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It's been a long while since I've posted, but had one of the biggest triggers since I've healed. It's been years, but this one pushed me right over the edge.
Fww and I have been comfortable for years. Probably not true R by most definitions but mostly and usually cordial. Then a sucker punch...
My fww fancied arrogant and domineering men, which I am the complete opposite. I was always the nonconfrontational one almost to the point of being cowardly because she never stopped them and seemingly was having fun so my intervention seemed pointless as she didn't want me to intervene. A few years after d-day something changed with me and I made it perfectly clear that I would never put my tail between my legs ever again. I haven't always cared for her behavior around other men since, but I was usually able to arrive at the conclusion it was just her personality and nothing to worry about. She works around a lot of other guys and there is one in particular that I just don't trust. I'll keep out the other details, but I came across some video footage of him talking some serious smack. I don't think anything happened, but when I confronted fww she said I was over reacting and he was just joking. I went full tilt off the rails and wanted to go to her work and confront him directly and "let the cards fall where they may". It was her reaction to mine that made me trigger so hard. She started defending him and said it was sweet that I wanted to defend her. That's not it though. She didn't want to confront him as if that was welcomed behavior. When I explained that his actions were disrespectful to me, she got pissed. That in turn made my blood boil and I explained why. She's still pissed at me because I triggered and believes my hurt feelings were unwarranted. She was trying to reassure me that there is nothing going on between them but I told her that it was her accepting behavior to his behavior and her protecting him instead of me that hurt. She doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being an ass. I told her that I will never be a coward to another man that wants to talk smack. I'd rather he send me to ER than turn my back. She stopped talking to me.

Am I off my rocker?

You are not alone in your thoughts. Your wife has disrespected you for many years.

That’s the black and white of your situation.

You don’t need to confront her work colleague. Your wife is the one that needs to change. Change her attitude in how she lets other men talk to her, interact with her and thus, stop allowing herself to be "used" for their "jokes" or innuendo.

I can share that my H was always a bit flirty with other women, even in front of me. It was always very harmless but I learned how other women were "interested" because he listened and joked around etc. It was never inappropriate but people genuinely like him.

However when he started cheating I realized MY mistake (same as you). It was no longer tolerated but of course I became "the crazy jealous wife" blah blah blah.

I don’t have a solution for you to get your wife to see your point of view. I got my H to see mine because during his last affair I kicked him out and told him I was D him. I had enough of the disrespect + lying + cheating.

It wasn’t idle talk. I meant every word.

Long story short he realized his mistakes and the disrespect he showed me. He made some significant changes and we are very happily reconciled.

In short order at the time if dday2 I did the hard 180, emotionally detached and started my own social life (he was not invited). I have my own $ and put myself first every day.

My H knows there are no more chances and I can (and will) walk out the door in a heartbeat. He also knows he caused me to become this person.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:42 PM, Friday, December 5th]

Thank you for the reply. I had a very similar conversation with my fww a couple of years after dday. We didn't separate, but I did let her know then that she needed to make a stay/go decision because I was so sick of it. I told her there will never be a second chance. She knew I meant it and it scared her.

As time went on, she became more complacent as if to misinterpret my kindness for tolerance. It probably sounds stupid, but I think the nicer I was, the more selfish she became.

We talked about it again for just a little bit and she was playing the victim card. I was as nice as I could be, but told her it brought up too many old rotten feelings and it hurt me to my core. I explained that I will never ever live that life again. She cried because it made her feel like I would never believe or trust her ever again. Since dday, I've always been honest and told her that I don't know if I will ever be able to.

I'm not sure how to move forward. She has said she is not interested in MC because she didn't think it helped us. I've never been to IC, but I kinda feel like I need someone to talk to about this. The only people that know are a few of her friends and those with the unspeakable knowledge.

I have my own $ and put myself first every day

Maybe it's time I go to IC and stop trying to protect her and try being a little more kind to myself. Maybe it's about time my adult children know too.

Maybe it's time I go to IC and stop trying to protect her and try being a little more kind to myself. Maybe it's about time my adult children know too.

No 'maybe' about being kinder to yourself. if you can find a good IC.

I am sorry you have to deal with this crap. I have no advice, but your reaction seems pretty natural to me.

Maybe it's time I go to IC and stop trying to protect her and try being a little more kind to myself.

I think this is the best choice possible. No need to tell your adult kids anything until or unless you decide to D or separate. But that is just my opinion.

But think about how much healing could occur when you don’t put her feelings first or the marriage first. You won’t feel guilty or question yourself - you hopefully will become more confident in the decisions and choices you make for yourself.

It definitely worked for me. Not only in my healing but in my confidence in myself. Game changer.

IC is an excellent idea. I recommend someone who does EMDR.

I think after a while many fWPs become complacent and can start taking the relationship for granted. I don't think most understand that the betrayal is not something the BP will ever fully get over. We just learn to live with it. fWPs seem to be able to fully put it behind them. They don't think about it. It only affects their lives as it affects their BP.

I had an incident with my H a year or so ago after being in R for 9 or 10 years. A young woman at his gym contacted me and asked what my H would like for his birthday. I didn't know this woman at all. I had never met her or anyone else at his gym.

I asked my H about it and found out that the coach would partner my H with her almost all the time. They both like to compete and my H is really good at pushing and encouraging people. This woman had come to rely on my H for that support and wanted to show her appreciation on his birthday with a little celebration at the gym. He said they do it for everyone. The problem was that this woman was just another member, not an employee of the gym, and she was the one doing everything for my H.

I told my H it was too much and had to stop. I insisted he tell the coaches he wouldn't partner with her or any woman anymore. He immediately complied with my wishes.

We talked about it for a few days. He said he thought we were at a good enough point that it would be ok. I told him we would never be that ok again. He gave up any right to have any kind of one on one relationship with any other woman while still married to me when he cheated.

I knew he wasn't cheating again or trying to cheat or probably even flirting. He's always been clueless. I think it just didn't occur to him that I would have a problem with it.

(To give some context, he goes a crossfit gym. All they do are classes with a coach. It's not a regular gym like Gold's where random people are milling around doing their own workouts. Every Saturday they do partner workouts. My H and this woman were also both part of the competition club. So, they were partnered together on Saturdays most of the time.)

The part about your story that concerns me is that your W defended this other guy and dismissed you. She should always have your back over everyone else no matter what. Also, if she doesn't demand respect from men, she needs to work on that. There is something wrong with her self-esteem and/or character if she allows people to disrespect her. Has she done any IC? IC needs to be done by the WP before MC is even considered.