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OK guys, I did it. I sat around all day waiting for my sister's call. Couldn't take it, so went on a run and stress cleaned.

Then she called. I had notes laid out of how I thought the conversation would go incase I got too flustered or emotional. It went about how you would expect: (the below is not exact quotes, but approximate from what I remember)

Me: hi sister, thank you for calling, how's your day?

Sis: *tells me about her day and tells me its been stressful*

Me: Have you thought anymore about what we talked about last time we spoke?

Sis: Yes, have you?

Me: yes, what are you thinking?

Sis: I think it's incredibly rude and mean of you to force your way into my life when you haven't been here for the last years (I've been stationed overseas) and think you have to come in here and fix my life. You're not here, you don't understand. your life is not as complicated as mine is, mine has a lot more moving parts that you don't even know about"

Me: help me understand then, I want to understand

Sis: No you don't! You can never understand, you wouldn't understand.

Me: I'm trying to. What do you expect me to do in this situation

Sis: to just leave the US and go back to (where I'm stationed), and leave my life alone. If you tell my husband about my affair, I can promise you that you will never see, talk, or hear from me or my daughter (my only niece) ever again in your life.

... and I don't remember a whole ton of detail after that, because I was pretty hurt. But she pretty much said all the things you guys said she would. She said that if I tell, I would be ruining her life because she would lose the house and the cars, and have no health insurance for her or her daughter. That I would be ripping her daughter away from her because she would probably get split custody. That I would be ruining her AP's life and hurting the business. She clarified that the AP doesn't have any direct dealings with money, he's just in training for that position once the current finance guy leaves next year. That I had no idea what I was talking about. That I couldn't force her to make the decision to get a divorce or stay married.

I told her that she was the one that made the decision to have an affair, and couldn't she see that what she is doing is wrong? that every second spent with AP is a second she's choosing to not fix things in her marriage, and that she's actively choosing to hurt people.

She blew up at me some more, and reminded me that her husband's birthday is in two days, and Christmas is right around the corner. That she wanted me out of her life, and that she will never trust me again, that I was a shitty sister, and betraying her as a family member is disgusting and a lot of other things.

I told her I didn't think this conversation was going anywhere and we should stop talking.

She agreed. So we hung up.

I then wallowed in self-pity for a bit and considered just calling my brother in law to tell him everything because she obviously wasn't listening. It was back to the drawing board for a few hours.

Then she called me again. "well, sh*t" I thought to myself. I was out of energy to fight with her.

I answered though.

Sis: Hi

Me: hi...

Sis: I don't like how that last conversation ended.

Me: me either.

Sis: I appreciate you sharing your views and opinion with me, and I'm glad you let me know what you think. But I need you to respect my decisions even if you don't believe they're the right decisions. It's my life and you can't just decide you're going come in and force me to make decisions when you're not even around very often. you've made your point known, and I am acknowledging that what I am doing is wrong. I understand that. But you need to respect what I do with my life. It's my own life, and not yours

Me: I could step back and respect that... but the problem is it's not JUST your life that is being affected by the affair. It's yours, your husbands. AP, OBS, their 3 children, and possibly the business. Every day I dont say anything, and just let this keep happening is a day where I betray my own beliefs and what I feel is right.

Sis: that's fair..... (long silence)

Sis: Can you just step back and let me figure things out?

Me: I can step back as soon as you let your husband know that you cheated on him and come clean with the details. i don't care if you decide to get a divorce or stay with him. But he deserves to know so he can also make that decision.

Sis: .......OK. I can do that. But do you understand that I don't want to tell him right before his birthday and Christmas?

Me: yes. I can understand that. But each day that goes by is a day that someone else might tell him, and I think that's going to absolutely blow up in your face. Other people have already been suspecting things, mom said she thought it was weird that you were wearing AP's jacket at work the other day. AP's wife and your husband are probably already suspicious from what happened with you texting and kissing him 6 months ago.

Sis: yeah.

Me: you need to tell him.

Sis: *sigh*... OK, I will.

then we said I love you and hung up.... So it obviously didn't go amazingly. But I am really happy that she is going to tell him. And quite honestly I'm astounded that she agreed that what she is doing is wrong and agreed that the truth needs to come out. Once her husband knows, he will let the OBS know.

As far as her and AP being able to get their stories straight--yes, I guess they will be able to do that. But unfortunately I didn't have any hard evidence to prove the Affair, how long or how often it had been going on outside of a verbal confession, so I really don't know many details. I also wouldn't really have been able to get any hard evidence being away from her.

As far as her following through? I go back to my hometown in 2 weeks. And she knows she will have to face me, and that I'll be able to talk to her husband while I'm there. I'm glad she's coming clean, and I really am surprised and respect her for calling back after thinking about what I said and agreeing to tell her husband. I did not expect that at all after the way our first conversation went.

I'm sure it's not going to go as smoothly as I imagine in my head from here on out, but I'll keep you guys posted. I also know that maybe going right to her husband was the better thing to do. But I truly did not have any proof to give him. So her admitting that she's sleeping with another man is just as good as me telling him she's sleeping with another man. But I wanted to allow her the decency of confessing herself, so they can hopefully start the rest of their relationship (whether it be R or D) on the right foot.

Lemme know what you think, and if there's anything else I should do in the meantime

*edited to correct spelling and add details where I remembered them

[This message edited by Blove9336 at 12:19 AM, Monday, December 4th]

She called you back to do damage control.

She's not going to tell him they had sex. She will say it was a crush.

She doesn't want you to tell now,because it's almost her husband's birthday. Yet, she will still be in the affair on that day. Somehow that's ok.

Your BIL, and the OBS will be lied to. You're being lied to.

Her poor husband.

Yeah, I do worry she will lie. But I did specifically tell her that I was going to need to talk with her husband after she does to make sure he knows. And she agreed to tell him they had been sleeping together. She still says "it was one time". I don't believe that, but I also don't have any proof to prove that it wasn't. She agreed to cut the AP out of her life and agreed with me that she cannot talk, be with, look at, message, or any physical or virtual contact. That she needs to figure out if she, him, or both are going to leave the company.

She said OK to all these things, so I am going to give her a chance to work on it. I know that might be naive. But I have to give her a chance. If she does tell her husband that she's sleeping with the AP, that's the only information I could tell the husband anyway. And if she doesn't, then I'll tell him in person when I go back in 2 weeks.

Hey OP. You might want to keep all of this in one thread for simplicity.

You know she's not going to tell him, right? She has gotten you to back off because of the birthday and holidays. Then it will be Ukranian Christmas, New Year's, world secretary day, and anything else she can think of to stall Dday. Once you are gone, your ability to deal with this will be greatly diminished and she is probably counting on your distance to let her manage the situation in real-time as you play catch-up.

She will stall, obfuscate, deny, minimize, anything she can. For her, this is survival. This is classic. Even though my EXWW looked at her A as an exit A to some degree, when she was about to be outed, she begged,pleaded, and bargained her ass off, saying that her M would be ruined and she would go to therapy, anything not to disclose.

You seem like a nice person, and this whole process may introduce you to some of the darker, more base human behaviors. Before Dday, I knew there were horrible people in the world, theorically at least. I just didn't know of any. As you progress,your bullshit detection system will get upgraded. Once you see things as they are, you can never unsee them.

You did very well, I'm glad you had to knowledge of SI to prepare you for the predictable responses.

She said that if I tell, I would be ruining her life because she would lose the house and the cars, and have no health insurance for her or her daughter. That I would be ripping her daughter away from her because she would probably get split custody. That I would be ruining her AP's life and hurting the business.

Funny how she knows the risk and damage, but then puts that on you. This strait out of the cheaters handbook. Also she want to spare him for his Birthday and Christmas but continues to cheat. See how her concern for AP is greater than that of her H? She is trying to drag this out so she can control it.

[This message edited by Tanner at 1:52 AM, Monday, December 4th]

Gently, all your sister did is pacify you to keep quiet.

She's going to go home and come up with one of the scenarios many members here discussed. She's probably already had a conversation with OM to come up with a game plan.

She's manipulating you again, there is never a good time to find out about an affair, it'll be his birthday, Christmas, Valentines' Day, your father's birthday, and 100 other excuses.

She said that if I tell, I would be ruining her life because she would lose the house and the cars, and have no health insurance for her or her daughter. That I would be ripping her daughter away from her because she would probably get split custody. That I would be ruining her AP's life and hurting the business.

^^Your sister owns this hell she is creating and she is trying to put a guilt trip on you. She is a master manipulator.

Please take the advice of the members who are supporting you. All of us have walked through these gates of infidelity hell.

How do you think your BIL and your dad will feel when they find out you knew yet didn't give them the courtesy to inform them they are living a lie?

Your sister will be continuing the affair during your BIL's birthday and Christmas, and in the meantime the other BS with three? kids is clueless that her husband is a pos to be blunt.

If your sister and AP work together, it was much much more than one time.

My WH had sex with OW once because she lived on the opposite coast. I caught them the day before he was to travel to her site for round 2 of their afternoon delight.

I think you did well all things considered. A few important things though...

1. You need to have a hard deadline of when DDay will occur. The sooner the better.

2. You will need to be a backstop of information of sorts. I mean, your sister didn't merely cheat on her husband your BIL, she is instead still *actively in an affair*. She had sex w AP many times--and is still having sex with AP.

3. You better believe your sister is likely lying about going No Contact with AP. Instead they will be taking their affair underground.

4. You may want to introduce your BIL to this site. He will more than probably be devestated after D-day, but he will be in good hands here.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:11 AM, Monday, December 4th]

In general you better believe that your sister may have no intention of telling BIL and may just be trying to buy herself time.

And....she probably has no intention of really ending her affair either.

She clarified that the AP doesn't have any direct dealings with money, he's just in training for that position once the current finance guy leaves next year.

He should not and cannot be given that position, your parents need to know this so they can stop wasting time having him trained.

That she wanted me out of her life, and that she will never trust me again, that I was a shitty sister, and betraying her as a family member is disgusting and a lot of other things.

She's not someone to preach about trust as she's actively in an affair. So she sees her perceived "betrayal" by you as disgusting but doesn't have the ability to point that judgemental finger at herself. Does she not view her affair as a disgusting betrayal to her husband and her child?

She's going to put off telling her husband as long as possible and will more than likely downplay everything when she does. She's citing his birthday and Christmas as reasons to put it off and yes it would be painful for him but honestly the day he does find out will be just as painful. His birthday, holidays, vacations, and many other special dates and memories will be forever changed and looked upon differently by him. There is no way around that pain.

You've done the right thing. If she doesn't follow through you could always notify her husband anonymously. Let her have her fits and her threats, none of it would be a concern had she remained faithful.

You did a hard thing, well done.

It is almost certain that your sister is now deleting every shred of evidence that your BIL could use to help him reconstruct his reality once he learns. You may not know, but learning about an affair is extremely traumatizing, and your BIL and the OBS are both going to need to figure out what happened in the time stolen from them. What your sister is actively doing in this moment as I type this is probably decreasing her ability to ever reconcile with her husband and making his recovery more complicated.

I know you did something hard and brave. Can you find one more in you? Tell him now, it’s more important than a birthday or Christmas, it’s not even close.

I understand that you are trying to do the right thing because of what the consequences might be of husband finding out. How is that outcome going to change, if she in fact tells him?

I know that many will disagree with me here but you are meddling in a situation that you do not know enough about! If I were your sister, I would cut you out of my life from here on because you cannot be trusted and your motivation for meddling seems highly suspect.

I agree that your sister needs to tell him but what I do not agree with is your giving her a threatening ultimatum.

So I would recommend that you work on why you are threatening your sister, really. Also work on talking with her and trying to really get her point of view with no threats! Maybe then you may convince her to do what is best.

I would recommend that you work on why you are threatening your sister

If you hadn't noticed her sister is in an affair and putting many family members at risk including the family business.

Gently, I agree with the opinions above, but also, I think your sister is maybe going to tell her husband that you are crazy and not to believe you if you reach out. She could be painting you to be the bad guy right now. I would just tell him and be sympathetic and tell him what you do know and how. It’s hard, but realistically, it’s what’s fair. If you are unsure on doing that, send an anonymous email telling him. You can make up a Gmail if you need to.

Also gently…

Also agree with all of the posters expressing angst as the only hope of BIL seeing any evidence goes flying out of existence.

But I did the same as you. Instead of drawing a hard line with my husband to address his inappropriate relationship with his subordinate I gave him a few months. One of the worst decisions of my life. But i understand. We have a "truth bias" with people we love. When they talk like the person we used to know we want to believe them, believe their good intentions. I did just what you did so I understand.

It is hard for us SIers, watching from afar, to not want you to alert the two sets of BSes right now (tonight!). But, I am still impressed by what you have done.

It doesn’t sound like your sister has good intentions right now. She tried to play you by emphasizing you living far away—how dare you have your own life serving your country. She is manipulating you but threw in enough nice words to try to exert damage control. She will be a force to be reckoned with—a cornered animal always is. She is acting from her lizard brain—all self preservation now.

Maybe you should play a little clueless and innocent and text her in two hours to see if she has done it. Make her think you had assumed she would act ASAP. When her affair fog clears (fingers crossed) she will be your sister again, but not yet and not anytime soon.

I ultimately had to out my husband, the "good doctor", in front of everyone at his workplace. He took his two month grace period and made his circumstances infinitely worse. His reputation will never be the same and I also brought shame on myself and family. But it was the only way. He was making horrendous decisions even as he tried to unwind the disastrous situation he had created. Your sister knows how bad her situation is, she is running scared.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 6:00 AM, Monday, December 4th]

She is going straight to AP, who if he is like 90% of male APs will pull away from your sister and start worrying about his wife.

It won’t take him long to realize he has the legal advantage here. He will get her in writing saying things that are even more wildly unprofessional than what she has already has said, worsening her legal situation.

You need to warn her not to put any further communication with AP in writing. That is now evidence for his case against your family.

Blove9336,

Hi, WS here. Well done for having that conversation with your sister. That must have been extremely difficult for you. Especially difficult given her reaction.

I was going to reply to you previous post, but I saw this update.

I agree with the posters above. Your sister seems to be in a similar place to most of us waywards have been, in that she is trying to do damage limitation. It is of course possible that she will tell BIL, but I would be surprised. The first call seemed to me to be very defensive, with your sister minimising and deflecting. Not only that she threatened to write you out of her life. I doubt she had a change of heart that quickly. I know changes to me have taken years, not hours. My past reactions have been similar, if not worse.

I would suspect she is in contact with AP and working on a story to tell should this come out. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year etc are just excuses to not come clean. I've used them all to. Even if she does come clean, what are the chances of her being truthful? It's hard t tell.

Still Confused raises a good point on AP though. I would imagine him dropping her like a stone should there be a risk of this coming out.

It doesn’t sound like your sister has good intentions right now. She tried to play you by emphasizing you living far away—how dare you have your own life serving your country. She is manipulating you but threw in enough nice words to try to exert damage control. She will be a force to be reckoned with—a cornered animal always is. She is acting from her lizard brain—all self preservation now.

I agree with this a lot. She's not in a good place.

I think you would have been better off simply letting your dad know and let him take the next step.
Especially with this new info of the AP being "in training" rather than THE chief financial officer.
After all – IMHO the main threat here is to the business.
Your sister can divorce her husband or reconcile. OM can divorce his wife or reconcile. Heck… Next year OM can be your new BIL. But if this is a family business then the murky situation right now is a MAJOR threat to it’s existence.
The longer your dad is kept in the dark the worse this is for the business. From the often-mentioned threat in dismissing OM to the stark fact that two key employees are engaging in an act that threatens the business. Might be infidelity now, but could be embezzlement or whatever tomorrow.

Like right now, your dad might have a legally acceptable path to dismiss AP. These positions require a combination of backbone and integrity.
– if the AP were to claim to be pressured into the affair he shows a lack of backbone, making him a weak candidate for this central position that is critical to the business.
-If the AP does not hide behind being pressured, it indicates a lack of integrity and honesty. Neither character traits you want your chief financial officer to have.

Both valid reasons for why your dad might take him aside and offer him some nice way out…

It would then be your dad that possibly gave your sister a grace-period to clean up her house, and it wouldn’t be on you.

Well done. That's a conversation a lot of people would have avoided.

There is no perfect way of doing this and I think some of the posts here are too idealistic. Even if you told your BIL directly she could still delete evidence and in fact she probably already did that a long time ago. Most WS don't keep the evidence intact for others to discover during an A. You can manage the situation based on how you see that she acts.

I do think it woukd help if you stick to one thread from now on rather than creating a new one with every new facet of the situation.

If you hadn't noticed her sister is in an affair and putting many family members at risk including the family business.

I did notice it! If you did not notice it, if this is the poster's reason for telling her brother-in-law, then she really does not have the best interests of her SISTER at heart. And the reason is very suspect - the family business indeed. The poster herself is stationed somewhere else in the military and is not active in the "family business". And how exactly is this being threatened?

FWIW, I agree w the others that giving your sister until the day after Christmas to tell her BH, is just giving far too much time. He really needs to be notified much closer to NOW. I do sympathize that *you* were not the one who cheated and you were hoping for a nice holiday w your family too. Probably most people on this thread understand that as well.