well my world got rocked on Thanksgiving

Hello Everyone
First I am so sorry this has happened to you all. But I am glad I found this forum so I can feel less alone and be with people who understand.
I am totally destroyed and I’m looking for others thoughts, advice, etc. My situation seems to be a little differ from what people or more importantly I think of when I think affair and I struggle to process. We are a couple in our 50s-60s.. We had plans…dreams..retirement.
On Thanksgiving I caught my husband texting what I thought was an old flame. Upon investigating I learn that he broke up with her before we started dating but have since learned that within months of our starting to date he started hooking up with her again. I have learned this has went for our whole relationship of 7 years. Essentially I never had him to myself except for maybe the 1st month or two of us dating. And it physically continued through all of our dating and into our 1st year of marriage. Then she gave an ultimatum to come to her and leave me. He said no. But then within a short period of time they started up a texting/sexting relationship that has went on and what I discovered on Thanksgiving. Note we are 7 years into this relationship dating then married. He says no sex with her since 2019. But back when they were physical he had met up with her when I was at work and he took her on one of his work trips. He hid it from everyone family, friends, etc. His take was it is was over and just texting till it ended. Sadly he is doing pretty good now because his burden is gone but finally today in counseling he realized the burden is severe and on me. He is making apologies but I just can not let it go. He was graphic in details which has sent me down a dark rabbit hole. He just keeps saying he not worth etc.. i’m struggling in so many ways. This was totally unexpected. People say no sex, unhappy, poor treatment and the reasons that lead to an affair. We didn’t have any of that. We love each other, we’re a family, intimate, do things together. like a model family that friends wanted to have a relationship like. Not one thing off beat to suspect. His best friend kept saying, I can’t believe it, makes no sense. We started marital counseling within a week of finding out. What he has processed is the other was a toxic relationship and she was very needy and manipulative and kept drawing him back in. But it his fault as he went he says. He says he now realizes she was a lot like his mom and he was trying to save her as he had his mom since he was a kid. He also works to avoid conflict which we are addressing.
thoughts?
Thank you

7 comments posted: Friday, December 16th, 2022