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Hi everyone. I'm M44 married to W42 For 20 year's now. It's been 1 year since 1st DD. 9 months since 2nd DD. After the 1st DD my wife admitted to an emotional affair with a M coworker. This destroyed me enough. But still suspicious. I put a voice recorder in W car. (Not my proudest moment) I then discovered the 2nd DD. Hearing my W put me down. Having sex with AP. plan a future together.. its the little things she said That I still can't get out my head. I feel like I cant bring it up anymore because its self-inflicted pain. Has anyone one else done something like this. How did you manage.

You look at the reality of your marriage and your wife. She cheats. You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone loyal. Her ethics class was cancelled. You have to accept who you are married to and then understand this agony might be a part of your life every day unless you move on. I think in this case that should be what you do.

I’m sorry you made that discovery. She is still lying and cheating, she is putting you through false R. You need to push her off the fence she is sitting on, 180 and start you exit strategy, see an attorney or 2.

What’s been happening since DDay 2?

Ugh, I’m so sorry you had to hear and endure that - it’s truly soul crushing. I also put an audio recorder in my WH car because I felt like something was "off" (truly just a gut instinct was telling me, nothing more or less). I felt crazy for doing it and that I was breaching his privacy and a complete violation of his trust (to my surprise he was the one doing those things).

I’m proud I listened to my gut and put that recorder in his car (you should be too)! For me my WH described his "A" (I use quotations because he was using his coworker to get BJ’s on his way home from work - there was no chit chat about future plans together or running me down - it was just purely about floating his own boat; had I have heard some sort of emotional bonding in addition too the act I might of felt 100x more hurt and be thinking things out a bit more differently then I am currently). Not that it really makes any of this sort of betrayal any better or worse.

Again, I am so so sorry you had to hear those awful things being done and said, I can only imagine that the words hurt more then the actually act.

Were you given full transparency/timeline of DD1 and DD2 (is it the same AP, does your WW know that you know about DD2 and how it was discovered)? What is your gut telling you now?

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 2:35 AM, Sunday, January 21st]

OP,

I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

Can you please clarify whether the recordings were AFTER DDay 2 or before?

Regardless, please get yourself a lawyer first and take care of yourself for the journey ahead.

Hi. Thanks everyone for your reply.

Some answers to questions.
@ Heartbrokenwife23.

Again, I am so so sorry you had to hear those awful things being done and said, I can only imagine that the words hurt more then the actually act.

Strangely very true. Not Saying I've forgotten or got over actual act, however it's deffently a case of words hurt more than stones. It's the little things she said that I still can't get out my head.

Were you given full transparency/timeline of DD1 and DD2 (is it the same AP, does your WW know that you know about DD2 and how it was discovered)? What is your gut telling you now?

definitely not full transparency after DD1. Unfortunately the same AP. Nothing like the AP being 10years younger to add another kick in the gut.
Yes my wife knows about me putting the device in the car. And im sure the AP also knows. I've had about 80% transparency now. Not sure if I want any more. WW is a lot more open and honest now. CC is definitely helping. But WW still works with AP. That still hurts.

@ Ragn3rK1n. The recording was DD 2. Worst day of my life.
@ Grieving things are better scine DD2. going to CC. Communicating better. Still works with AP. But promise that they do t speak anymore. That Sting right there.

Have you discussed what you heard on the var with her? How did she respond?

Did you bring it up in CC, what did the counselor say? Have you tried IC to work through it?

Please do not be ashamed about checking her phone or using a VAR. Her behavior caused that, not some flaw in you.

But WW still works with AP. That still hurts.

^^^Why is she still working with AP? If she's truly remorseful and the affair is 100% over, she would have quit her job a long time ago.

My WH left a 25-year career after he had an A with a co-worker, and although she lived on the opposite coast and he would probably have to visit her site a couple of times a year (hell no!), he found another job.

NC means NC.

^^^ This

If she is unwilling to find another employer it feels like a major red flag to me. My case is a bit unique because my fWW's AP was here on a student visa, had multiple liaisons and abruptly left for his home country and ghosted everyone. But if he were still around, I'd not have considered R unless my wife was willing to relocate with me and go NC with AP. R cannot happen if WS continues to have interactions with and physical proximity to AP.

What has happened since d-day 2? What changes have you seen? How has she proven that she has changed?

I agree that talking about what she said hurts, but I think holding in your questions will hurt more in the lon run. Holding in issues is a type of rug-sweeping that too often comes back to haunt the rug-sweeper.

What are your boundaries. If you find out she's still with this guy, what are you prepared to do. If you find out about more lies in other areas, what are you prepared to do? (I don't think there's one thing you need to do in those cases, but I think you need to do the what-ifs and get yourself prepared.)

IMO, no one size fits all, except that the people who do well in recovery are those who focus on what they want and on evaluating their WSes for fitting into getting what they want. Also, they focus on their own healing and on their physical and emotional health.

A CC who keeps pressure on the WS to take responsibility for their behavior and choices and who helps you rebuils a healthy sense of self can help you a lot. A CC who thinks the relationship has any impact on the WS's choices won't. CC tends to treat the M, but your M didn't fail. You didn't fail. Your W failed. IC is likely to be more successful at helping your W change from betrayer to good partner. IC is more likely to help you get through the anger, grief, fear, and shame of being betrayed.

Do you really want to stay together? efore you answer that, I urge you to go into the R forum and read https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/

Also, go into the WS forum and read https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/.

How does your W behave now? Does she conform to the behaviors Onlytime and Hufi-Pufi describe?

I can be pretty blunt, so I'll continue with:

Don't give up hope. You may not be able to R, but you most definitely can survive and thrive. Heal yourself. Don't wait for your W. Don't make your healing depend on hers. Life can get good again, better than it's ever been. Your M as it has been is over. You may or may not be able to rebuild your M. But you most definitely can rebuild your life and feel great after you've done it.

Seriously, I can’t repeat these words enough - I’m sorry you’re going through this trauma. Like @Trdd asked - did you go over the recording with her (what was said) - if so what was her response?

Like you, my WH and the OW still work together (I could get into my story of why this is still the case, but I won’t). Just know that time is ticking and either she is leaving (aka legit getting fired because she’s crazy and not good at her job) or my WH will be leaving period - he knows that and has no problem leaving if it means a chance of us working through this. Absolutely unacceptable for people to continue working together under these "circumstances." Have you and/or your WW discussed her leaving and getting a new job? NC I feel is a must.

How is your CC going? Are you seeing progress? How is your healing going? Are you guys doing R or are you considering D?

Like you, having a backseat show isn’t fun. You can never unhear.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 6:20 PM, Sunday, January 21st]

I've had about 80% transparency now.

Still works with AP.

Why are you willing to accept so little from your WS? You are worth more than the low bars in the two quotes above.

Nothing less than 100% transparency, and an immediate change in the job situation would be the minimum you accept.

But promise that they don't speak anymore.

This is one of the biggest jokes around. It ranks almost as high as 'We are just friends.'

As long as the star-crossed lovers are in proximity of each other, there is a 99.9% chance the A continues.