Tav3n
You make one statement in the very title of your thread that is probably making most (if not all) veteran posters here shake their heads. That’s when you claim that you contributed to her affair.
Friend – in the kindest of ways and totally 100% with the intent of helping you forward as a couple and/or as individuals…
No. Nothing you did or did not do made her decision to have an affair.
To use a comparison: It’s like you went to a bar, had maybe a drink or two too much and even accepted a drink from the new "friend" you never met before and have never seen before. Only to wake up next morning in an alley with your pants on your heels and feeling sore from being raped. If that happened to you chances are you would be filled with questions like why did you go there, why did you have that third shot, why did you talk to the guy, why did you accept that drink, why didn’t you fight back…
In reality – having an expectation of going out and having a good time and NOT being raped is normal. There is nothing wrong or stupid about that expectation. Just like there is nothing naïve, wrong or stupid in an expectation of fidelity in a monogamous marriage.
The self-doubt, self-guilt and all that is also well-known to rape victims – as it is with betrayed spouses. Yes – you could have been more careful with your drink/marriage, but still doesn’t justify rape/infidelity.
It might help you if you think of a close female friend or relative – like what if your 22 year old niece was raped. Would you be questioning her why she wore that cocktail-dress, why she walked across the car-park to her ride home or why she wasn’t all bruised from fighting off the aggressor? Or would you be supporting her and convincing her that she was a victim?
Yes – your drinking and gaming and all that contributed to a bad marriage. Even if you and your wife make it past the affair, and even if you are off the booze for life… there will come spells where your marriage isn’t ideal. Would you deciding to take a long weekend to go fishing with your friends contribute and justify to your wife’s response to go make out with the man next door? Or would it be OK for you to get a BJ from a hooker because your marriage is having a sexual draught?
I want to make a suggestion on now to progress. Now – this is based on you wanting to reconcile. If I’m off here then divorce is easy. You just tell your wife "Sorry, but I don’t want this marriage anymore. There are laws in place that more-or-less dictate divorce and if we are sensible and logical we can get this over with in a few months" and then you just start the process.
If you want to reconcile – this is how I would suggest you go ahead:
First of all fully grasp two basic concepts:
The ONLY reason you are married is because you want to be married. That applies both ways. NOBODY and NOTHING is keeping you in the marriage other than what you want. Everything – EVERYTHING else like the house, cars, friends… is an excuse. There are processes that deal with that and millions of people have left marriages and yet successfully coparented, managed financially and moved on to good lives. NOTHING is forcing you to be married, and NOTHING is forcing her to be married to you.
IMHO understanding the voulnerability of marriage is a key to a good marriage.
The second concept is that you can only reconcile from the truth.
This is so important and IMHO the stumbling block that wrecks more marriages than the affair itself.
Learning NOW that it was physical, learning NOW about that they met 4x and had sex or whatever… is going to be easier long-term than thinking they never met and then learning 5 months from now that they actually shared a coffee at the Mall. Get it? Major truths will lessen compared to minor truths kept hidden.
This is because right now trust is minimal. In a few months there should at least be some base or willingness for some form of trust. A break in that trust is like blowing on a house of cards when you already have 4 levels up.
OK – with that in mind IMHO your best bet is telling your wife something like:
"Wife. I always envisioned a life with you. Your affair has struck at the very base of what I expected and made me question what I want. I truly want for us to move on and reconcile, but I have also realized a couple of things:
There are behaviors and actions I need to change, but NONE OF THEM in any way or form justify or minimize your DECISSION to have an affair. If you aren’t happy with me you can talk to me about it, and if I don’t change you can divorce. Deciding to have an affair is totally not acceptable. I acknowledge my share in the marital issues but refuse to accept an iota of blame for your decision to have an affair.
Although I always envisioned you as my wife and am willing to work towards reconciliation I have had an epiphany: Not having you as my wife is not the worst outcome of this situation. The WORST outcome would be to think you are my wife, but in reality be sharing you with someone else. I don’t share my wife. I would rather not have you as my wife than discover I’m sharing you. Divorce is the lesser of two evils if you aren’t willing to be in a monogamous relationship with me.
There is nothing wrong in you not wanting to be married to me. If you aren’t willing to commit to monogamy then it’s totally fine that we divorce. It’s not what I want – but this marriage has to be what BOTH of us want.
Be clear on that: You CAN end this marriage. The ONLY reason you want to be here with me has to be because you want ME as your husband.
If you want this marriage you need to tell me so. No if’s and buts. It’s a straight yes or no answer.
I’m willing to work on changing things in myself, but I need the same commitment from you so you understand how wrong your decision to have an affair was, and so I feel assured you will react differently if you are mentally in the same space as then.
One thing I require is total and absolute truth. At the moment I have no trust in you, and that needs to be rebuilt. I need to know what happened to the level of detail I need. I can understand that you might fear the truth might end my will to reconcile so I will commit to this: Tell me the truth and we verify it in any way we can (including a poly if I feel I need that) and I will commit to 30 days of trying to reconcile.
Just be aware that if you keep a secret it will either come out and cause more damage then, or will fester in you and prevent us from ever being happy.
It’s your call. As I said – I would prefer reconciling, but I would chose divorce over infidelity any day."
Unless and until she tells you she wants the marriage – simply assume she doesn’t. It’s really that simple.
If she doesn’t want the marriage then it’s equally simple that the path out is divorce. So until and unless she let’s you know what she wants simply assume that eventually you will file, and start the process of organizing your finances, listing assets and debts, canceling joint cards and so on. No rush – you don’t need to wait 3 minutes for an answer and then file. But just understand and accept that to move forwards you both need commitment.
Finally – Although you aren’t accountable for her infidelity you are accountable for your actions. Sobriety is a major step and I seriously suggest you look into your drinking. Do you think you are an alcoholic or did you "simply" have an unhealthy drinking pattern? Seriously think of committing to AT LEAST 12 months of sobriety, and offer your wife that you can take a breathalyzer or sobriety test when and if she wants. I seriously – seriously – SERIOUSLY suggest you two look into counseling for codependency and negative-pattern relationships. (That negative pattern tends to be substance abuse).
Regarding the OMW… IMHO it’s fine to wait for now. The OMW and possible sexual content the OM might have of your wife are IMHO issues that can be dealt with later on in this process.