SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure I’ve posted this in the correct place. It’s been over a year now since finding about the affair and a lot has happened. I’m waiting to see a new therapist to work through a lot of the trauma I’ve been left with. But one thing keeps playing on my mind and I wondered if anyone else had this experience? So in the mix of the affair. My Ex would say to me things like, ‘do you think I spend all day with her I’m at work’ ‘do you think I leave my phone in the van and she picks me up?’ Now at the time I didn’t realise that the things he was saying where actually kind of confessions of what was happening. But he was making it seem like silly things that I was imagining. I’m guessing this was him gaslighting me?
This is something I will talk about to a therapist but wanted to know you guys thoughts and if this is a common experience for a betrayer spouse to experience?
Thanks

If his goal was to turn your accurate suspicions about what was really going on into you just being unreasonable/crazy/paranoid, then yes, that's gaslighting. It undermines your trust in your own ability to perceive reality, such that you try to suppress the suspicions, and he can get away with continuing the behavior you're suspicious of. It's even more evil than straight dishonesty.

It's a really horrible thing to experience, and I'm sorry you went through it. I hope your therapist will be helpful with processing that and aid your healing.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:53 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I think the term is used too often and thrown around too casually. Gaslighting is a prolonged, deliberate and malicious effort to literally manipulate someone into believing that they are insane.

Lying, obfuscation, deflection and minimizing are an effort to avoid truth and its consequences. They're defenceman mechanisms and, often enough, manipulation tools.

If the goal is to get you to doubt yourself and your sanity then is gaslighting.

The whole thing is manipulation into convincing the other person they are not stable, paranoid and must be imagining things.

(In The case of betrayal)

Thank you for your advice. He did indeed convince me I was mentally unstable to a point I’ve attend my doctors surgery multiple times to be medicated because I thought I was cracking up. He would also tell family that I had mental health issues or our relationship was breaking down because I didn’t know what I wanted!
When I look back now some of the things that were said to me and somethings that were done to me were so so cruel. And I can’t actually believe I’ve accepted to be treated in such away x

It was gaslighting. No doubt.

It was a calculated plan to destroy your credibility and sanity.

There is an old adage - If you have to ask, you already know.

I think that applies here.

Let’s call it what it is. It is emotional abuse. For some reason we try to pretty up the horror inflicted on people. It.is.abuse. Simple. Do not let anyone tell you to just let things go.

For some reason I have recently gotten way angrier on here. It is because of things like this.

People who go after your sense of self are toads. I hope you decide you are better than him and open your hands and let him go. What a waste of oxygen.

Yes its definitely gaslighting been put through this myself and its awful 🫂

Way too many people equate gaslighting with simply "lying"

No, it is far worse.

The lying is just the start. First they lie to you and about you and then they call you crazy for believing in the truth. AND, in my case, adulterous spouse worked hard to successfully convince friends and family that I was delusional and insane just to preserve her reputation and avoid facing the truth about her own deep character defects and any consequences for her actions. Cheated AND deliberately lied about it to the extent that I faced involuntary commitment.

PaperCoversRock

That is just awful. I am so sorry that happened to you.