SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH and I have been with each other for almost 2 decades and it was a good marriage. We were lucky enough to live a very comfortable life with bare minimum of stress or challenges. We were very close and always enjoyed each other's company.

I have previously posted my story here:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664868/has-anyone-here-witnessed-shocking-personality-change-in-their-ws-during-an-affair-and-do-they-ever-come-back-to-their-usual-se/

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 months; this is the timeline of events:

WH's A started 6 months ago, but I did not find out until he was 3 months into the A.

Before it was exposed, one day he suddenly told me he wanted to move out "to focus on himself", because we "got married too early" and "we grew apart" and "have nothing in common", all the classic affair fog talk.

A few days later I discovered the A, and we instantly agreed on separation. However, a day later he asked for R.

R for 2 months with therapy every week. Things were going well for us, and he seemed to have come out of the affair fog. We even planned for our next big oversea trip.

5 weeks ago he suddenly asked to move out, and it turned out that he broke NC the week prior and this time he said he loved both his AP and me. He wanted a house separation until he could find a rental, but I put him into an Airbnb the next day.

A week later he moved into a rental property to be close to his AP and during the whole moving process he treated me with little empathy. He became a different person I no longer recognised. He would act in a way that was totally emotionally disconnected, then called me at night crying and telling me how much he loves me and how perfect I am.

I started drafting the financial agreement a few days after he moved out and we had it signed last week. He gave me almost everything (and we have a decent sized asset pool).

Once the financial agreement was signed, I noticed a change in his attitude. All the sudden his new life is no longer exciting. He started telling me he regretted the decision and wished I had stopped him from moving out. He called himself an idiot who threw away a perfect life. He said his life is "crap" now and he is only adapting because he has to. He has not directly asked to come back but I felt he was hinting.

I never asked about his AP; everything I know about her was told by him voluntarily. I assume that they are still together, and I know they had been planning on this for a while. She is our age, has 2 teenage children (we are childless by choice), and financially disadvantaged. She seems to have very poor boundaries and was involved with another married man a year ago. He told me that being with her was like taking drugs and it felt so good that he could not stop himself. I have been in love before, but not once had I felt I was on drugs, so it did sound pretty insane to me.

As you can see, the last 3 months of my life has been chaotic, because my WH acted like a mad man. He kept changing his directions. I thought the separation would end the drama, but it hasn't. I have to admit that part of me is holding onto hope for R, but I don't know if it's because I'm still in love with him, or I'm just in love with all the good memories and the future I always envisioned prior to the A.

Can someone shine some light here? What is going on in his head? I have not responded to his regrets talk because I don't want to be dragged back onto the emotional rollercoaster.

Am I being cynical in thinking it's not entirely coincidental that his attitude changed when your Financial Agreement was signed?
I think the next thing - the very next thing - you need is a No Contact agreement.

Am I being cynical in thinking it's not entirely coincidental that his attitude changed when your Financial Agreement was signed?
I think the next thing - the very next thing - you need is a No Contact agreement.

I thought about that too. But he had always maintained that he would leave all the assets to me even before the A was exposed. Surly as an adult he would know what it means before putting his signature on the agreement. Unless the limerence really did erase all logics and he only realised now how hard it is to start from scratch?

"What is going on in his head?" No, the question should be, "What is going on in YOUR head? Is this acceptable to YOU?" You're too invested in what will make him happy, what will make him come home, what will make him love YOU again?
IS this acceptable to you? What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want one full of drama, lies, and cheating. Do you want one where you walk on eggshells waiting for the next shoe to drop? Or do you want one with a partner who is committed and loving? One where you can trust him and don't have to be the affair police.
I remember asking one of my best male friends how to help my husband get his head out of his ass. He told me to file for D and move forward. Either it will knock some sense into him and he'll get his head out of his ass or it won't. I asked him, "and what if it doesn't?" And that's when he said the most profound thing I've ever heard. It was, "then he doesn't fucking deserve you!" I am so glad I took his advice. D'ing my husband ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. I would have wasted YEARS being loyal and faithful to someone who didn't deserve it.
Move forward. Go NC. File for D. Either he'll realize how stupid he's been and get his shit together, or he won't. Stop worrying about your M when he's not. HE is the one that should be doing backflips to save your M, not you.
He's had 6 months, 6, to come to his senses. How many years have you been together? And in all those years he STILL hasn't figured out your value?

"What is going on in his head?" No, the question should be, "What is going on in YOUR head? Is this acceptable to YOU?" You're too invested in what will make him happy, what will make him come home, what will make him love YOU again?
IS this acceptable to you? What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want one full of drama, lies, and cheating. Do you want one where you walk on eggshells waiting for the next shoe to drop? Or do you want one with a partner who is committed and loving? One where you can trust him and don't have to be the affair police.

Hi StillLivin,

Thank you, I think this is what I need to hear.
I've exhausted myself ever since the A was exposed, because I desperately wanted to save my M, a good M with a once good man.
I came to realisation when he abruptly asked to move out after R, that he is no longer the same person I loved for the past 19 years, for reasons I still don't understand. Maybe the A destroyed him as a person, maybe he is going through MLC, maybe I just didn't really know him.
But one way or another, I know it's time to focus on my own healing and detach myself from the chaos he created.

Imagine you are at a job. You have a great relationship with your boss. Then, you make some colossally horrible, selfish choices. Maybe embezzlement. Would you expect your boss to be the one doing back flips to save your job and reputation? Should they be the ones trying to salvage your career? F no.
It is the exact same thing. You need to get mad! Really mad. You were great. You were loving, truthful, and faithful. And then he pulled this shit? Seriously.
F him. Who gives a F what HIS why's are? They don't change the fact that he stabbed you repeatedly in the back.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you got this. Believe me we have ALL been through the infidelity BS grinder. But you will get past the pain. But you will only do it when embracing your worth. Quit wondering about how to make him love you and choose you. Make it about you choosing you instead of him for a change. It's freeing once you let go of trying to singlehandedly save the M.
Good luck.

Survivor,

It’s not that he has realized the impact of the financial arrangement, it’s that she has.

I’ll bet he told her he gave all the money away, and she has lost interest.

I’m going to weigh in on "what’s going on on his head".

I tell you this from experience. During false R (which I did not know about until after dday2) my H would come home and tell me he wanted a D. At first I tried to get him to see that we could R. However he’d stand firm in wanting a D. I’d eventually agree. So I would start to pull away and not engage.

Then he comes and wants to R. It’s a mistake. He doesn’t want a D.

Things would be good for a few days - he’s making some effort, he’s being nice, blah blah blah.

Then about 2 weeks later he wants a D again.

I realized the minute I started to become more independent he’d get jealous and start to feel left out. He didn’t really want to stay married, but he didn’t want me to move on from him. If I pulled back from him I was not going out with other men or hanging in bars etc (not that there’s anything wrong with that lol).

It was the old saying - you always want what you can’t have.

I see similar signs from your STBXH. He doesn’t want to be married or be monogamous but he doesn’t want you to move on and be happy with out him either.

I guess the OW ain’t all that (snap)

Do yourself a huge solid and move forward with D. Don’t do anything to jeopardize that financial agreement.

It’s not that he has realized the impact of the financial arrangement, it’s that she has.

I’ll bet he told her he gave all the money away, and she has lost interest.

Mmhmm. Partner poachers want security, and he just blew it. Unless he still has huge earning potential, they won’t last long.