SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband admitted going into a hotel and touching a woman fairly early on in our marriage. It was at a family wedding which I went to the day but for and left to look after our young children so left him to it. He told be 17 years later. And also that he kissed a woman on the pub. I was/am devastated. He told me the 2.5 years ago and we’ve had huge problems since. Mostly on my side because he won’t give me all the details - like how did you end up in a hotel room with a naked lady, how long were to talking what exactly happened etc I want every detail. He denied kissing her but a month ago told me he probably did kiss her which made me feel a little better as at least he was ‘starting to tell me what I need to know.
We’ve 3 children at home so I really want it to work but I keep getting angry about it - he’s like it has no relevance to our life now which in a way is true but I just don’t seem to beable to let it go, it is constantly on my mind. I’ve had counselling, but high didn’t really help. He doesn’t get me at all and although he says not he’s been cruel in some ways. Since DD she’s not told me he loves me but has done nice things like boooked 2 holidays, he says this should be enough and I should feel lucky that he’s always provided for the family, which I am greatful for I have always worked mostly part time. I just keep getting over emotional and cross and end up ruining evenings as I keep bring it up. Then I have to apologise the next day and he won’t talk to me for a few days then repeat. I don’t want to be this person. I want to be happy it’s like my whole foundation has crumbled and I can’t get it back. And advice greatfully received

How are you messing up?

Your H betrayed you and lied about it for 17+ years, right? Now he wants to pretend it didn't happen instead of doing the work necessary to change from betrayer to good partner.

Finding out one has been betrayed can be traumatic. It's traumatic for the vast majority of BSes (Betrayed Souses) on SI. Your behavior is entirely normal for a BS.

As for providing for the family, your H couldn't have done that without your support - bearing and taking care of the kids, whatever house-keeping you did, etc. etc. etc.

Are you looking for 'ears' to hear you? Are you looking for advice? Emotional support? How can we help?

I just want to be happy, I don’t want to leave as I think if I can get over it and stop turning in to a emotional wreck we’d be ok - but I am and I am ashamed, I said I love you to him this morning and he just said I don’t want to hear anything other than sorry. He just thinks it happened so long ago it doesn’t matter but it really matters to me and I’m just sad. And I know there no magic wand but I can’t tell what the truth is anymore - thanks so much for the reply I really appreciate it

I just want to be happy, I don’t want to leave as I think if I can get over it and stop turning in to a emotional wreck we’d be ok - but I am and I am ashamed, I said I love you to him this morning and he just said I don’t want to hear anything other than sorry. He just thinks it happened so long ago it doesn’t matter but it really matters to me and I’m just sad. And I know there no magic wand but I can’t tell what the truth is anymore - thanks so much for the reply I really appreciate it

I just want to be happy, I don’t want to leave as I think if I can get over it and stop turning in to a emotional wreck we’d be ok - but I am and I am ashamed, I said I love you to him this morning and he just said I don’t want to hear anything other than sorry. He just thinks it happened so long ago it doesn’t matter but it really matters to me and I’m just sad. And I know there no magic wand but I can’t tell what the truth is anymore - thanks so much for the reply I really appreciate it

Last night he put on a film where the plot was about an affair I was so uncomfortable (the kids were all out at clubs) so I walked out of the room I came back in and it went from there like how I should be over all this and beable to watch a film, but the plot was about infidelity and it just really upset me so I bought up what he did again and now he’s cross as it’s no relevance and I should be over it. We are going on holiday for the first time with all the kids on Wednesday for a week - I think I’m more emotional when I have a drink so won’t drink on holiday as I don’t want to ruin it as 2 of them are adults but I just want to stop.

I also don't understand how you are messing up.

Your WH is being clear in deed and word. He doesn't think it's wrong to be married and have sexual or other relationships with women other than his wife. He thinks if he is providing a certain standard of living for his wife and children, he is meeting his responsibility as a husband and father. Do you agree? That is your question and your decision on what you will do if you don't agree.

I think he sees marital fidelity as about the same thing as promising to take our the trash. Yes, he promised. He will do it to keep you from complaining, and it's a minor duty part of marriage for him. If he can get out of doing it, he will. If he forgets or whatever, he can make it up to you with doing something nice.

He's not the only person that feels that way. BUT, there are so many of us that don't agree with that. You can live without that. Almost everyone here does not have your WH's values in marriage. You are not messing up.

I’ve honestly worked hard always in the care sector so underpaid but have had a huge amout given to me through inheritance etc so I know I’ve given quite a lot financially but not as much as him, I also did all the work for our type 1 diabetic son ( well 95 percent) which made it impossible for me to work full time as he was only 3 when diagnosed. But I just want to stop bringing it up but I just can’t seem to help myself, i get a trigger and then it’s there - I re read the excellent advice about the memory thing on the healing bit of this site about imagining making a salad - I’ll definitely do that again to try but I just after 2.5 years don’t seem to be getting over it and the time line suggested 2-5 years and I’m not really getting much better although maybe a little less frequent- he said it’s because I’m peri menopause last night I’m 44 so maybe that’s why? I have tried going to the GP and they didn’t help me at all so just thought I’d come back here - thank you so much for listening I feel so bad as I’m lost and I know people here have had so much worse

Silverdollars,

Reading your posts made me so sad.
You are not messing up, HE is messing up.

I think the reason you are struggling to get over it in anyway is because his actions don’t seem that of someone who is incredibly sorry and remorseful, or even seems to understand how much damage he has done with his actions.

The fact that he thinks financial things like ‘providing’ for the family and booking holidays will make you get over it is quite the red flag, as is his him being angry with you, not speaking to you after you’ve been upset, demanding apologies for being upset (sorry but how dare he?!), refusing to say I love you, etc.

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this position, but going by your posts, he really doesn’t seem sorry at all? And if he doesn’t seem sorry I would assume he would end up doing it again.

I’m not saying you should leave but maybe sit down and have a real talk calmly about how his actions have affected you and why you’re struggling to get over it, and also what he could be doing to help. Then it’s on him to react to that and put in the work to fix what he’s broken. What’s happening his fault and his fault only.

One thing my therapist suggested which worked for me was trying to imagine what life would be like if you separated. Like really imagine it, in as much detail as possible. Think about the things you could do , what your days would like, and so on.
It made me not afraid of the idea of separating anymore when I realised that the initial bit would probably suck but I would be okay if we weren’t together.

Sending lots of hugs and strength to you.

He got really cross with me in feb like really cross and I did move out it was horrific the lost plot with me and the kids not physically but so scary and then I moved to mum and dads which Is 45mins away all my care work is her the youngest goes to school
Here the elder have their friends here and I still want it to work but it’s me - it’s like my whole world has crashed and I can do so good and not being it up and it’s ok and then I bubble and burst and it all
Horrible words that come out my mouth like you touched her c— and then he’s cross and then I’m sad and apologetic and I’ve never even asked him to read what it does to people but he won’t and he just won’t help me and I’m really very sad and I don’t want to leave I just want to feel ok as it was a long time ago but I wouldn’t have stayed and it was horrible in those days and I feel
Cheated out of time

Can I ask what your relationship was like before DDay? What was he like as a partner then?

The way you describe him, he comes across as very cold, unaffectionate, angry, and emotionally closed off.

I worry for you, staying with someone who’s not only unable to see what he’s done, but gets angry at you for you being upset about it. That’s wild.

I urge you to really look at your reasons for wanting to stay. Maybe try writing a pros and cons list? It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of your relationship at all, and that you’re staying because it would be ‘easier’. I don’t mean that to sound condescending or patronising or anything, that’s just how it comes across.

Hang on, he wants YOU to say sorry to HIM? Seriously? Instead of sorry maybe tell him you would rather talk to a divorce attorney.

He cheated, hid the affair, gets upset when you are upset, AND he wants an apology.

Freaking amazing. Find your inner pissed off demon voice and unload on your husband.