Hey All,
Thanks again for the advice. Especially appreciate what you said Unhinged.
I definitely do not take any blame or look at my actions as justification for her cheating. I made it very clear to her that I no longer want to hear about how "my drinking negated all the positive things I did for her in the last 10 months." Or how "most of our pictures happened when you were downstairs gaming". It passively puts blame on me, and even our MC said we both played a part in having a bad marriage, but my wife can't use my actions to justify cheating.
A brief update, and thanks to Hellcat for pushing on the polygraph/written timeline of events. Since I put that scenario in her face I learned a lot of new things. I think her avoidance issues made it hard to pinpoint exact dates so she gave like general timelines of when things progressed. So here it is
- Her ex, the AP, reached out on Instagram in early June (her original story was September), he began immediately hitting on her and going over a "what if" scenario between them. (I saw this through screenshots on her phone yesterday, that for some reason she never deleted. I honestly think she forgot about them because she got an "Oh shit" look on her face when I discovered them) He also immediately brought about a taboo situation of them even talking because his wife would be mad and quickly created a fantasy world between them.
- She wound up sending her first picture to him that night of her in pajamas
- They began talking a few weeks later and he was more aggressive about getting her to buy into the fantasy situation he started/forming a bond on shared interests/sending more pictures. She obviously reciprocated a lot but it sounded like mostly him being the initiator early on.
- She admitted that she would frequently say to him how unhappy she was with our marriage and reveal my drinking issues when I was in the basement playing games/drinking.
- The first very taboo picture (her in underwear) came late August, which was messed up for me because that night was the first time in 7 years she asked me for sex without any coersion on my end. Its also messed up because it happened at my parents summer home. There were definitely pictures sent in between June/August though, just not as scantaly clad on her end.
- There was a frequent cycle between September-December of him building up a taboo friendship/emotional support and then pushing more and more riske sexting/pictures. Again I am sure she did her part in the exchange, I just got the feeling that he was much more the aggressor in this. To be honest, when she was describing what happened, I was immediately thinking of classic grooming techniques that online predators use.
- The sexting and pictures became very frequent since early December and got more very frequent in April (to the point that is pretty much all he wanted from her was to share/recieve nude pictures).
- We went through her phone and I saw some pictures along with videos she took for AP (she was obviously very drunk) of her touching herself in January. Even though it sucked to see, something in the look on her face made me realize that she was just escaping. I didn't recognize my real wife at all in those videos. And it made me realize I really don't want the type of attention she gave him, because it isn't genuine love. I think this was also the first time I really felt that everything we were is dead and being around her at that moment felt like a different relationship.
- I also saw a timestamp on her instagram logs of when she blocked his wife, it was around the same time she said his wife reached out to her about seeing my message revealing the A. Again, I never got a "seen" notification on my end, but its very possible she read my message on a social monitoring app, as she has an online business. I have deleted the message on my end to the AP's wife, but I did not block her, so she can view the message at any time. However, in my mindset the AP and his wife are out of sight and out of mind until I notice something off again.
- I also saw a Instagram timestamp of her blocking the AP on DDay. So, again, not 100% certain there hasn't been other communication, but at least I know his main account on instagram has been blocked the entire time.
- She also admitted a bunch of things over the last 5 days. Including being raped as her first time sex experience, and being molested several times as a child. She was also frequently teased by classmates as being a whore in high school (even though she only slept with boyfriends, not including the rape). Which might help explain her low sex drive since we've met. She also said she has a hard time saying no to men's sexual requests which I think could be related to these moments. Definitely something for her to work out in therapy, but I would have interacted with her way different in our marriage if I knew this happened sooner.
- Another thing she admitted is that she fell out of love with me since our marriage, when my drinking began to really spike. She likes how I've been since I quit drinking, but we both admitted genuine love isnt there yet. I love her in a way that I want to help her out and protect her, but I don't think I have the approrpiate love on my end that a husband should. So we need to navigate that and figure out if we can learn to love each other again. I also said I am not having sex with her again until genuine love is there.
I feel I have a good understanding of everything. That being said I am still doing the polygraph, and I am not dropping the condition that if she is caught lieing then I am done. Shes worried that she won't remember something or her nerves will effect the results, but I've done enough research to assure her that nerves are accounted for. Also I revealed (and I felt this was okay because the information is available online) that I cannot ask questions of her emotions or moments she was impared by alcohol. So I am confident that if a lie is discovered its because she is lieing.
[This message edited by Tav3n at 3:47 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]