SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Six weeks ago DDay struck, I found SI and started posting in "Just Found Out." I’ll spare you the details but the overview is that he cheated once before we were married, and just had another one night stand again almost a decade later with a colleague. He’s been fired, he’s facing a potential legal charge related to the affair, and every single aspect of our lives has been negatively impacted. We have young children. He claims he had been happy and had not considered cheating, it was a drunk night when he made a bad decision based on opportunity. It confounds things even more.

My WH kept saying he wanted to try to save our marriage and we both entered IC. We were both waffling and I second guessed his actual desire to try. I was not seeing actions or hearing words that somebody desperate to keep his family together would do or say. I met with an attorney and drafted divorce, child custody/support and separation agreements myself as insurance. I started posting in "Reconciliation."

And here I am today, firmly a new member of the "Divorce" forum.

My gut instinct all along was that my WH didn’t have the depth of character to make changes or desire to put in the work to attempt to reconcile. He destroyed too much by being unfaithful, and by choosing to walk away he wouldn’t have to confront or deal with what he did. I knew that even if he was on his knees begging and pleading for me to give him a chance my decision would still be divorce. But I wasn’t going to give him a hall pass. I needed him to make another decision that ripped apart the family, to be the one to admit he couldn’t handle the hard work that would come, that he would walk away with the narrative that he couldn’t put in the effort, didn’t want to actually try. Not vice versa. He finally got that conclusion this morning.

So now it’s logistics. He meets with an attorney this week to get the agreements in process. My attorney will of course review and represent me. We agree to file immediately and I’ve asked to file a separation agreement and child custody/support agreement immediately because unless I am legally required to remain in the state where we are I will be moving with the kids before the divorce is finalized. He will pay spousal support and child support and half my rent until the divorce is finalized (then alimony kicks in and child support continues). He agrees to see them every other weekend (or have the option to). I plan to go across the country to a city I used to live in and where I have some friends who can help support me as I settle into a new community. I don’t know when I will move, I’d like it to be by the end of the summer so I can settle the kids before a new school year. But I may be stuck starting the school year here and moving them at winter break.

I now have to sort out, after the timing of the legal things, when I can move, how I can secure housing from across the country, who will rent to me without income (I’ve been a SAHM mom with a tiny hobby that brings in very little money), how to get daycare lined up outside of school hours, how to pay for everything, how to get FT work with benefits after not working for several years, how to logistically pack and move and unpack on my own with young kids and a pet. How to deal with their emotional needs and get them into therapy. How to eventually get myself dusted off from the mess he has created and is walking away from.

When he finally came clean I told him I respected his decision and felt sorry for him that he was so weak that he could set his family on fire and turn his back to walk away. That he was pathetic that he destroyed everything and couldn’t put in any effort to try to apologize and repair. He just reiterated he was sorry, he had been happy with me, he wanted nothing more than to have a happy marriage with me again but that he couldn’t see it happening and yes was giving up.

I am not surprised and it certainly cements who I have learned he really is. But damn if it’s not disappointing, that on top of all he has done he has decided I’m not with the fight, his kids aren’t worth the effort. That he voluntarily agrees to see them 10% of the time because he is too selfish to even make an attempt at saving the family — not that it would have worked out or that I would even commit to R. But that it’s just not worth his time or effort and he can in many ways avoid confronting what he has done if he doesn’t have to face the person he wronged each day.
Out of sight out of mind I suppose.

I’m not sure if I’m asking any questions here, just needed to vent. I literally went from being happily married six weeks ago to divorcing, with my life completely altered in every single aspect. I’m still in shock and bargaining, haven’t even reached the anger phase truly, and now it’s all fast tracked to forced acceptance.

Sorry, Fold. I don't think he had it in him, either. I'm glad he told you now, rather than prolonging the torture. It sounds like you have a good plan in place.

Sorry, it really sucks.

There's a post where you can post what you'd like to say to him, but it helps you stay NC.

[This message edited by leafields at 12:06 AM, Monday, June 19th]

Thanks, Lea. You’ve been so supportive (everyone has) on the boards and it means a lot to me.

I don’t know how somebody who claims to love his wife and family can torpedo everything and leave the broken pieces behind without giving it a second look.

All I can gather is that he simply isn’t who I thought he was, and his lack of actions between DDay and today showed me who he may actually be, and today’s decision proved it. My poor kids. They are worth fighting for. And I think I am worth fighting for. He says that we all are but he can’t do it because he cannot see it working and he doesn’t want to try. He’s choosing the easiest path for himself despite the further carnage he is exacting on the people he claims he loves. I have never felt more disposable in my life.

But if you were going to divorce him anyway no matter what effort he made (and I am absolutely NOT saying you shouldn’t!), then what WOULD he be fighting for? He’d lose out in the end anyway, and you’d get the satisfaction of sticking it to him, "sorry sucka!!!!" style…..and the vengeful side of me so totally gets the desire for that, I assure you.

But you were going to do the same thing anyway. Same outcome, etc. I guess I can’t blame him for self-preservation. And hey, at least he didn’t make you look like the bad guy.

I’m sorry you’re struggling.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 1:52 AM, Monday, June 19th]

I see what you mean, Darkness. The outcome would have been the same.

But I held my cards close and didn’t tell him I had decided to D. I told him I was going back and forth (I was until a week or so ago when I was certain) and I think he thought I wanted to try to make it work deep down.

So I am both surprised he decided to D and not surprised. I did not think that he truly had it in him to make changes with integrity and heart, but I thought he may have said he wanted to try for a number of reasons… Financially, because it makes him look better legally, social optics of being a family man, because he would lose ability to see his kids so much. Not that I would have accepted a fake attempt at R. But I am saddened he is so willingly deciding to walk away, without even attempting to try. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. He is turning out to be someone I really don’t know, and it’s a stark difference to where we were and who I was happily married to six weeks ago.

From what little I’ve read of your story, what shocks me the most—and a lot of it is shocking—is that he is willing to live across the country from his children if you take them there. How terrible. Father of the year, there, eh?

Hmmm this sounds a lot like my now xwh.

Looking back, he didn’t fight for our family bc he was hoping he had a chance with OW. Also he could walk away from our children bc he and possibly OW convinced himself that "kids are resilient, and they’ll be fine". He also would not have minded if I moved bc then he wouldn’t have to face his sons and he could say I deserted him and took his children from him. Whatever.

I should have moved to where I had supportive friends and family. Believe me it’s horrible when the Dad stops coming to events, and there’s no family in the area. Your WS could also move away and then you’d be stuck where you are and as the kids gets more involved in their lives in your current city it’ll be even harder to leave.

My atty told me if I moved, then my WS would get all summer visitation. That isn’t really true, he would have 1 month regardless and looking back, he would not have made the time for them. I could have come back to the area and stayed with a friend here while visitation was going on. (OW is a scary person).

I am so sorry you married a lazy coward who would not fight for your marriage and family and you!!

I told my H I was D him b/c I had no choice. He left me with no choice. My H decided then and there to fight for our marriage and R. He knew there were no guarantees. He knew that it could fail.

But he worked hard anyway.

IMO your H wanted to R as long as you were willing to sweep this under the rug. And that never would have worked. And YOU know that.

I’m so sorry for you and your children. Their father is a real coward b/c he’s not even willing to TRY to make this work. Boo hoo he’s a "victim" — poor little boy. 😡😡😡. He just is going to remain in a place that he’s comfortable in.

I’m sorry he’s upended your life in so many ways and on so many levels. But maybe it is for the best. I’d hate to see you spend years trying to R with someone who doesn’t have the same mindset. That would be worse wasting years of effort IMO.

Earlier on you implied that divorcing now while he was facing charges of non-consensual sex with a subordinate could be seen as some form of acknowledgement of guilt. That his legal team had advised against filing since the lack of support of a "loving wife" standing by her man might be seen to his disadvantage.
What changed?
What makes him initiate the divorce?

Does this make you reconsider all the "legal" advice he and/or his legal team offered?

Darkness Falls: Yes, the irony is that he made this decision on Father’s Day.

He cannot legally leave the local area currently. I no longer have a community, social circle or any semblance of support here. As it was we have lived in this state less than a year. He supports me relocating. He agrees to see the kids as dictated by the court, which will be every other weekend if desired. If and when his legal situation clears up his intent is to move to the city I will be in. Don’t know if or when that will happen. Not my choice of course.

I have to trust he is showing me - now - the person he actually is.

Homewrecked:
I am so sorry that you have been through something similar and your kids have suffered for it. I can’t imagine how hard it just be to know and your kids to know that their dad is making a conscious choice to see them less. I am sorry that you felt alone to navigate and wish you had moved. I hope you now are either in a better location or have built up more of a supportive network where you have stayed. I agree the longer one stays the more enmeshed you get in an area, especially when factoring in schools, kid activities and so on.

We meet this week with our respective attorneys. Unless he changes what we have agreed to he will have the option to see the kids every other weekend, a week at spring break, and every other select holiday. I don’t even know if I will be able to relocate until the divorce is finalized. I am hoping we can get an emergency hearing for temporary child custody and support and the separation agreement so I can start making plans. It scares me to think I would be moving with them in the next 6-8 weeks but I also don’t want to be stuck here, start the school year and have to pull them in the fall to move when it could be more disruptive.

There are no good options. Everyone just continues to lose .

1st Wife: thank you for your message. I continue to be so happy for you that you and your husband have been able to make a good life together after the affair. It is encouraging to a lot of people in the forums I know.

I am still feeling stunned to be honest that he has chosen so quickly to give up. I think he is selfish, lacks character, and is a coward. I don’t want to fight him on custody but it still hurts that he is so willing to give up so easily and so quickly. I don’t think R would have worked and I know false R is damaging, but I admit I am disappointed there is just no willingness to make an effort. He traveled a lot for work — about 70% of the time. So he is used to seeing the kids not very often and they are used to seeing him not very often. Perhaps this is the life he prefers.

Fold, I'm sorry that things have gone this way. It doesn't matter that you felt certain of D. There is still a good chance that you would have given R a chance if he made a real effort starting just before he dropped this bomb on you. We all know the rollercoaster and it's not far to say that you would not have had a successful R if circumstances were different.

Something about the timing of this happening also didn't sit right with me. Bigger touched on it by pointing out a contradiction in things he's said previously. Makes you wonder if he's been honest about what his legal counsel has been saying or if he's been using them as a convenient excuse to push for whatever he wants. I can't help but wonder if maybe something more has come to light that has changed his circumstances where being married or not won't matter. That could be something good for his case causing him to realize that he doesn't have to pretend anymore or it could be something bad where he thinks he is protecting you and the children by separating now. You may want to make a plan for the worst case scenario regarding his legal issues just in case.

Bigger: his legal team did not advise him not to divorce. They just said they would focus on defense and they wished him well with his marital problems.

I was afraid that divorce would show that there was some measure of guilt. I thought the optics would look bad. But his legal issues are out of my control. I’m not going to go shout out that we are divorcing or anything. I plan to quietly get this handled and move. If people ask either of us then we each can answer what we want to answer. Who knows what he will tell others.

The only thing that changed is that I made him sit and answer some hard questions. Asked him to look inward. To consider the damage he has done and the work ahead. I made no guarantees or threats (other than if the OW is pregnant or he goes to jail I am totally out). I think he grew tired of having to address me, having to talk, having to confront what he did. Nobody else is making him do it. His friends and family don’t know. Most of his former colleagues don’t know. Just one or two confidantes and his lawyers and his therapist. He didn’t have to admit what he has done to me to anybody … except me. And I think he couldn’t handle it. He wants to forget it happened and push me out of sight and out of mind. To divorce me so he doesn’t have a physical reminder of his guilt maybe. To construct whatever narrative he wants to to explain what happened to himself or to others.

I can just presume that he realized he is weak, he has too much on his plate with his killed career and legal problems and maybe the last thing he needed was to have to make amends to a wife or deal with small kids.

I find it incredibly sad and I actually feel sorry for him. That he is so selfish. And I am reeling with pain. I cried and walked in circles all day yesterday and was awake almost all night. Last night he told me he was going to be in the kids lives and a good father. I told him he had a vision of what type of father, husband, soldier, and person he was and it didn’t match with reality. He just sat there stone faced and I left.

Nekonomida: thanks for your supportive message.

He has had no updates in the past few weeks from his legal team. They said it would be very slow. There are no emails, texts or calls with the attorneys other than one message saying there was no update that week.

What happens legally is up in the air and as devastating as it is, to my life, future, the kids, and my reputation unfortunately, it is completely out of my control. Best case he is punished, retires and gets a new career. Worst case he goes to prison. I have provisions in place (in our documents that will be filed) for both, and what happens with custody and finances if one or the other occurs. I actually have plans outlined for four potential outcomes and feel it is pretty well fleshed out. It could always be amended if needed.

I want to get far away from here to avoid the scrutiny that will come. The area I plan to move to is not a military community and I think that will help. As it is when I am at a store or the library or on a walk I am constantly scanning to see if anybody I know is around and if they are whispering or staring. It’s not healthy for me to be here.

It's possible he's been done with the marriage,long before you found out he cheated. He was simply pretending,because he appreciated the perks. So now that he's caught,he's not putting in the effort,because he has been done for awhile.

Or, he loves you,but a cheaters idea of love is fucked up. And,like all cheaters, he's a coward,so he knows he can't do the work necessary.

It is especially cruel that he's known this,since dday. He was putting you off,with lame excuses, because he wanted you to hang around,so it looked like he had your support, after being accused of sexual assault. He knew it would look better on him in front of his superiors,and court if it went that way.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:17 PM, Monday, June 19th]

Dear Fold,

Sadly, it looks as if you’ve been right about your husband all along. He really seems to lack character or courage.

I’m sure your head must be spinning with this huge "to do" list ahead of you, but you seem level headed and organized and you will get to your goal- step by step.

I have been impressed by how you have dealt with such a mess. I think you were right to wait until he made the final call (even if you had already decided). He can never blame any of this on you. He took the coward’s way out. You will get through this and I think one day you’ll be glad that you’ve moved on - without him.

Best of luck and PLEASE keep us updated on how things work out for you.

HellFire: Perhaps. I don't know. He says that he was not unhappy in our marriage, that he loves/loved me, that he loves/loved our family and the life we put together. He was excited about our future plans and goals. Maybe it is a lie, but I don't know when he has nothing left to lose he would continue to say, even when asking for a divorce, that he wants to be in a loving marriage with me.

I don't know if he knew from DDay that he wanted to divorce. In the first few days and weeks he said he wanted to try, wanted to stay together, wanted to make it up to me. And then as time went on his actions didn't match his words and he admitted he was not sure what was best. And then the last week or so I knew in my gut he was going to want to end it. And he did.

I both know him and suddenly don't know him. I am so incredibly hurt. More than I thought I could be hurt after all of this has happened, I am hurt and disappointed even more. I know this isn't about me. That he cheated because he is a cheater and he lied because he is a liar. But I feel so disposable. I have lost all of my confidence and self esteem and I feel weak and worthless.

BeachGirl: Thank you for your supportive message.

I listened to my gut, about what I thought he would do and what I knew in my heart had to happen. And I knew that for myself I needed him to confront me and be the one to walk away so that he had to deal with the fact that he again chose to further hurt me and forever tear apart our family. I didn't want to give him another easy way out. Now it is up to him if he pushes what he did to me and our family forever into the past or addresses what he has done in any fashion to improve himself. It doesn't really matter in the long run, other than I don't want to coparent with somebody so broken and dishonest.

I am still stunned with how easily he has decided to end this. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am. The surprises just keep coming, especially the depth of pain I can feel and still stay upright.

I can just presume that he realized he is weak, he has too much on his plate with his killed career and legal problems and maybe the last thing he needed was to have to make amends to a wife or deal with small kids.

And an added layer might be that he's fearful that he will go to prison, and he'd rather have you and the kids settled before that happens. He could be framing it in his head as some sort of martyr type move. I can't imagine the stress that he's under. You too, of course, but at least you didn't cause this mess.

Regardless, it's terrible for everyone. I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:26 PM, Monday, June 19th]