WH cheated, wanted to reconcile, cheated again, left, now regretting...

My WH and I have been with each other for almost 2 decades and it was a good marriage. We were lucky enough to live a very comfortable life with bare minimum of stress or challenges. We were very close and always enjoyed each other's company.

I have previously posted my story here:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664868/has-anyone-here-witnessed-shocking-personality-change-in-their-ws-during-an-affair-and-do-they-ever-come-back-to-their-usual-se/

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 months; this is the timeline of events:

WH's A started 6 months ago, but I did not find out until he was 3 months into the A.

Before it was exposed, one day he suddenly told me he wanted to move out "to focus on himself", because we "got married too early" and "we grew apart" and "have nothing in common", all the classic affair fog talk.

A few days later I discovered the A, and we instantly agreed on separation. However, a day later he asked for R.

R for 2 months with therapy every week. Things were going well for us, and he seemed to have come out of the affair fog. We even planned for our next big oversea trip.

5 weeks ago he suddenly asked to move out, and it turned out that he broke NC the week prior and this time he said he loved both his AP and me. He wanted a house separation until he could find a rental, but I put him into an Airbnb the next day.

A week later he moved into a rental property to be close to his AP and during the whole moving process he treated me with little empathy. He became a different person I no longer recognised. He would act in a way that was totally emotionally disconnected, then called me at night crying and telling me how much he loves me and how perfect I am.

I started drafting the financial agreement a few days after he moved out and we had it signed last week. He gave me almost everything (and we have a decent sized asset pool).

Once the financial agreement was signed, I noticed a change in his attitude. All the sudden his new life is no longer exciting. He started telling me he regretted the decision and wished I had stopped him from moving out. He called himself an idiot who threw away a perfect life. He said his life is "crap" now and he is only adapting because he has to. He has not directly asked to come back but I felt he was hinting.

I never asked about his AP; everything I know about her was told by him voluntarily. I assume that they are still together, and I know they had been planning on this for a while. She is our age, has 2 teenage children (we are childless by choice), and financially disadvantaged. She seems to have very poor boundaries and was involved with another married man a year ago. He told me that being with her was like taking drugs and it felt so good that he could not stop himself. I have been in love before, but not once had I felt I was on drugs, so it did sound pretty insane to me.

As you can see, the last 3 months of my life has been chaotic, because my WH acted like a mad man. He kept changing his directions. I thought the separation would end the drama, but it hasn't. I have to admit that part of me is holding onto hope for R, but I don't know if it's because I'm still in love with him, or I'm just in love with all the good memories and the future I always envisioned prior to the A.

Can someone shine some light here? What is going on in his head? I have not responded to his regrets talk because I don't want to be dragged back onto the emotional rollercoaster.

8 comments posted: Monday, January 20th, 2025

Has anyone here witnessed shocking personality change in their WS during an affair, and do they ever come back to their usual se

Long story short, my WH recently left our marriage of nearly two decades for his AP of a few months. Our marriage wasn't without issues but overall a good one. We always enjoyed each other's company and was caring and supportive for each other. Our life was comfortable and stress free. We did almost everything together and we had a vision for our future. We are in our early 40s.

He came from a trauma background of childhood abuse, and I grew up loved and valued. I was the nurturing one in the relationship and an emotional anchor for him over the years. Given what he experienced as a child, he had done well for himself, no drug and alcohol, no mental health issues, and stable employment. He wasn't good at providing emotional support, however, he would always show concern and distress whenever I was upset, especially when I was upset with him.

Then the affair happened, and he changed into a different person, not so much during the affair but after D-Day. He initially showed remorse and asked for a second chance, so we started therapy, and this was when I started seeing some really disturbing traits. He became cunning and manipulative, he told so many lies while swearing he wasn't lying, and he gaslighted me for being "paranoid", not trusting him and not willing to move on while he continued to engage with the AP. The most heartbreaking part was that he was indifferent to my pain. He showed very little concern for what I was going through.

His original character did return after I told him I wanted a separation, he broke up with his AP and he seemed to have gained clarity and insight. He was saying all the right things, and he was affectionate and caring again.

Just when I thought we were making progress, one day he suddenly announced that he was moving out. What shocked me wasn't the decision itself, but the way he delivered it. He had nothing but excitement in his eyes. I had chills down my spine and in that moment, I thought I saw a psychopath. He firmly denied that he rekindled with his AP, claiming he decided to do so because it would allow me to have a fresh start and be freed from the damage he'd done to our marriage. Only with my persistence did he eventually tell the truth, again, without any distress, but rather like a naughty child who was caught with a harmless mischief. I put him in an Airbnb the next day because I simply could not cope with his behavior any longer.

The level of indifference and apathy got worse in the next few days. I was broken and paralyzed by pain while he started the process of moving out. He offered me no support. Zero. He was too busy telling me how bad the condition of the Airbnb was and how stressful it was to organize the move. I was utterly shocked. I remember one day he came back for his belongings, and by this stage, I had already lost 10kgs (since D-day) and hadn't slept for days, all he talked about was how his new TV unit didn't fit the size of the TV. He wasn't even a normal human anymore.

Ironically while his behaviour showed zero care factor, he sent me multiple texts telling me how much he loved and cared about me, how perfect I was, how appreciative he was, how good our life was and how he never "intended" for this to happen and continued doing so until this day. I never received an explanation for the sudden death of our marriage, other than he felt he was "changed" and now a different person.

I asked myself what happened. Did I miss something from the start, or the affair damaged his personality? He went from a good husband to a reckless, selfish and apathetic lunatic within weeks. All our friends were equally shocked, no one could comprehend what happened and a few didn't even believe me when I told them.

It might be worth mentioning that the life he chose with the AP was completely opposite of what we had. Without giving out too many details, it is a life with foreseeable stress, conflicts and financial strain. And his AP is completely opposite of me: weak morals, manipulative, intense and has low self-esteem.

I would like to hear other's opinions on this. I don't rely on an answer from him for my closure and healing (as I know he may not even have one), but rather curious if someone else has witnessed this type of drastic change. Is this MLC, him showing his true colors under stress, or is childhood trauma resurfacing?

23 comments posted: Thursday, January 2nd, 2025