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Yesterday was our 1 year wedding anniversary. I was out of town at "parent weekend" at my son’s college. My WH texted asking when I would be home to let the dog out, as he had left for a 4-day work trip in the morning. I said my plane would land at 5:30pm, and he asked if anyone could go by sooner since he was worried that the dog would need to go out. I pulled up our driveway camera footage on my phone to see if my other son had already been home or not, and noticed that all the cameras had been rebooted and footage was missing for most of the morning and night. I scrolled back to what was the most recent, and found a video of my WH and this OP walking out our front door at 11:30 at night, drinks in hand, to walk our dogs. 15 minutes later there is another video of them coming back, with him having gotten the mail and telling her to just push on the door since the knob doesn’t turn. They went inside and locked the door.

Those videos were 1130 at night. Our anniversary started at midnight. I sent him the clip of security camera video and said I thought this was mine: our home, our evening ritual of having dinner together and walking the dogs with a cocktail in hand and talking about our day. He wrote back "fuck baby" and "let’s talk when I get home" and "I love you." Later he sent me more texts along the same lines, also including I am kind of glad you found out and I’m sure you’re glad too because you’ve been wondering and it’s been dragging our relationship down. Like, me being suspicious of what he was actually doing was the important piece, not what he was actually doing. I said let’s talk when we’re in person. He said it’s not as bad as it looks, and he would bet his whole retirement that I think it’s worse than it is – what it looks like is that he gave this woman our evening routine. Making dinner, snuggling on the couch , making a cocktail, taking our dogs for a walk to get our mail. That is the centerpiece of our relationship and we just talked about it Friday night at our anniversary dinner; how precious the companionship of these evenings is to us. (When I got home I found a piece of filet mignon and a salad and a half~eaten jar of salsa in the fridge. My tongs and spatula were put away in the wrong drawer. He must have cooked dinner for her in my kitchen, and carefully washed all the dishes except for my dirty coffee mug I had left in the sink before my trip.) He also said he was ready to "bare it all" and hopes I would believe him and that this wouldn’t be the end. AND, late at night I pulled up the camera footage and he had deleted both of the OP videos (which I’d already seen -weird) so I don’t believe his claim that he’s "now" ready to be transparent. I am in shock.

He will be home on Thursday. In the meantime I have thrown out our bedding, our cocktail glasses, my Yeti mug that she was carrying, our dogs leashes and collars, our orange peeler that we used to make those cocktails, and the throw pillows on the couch that we used to curl up and lean on. I threw out the high-heeled shoes and lingerie I wear just for him. I feel blessed to have a very dear and empathetic friend I went out for dinner with when I got home last night, who listened to everything, helped me stay calm and breathe, and is supportive of me whatever happens from here. I’m going to go see my counselor this afternoon, because I really find that I really don’t know what I want. I thought I wanted this. I want this house, love this man, I want him. I don’t want this. I don’t know how I could live thinking about this in the future. I want to hear the story when he gets back, because from where I’m sitting, it looks like this woman materialized into my house at 11:30 at night and he gave her all my things. My space, my dogs, my drink, my companion. My walk. My mail. I’m throwing everything away.

Trying not to freak out! I’m going to go buy new collars, leashes, and expensive bedding on our joint credit card today and try to process the shock and deep disappointment to find out how I feel and what I want for the rest of my life. I’m trying not to send that security video clip to anyone but my counselor. My insides feel hollowed out. I can’t focus on work. I am tempted to throw out our wedding album and pictures too (which by the way were all over the house that my cheating lying WH brought this other woman to) but a remote part of my destroyed mind registers that I might possibly regret that. I have to figure out how to move through the next few days. Any suggestions are welcome.

Throwing stuff out might feel cathartic, but it's no substitute for taking more definitive action like booking an appointment with an attorney, getting STD testing, and going through your banking and phone statements for evidence. There's only one reason I can think of for him to make a point of deleting that video evidence and it's because he doesn't want you to be able to show it to people, people like family, friends.. and divorce court judges. That doesn't sound like "so glad you caught me, I'm ready to be an honest broker now". It doesn't even sound like "it looks worse than it is". At one year, you should still be honeymooning, not dealing with adultery. The guy couldn't even go a year without cheating on you. That's not good.

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.

He is minimizing already and trying to hide "evidence." I don't know if he realizes what he has done and if he can't understand that, it might not end well.

I am shocked at how brazen he was. My heart is breaking for you.

I agree with CT. Be proactive. Find out who she is. Is she in a relationship. You can do a lot of research today.
The jacka** could have told you as soon as you told him exactly what is going on. I am ALWAYS very suspicious of that off putting statement to wait. He needed to clean that up immediately. Watch your shared money. If he is online try to see it. Look at your phone bill. I suggest a PI. Costly but quick.

He’s behaving like a typical cheater.

Covering his butt, deleting the video and saying "he loves you and doesn’t want a D" is very sooooo typical responses to getting caught.

It’s not what you think it is — hmmm, Mr Cheating H, pray tell exactly what is it b/c it looks like an affair to me.

Don’t react right away or decide you want to R. I don’t care if he’s crying and begging - the fact he cheated on the first year of marriage is 🚩.

Take your time to decide what is best for you.

You may want to have him Sleep on the couch or another bedroom. If you make it too easy for you to reconcile, there’s a chance he will cheat again.

So very sorry you are here. Bringing the AP to your home is one of the nastier things we see here at SI. It's a dealbreaker for some more than the sex. Brutal stuff and my heart goes out to you.

I agree with the sentiment that action now is important. My advice to you:

Radical self care: you're in shock and have been, whether you realize it or not, traumatized. Eat, drink, rest, sleep are all very important to your physical health. Be kind to you. Nurture yourself like you would a sick child. Whatever brings you a modicum of physical or mental pleasure, indulge it. A lot (except booze and drugs obviously). IC falls into this category as well. As does building a support system for yourself (your friend sounds amazing).

Boundaries: almost zero BSs are prepared to end their marriages on Dday. We're too busy stumbling around in shock and awe at our ruined marriages. But just because you don't know the final outcome for you, doesn't mean you can't set boundaries right now to protect yourself while you heal out of the shock.

Some boundaries might be:

he can go find other living arrangements or at least, he no longer gets to share your bed

you will not tolerate further lies. if he tells the truth now, you may consider staying married. if you find out later he continued to lie, your marriage is done.

Transparency: whatever that means to you. It might mean you want the APs name. It might mean you want access to his computer, phone, whatever. He does not get to delete anything, at all, starting now.

Communication: you will talk and ask questions when YOU need to and as often as YOU need to. He can power down until you need him. And any defensiveness or fatigue at having to hear YOUR pain that HE caused will not be tolerated. The conversation will end, period.

There can be many more based on what you need.

I want to stress that the above advice is not about reconcilliation. It's about helping you back on your feet. It's hard for newly betrayeds (and even some of us older timers) to comprehend but you really won't know what you want or how to get there UNTIL YOU HEAL. Your steps right now are about soothing your wounded heart (self care), creating a safe(r) place to exist in right now (boundaries) and processing your pain (IC, communication).

I find his label for her shocking: "fuck buddy"

He's trying to sound casual about it while also minimize the seriousness of the situation and also make it seem like he doesn't think much of her, thus, she "isn't a big deal, nothing special."

Wow!

So he'd throw his marriage away for someone and something that he wants to paint as not a big deal? Risk it all for...nothing?

And how does he think this will seem better to you?

Does he have narcissistic tendencies in other ways? Because he already seems to want to act like he's Teflon here. No blame can stick to him, because, ya know, it's casual, no big deal...and apparently you should thank him that this is out in the open now. Whew! Glad it's out now...because, ya know, the secrecy and suspicion was what the REAL problem was...

Whaaaattt???

He wants to play casual and glad that it's out...yet he's deleting security footage both before and after you discovered. That doesn't make sense.

I'd change the locks before he gets home and leave what he needs in the garage.

I would bet what you discovered is the tip of an ugly iceberg.

So, so sorry for you. You deserve way better! Hugs to you.

Oh, gosh, I'm so so sorry.

As painful as it is, it might help to do some reading here on the stories of other BSes and then batten down your hatches because it's likely you're about to hear a stirring performance right from the cheater's script. You're about to hear all the minimizing where he says it meant nothing, he never said he'd leave you, he never told her he loved her, 'we only slept together once', etc. Then he'll tell you that the only reason he did it is because he felt neglected/unappreciated, you were working so much, he felt like you weren't paying him any attention, he wasn't getting enough sex, etc etc. In other words, it's YOUR fault, not his.

Be prepared. The BEST outcomes I've seen on this site (whether the couple ended up divorcing or reconciling) were born of the BS deciding they weren't going to put up with that crap from the get-go. Remember, HE is the one who screwed up. HE is the one who should be groveling to get YOU to stay in the marriage, not the other way around. Don't beg and cry. Don't take any responsibility for his choices. He let that wench drink out of your mug, for God's sake - hang onto the anger. Grieve in private.

Again, so so sorry this happened to you. It's the absolute worst. We've all been there.

Very sorry you find yourself here in this situation. Take care of you. You have received excellent advice. Let me also endorse being proactive. Focus and take action. Always value yourself. Get tested for STD’s, see an attorney to learn your rights, secure your financial and bank accounts. You have been blindsided by your WH’s actions, but don’t let the trauma paralyze you. He’s been deceiving you and “he’s kind of glad you found out”! Hardly!

Be aware of massive gaslighting and even blameshifting. Accept none of it. You deserve better. Good luck.

You all are amazing. I’m so grateful for the advice and support. Here is one question: when WH gets home from his work trip, I’d like to have planned my opener. What do you think of "so tell me what happened" to start? I want to avoid giving him any opportunity to launch into defensiveness or gaslighting because you are right; those are totally his style. And I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want to create an opening for him to pretend this is about me.

I got a good boundary idea from my counselor, to add to the excellent ones in this forum: when we are together in the evenings, he should put his phone in another room. Any chance of reconnecting will require actual focused time and no possible interruptions from the OP.

Small piece of venting: my WH is an idiot in addition to everything else. Not only is he the one who personally bedazzled our house with security cameras and so should have KNOWN better than to bring anyone over, but also he makes less money than I do and I have direct professional influence over his career. My therapist’s assessment is that he’s got some serious screw loose.

I know it’s late. All day I have found myself randomly crying, totally unable to concentrate on my job, and sorely tempted to confide in people whom I know I would regret telling later. It is a huge help to take some deep breaths and reflect on the sage advice and shared outrage in this group. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I know you are still reeling from your initial discovery but the journey you are about to take in this next confrontation is going to be so very difficult.

Your opener is fine.
But I worry about your expectations.

I want to avoid giving him any opportunity to launch into defensiveness or gaslighting

There is no opening that will "prevent" this.

The choice to gaslight or be defensive is his. You can't prevent that. Let yourself off the hook.

One of the most difficult things to accept sometimes is our wayward partners have already shown a huge capacity to serve their own selfish interests at the expense of our safety and trust.

Nothing you did caused it, and you cannot prevent him from continuing to harm you and your relationship through gaslighting, defensiveness, minimizing, or blameshifting. He will either choose those things, or he won't. He's totally in control of these responses.

Most cheaters will do way more damage by choosing these responses and by choosing more lying and trickle truth, because they are used to doing what they want (they've clearly shown that already), because they lack true empathy for us (again, the cheating demonstrates this), and because they are hoping to control & minimize the consequences to themselves.

Your husband already has a narrative in his own mind that he believes "justified" betraying his vows on his anniversary with you. And, yes, he brought her into your house where he had installed security cameras that could get him caught. The evidence that he was okay with his own decisions to cheat is evidenced by the fact that he did it. It's possible he has a "screw loose" but it's more likely that he really feels this entitled--entitled to harm your trust and safety for his own "reasons" and for his benefit.

It is mind blowing to learn that the person we trust most is capable of this kind of selfishness and destruction.

Brace yourself to not get what you want during this next conversation with him. And accept that he is freely choosing his responses.

He's already shown you a bit of what he's capable of.

One of the best pieces of advice on this site: believe his actions, not his words.

It's up to you to decide what to do with the information he is giving you.

I'm sorry in advance for the pain that is still to come. We've all walked similar roads and we are wishing you strength!

I wouldn't worry about an opening, I'd just give him the floor. Cheaters lie. He will blameshift, justify, blah, blah, blah. He has a few days to come up with a more than likely pathetic laughable reason.

Keep in mind his cheating didn't just happen overnight. He may have already cheated with this woman or at minimum it took awhile for the stage to be set for him to invite her into your home for sex.

Do you have any idea who this OW is?

when we are together in the evenings, he should put his phone in another room. Any chance of reconnecting will require actual focused time and no possible interruptions from the OP.

^^^That's assuming he will drop the OP like a hot potato. Burner phones exist for a reason. Always stay vigilant.

You've been married only one year, and he's already cheated. Please think long and hard about your future together bc it will take years and a heck of an emotional roller coaster to move through this nightmare.

Sending a virtual hug.....

What an asshole. And stupid. A stupid asshole. Actually, a stupid, lying, cheating asshole. I start with that because one of the first instincts of every BS is to desperately wish to return to what we thought we had before Dday. The loving, honest, faithful spouse we imagined we had.

The hardest lesson, but the one that must be absorbed first, is that we never had that spouse. That spouse didn't exist in real life. He was a figment of our imagination. Your actual, real-life husband is a stupid, lying, cheating asshole. Do you really want to work to save a marriage to that? A fundamental question you need to answer for yourself.

The corollary is that, no matter what you do at this point, your marriage will never return to what it was. Your marriage might survive, it might become strong and loving, but in some manner it will be permanently different. Even in the best of cases an affair becomes a permanent plus one in the relationship.

That "best of circumstances" only occurs if he is extremely proactive about helping you heal. That means he must have a ton of empathy, he must be sentient and kind, and he must put you first. From what you describe, he doesn't have that in him. Cooking a nice meal for his "fuck buddy" in your home while you're gone, on your 1-year wedding anniversary? People 1 year into a new marriage are normally deeply in limerent love. What you're getting from him now, that's the best you'll get from him in life. Is that man really what you want? If this is his best, what happens when you see his worst?

My suggestion is (a) meet a lawyer, get a divorce started, and hand him the papers when he returns home. Divorces are slow -- like a year or so depending on jurisdiction. You can dismiss at any time, and it is common for divorce cases to proceed in fits and starts as spouses make efforts at reconciling. But the point is, you draw a clear, bright line. He needs to come across that line to you, to make it clear that you are the prize, to try to win you back. As is often said here, get in a boat, point it away from the infidelity, and start rowing. If he is worthy and really wants you, he'll find a way to reach you and get in the boat with you.

Also, schedule an STD test and let him know that there's no touchy-touchy until he has clean STD results.

By the way, stay out of MC for now. He's clearly a broken man with a fucked up moral compass. MC can't help a marriage where one partner is not "both feet in" and guided by a clearly defined set of morals and values. He needs to see IC, and you too.

By the way, the book recommend is: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's sort of the Bible of affair recovery.

Also, look up "DARVO". It's the textbook response of a cheater once caught. Be prepared for a lot of dishonesty at first. Lying and sneaking with respect to his AP has become his normal. Being honest will feel abnormal to him.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:44 PM, Tuesday, October 18th]

You all are amazing. I’m so grateful for the advice and support. Here is one question: when WH gets home from his work trip, I’d like to have planned my opener. What do you think of "so tell me what happened" to start? I want to avoid giving him any opportunity to launch into defensiveness or gaslighting because you are right; those are totally his style.

Of course he will have to tell you what happened. But I wouldn't open with that. Before you ask for his story, set your boundaries and set the tone. Make it clear that lies and BS are not tolerated and any statements of fact made by him will be verified to the best of your ability by any and all means at your disposal. Make it clear that you will accept no more than 0% of the blame for his choice to betray you. I would also demand absolutely no contact whatsoever between him and AP from this moment on, except for a brief declaration of no contact made in your presence. With these boundaries established (plus any other good ones I missed), then and only then would I ask him to tell you what happened.

I'd schedule an appointment with a polygraph administrator.

When he gets home,hand him a pen and paper,and tell him he is to give you a complete timeline of the affair,including dates,her full name,and every detail he can think of. Give him an hour to get it done. And tell him you will discuss it afterwards. And also, that you have already scheduled a polygraph,and your questions will be checked via the polygraph.

He clearly intends to gaslight you. You can put an end to that nonsense with the timeline and polygraph.

ThatIsMine -

I'm sorry that you've had to find yourself here, but it's good that you have. You've already received excellent advice so I have a little to add. First, if you haven't yet retained an attorney, do so expeditiously. Based on what you've shared on what your husband has done and stated, he's an excellent manipulator. He's already framing this as "no big deal" "just a little bump in the road" as if adultery is an expected part of a marriage and just something you "get over." To say he knows you're glad to know too, highly manipulative. What he's done is a serious offense against you, infidelity is abuse. He knew you were suspicious, and what that would do to you, but continued to purposely hurt you. He knew that his cheating was negatively affecting your marriage, but continued. Bringing her into your home is a serious violation to what should be your safe haven. It's abominable. And sharing your routines with her is abhorrent. I am so sorry.

Your husband needs to know divorce is a consideration because he's super manipulative, entitled, and he doesn't fear losing you. He makes it seem like this is some small transgression, like he forgot to bring your car for a tune up, and you'll get over it. It's also generally good for you to know what a divorce would look like and what you need to protect yourself in the event of a divorce because you can't control the outcome. You have to be prepared that your marriage may end. I hate to say this to you so bluntly. The thing is, your husband does not respect you. Everything that he's said since learning you've discovered his affair shows an utter lack of respect. He has a complete blasé attitude towards abusing you. I wouldn't immediately offer reconciliation. He needs to experience consequences, otherwise he will do this to you again over and over. I'd have his bags packed and waiting for him by the door when he returns and have him explain why you shouldn't immediately throw him out and what he plans to do to try and repair this. I think taking down (but not throwing away or destroying) and hiding away your wedding photos & album is a good thing. Your husband needs to know you won't tolerate this disrespect and abuse, and he needs to believe he could lose you. So far he does not. He's even parading this woman around your neighborhood.

Here's what you need to be prepared for: He is going to lie lie lie, minimize, and trickle truth - meaning he'll only give you information a bit at a time (i.e. that was the first time I ever brought her to the house ... OK it happened twice before ... and we only gave each other oral ... ok we did have sex once but I couldn't get it up ... etc.) Especially because he's had several days to concoct his story and sanitize the truth to absolve himself as much as possible. Him deleting those videos is evidence of that.

Most importantly, please take care of yourself! He'll have a much better ability to manipulate a woman who is dehydrated, hasn't eaten, hasn't slept, therefore isn't thinking clearly. This is obviously a big shock to your system and shock dehydrates the body so please drink plenty of water. Try to eat, drink shakes if you have to. See a doctor if you need assistance to sleep. And exercise.

Please continue to post.

Editing to add: I'm just realizing your wedding anniversary is for only a year. Your first year is supposed to be the honeymoon, you should throw the whole man away.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 6:56 PM, Tuesday, October 18th]

You are getting good advice here.
Good idea to have him write things down, and when he is done, take the papers from him (write with pen and paper not on a computer)and say something like "this is your one chance to tell the truth", and you will accept his truth...but if in a week, a month or a year you find out he is lying, it's over. See if he want to re-edit the timeline.

Another tip that a cop friend told me is when you are talking to him, let him talk, don't interrupt. People hate pauses and silence and will keep talking, he will think he is control but will say stupid shot and contradict himself....say things like "and then what happened?" or "hmmmm", and make a note on your paper (it could be "fnck you".

Be strong, don't trust what he says. Good luck.

If I were to wager...

He will likely try to figure out what all you know so he can give you measured responses that fit what you know and what you are the most likely to forgive. From what you have mentioned, he is probably busy erasing/covering all his tracks. I would do what you can between now and when he gets home to learn as much as possible. When you confront SPEAK AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE, do not let him know what you know. Just let him talk. If you find out more information, do not reveal your source. He may shut down completely and not offer you anything. You need to know what you will do if he stonewalls you. He sounds like an overconfident moron who underestimates you. That your advantage.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but this phase is critical. There is another poster who is in the middle of her saga and she has handled her shit masterfully. I would highly recommend reading her thread before confronting you WH. It is a masterclass on dealing with these types. Her thread is still on the front page and it is titled "H is a complete stranger with a second life". She was very ready for confrontation and her WH stonewalled. She still handled it so well, I think you would benefit.

Keep posting here and DO NOT TELL YOUR WAYWARD ABOUT THIS SITE. If we give you any strategy help and then he sees it, the advice becomes moot.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 3:55 PM, Thursday, October 20th]

Gotta say, one year into marriage and he brought this woman into your home? To me, that indicates a huge lack of respect. Everything he said even fills me with disgust and honestly makes me wonder if he may be on something.

Brace yourself for a ton of trickle truths and gaslighting. I have a feeling the story he’ll give you will be full of holes.

Oh I’m so sorry you had to find us. His responses are straight out of the cheater’s handbook. Don’t expect much from him other than further manipulation.

I would follow the previous advice of seeing a few lawyers, get STD tested and go NC (no contact) until he returns.

When he gets home the only thing you have to say is "here is a pen, I want a full and complete timeline subject to polygraph".

I really don’t think there is much to save here, he didn’t just start cheating at the one year mark, he is more than likely a serial cheater and you just now caught him.

So sorry he’s done this to you.