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Hi y'all,

Long story long: Since my first pregnancy (the child will be 7 soon) my SO has been distant. And very critical of my appearance. I used to be hyper-slim; now I am curvy. I honestly, for the last seven years, I tried everything. Talks, mc, suggestions, articles. All was denied. Turns out I was right all along. He has let media (porn and tv) f up his view of women; this caused the hyper critical stuff about my appearance. And for the last three and a half years, it escalated to comments on lots of only-fan-esque content makers on the big forum with the R. He gave compliments to the ladies. Kind, sweet, generous compliments - not even gross ones, he can't do dirty talk. Complimenting their softness, while complaining of mine. Admiring their long hair, while negging mine and causing me to cut it all of. And then not noticing a 50cm hair chop.

And as it turns out, there were online emotional (and sexual) affairs with these ladies. Chats, photo's, messages over kik and snapchat how their days were.

While ignoring me.

You know, THE USUAL!

I found all of this out last july. Lots of trickle truthing. He never realized (or so he says) that this was cheating. Which is funny, as I was the one who told him about onlyfans and that that was not okay with me... as were whatsapps and photo sharing... but this was on nofans, and not whatsapp but kik, dontcha know? So it was different.

Anywho. He now realizes how bad of a thing this was for me. And he now notices how much all that secret lady apping took from our relationship, now he's stopped.

But he's not yet doing the work to fix this. Admittedly, with the summer holiday we didn't have much time to gather our footing - although I DID do my work, my share of reading, and he keeps twatwaffling around.

And I _want_ to try to forgive. I really want to. But I am so ANGRY. And the anger keeps getting worse. I can't seem to calm down any more.

Yes, IC has started, but slowly. And so far, it's general - the specialized IC has long long waiting lists.

And the anger is just destroying us all, and it doesn't any of us any good. It doesn't make him do his side of the work and it hurts me, too.

Does anyone has any advice? Sure, anger is to be expected - after all, I just found out and am in the proces of "landing". But any advice... would be so much appreciated. Because this is not helping anyone and ...well. this just sucks so bad.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are here.

He's been doing this for years, it will not be an easy habit to break. How can you be sure it's stopped? It sounds as though it's an addiction.

About the anger, it is very normal. Anger masks pain. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and IMO your SO needs to see and feel the damage he's caused.

When I found out about my husband's affair, initially I was in shock, then the anger phase hit. I was a raging lunatic cursing like a sailor which I had never, ever done before.

Sometimes when the anger was too much, I'd get in my car and go for a drive and scream blood curdling screams. It helped, BUT I also wanted my husband to see the pain I was in. That's the way he understood the hell his betrayal brought to our marriage and our family.

IC might be able to give you some techniques to control the anger, but understand it is always there just underneath the surface, and those emotions need to be felt not dismissed.

Is your SO Doing whatever you need him to do, being completely transparent, deleting those apps, giving you access to his phone, social media, etc? How many affairs did he have? He might be a sex addict, only a therapist can diagnose him. If he's not doing the work, he's really not a good candidate for reconciliation. Why would you want to continue in a relationship where your partner is not invested in the relationship? Maybe that is something you can discuss with your therapist. He has betrayed you repeatedly for years not only emotionally and physically but mocking you and your appearance. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a good guy at all.

You have well deserved anger b/c YOU have been doing the work for years but he has not done very much.

Assaults on your appearance has taken a toll on you as well.

You have been in a one-sided relationship with your partner/SO.

You need to get some professional help. It will help with the anger, help with your healing and help you figure out what is best for you.

As far as the anger is concerned I would separate from him and get some space. That works for me.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are here.

Thanks. Sad to be here. Weird thing: for the last few years I've been reading here and there on infidelity groups. Like I vaguely sensed something was up. :(

It sounds as though it's an addiction.

Yes, and no. This guy has practically not been raised, let alone with knowledge about sex. From what I gather, he - for years - wrote it off as "all men watch porn". And since he was watching vanilla porn (basically, women going solo while looking deep into your eyes) he considered himself as one of the milder watchers. That quickly scrolling 5 times per day was abnormal probably got lost in the nile... or denial? That said, he did hide it from me. And he damn well knew commenting and messages and photo exchanges was boundary crossing.

I just don't know. Part of me genuinly believes he had no idea it was this bad. Because he's dumb as rocks in some departments. But... I know I'm not the best judge of character right now.

About the anger, it is very normal. Anger masks pain. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and IMO your SO needs to see and feel the damage he's caused.

well that is just the point. He can't stomach my anger. He wilts like a lettuce in the sun. But thank you for telling me - this is normal. I keep thinking 'the relationship should be a place where he wants to be in now' but honestly? I don't feel very warm and fuzzy. And yes, I need to work through the anger to feel the hurt...

That's the way he understood the hell his betrayal brought to our marriage and our family.

I thought as well. But people see the effect it has on him. (On me, not so much...) it's like I should let it go already, because he knows by now... and he also walks around like a Sad Dobby. Saying my anger gives him the idea I reject him and hate him vs SEE WHAT YOU DID TO US, YOU IDIOT. I start to wonder if he's even capable to see or feel that.

IC might be able to give you some techniques to control the anger, but understand it is always there just underneath the surface, and those emotions need to be felt not dismissed.

my counsellor is right now working with me to lessen my guilt and keeping me functioning. The anger thing I've shortly adressed with one of my best friends. She's a psychotherapist, but also my friend, making it very hard (for her) to give advice. But youre right. I do need to feel... and anger is easier to feel than sadness.

Is your SO Doing whatever you need him to do, being completely transparent, deleting those apps, giving you access to his phone, social media, etc? How many affairs did he have? He might be a sex addict, only a therapist can diagnose him. If he's not doing the work, he's really not a good candidate for reconciliation. Why would you want to continue in a relationship where your partner is not invested in the relationship? Maybe that is something you can discuss with your therapist. He has betrayed you repeatedly for years not only emotionally and physically but mocking you and your appearance. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a good guy at all.

This is what I fear as well. He's not doing what he needs to. He's so terrified he can't telle the truth, and he keeps cowering in a corner (figuratively, although... almost literally) whimpering but not DOING anything. Says he doesn't know how. I find that so strange. No matter how awful you feel now, doing nothing surely must feel worse than reading a blog or book about fixing stuff and trying something... but that's how I got in this mess. Believing others surely were as faithful, willing to work, and self aware like me.

Sadness.

You have been in a one-sided relationship with your partner/SO.

Well hit me sideways with a broomstick :( Two years ago (ish) we were in MC and there he said that yes, our romantic relationship was dead at the time. Which broke me. I moved into another room, then he moved me back and he moved out, and then he kind of just slithered back. We spoke about it a bit but not much, I don't even know why we didn't. That is unlike me. I got sick at that time, too. And then we sort of continued but with less of a dead bedroom. Why didn't I listen? ...wait, I did. The last months, I did try to talk, but he shut down. Convinced me he did love me, and... I don't know. It was me. I guess. It doesn't help I had so much brain fog. Looking back... what happened?

You are right. All this time, I was with a roommate who pretended I was his partner. I pretended. You're the first to say so, excepr myself in fits of desperation (and then I got denied).

You need to get some professional help. It will help with the anger, help with your healing and help you figure out what is best for you.

it is starting up, but going so slow. Which is normal. But it's not helping.

As far as the anger is concerned I would separate from him and get some space. That works for me.

I officially moved all his clothes out of 'our' bedroom where he wasn't sleeping any more. But real distance is hard. I'm currently disabled, or sick, how you want to call it... pretty bad long covid. Also in a country where it is NOTORIOUSLY difficult to divorce right now. Near impossible for people of our economic status. And the day to day works fine.

Hence why I want to try... or better said, why I want to give him the chance to try. It's in my best interest, too.

But so far, he seems as stuck as a container ship in the Suez. And my anger does not help - although I start to think nothing will.

Can't find the edit button... too tired. Sorry for the written diarrhea....

How many affairs did he have?

He's been giving, I estimate, in the low ten-thousands of comments to gonewild and nofan girls. Nice, sweet compliments, not gross. Weirdly nice and loving. Very strange. To see that as cheating is debatable. However I know that with 4 of them he had short pb-contact for a while. And one on KIK. The KIK one was about a month, then he was like shit I need to stop. The other Reddit ladies were mostly nothing much. He says. I cannot confirm; too much deleted. Except the last. I can see that since february, he was heavily involved with giving her compliments and from what I can find they had contact over messagers as well. I can find traces in google translate.

I contacted that lady. She confirmed what he told me: the sexual comments were (mostly) on her public posts. In the messages, it was more about hobbies. Him wishing her good luck restoring furniture. (While I was restoring out fucking HOUSE....) Plants. Gardening. And, and, and... that lady also politely informed me that 1) she considered him a friend (therefore confirming that yes. That was a real online affair) and 2) _he had not given me the right username, was I sure I had all the info, maybe dig some more because you are being lied to_.

So, there is that. Does it count?

Keep in mind also, that for years we had a dead bedroom (not of my choice) and I didn't get any compliments. At ALL. That also makes it cheating. He did online SO GENEROUSLY what he should have been doing live. (I like being done!)

mocking you and your appearance. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a good guy at all

I used to look like... well. Young, slim, small boobs. Fit. After the kids I looked different.

He saw mostly slim, small boobed ladies. On tv and on porn. I think he _genuinly_ thought for a while that I indeed was overweight. Because ...no reference material. And by that time, he already saw real women as uninteresting, and he probably had PIED, aka, turned himself into a pornosexual. I think he genuinly for a while believed I was weird looking _but that was because of porn_. Doesn't make it any better. But once I spoke out that I suspected this was going on he did shift to milf-porn and was able again to get it up with me.

God. That makes it sound even worse. But also... my god. Why was he so far gone?

He didn't used to be like this. He used to be quiet, kind, shy. He still is. Helps people. Is willing. Just horribly depressed and damaged. And so, so DUMB.

What happened? With him, to get so selfish over the last decade? To me, that I ....didn't stand up earlier?

What happened? My god. What did I allow to happen to me?

Maybe your anger is a manifestation of his inactivity?

An IC/therapy is like a personal trainer at the gym. If you want to change how you objectify women (increase your biceps) the personal trainer can show you the best exercises, how to do them, when and where BUT he can’t do them for you. Your husband can watch the IC do push-ups for an hour every third week, but that won’t change an iota on or in your husband.
If he’s not doing the work… if you are not doing the work… if you are not doing the work together… nothing is getting done, nothing has changed.

Look – there is a big difference in why people change. If he stopped online porn because it made you mad then that’s not a permanent fix. If he stopped because it objectifies women in a negative light and gives unrealistic expectations and is morally outside what he should accept… that is a totally different result.

Marjorane, so sorry you are here. It's okay to feel angry. That anger is RIGHTEOUS. He wronged you, he criticized you. He destroyed your self-esteem! It sounds like he's not doing much to seriously address the situation. I'd be angry too! You found out about the messaging/EAs in July so it's only been a couple of months since discovery. Of course you're still angry. It takes time to move through it. As you said, ya gotta feel the feels to get through the feels. AND anger can be a useful thing. Use it! It can light a fire under you to get things done, to do what you need to do to take care of YOU. But don't let it consume you. Turn your focus towards you. Be kind to yourself. The proverbial frog incrementally boiled to death in the proverbial pot of water didn't understand what was happening until it was too late. You're like that frog. So, cut yourself some slack. Practice meditation if that appeals. How about detaching from him a bit more. Any way you can get some space away from him for a while - a visit with friends or family?

He's stopped for now (we hope) - cold turkey. Stopping for you is a first step, but he needs to come around to the idea that he must stop for HIMSELF.

I get the impression that he doesn't get it - that his porn use is a huge problem. Yeah, the messaging and so on took time/energy away from the relationship and the dead bedroom hurt you. Comparisons to the warped porn depiction of the female body and judging your body hurt you. But the porn abuse has literally rewired his brain! Does he understand THAT? PIED points to SERIOUS quantities of porn use (you know this). Usually porn abusers have to up the ante - escalate their use of porn over time - turn to more intense imagery - to get their neurochemical rush. He's been abusing for years. Are you SURE "soft" stuff was the only stuff he was using? This is something to investigate further to be sure you have all the truth.

He spent $$$ on these women, correct? If they sent "personal" photos, usually payment is exchanged.

"Interacting (ahem)" one-on-one online with cam providers, group sessions where providers are asked to perform etc. can add up significantly. Years of porn abuse $$ can accrue into shocking amounts. If he spent $$ on porn, assuming you share finances to support the family, 1/2 that money is yours. Even if you both keep finances separate, it's important to understand what his $$ priorities are. There is a family to support. Suggest going through financials with a fine-toothed comb to understand how much $$ was spent on porn. Porn charges can appear innocuous on credit records, so dig deep with a skeptical eye. If he was spendy, seeing in black and white the total amount of $$ he spent on porn could be a needed harsh dose of reality to help him understand just how egregious his porn habit has become.

Digging into the porn use and financials could be painful. If you can afford it, maybe use professionals to dig into the records - to spare yourself some pain? That gal was right to advise you to dig deeply because he's lying. Porn abuse is insidious. Different user names, hidden credit cards can conceal yet another secret sexual basement.

Sorry, I know this is scary. You came here asking for help managing anger, and I'm laying out some dark possibilities - suggesting you get all PI on your partner. Maybe I've spent too much time on infidelity support forums and seen way too much duplicity so am charging ahead precipitously - BUT dear Marjorane, you have to protect yourself - and your child. Liars lie, and then they lie some more. Maybe you won't find anything you haven't already discovered. Hope so. Remember, knowledge is power, and it's important to understand EXACTLY what you're reconciling with if reconciliation is seriously on the table.

ETA:

Screen use seems to be his thing (snark ;-). Unless 100% screen-time ban is in place during cold turkey perhaps the general IC can recommend some porn abuse/support series on YouTube or another platform? At least until the specialist is available? Might get more traction asking him to view some online streaming content rather than asking him to READ books or blogs.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:56 PM, Wednesday, September 27th]

Has he read How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's a really good starting point for the WS. Another good one that helps with boundaries is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

You have every right to be angry. For me, I would go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. We lived out in the country, so sometimes I'd sit on the stoop and howl with the dog.

Have you considered that his belittling of you and silence is a way to control you? It may be considered emotional abuse. So is the withholding of affection and lack of sex. My XWH would use porn and wouldn't put any interest in our relationship. Also, he had given me grief about my weight for a long time. I lost a lot of weight, and then his AP outweighed me by 100+ pounds.

I have to agree with the other posters that indicate there's more to this.
He has been abusive to you for years. So much so that you don't realize it was abuse. The mean comments the withholding of affection is abuse. The financial piece of this is a huge Boulder to turn over.
His behavior is indicative of addiction. He can't just cold turkey this. You need to find whatever device he is using currently. There's an old phone or tablet or a burner he has purchased.
Also he isn't doing the work because he hasn't been made uncomfortable. He knows you don't want to leave. So why do any work? He needs to be motivated. He so far hasn't felt any consequences. I would mandate he get full STD testing and you should as well. Protect yourself and your kids.
See an attorney if you have not. Get a full understanding of what your rights are and what his obligations are.

Have you read about covert narcissism? The person is not a loud buffoon but still gets all the attention.

So sorry you are here. Re the anger, not only is it because your boundaries have been cruelly breached but your WH is basically a hypocrite. I also wonder if with the dead bedroom from you becoming a mother and your changing figure etc has meant he has increasingly parentified you, projecting ‘mother’ stuff, which might partly account for his cowering now. Certainly the fan/ porn stuff seems very adolescent behaviour, and the preference for slim and small boobed bodies seems to tie in with that pubescent/ post-pubescent shape. May be useful for him to explore in IC, that period in his life and his relationship to his mother, anyhow.

As for your anger, when it becomes unproductive to express as it sounds like it is, it is best to try to expend some of the energy of it elsewhere so your conversations can be more constructive. I took my anger into the swimming pool so as not to verbally excoriate my WH. He remembers a sense of me being angry a lot, but tbh he doesn’t know the half of it. Underneath is of course pain, as Ann says. Not being very good at crying, i eventually through extended deep breathing managed one night to tap into the deep deep sorrow I was feeling. I cried for a long time and it was very healing. Crying is very releasing and the endorphins that it releases are literally healing. Am not sure of the nature of your disability and whether physical activity/ anger release is possible but certainly crying is a must. It feels hard to be vulnerable with the perpetrator of your distress but perhaps also your WH needs to see the deep deep sorrow you feel. This of course might trigger the sense of shame and the sense of being a big disappointment that im guessing he has carried around for a long time, but there is something of an amnesty offered in the vulnerability of crying that hopefully also allows him to let down his defence of shame and guilt and shift it to empathy and remorse.

It all does sound very knotty. IC for you both if it can be afforded would be very helpful as it sounds like there is a lot to unravel. Big hug to you. It sounds like you’ve had to brace yourself against his criticism for a long time, which is very relentless physically and emotionally and takes its toll.

Practice meditation if that appeals.

I'd like to expand on the meditation theme. Tons of how-to mindfulness/meditation tutorials online. I have the luxury to sporadically attend Buddhist services. The public setting forces me to sit and be calm while thinking peacefully :-). Don't have to be a practicing Buddhist to attend. Attendance is free - another bonus. There's something so uniquely soothing about communally meditating with other humans that can't be replicated. Is there a temple near you? If you feel intimidated, most larger temples offer mini "how to" sessions before services. Check temple websites for all kinds of useful info. Lots of temples offer Zoom type instruction if you don't live near a temple or can't get away from home.

Post D-day a lot of my anger was "what about ME!" anger. The A happened as we were transitioning to empty nesting. I was looking forward to spending more alone time with him. I was an excellent wife, lover, organizer, housekeeper, parent, cook, cheerleader, paycheck/benefits provider, etc. etc. etc. for 28 years and now (after 28 years!!!) THIS was my reward - a vacuous, entitled A with an old high school girlfriend? Sheesh. So, I decided it was about time I took care of ME for a change. Mindfulness practice was part of that.

Marjorane, I'm guessing not much emotional support and cherishing is coming from him, and hasn't been for a long time. Plus you're a mom to two children - THREE if you count your moping man-child partner. Maybe purposefully scheduling some mindfulness sessions into your busy and stressful life will help to shift emotional gears away from anger at him, towards cherishing yourself.

Hope this helps!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:51 PM, Wednesday, September 27th]