Lisanne1996 (original poster new member #69902) posted at 6:19 AM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
Hi!
53 years old- married 30 years .. I am sure i am dealing with a serial cheater ..Hr has been involved in an affair with my former bestfriend for 10 years.. stupidly I stuck around hoping he would eventually choose me and his kids :(
Now he says he wants a divorce because- I told the kids about his latest weekend of cheating.. I am turning the kids against him he says- although he did that all by himself…
I am done with this.. I love this man since I was 21… but I don’t deserve this.. she the former bff or whoever can him.. he will never stop lying or cheating so good luck…
I married him thinking he would be a good father turns out he is a terrible father because men don’t treat their wives and kids like disposable trash…
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:55 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
Infidelity is so incredibly painful - and that's an understatement, If your WH says there's no path forward, then believe him. Implement the 180 to begin to have some emotional distance.
You're not turning the kids against him. He's doing that all by himself. My kids are adults and I told them it was up to them to maintain their relationship with their dad. They don't really want a relationship with him because he's an a-hole.
Did you hear about the guy who was hiking, a boulder rolled over his arm and trapped him, then he amputated his arm to save his life? (There's a book but I haven't read it.) Sometimes you have to do some horribly painful things to save your life. As painful as it may be, you may need to let go of the relationship in order to save yourself.
You're only 53. How do you want to live for the next 20-30 years?
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
12many24give ( new member #84942) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
Oh boy, I can related to the ex-bff being the AP and all of the pain, anger and betrayals that come with such a double-betrayal.
It is so much to endure and waiting for him to "see the light" and pick you isn't working. I have been waiting to be "picked" for 35 years. It is lonely and in the end, I wasn't "picked" until I was walking out the door.
The 180 article is really a great "manual" for how to achieve personal integrity, confidence, structure, and safety in your own space and life. When you are finially able to let go of WH and his AP, then you are allowing yourself room to grow and breathe. For some reason, seeing me strong triggered in WH a guilt or shame that made him realize I was not going to stick around for anymore of the games he plays. It IS scary to do. Once implemented, it is very freeing.
I will say 10 yrs is a long time to wait to be chosen. When you can choose "you" is when you may feel better. You ARE worthy of respect and real love. Noone telling you what we see from the outside will hit home with us. Our motivation and belief in our worth must come from within. I hope you find your strength to do the 180, in whatever form that works for you. Take baby steps towards your freedom. You ARE worth all of your efforts to be seen and heard, and you do not deserve such emotional abuse. How they think what they are doing is okay or moral, well... it is beyond me. And, the business of trying to blame you for turning the kids against him is just another lie he lives within to help himself avoid the truth that he is a coward and can't admit that HE already created the deep divide that put his kids far away on the back-burner so HE could selfishly play around and pretend he is single and without responsibilities. HE destroyed his own relationships with his children, just as he destroyed the marriage... give him back ALL that he OWNS and try not to carry HIS shame for him. Let him own it, roll around in it and live in the stink of his imaginary integrity.
BW (60), married 37yrs,DD1 (1996, LT-PA with my best friend), DD2 (2009, with disclosure of 5 more LT-PA over entire 37 yrs) corn and attempting R since sept 2024.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
Now he says he wants a divorce because- I told the kids about his latest weekend of cheating.. I am turning the kids against him he says- although he did that all by himself…
I would give him that divorce ASAP. Nothing like using DARVO to avoid accountability 
sounds like a narcissist to me. I gave my xWS a D too. Now he is crying that I broke up the family 
You deserve a better life and it is better. I have been free from my xWS for 4 years now and it is heaven. He still talks about me to the kids hoping I will come to my senses ain't gonna happen!
Start the 180, see a lawyer, start detaching (which I'm sure you already are naturally with hearing this crap from him). You will be more than ok you will thrive!
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:57 PM, Friday, February 7th]
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:15 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
Why would he want MC if he doesn't want to stay married? (I'm assuming he meant MC and not IC.)
I agree that you should talk to an attorney and get the D ball rolling. Take charge and pull the rug out from underneath him.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 10:31 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2025
After the D, and after you're healed, you're going to look back and wonder why in the hell you didn't leave sooner. I wish you the very best on your healing journey out of infidelity. You can do this, and one day he will just be somebody you used to know who happens to have made kids with you.
"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:47 PM on Saturday, February 8th, 2025
He’s beyond repair as he is still blaming YOU.
Run. Get out. Start a new life free from him and his "mindset".
You will be glad you did. Ten years is long enough to hope he will change.
And I hope you get yourself a shark of an attorney.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
