SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Interested to hear from anyone here who was in firm reconciliation and their WH or WW, and that they were doing everything right according to the R handbook and then blindsided by another affair?
I’m 10 years in R and still think he’s coming home at any given moment to tell me he’s fallen in love with a girl from the gym or similar. I am still afraid he portrays a different persona to me than he does when on his own and that it’s all just a facade. The joys of trust being shattered into a million bits.

I’m sorry you are still struggling.

I’m 11 years out from his midlife crisis affair wherein he was kicking me to the curb ti be with the much younger single OW.

I got the ILYBNILWY speech.

The scenario you describe is also possible for me. My H could act one way in front of me but ac completely different when I’m not around. PS it could have always been that way but we just trusted our spouses NOT to be "that guy"

The difference for me is I’ve prepared myself just in case. If my H came home tomorrow and said he was leaving me, of course I would be upset. However it would not devastate me or financially ruin me.

I don’t even think about the "what if" anymore. Because that just is just another thing the cheaters take away from us. Our peace of mind. Our happiness. Our ability to be carefree.

As a BS my goal is to not live in the past and live my best life.

And so far it is working for me. I try not to dwell on the past. My H is here with me as my H for as long as either of us chooses.

I hope this helps you.

Thank you the1stwife. Your responses are always so positive and wise. I sometimes feel I’m just maybe not cut out for this. 10 years I have wasted and I just feel so sad about that. I will never get those years back. I often wish he had just followed through with his plans to leave for the much younger OW after, like you, giving me the ILYBINIILWY speech. I think, although excruciating at the time, I would have been healed by now and not having to trust the perpetrator on a daily or rather hourly basis.

Just some applause for The1stWife, who clearly has the secret to successfully living your life after Infidelity:

As a BS my goal is to not live in the past and live my best life. And so far it is working for me. I try not to dwell on the past. My H is here with me as my H for as long as either of us chooses.

I'm going through a serious health crisis with a WH still here whether I like it or not. He never did much if any "inner work" on his issues thus I could never feel like the wife to him that I wanted to be. We have lived IHS for 22 long years and I do not recommend that path to anyone. Yet this week he took me on a 350 mile trip to a top medical center several states away and was there for me. He clearly wants me not to die, I'm seeing that. So how should I live with this situation? By acceptance, I guess. Both of the flawed person I chose to marry, and of the health crisis I'm in today. (I try not to think that my health crisis could have been brought about by his issues, even if it's the truth. My family history suggests I might have had the same problems, regardless.)

I doubt that any R is what I'd call 'perfect'. If you constantly think your H is about to tell you he's fallen in love with someone else, I think it's far from perfect. My question is: where does the fear come from? is it because of some vibes given out by your H or is it your own irrational fear, or is it something else?

After almost 14 years, my guess is that if my W cheats again, it's for different reasons than her 1st A, but that's a question of academic interest only. But whether a 2nd A is from new or the same old reasons, I'd be faced with the same need to heal and make decisions I faced starting in 2010.

I rate the probability very low for my W. You rate it much higher for your H. What's going on? How can we really help?

My question is: where does the fear come from? is it because of some vibes given out by your H or is it your own irrational fear, or is it something else?

We’ve been together 30 years (I’m 46) and way back at the beginning there were a few hiccups ie a friend of mine telling me he was acting inappropriately with an ex, him admitting someone had been flirting with him at a bar (but he was innocent of course), a girl pretending not to know him when in my presence but they weee very good friends. Lots of little things. I wanted to believe him when he said it wasn’t as it looked. I loved him. But I also was very insecure myself. I had witnessed infidelity as a child and how it caused utter destruction to our family. Then we got pregnant early on so when things like that happened after the baby was born, I allowed them to slide (after being angry for a while. So I guess my trust in him had been tainted. And it never really recovered with each little indiscretion. And then when the affair came out, it confirmed all my fears. And here I am today. With no real cause over the 10 years to doubt him, but my senses are prickly as always. And I don’t know if that’s because of me or him.

I’m six years out and I will never trust my WW again, but to be fair, because of how I was so totally fooled by her, I will never trust anyone again. If I could be so wrong about her, the person in the whole world who I thought I was closest to, how can I ever trust my own judgment on who to trust ever again. I won’t ever be fooled by anybody ever again.

Ah, ktez, sister ... what has your H done to rebuild trust? Has he come clean? Does he continue to lie over small things?

One one hand, insecurity is your problem to solve, so that part is you. But if your H hasn't come clean, hasn't done the work to change from cheater to good partner, his vides are not what they should be.

I urge you to get help feeling secure. It's work you really can do, and it's worth the effort. BTDT.

(((ktez))) - a hug, if you'd like one

*****

ETA: I have written that my W was possibly a perfect WS in that she acted consistently to make necessary changes in herself, supported me, took confrontations the way one hopes they'd be taken, etc., etc., etc.

I've never forgotten that her perfection came within the context of fucking up her life and mine. Perfect WS and perfect R are subsets of very broken lives.

I love her, and I love life. I'm grateful she did her work so I didn't have to dump her. But she' a little less perfect than I wish she were.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 PM, Sunday, December 1st]

I am saddened to read that you have spent the last 10 years in a very unhappy marriage.

One of the things that I did was to stop putting my H and my marriage as my top priority. Now I am my priority.

I have financially protected myself.

I have a social life separate from him. Book club, charity events, game group, my own business, etc.

My opinion of myself matters more than his opinion of me.

As I said previously if my H decided to D me I would be unhappy for awhile. But I would not be devastated and I would be prepared for the next chapter.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:48 AM, Sunday, December 1st]

what has your H done to rebuild trust? Has he come clean? Does he continue to lie over small things

?

He came clean about his affair at the time; yes and was open about everything going forward with full transparency. I haven’t really caught him in a lie as such but just recently, a young girl in her 20s I know who goes to his gym had said she loves the business my H and I have built and that she was in it on a few occasions looking around. Now this is probably innocent enough but H did not once mention this. It’s things like that. He doesn’t divulge the full truth incase I go to the default of accusing him of lusting after someone else. But when I find out afterwards, it’s worse! And I really do think he’s up to no good. The point is, I’m past caring now. I don’t want to tackle it. I’m tired.

One of the things that I did was to stop putting my H and my marriage as my top priority. Now I am my priority.

I have financially protected myself.

I have a social life separate from him. Book club, charity events, game group, my own business, etc.

This made me look at my current situation and it’s not great.
Pre A, I had a good job in the city, my own car, I had a shared mortgage and something of a social life.
Post A, I work 24/7 for our family business and rarely take a wage, I’ve no pension plan, my name isn’t on the business, it’s all under his, my name is no longer on the mortgage, I don’t have a car anymore as I have mine to my daughter, I rarely do anything outside of family business or working in the house.

I really need to look at all of this as I’m not in the best position if we did separate

I don't know the statistics but here I am, 7 years from a horrible and painful A, back in another A. I really hope none of you go through anything like this but it can happen. The thing I am grateful for, is this time I'm better prepared financially.

I have been wondering hos to approach the question asked in the thread-title.
What I can share is that I left the relationship that I experienced infidelity in, and about 2 years later met my present wife. I am 100% certain that leaving that relationship was the correct thing for me. For one, we were quite young (22-23), immature, no kids, no major legal entwinement...
About 15 years into my present marriage we went through a really tough period. It had been building up for some time. I was 100% certain she was cheating, or at least not committed to the marriage. I spent a lot of time trying to prove to myself she had someone else... After quite a long time and extensive, excessive investigation I had an hour of clarity, where I recalled my law-enforcement training of investigating for the truth rather than a foregone conclusion. I came to the conclusion that although there were issues in our marriage, infidelity was not one of them.

At this point I also had the moment of clarity to understand that I was suffering from trauma. I thought it might be from events from my LEO years. Being stabbed, having someone try to choke you, gathering body-parts in a bag... these things can impact you. I went to an IC and after a couple of sessions he told me I was clearly dealing with PTSD. Some "minor" issues caused by the LEO experiences, but the big one being from the infidelity. So I guess being stabbed, choked and all that pales to being cheated on...

It took a couple more sessions to learn how to deal with it. To give me tools to not trigger when I saw cauliflower (sickeningly close to brain-matter in apprearnce), not to trigger at certain sites and events...

For me – that was a key to empower me to be a better person, and thereby in a better place to deal with my marital issues. For us – me and my wife – that work brought us closer together. But that was after a serious sit-down where we discussed if we wanted to head to divorce. Since neither of us wanted that and the talk made the issues clear, we could develop a plan to move on.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a neglected part in getting out of infidelity is self-healing.
No doubt or question that your husbands infidelity is what got you and your marriage into the quandary it is in. But – in accordance to the quote I have at the bottom of my posts – it’s up to us to get out of that place. I encourage you to deal with your fear of him failing, and then using that new strength and power to establish how you want your future to be – with or without him, but if with him then according to a plan you both agree to.

Has it crossed your mind that maybe your gut is trying to tell you that something about your WH is off? Maybe ask yourself why you are still feeling this way.

When my late husband was still alive I constantly had the same feelings you are having, but just couldn't pinpoint why I was still feeling so uncertain because he convinced me that he would NEVER 🙄 do anything to hurt me.

Remember cheaters lie. And has he done the work to prove himself worthy of you?

I also agree that 1stWife is spot on about your situation.

If I could go back in time and when the first signs of my late husbands infidelities began showing up, I would start with a soft 180, kind of start out by ignoring him and his behaviors, and stop making him my top priority anymore. I would focus more on myself, get a job, stash money away, do anything to help myself become more independent of him and more dependent on myself, because in my mind and heart I could see even back then, I wasn't a priority to him and he was very disrespectful of me.

I want to tell you a story. My sister also lost her identity after she married her husband. They had three children and he didn't take much interest in any of the kids or my sister when they were younger. He was a good provider but he lacked interest in my sister and their kids. He also chased other women. Fast forward 40 years of marriage later, something pretty significant happen to one of their daughters that shook the whole family up pretty badly. What I have found interesting about this is that although my sister gave up her life for her husband and daughter's, always put herself last, hardly ever bought herself new clothes or anything, etc., when everything was coming down, everyone blamed my sister for some things that were happening. And this is sad because her husband was part of the problem too and should have taken some responsibility for his part. But he allowed everyone to be angry with my sister and didn't say a word. I'm sorry but I really can't go into any details but to say to me this just showed how deeply his disrespect towards my sister has continued on.

My point of this story whether it makes sense to you or not, after everything was said and done, after 40 years of marriage, self sacrifice to keep everyone else happy, then a terrible event, this is what finally woke her up to realize that in the end, no one really cared about how she felt dispite all the sacrifices she had made. And I am happy to say that she is finally beginning to wake up and to put herself and her needs first.

Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first so that we can become the best versions of ourselves, so that we no longer allow others to disrespect us, as in your case with your husband. I just don't get the feeling he is being completely honest or transparent with you.

It’s hard to know how people act when you are not there with them. It was interesting to see (in my 20s and 30s) how guys would proposition me just to see if I was willing to cheat on my H (as they would cheat on their wives). Deplorable behavior.

Your H has broken your trust. Now he may not be doing anything wrong. He may never cheat again.

But you have no way of knowing that.

Prior to the affair you had no way of knowing how your H behaved when you were apart, but you TRUSTED him. You believed he would not be "that guy". The cheater guy. The flirty guy. The guy who complained about his wife.

But now trust us broken. And you are left wondering.

I was in your shoes for 3 years after dday2. I struggled with all of it. Same as you.

Until I decided to heal myself and change my mindset. Because the only thing I can control is me. But if I have a plan and I have protected myself financially, then I know I will be ok if something happens again. If he cheats again I will be sad but certainly not devastated.

Start putting yourself first. Your marriage isn’t everything - it’s a piece of who you are.

they were doing everything right according to the R handbook and then blindsided by another affair?

I think this is the nightmare scenario for those who choose to R and a big reason I chose to D, I couldn't live with that Sword of Damocles hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

With that said, are you familiar with the concept of hyper-vigilance? After experiencing a traumatic event, many people will be always on the lookout for danger regardless of the source. I certainly have it and it was part of the reason I ultimately received a PTSD diagnosis. I spent months with near constant panic attacks after Dday bc my body didn't understand the scary thing had already happened, so it was scanning the horizon looking for the next source of danger.

It's like once you experience a trauma, you no longer live in a world where that could happen, but now live in a world where it has happened. The distinction is subtle but powerful. I liken it to how the world changes when the first person you were close with dies, the first person your age who dies, or the first person you know who dies suddenly. You always knew death would happen to everyone, including you, but it didn't seem really real until that point.