SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Went to the doctor today and she asked me how I was feeling mentally. I told her I am a little down.

I feel like I should be happier with Christmas and all, but I’m just not. Doc said it’s common around the holidays.

Nothing is particularly wrong, and fWW is treating me well. We had a particularly great day 2 days ago. Then I woke up feeling scared the next day-like I could get burned again.

I know part of it is her last day with him was in December. She fucked him during the day, then came to the Sunday School Christmas Party that night and acted like nothing was amiss. Just as an aside, he gave her an expensive gold bracelet for Christmas-ironic in I don’t know where they thought she would wear it, even dumbass me would have noticed it.

I was so happy that Christmas-I thought I had it all, then it all came tumbling down a month later. I feel safe in the present, but I keep remembering how the ground dissolved under my feet without warning.

I’m not in horrible pain, just down.

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it. However, she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this.

My life is not unpleasant, but I am not fulfilled as a man.

Hi Goingtomakeit….. Im sorry you are feeling down and I agree with you 100%.

"My life is not unpleasant, but I am not fulfilled as a man".

This (except replace man with married woman 😂). We have a good life, financially comfortable, good happy kids but that ‘specialness’ of being a married couple is gone now. I’m a year and a bit out from D-Day and I don’t really find any special occasions that good anymore - Easter, birthdays, Xmas etc!

I used to be a crazy Christmas fanatic, matching clothes, family photos etc but now none of that happens. We have family photos with just either me or him with the kids. Im not sure if anyone notices but I defs do it on purpose. I hope one day it won’t be like this but for now it just is what it is.

My therapists (long life, worked with a number of therapists) would all ask me what would make me feel fulfilled and then encourage me to arrange my life to get what I wanted. Just sayin'....

she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this

May I ask why do you stay with her? You will NEVER feel safe, because you are NOT safe, as she hasn’t done the work. Are you at least looking at a big inheritance coming her way or *something* that keeps you in this M?

I am so sorry you are feeling down. I am 3 years out myself and feel similarly. No advice here, just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. What particuraly got to me in your post was the quote below

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it.

This is my biggest wish as well and I know it is not going to come true this year. But I have hope that someday, this is in the cards for me as well.

The only thing I can recommend is being totally honest with your wife about what you have posted here. Tell her how you feel and what is getting you down.

If she cares she'll help with it. If she doesn't, she won't and you may have to decide if you want to be with her to spend future Christmases.

I will say that you should include the part about her doing enough work to make her a safe partner, fix what was broken in her to make her cheat, and to actually rebuild your relationship.

That is an important part of the discussion.

Good luck and maybe do something nice for yourself during the holidays. Splurging isn't a solution but ok to do every now and then.

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it. However, she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this.

I'm very sorry you are feeling down and have good reason for it. I believe this is what happens in a M when a WS doesn't do the work. Unfortunately you will not be able to give 100% due to the work not being done which is why you still unsafe. I'm sure there are many BS with a remorseful WS that cannot give the 100% post A either.

Gr8ful-yes, I am very comfortable financially. D would still leave me well off, but not as comfortable. The same goes for her.

I think this is bubbling to her doing the work, or we will come to an arrangement-be that open marriage, or separate lives, I don’t know.

I am scared of D. The decrease in lifestyle, the loss of sex( at least initially), and finding someone who would love me for me.

W does love me, and there is plenty of sex. From the surface, we look like a great couple. It’s just that missing piece.

I know a mantra here is you have to risk your M to save it, but it is still scary.

Did you talk to her about it as I and others recommended above?

One of the realizations I had to accept was that in certain areas, my marriage would never be the same.

Financially I am always going to hoard money and remain well protected. His walking out the door at dday1 was both devastating and traumatizing to me. I will never get past that.

I trust him to an extent. Not 100% but maybe 99%. Things have changed since Covid and he no longer travels as often (his affair was here in our city so travel is not an issue).

I also don’t give him 100%. He’s not my priority and the marriage is not my focus. I am. Not in a mean or selfish way but I make sure that I put myself first. My happiness is important and for the decades I put him first — I recognized the value of putting myself first.

I read your older posts – including the archived ones.
Friend – you have been here so long that your communications with OMW were over fax...

I want to make one suggestion:
I don’t know if it’s time on your marriage or not. I have a feeling that if what you share about your wife is correct then maybe there is a lot of work she has to do and the both of you have to do. Maybe D would be the better of two tough options.

However...
One thing is totally 100% clear to me: No matter if you divorce or reconcile, it’s YOU and YOUR face you will see in the mirror every morning. I fear that even if you divorce and move to Antarctica to get as much distance from her as possible you will still be with YOU. Divorce wont automatically make you feel better.
At the same time – A marriage is never better than the people in it. I don’t know how she is or if she’s capable of creating a good marriage. But I do think (with the best of intentions) that maybe YOU aren’t in a good mental state yourself.
Not saying you are fly-eating, crawled into a corner coo-coo krazy. But maybe you have panic, anxiety, a shot sense of self-worth, depression, melancholy... whatever. No wonder, having gone through the trauma of infidelity.

I am going to suggest you allow yourself to focus on YOU.
Focus on what you have been doing and if it has given you any positive change. At the same time focus on what you have been doing and question the results. Like if you have been taking anxiety drugs with no notable improvement – question your doc and get it changed. If you have been seeing an IC for 10 years and still have issues... question what he’s doing and/or if you are following his advice.
Check your lifestyle. Get a bike and ride for an hour a day. Go for walks and jogs. Go to a gym. Feed your interests. Join a fly-tying group that meets every Monday evening... (or whatever group might interest you). Volunteer. Want to try golf? Do it now. Same with fishing, tennis, pottery... whatever. Always wanted a Ford Pinto? Go get one and make it a project.
Read up on self-improvement books. Attend seminars and conferences. Clean up your personal finances and get a great view of your financial standing...

Basically do SOMETHING and EVERYTHING to move on from the present situation. See my tagline? I’m not so naïve as to think you can instantaneously move from unhappiness to happiness. But you can move from your present mindset to another. You might realize that the new mindset is less unhappy, and then move from there to another... The key is to self-evaluate and decide if you are making progress and/or if you want to move further.