70, I read your post yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking about you.

The upside, you know and can now take your time and make rational decisions??? If that’s at all possible when someone is stomping on heart.

If I knew about STBXWH’s exit affair, there’s no way that I would have left my own home. I would have kicked him out.

I waited too long to seek legal advice.

Good luck and remember that we are thinking of you.

LadyG - I have talked to an attorney but have not put one on retainer yet.

I asked him to leave and go move in with her if that is what he wants - but he said he said that’s not what he wants and he isn’t going to - I am sure he is just trying to pacify me so I won’t file.

In a pretty big show of strength for me I did tell him that if he wants a relationship with her he will do it at her place that if I so much as get whiff that she had stepped one foot on this ranch I will file so fast it will make his head spin and we will sell if all - and I mean it😡

After all the blatant lies after catching them leaving the hotel I have reached the point of dropping the rope and letting go (finally -my therapist will be pleased with me). I am not going to track or snoop anymore. I am going to work on making myself a better person and get on with life for the next couple of years till my son graduates and then see where I am at then.

Thanks for the support and kind words. I haven’t told anyone what’s going on besides my therapist and it gets lonely dealing with this by myself. It is so hard still most days but slowly I am getting stronger

Hello my fellow Betrayed Womenz,

As you are aware Stbxwh is unwell and has once again told me that he is not going to give up on the idea of reconciliation. It’s the only thing that he says, keeps him going.

He wanted to understand why I am not giving him any hope. He confessed to catching up with exAP last December even though she’s in a new live in relationship with her new victim.

I ordered the book, Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim and had it shipped directly to him without any further discussion.

Apparently he read the book and although didn’t like the book, he has a minuscule understanding of what he has put me through. He complained that the book is too pessimistic.

I think he is crazy to even think that he is somehow miraculously going to fix things and prove himself to me.

In the meantime, I am receiving daily support from counselling as my depression has set in hard and refuses to budge an inch.

At the moment I take things a day at a time and focus purely on getting my mental health issues under control again.

My support person has had a similar experience with an equally abusive husband. Her abuse ended after 38 years, when her husband died. That was 8 years ago and her PTSD is not going away. I understand that I will be living with PTSD forever.

Thank you for listening and being her. 🙏🏼

LadyG?

I’m sorry your WH is so clueless.

My WH behaves the same

I read a really interesting phrase:

The Healing doesn’t start until the lying stops

Kind of profound

Hi Womenz!

Do you ever reflect on the events and have these epiphanies?

I wondered what the difference was between someone who is betrayed ( like us) versus women who aren’t?

Also why our spouses were the ones who cheated versus choosing to be a spouse who doesn’t

I think WE were/are strong enough to work through it.

Them? They aren’t

Too simple?

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 3:59 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Things not going well here, my husband seems far more concerned about what I’m not doing for him than the fact he’s still causing me pain. Not tolerating being treated like shit translates to I’m holding an unreasonable grudge. He’s barely talking to me today. I should enjoy the quiet but, it’s hard not to feel like he’s trying to punish me for not being his laundry bitch.

Hi 20,

I had a very strong and clear epiphany on Jan 5, 2019 that I would die that year and I did.

I had no idea that WH was several months into another A, but he was being an absolute C leading up to that day.

The problem with my abusive marriage, is that I have no idea what it feels like to not be cheated on as it was always part of my marriage.

I know that I posted about WH reading Cheating in a Nutshell but he is also now starting to listen to, Helping Couples Heal, podcasts. I sent him a link to one and he thought it was educational.

I have gone back to the website and I have listened to podcasts, 1-5 only as it’s emotionally draining for me.

I think in one of the podcasts it does define your life as a Before and After cheating. I have never ever had a before life.

Anyway, going back to the podcasts, which WH is so keen to now listen and learn from, WH identifies as an Addict.

Don’t know if the SA self identification will be used as an excuse for the cheating, but WH has at least made a tiny bit of progress.

I highly recommend the podcasts and if you are in a R limbo then I recommend it for the WH.

Oh IG,

I’m sorry your WH isn’t doing the work needed to help repair the damage

Omg ladies, I came here to be petty!

Me and my business are mentioned in an onlinew newspaper article, of a newspaper that pretty much everyone in my country checks daily.

Can you imagine my exdouche's face when he goes to check updates on the covid situation, just to find my face plastered on his screen? LOL!!!

I know, I know indifference and everything but I'm not there yet and I just wanna bask in this pettiness

Can you imagine his family and friends mailing him the article to let him know? I love thiss. Him seeing me thrive after I dumped his ass!

[This message edited by Hedwig at 3:01 PM, May 24th (Monday)]

Hedwig that isn't petty - that is awesome!

Hedwig, congratulations! It’s great that you can hold your head up high.

A win for you is a win for all of us.

I really don’t know what to make of WH right now.

He is a little less defensive of his behaviour and his exAP. I did point out to him that catching up with, let’s call her the Monkey is a betrayal and considered cheating.

I explained the term, Monkey Branching to him, once again and now he gets it.

The betrayal in December not only involves me but the Monkeys new victim.

I asked WH whether the Monkey has a grip of both branches now.

What if the new Victim were to discover that they had met up. I asked WH to imagine being that poor sucker. I wonder what lies she told him about where she had been. Apparently the new victim has contributed financially to fixing up the house he now shares with the Monkey.

Imagine that I were a vindictive person or even a concerned person and informed the victim of the meeting. The monkeys world could just come crashing down around her.

Not so smug now little monkey. I am so tempted to shake her branch. I am sure to hear about it as exAP would be on the phone to WH immediately.

Oh, Karma couldn’t come sooner.

Agree!

That’s awesome Hedwig!!!

I am sitting on my couch teary eyed with the pup lying on me. I am separated, almost the owner of my house, and alone.

I am not feeling on top of the world today. I hope that comes to be.

I am where I planned to be. Just not emotionally.

(((TG)))

It'll feel weird for a while. Just be kind to yourself!

Hey Tallgirl - it going to be OK. Be gentle with yourself.

Hey TG. I'm not trying to be rah-rah zippidy doo dah here but....

...to emerge as the fully-realized badass that you are, you actually have to emerge *from* someplace.

IOW - you are doing what you're supposed to do. Heading right into it and feeling like shit. Not going around it. Not trying to shortcut it. Not trying to force it. Letting it do its thing.

When you get healed, you will really be healed. You're doing it for reals girlfriend.

(Be just as puny as you need)

(((TG)))

Be nice to yourself, you’re recovering from trauma

You’ll be such a badass, I just know it!

Thanks ladies. I appreciate it. Knowing it is coming and being in it are two very different things

Just a bit of a brain dump. Not entirely sure how I'm doing? While DDay was 18 months ago, last contact with the ex was 6 months ago after he reached out to try and reconnect but it was clear he hadn’t done the work I would have needed him to do in order to even consider opening the door to reconciliation.

Prior to that reach out, I’d been NC for about 4 months. I feel like I was doing so much better during those 4 months than I have been doing this last 6 months. He is completely blocked on all social media, as are any of his friends/family (I pretty much did that within a month of DDay) so I have no idea what he is doing and he has no idea what I am doing. I don’t even have any contact with his kids anymore. I think that might be the difference from last NC - during that time I was still in communication with / seeing his kids. For a variety of reasons, I’m not now and that makes me super sad but I know it’s the right thing to do for the time being.

I just keep thinking that life should be better. That I should be in a better place emotionally. I know I want a partner in life but the thought of dating again makes me want to throw up.

I have lots of super fun plans, fun trips coming up, I have a lot to look forward to, and logically I know I am in a MUCH better place, I really do. I'm making new friends, I'm starting to enjoy living in the city. But the relationship is always in the back of my mind. Not actively, but it's there. I still wish he would reach out. Isn't that daft??? I feel myself resorting to some bad coping habits, such as overeating and extremely low motivation to do anything. I think this is also triggered by current situation.....

....which is being in UK with my family. It's been lovely seeing everyone but I'm also seeing some very strong FOO issues which I have been aware of, but which, now, through the lens of having experienced infidelity and through the readings / learnings of this site, seem to be way more pronounced. Also my parents house is VERY small and there are four grown ups living here at the moment (me, parents, brother - and relationship with brother is extremely dysfunctional, everyone walks on eggshells around him). It is claustrophobic. And I feel guilty for feeling like I should be enjoying myself more. Feeling guilty for the fact that my parents are out of town for a few days and I'm glad about that.

<sigh> More self awareness and a desire for self improvement seems to have made me more sensitive to my own FOO issues now, and, well, while I know longer term it's for the good, right now it just feels sucky. Fortunately, even though I'm away, I've managed to get some time with my therapist tomorrow while my parents are away for a few days.