SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone
First I am so sorry this has happened to you all. But I am glad I found this forum so I can feel less alone and be with people who understand.
I am totally destroyed and I’m looking for others thoughts, advice, etc. My situation seems to be a little differ from what people or more importantly I think of when I think affair and I struggle to process. We are a couple in our 50s-60s.. We had plans…dreams..retirement.
On Thanksgiving I caught my husband texting what I thought was an old flame. Upon investigating I learn that he broke up with her before we started dating but have since learned that within months of our starting to date he started hooking up with her again. I have learned this has went for our whole relationship of 7 years. Essentially I never had him to myself except for maybe the 1st month or two of us dating. And it physically continued through all of our dating and into our 1st year of marriage. Then she gave an ultimatum to come to her and leave me. He said no. But then within a short period of time they started up a texting/sexting relationship that has went on and what I discovered on Thanksgiving. Note we are 7 years into this relationship dating then married. He says no sex with her since 2019. But back when they were physical he had met up with her when I was at work and he took her on one of his work trips. He hid it from everyone family, friends, etc. His take was it is was over and just texting till it ended. Sadly he is doing pretty good now because his burden is gone but finally today in counseling he realized the burden is severe and on me. He is making apologies but I just can not let it go. He was graphic in details which has sent me down a dark rabbit hole. He just keeps saying he not worth etc.. i’m struggling in so many ways. This was totally unexpected. People say no sex, unhappy, poor treatment and the reasons that lead to an affair. We didn’t have any of that. We love each other, we’re a family, intimate, do things together. like a model family that friends wanted to have a relationship like. Not one thing off beat to suspect. His best friend kept saying, I can’t believe it, makes no sense. We started marital counseling within a week of finding out. What he has processed is the other was a toxic relationship and she was very needy and manipulative and kept drawing him back in. But it his fault as he went he says. He says he now realizes she was a lot like his mom and he was trying to save her as he had his mom since he was a kid. He also works to avoid conflict which we are addressing.
thoughts?
Thank you

I’m so sorry you had to join this club, Cloudyworld, but it’s a great place to be in our situation. A lot of help will be along very quickly.

For what it’s worth, my WH got involved with a HS girlfriend, and he’s similar age group to your WH. It’s a pretty cliched thing around these parts.

The general wisdom on this site—as well as my own experience—is that marriage counseling is a bad idea this early in. As someone wise said on this site: the marriage didn’t fuck someone else; he did. He should be in individual counseling to figure out why he is okay with doing this to anyone, let alone to a person he says he loves. It is usually rooted in family-of-origen issues, but that is no excuse. It’s his job to figure out how to be a safe and caring person. After all, he’s not exactly a child anymore. It’s time for him to grow up.

It’s really important for you to focus on yourself, what you’re experiencing, and what you need right now. Focus on him is not going to be super productive at the moment. He needs to focus on himself and figuring out how to help and support you after the trauma that he has imposed on you.

So I’ll give a few standard suggestions. Try to hydrate and eat if possible. Avoid alcohol. Try to exercise or at least take a quiet walk if possible. Engage in very active self care right now. Oh, and get tested for STDs. I know he says that sex hasn’t happened for awhile, but HPV can lie dormant for years, and can also cause cervical cancer.

The holiday season right after discovery can be very brutal emotionally, but this is the worst no matter when it happens. I’m so sorry.

Sending you hugs of strength and support. Stick around. You’ll get lots of support here.

People say no sex, unhappy, poor treatment and the reasons that lead to an affair. We didn’t have any of that.

People say…

Here’s who says that:

Cheaters, in an attempt to blame shift, and the ignorant uninitiated who blame the victim in an attempt to assuage their fears and reassure themselves that something so unthinkable will never happen to them.

There is never a rational reason to cheat. If the sex is bad you communicate, educate, work on it, get counseling and therapy and if that doesn’t work you kindly ask for a divorce. If you’re unhappy, you communicate, work on it, seek therapy and counseling and then if all fails, kindly divorce. If you’re treated poorly you communicate, work on it, get therapy and counseling and if all else fails, divorce.

No where in the book of love, the covenants of marriage, the court of public opinion, the Journals of marriage and family therapy, and all the journals of psychology does anyone ever suggest anything as mutually destructive as infidelity as a rational, loving, healthful, productive remedy for any form of discontent in a marriage. That’s just nuts and it has been recognized as nuts since before the Old Testament.

The real reasons for cheating are entirely within the cheater and go way beyond simple impulsiveness, poor problem resolution skills, sexual addiction, poor self esteem, sense of entitlement, validation, depression, chronic dissatisfaction etc. These are all symptoms of something more fundamentally wrong that needs to be deeply explored with the help of a therapist.

Your WH must wholeheartedly dive into IC to figure this out. Not just to please you, reconcile the marriage and become a safe partner, but to also reconcile with himself and his issues that have probably haunted him in various ways his entire life.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:29 AM, Friday, December 16th]

I'm sorry he's done this to you. Please know that everything you're feeling is normal. You are in no way responsible for the fact that he as done this.

People say no sex, unhappy, poor treatment and the reasons that lead to an affair.

People who say that are either making excuses for their own cheating or they're living in that blissful state of ignorance that many of us inhabited before D-day where we were certain that our spouses would never betray us because they were happy, well treated, and sexually fulfilled.

The statistics say different. Half of men and a third of women who cheat admit to having had a happy marriage.

I'm not sure your WH is fully taking responsibility. SHE drew him back in. HE was trying to rescue her. How noble. How did this hero justify years of betraying the person he had vowed his fidelity to?

Are you certain he has broken off contact (NC) with the other woman? Has he given you full access to his phone and all accounts? Is he accountable for his whereabouts? It is very common for cheaters claim "it's over" when it's really not.

Has he written out a full timeline of everything he has done to betray you? It's important that you have a full picture of events to understand the depth of his betrayal. It may affect your decisions on how to proceed.

I agree that it's much too soon for marriage counselling. A marriage counselor sees the marriage as the client. Right now your WH should be in IC to understand what he has done and why. You would be better served by IC with a therapist who understands trauma to help you understand that feelings that you're experiencing right now.

Cloudyworld,

I'm so sorry you're here, but so glad you found us.

People say no sex, unhappy, poor treatment and the reasons that lead to an affair.

That thinking is a myth. It's flawed thinking about "why" people have affairs. That thinking puts at least partial blame on the person who is oblivious that their partner is making secret decisions and taking secret actions to betray the marriage.

Even in a "bad" marriage (and no relationship is perfect), cheating isn't justified. If the cheater was miserable in their committed relationship, they have many ways to resolve it--incuding leaving. Cheating is never justified.

That said, LOTS of cheating happens in happy marriages. It's a mind bend, I know.

What you're coming to terms with is that the cheating was due to an extremely flawed partner. Every person who cheats does it because of their own needs. It's not their partner's fault. It's not their relationships fault. It was their own choice.

What cheaters have in common is that they are self-focused and lack empathy. The affair was feeding their own need, at the expense of their spouse. Scary stuff.

In your husband's case, it seems like he had a Knight in Shining Armor (some shorten this to "KISA") thing going on. He gets a powerful feel-good brain chemical dump when he is "fixing," supporting," and "helping" a woman who is a mess. He justifies his actions to himself by telling himself she "needs" him...but he is doing this at the expense of betraying you and risking your safety (with sexually transmitted infections). He also does this at the cost of is own vows and the destruction you'll feel upon discovery. He helps her...and himself...but destroys you in the process.

He likely wasn't thinking any of that consciously. He wasn't allowing himself to see the costs or the damage. He was focusing on his needs and what he was getting out of it. He was compartmentalizing.

None of this justifies what he did--making choices and taking conscious actions moment-by-moment, day after day, for years. But it does lend insight in why he did it. Again, terrifying stuff--to realize that our partners are so self-centered and lacking in empathy for us, the people they made commitments to, the people who should be able to trust them the most?? It's scary that our partners can compartmentalize and justify destructive actions on that level. It's mind blowing and terrifying.
And painful. So very, very painful.

So, yes, you'll find a legion of people here who get it and who truly empathize with your pain. There is a wealth of experience here.

Draw some strong boundaries to protect yourself. What helps you feel safe right now? Does he need to sleep in another location? Does he need to live in another location?

It's common to ask for complete access and transparency on all electronic devices.

It's common to ask that he seek individual counseling (from a counselor who understands that the marriage wasn't at fault).

Individual counseling for you (as others have said, from someone who specializes in betrayal trauma) can be very helpful.

Focus a lot on your own care: eating well, staying hydrated, taking walks or getting other exercise. Sleep when you can and get a doctor's help if you're struggling to sleep.

What's helping you right now? What's not helping?

Support and strength to you!

Thank you everyone. I have been a mess and it is helping to hear I am not alone.
He has taken full responsibility and saying in no way was any of this my fault. Initially he was flat but it seems in our last session he was saying his burden was off his shoulders cause I know but didn’t realize till now just how much it has become a burden to me. We had been discuss individual counseling in addition to marriage. I am going to ask our counselor for it for both of us at our next appt. He has trauma from child parents divorce and divorce from his first wife. He also has been crying a lot, etc. He has deleted and got rid of everything to my knowledge connected to her. I have full access to his phone, computer etc. I also have a location app I can check at anything. He has been trying to tell me in the morning his plans for the day, etc.. He is retired so lots of free time. My job has changed so now I can show up at home any time and work from a lot.
I am trying self care but this has rocked my world. Loss 9 lbs in the first week. Eating is a challenge. I have medical struggles that don’t help either.

I am so sorry. You will never make sense if any of this. It doesn’t have any rational or logical explanation.

I think you really need your own individual counselor. Someone to support you while you are trying to recover from this trauma.

Also if you need to be separate or apart from him, you can certainly mashed that request if you think it would help you.

I didn’t eat much for 90 days so I know that situation. Stay hydrated. Avoid alcohol. Drink shakes if you cannot eat right now.

Keep posting here so we can continue to support you. Hugs to you - from every betrayed spouse/partner here at SI.

i will. Thank you. I picked up protein drinks so hopefully that will help.