Living in an alternate reality
Marriage reconciliation score as of 2 days ago: 8/10
Marriage reconciliation score as of today: 2/10
I actually don't think I know who I married.
We've been married for 26 years, happily for the most part. Definitely best friends and good partners. Marriage was pretty easy for us.
8 months ago I found out. Then 5 months of trickle truths, gaslighting and DARVO.
Just friends > we did have a connection > I never had chemistry with you > yes we did sext and send photos but no touch > I actually fell in love with him but it was never physical > finding emails and notes that proved they had had sex dozens of times over an 18 month period > finding out she was still ruminating on old snapchats until 2 months ago.
They are no contact, I have access to her phone and location, and her behavior shows me she's actually recommitting.
Despite all the trickle truths and lies, we've been working on our communication, going to bible studies and small groups, we both have individual counselors, and we've been intentional towards each other. This has definitely helped, especially with being able to work my way out from spiraling, and Lord knows I needed that.
Here's why things went off a cliff for me and I'd love to get some feedback because my head is still spinning.
We had marriage counseling today (it's been a couple of months due to schedules) so last night we had a brief conversation about what we were going to talk about.
I asked my wife if all the things she complained about our marriage prior to the affair still felt true to her now that we're 8 months out.
Whenever I'd discover something about the affair, I'd get some version of 'we had no chemistry, we never had deep conversations, we were just roommates, we never kissed, we weren't connected...' This bothered me a lot initially then I realized that while some of it was certainly true, not all of it was. I took the parts I knew to be true and owned up to them, and started working on them. Work on yourself, so to speak.
So when she told me that they were all still true, I asked her specifically what she meant by no chemistry. She told me 'Imagine a lady at your job or somewhere that you think is pretty, smart, funny and fun to hang around but you have no desire to sleep with them'. That's how I felt about you. I've always felt that way about you, before we got married. You checked every other box so you were perfect except for that one thing and I just accepted that I might not ever have that feeling.
I believed for more than 25 years that my wife loved me and actually desired me. If I had known that she didn't desire me I would have never married her. Why would I marry someone that doesn't love me the way I love them?
She says that she does love me and she knows what she said hurts me but she didn't want to lie to me anymore. She wants to build chemistry with me and we should keep working towards that. HOW is that chemistry just going to be built if you didn't have it ever with me in 26 years? And if it doesn't happen, are you just going to be a sacrificial spouse and 'let' me have sex with you despite zero desire? Why would I ever want that. It's a complete turn off.
I don't know what to do. I want this to work out so bad but this revelation has broken my brain yet again. I'd love for someone to tell me this is fixable.
14 comments posted: Saturday, July 25th, 2026
Sanity Check Needed Please
I'd like everyone's feedback, betrayed, betrayer, etc. Please let me know which one you are just as a reference and context. You'll get no hate from me.
WW and I are on the road to reconciliation (26 year marriage - 18 month emotional and physical affair), despite 7 months of lies and trickle truths since Dday Nov 25. She had been looking at old texts and photos she'd saved but finally deleted all those a week ago because she knows it's holding her back from moving forward. She told me about this so I didn't have to find out like the other times.
Sucks to hear, but overall I think a positive move on her part.
Everything I'm SEEING shows she's doing the right things, being more intentional, working with her therapist on reducing her lingering attachment to her AP, going no contact, and sharing her location with me. I've asked her if there's been any communication since no contact and she's adamant there's been zero since Jan.
Yesterday she left the house to run to the store and left her laptop open. I haven't gone detective mode in a while but something told me to check her history. Nothing of note but there were some links to her linkedin account so i clicked them and saw that it was a page that shows who has been looking at your profile, and sure enough HE was there.
I did not find any evidence of conversations with him, no linkedin connection exists, but he definitely was checking out her page, which has really nothing on it.
My first instinct is that the only reason you'd go there would be to message someone, because you can't do it from your own message area if you don't have a connection. However, I have no evidence so I'm not going to chase imaginary rabbits.
What I did do was request a connection with her myself.
I sent it, then sent her a text saying 'hey babe, I sent you a connection request for linkedin :)'
She replied back 'ok, glad you told me. I never check LinkedIn'.
That's the part I'm having an issue in my head with: I KNOW you check LinkedIn because I saw your browser history. I KNOW you saw that HE was looking at your profile, but you didn't mention it and then you lied about never checking LinkedIn.
I need a bit of grounding from some rational people on this. I know if I read it back, it seems evident something is happening but I might be too close to the subject.
I'd love to hear how you would handle this. I feel like we're making such great progress, but...
26 comments posted: Sunday, June 14th, 2026
