Not allowed to talk
here is the story I’m not allowed to talk about of grieve or make sense of. Been together with my husband for 22 years. It’s been a I suppose traditional marriage with him having a lot more freedom than I. I’ve always trusted him to an extent but he’s a very strong person and if anyone questions him he gets angry very quickly. Back in April he admitted going into a hotel room with a woman 17ish years ago. It was at a wedding I was at too but I had to go home and look after our young children. He claims he touched her privates but they didn’t have sex. I obviously don’t believe this and he gets very cross if I try and question him over it. His stance is it was a long time ago so it doesn’t matter. He also admitted kissing a woman in a pub. I know he’s had messages over the years from other women. I’m lost and broken. It may have been a long time ago for him but for me I’ve only recently found out. I am finding it hard that he’s lied to me for all these years. I now have a completely different past to the one I thought I had. All happy memories have gone and been replaced. If I’d know at the time I wouldn’t have stayed. He has been a bully to me and the kids for the first 15 years of our relationship. I would never have married him if I’d known, moved house etc. I feel robbed of the life I thought I had. I don’t know if I can get past this. I can’t talk to him about it as he just gets so angry. I’m desperately sad and depressed. I feel so much shame and I hate the person this has made me become. I’ve been a rubbish mum this summer and all I want to do is cry and stay in bed although I’ve been to work every day. I’m so tired and lost. I’m having counselling please can anyone tell me if this feeling will ever end.
I know I may never get over it without being aloud to talk about it. But that’s my lot in life. I know people will say to leave if he won’t let me talk about it but it’s not that straight forward as I do love him. I hate myself right now and I hate my life.
29 comments posted: Sunday, September 11th, 2022
