SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with the same person for 51 years, 41 married. Found out he was having an emotional affair with a girl in her late 20s and he'd hid it, enjoyed it, and neglected any of my needs for six years -- until Discovery. I suspect he would have continued it for the rest of life if not caught. He has been desperately trying to keep us together, in the same house, for three years since Discovery. He tries so hard to be what I need that it is heartbreaking and holding me from getting away from the grief and trying to stand up again. During these three years that he has been working on keeping me around, I changed and became more aware of this man that I had been so comfortable with that I felt like we were one. More aware now I began to notice, when we were in public anywhere, that he seemingly scans people as we walk, or sit in a restaurant and, when he saw female, very young girls and blonds of any age, in particular, passing by that his scan would change to an intense stare. (I call it the "Hungry Like the Wolf" look)
Driving in the car, there is always spandex covered buttocks to be seen walking, even better -- jogging -- or biking, and the hard stare comes on and, when it passes, immediate look in the side mirror for as long as can be done. He never misses one. TV at night, if I am not in the room, I've heard him stop on what I call teenager shows. Before I knew this aspect of his personality, I would think: what is he watching that for, knowing with certainty that if I had flipped to that same show when we watch together, he would have protested based on the silly topics and poor acting. (He's in his 60's!) He didn't want a family with me, and I acquiesced thinking "he would be enough". :( More signs of....?
Just today, I told him I was consulting a plastic surgeon and that I was going to do a one-time fix because I work now via Zoom and cameras tell a truth that mirrors do not and I found it distracting and it made me feel bad so......
I said: It's probably not going to make a difference to you; it isn't going to make me look 30, but healthier and rested, even when I wasn't. He replied, after a minute or so: Can he make you look 20? I don't know, I'm having trouble now being intimate with him knowing where his preferences lie. It kind of makes me sick. Not improving life around here for sure, moving forward after today. Depression setting in. Grateful for a spot that allows me to just say it out loud to someone. I'm over and out.

You’ve been heard, PersevereS

So what are you thinking? Accept him how he is? Split? This seem to be your choices.

Oh my heart breaks for you! Why cant they figure out in old age that what’s truly important in life is family? I traveled to Eygpt recently and was mobbed by young males there. It felt so good to be made to feel beautiful. But….as I told him he would have thought I was ridiculous if I actually went on a date with one of them like he did. He ruined a loving marriage for filth. Why do we as women have to be made to feel less than just because we age? My husband has a big old pot gut and thinning hair but I saw him the same as when we married. I didn’t need a 20 year old guys lusting after my money to make me feel good. If you need an ear to. Listen feel free to private message me. I have walked the painful trail you are walking.

How sad.

It’s hard enough to swallow the disrespect of an affair, but the ongoing lecherous behavior would make it impossible to heal.

I hope you realize that your husband doesn’t determine your beauty or your worth. If he can’t cherish or value you, it doesn’t mean that you are not attractive or completely lovable. His faulty way of seeing women is not a statement of you.

Have you talked to him about what you have noticed? I realize that the damage is already there, but if you are living with this man it’s a continuation of abuse. If he is trying so hard, this behavior is something he can work on.

I am pushing 50, an average looking middle aged woman. I am certain my husband looks at women, and probably many of them are younger and prettier. But I don’t know what I would do if he was continually leering at them with a hungry eyes sort of situation. Sometimes I will spot one that I know is wearing something he would like or has features I know he likes, and I will shoot him the look and he will acknowledge he saw her. But I have never seen him ogle, and that would really bother me.

At the very least, I would ask him to cut it out. But infidelity amplifies everything, and it may just be the thing that topples you over towards divorce. There is nothing wrong with that response. But I don’t think however I decided to move forward it would be in a way that allowed him to continue this sort of disrespect. It’s natural for people to notice an attractive person, but he is taking that too far.

very young girls and blonds of any age,

I've heard him stop on what I call teenager shows.

I'm going to be very blunt.

This behavior is creepy. Very young girls. Teenagers. He's in his 60's. It's disturbing.

Do men like looking at younger women? Yes. But, to be in your 60's and leering at "very young girls," and purposely seeking out shows with teenaged girls? That's not normal,healthy male behavior.

Yes..I know..the law says when I child turns 18, they're no longer a child. That doesn't make him leering at young, teenaged girls, any less creepy.

You deserve better. His comment about making you 20? Horrifying. There is nothing wrong with being "a woman of a particular age." You should be cherished,and instead he's reduced you to an object.

Hi PersevereS,

Welcome to SI. I’m glad you found us. I’m so sorry you’re hurting and that your spouse is so thoughtless and cruel in his words. Am I right to understand that D-day was 3 years ago? Would love to hear more of your story if you feel ready to share.

Found out he was having an emotional affair with a girl in her late 20s and he'd hid it, enjoyed it, and neglected any of my needs for six years -- until Discovery. I suspect he would have continued it for the rest of life if not caught.

A 6 year emotional affair? With someone in her late 20s? That is a LONG time. We sure this was a real person and not a catfish or some sort of online sugar baby/cam girl/woman from a 3rd world country looking for a ticket out of a bad place situation? I am certainly no longer a woman in my late 20s but it wasn’t THAT long ago, and I can remember that time period and I was in no way interested in wasting 6 years of my life with someone my dad’s age, without any possibility of meeting in person (I’m assuming they didn’t meet in person, because if they did, it likely would not have been an EA only).

I know whether or not she was a real person or not does not change the fact that he cheated and the hurt you feel from knowing his heart was elsewhere but I wonder if knowing the actual facts of the situation might snap him out of whatever delusion he seems to be under. Because honestly, dude is DELUSIONAL if he thinks a baggage-free 20 year old is interested in a guy in his 60s. I don’t’ know you or your story, but it’s giving me whiffs of porn/sex addiction (please correct me if I’m wrong). Anyone that can carry out a 6 year EA with someone they’ve never met, is clearly capable of living in a fantasy world. Spending that much time interacting with women online whose job it is to sell a fantasy to….. people……who believe it, can warp your brain. He is clearly objectifying women. The fact that any part of his brain thinks that a scalpel is capable of turning back the clock 40 years suggests he is not living in the real world. Does he know you’re aware of his scanning/ogling? Are you calling him on this stuff as it happens? Does he know how it’s making you feel? Part of me wonders if this behaviour has been going on so long that you've ALSO grown accustomed to it and don't realize how abnormal it might actually be.

I am not going to question your desire for a plastic surgery. It’s your face and your body and you are the boss of that and you should do whatever you want to do with them. But I will ask whether you are truly doing this for you or because you think it might make you more desirable to him? I do question if it’s going to "fix" whatever emotional void is causing your pain right now. A facelift isn’t going to cure your depression or undo the hurt, any more than it’s going to make you look like you could guest-star on a high school drama.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 5:29 PM, Friday, April 5th]

Everything Hellfire and Hiking Out said. This is disturbing, unacceptable behavior, not normal human sex drive. It’s normal for people to notice other people they find attractive. It’s NOT normal or ok to stare creepily, and it’s very concerning that he’s 60 and staring at girls young enough to be his granddaughter. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position; it’s very understandable if this is a deal breaker. If you want plastic surgery for yourself, by all means do it, but don’t do it to try to please a man who cheats on you and leers at girls 40+ years younger than him.

He’s an immature person at the very least.

His ego is so fragile he needs a young 20-something to make himself feel better. And we know what the comments are about much older men with younger women.

Sad to say his cheating fits his personality and his agenda. He comes first as evidenced by his very insensitive comment.

I’m sorry you had to endure his nonsense with that comment.

it’s giving me whiffs of porn/sex addiction (please correct me if I’m wrong).

I almost commented on that too. It’s like he is mentally trained for specific stimuli.

I am truly many of us find ourselves in "grey" situations where we are not treated with respect or valued. I am sorry you are finding yourself here.

The good news is that we can get ourselves out of infidelity, abuse and disrespect.

I am curious if he has always displayed this sort of behavior or if there could be anything going on medically that changed his behavior and personality… either way it is very difficult to love with this sort of situation and I am sorry this is happening.

Get the work done if it’s for YOU. If its to increase your self-confidence and something YOU want. Don’t do it to look younger in his eyes.

I’m a red-blooded, testosterone-controlled male of over 55 years of age. Been with my wife for over 30 years, and we still love each other. If something were to happen and I was looking for a new person to be with... 20 year old girls would be so low on my list I would have to use a toilet-roll to get them on it.

Heck... I would seriously consider the pros and cons of accepting celibacy and being able to buy new fishing gear without any discussion over the benefits of a relationship with ANY woman – irrespective of age. If I were to find someone, I guess a +5 year to a -10 year age-difference would be the scope, and she would have to be right handed, fly-fish and retrieve the line with her left. Preferably have a good truck. And no – with truck I’m not referring to anything other than a vehicle.

I can’t think of anything less appealing than a 20-something. Sorry girls that are there! But you already have a couple of generations of 20-35 year old males that do find you interesting. Personally, I can’t understand all the tattooing, body-piercing, clothes that hide less than they cover, fish-lips, terrible music... Basically I avoid ANYONE that watches shows like Bachelor, Love Island, Meet the Place Any Celeb Name Here...

Next time you look at your husband slavering over a medically made bum peeping through fabric that could hardly cover a pierced navel... Just tell him that he can totally go there and see what his chances are. But let him also know that your growing suspicion that he’s just a dirty little pervert, and with that your respect to him diminishes.

OK – So I can finish this rant...

It’s OK to look at other people. I love my wife and have never cheated. Yet it does happen I might look at a woman and think "wow...". But that’s it. I don’t go looking for it, don’t go to the beach to see nubile bodies, don’t go to the gym to research how spandex can stretch... Your husband needs boundaries, and that fast.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:01 PM, Saturday, April 6th]