SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, is it just me that yearns for their old life?

I did something stupid today. I wondered, aloud, to the XWH, if there was any chance of us being a family again (we have three young children, divorce was finalised at the end of last year).

He’s shot that down. Told me I’m a single mum. (And, as an aside, he also said it would be best for my children - the youngest is under 5 years old - to be brought up by a nanny so that I can work longer hours.)

I’m not heartbroken. But I’m aware that I had tiny, secret dream that this was all going to somehow go away…and that dream has now been shattered.

Any words of wisdom?

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 8:37 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

Acceptance is the only thing I can offer.

If you accept the reality you will stop hoping he will come to his senses and return to you with the intention of reconciling.

I’m sorry to say that he has moved on. And he puts his selfish needs first before his kids or you.

So sorry. I wish I had better options for you.

I think I harbored that little secret hope for a long time. I definitely was hurt when I realized that he really didn’t miss me or our life. I wanted him to go through some of the longing and pain I went through. So what do you do? You grieve that last little bit of hope being extinguished. And you dust yourself off and work on moving forward without him.

There was an earthquake here the other day. It was centered REALLY REALLY close to where my XWH lives. Really really close. I felt it, but I’m a few miles away. And I realized a few days later than not only did I not even consider reaching out to him to see if he was okay, he didn’t check in on me. And i was totally okay with that. My point— you will get to indifference. It really happens, in a sorta sneaky way.

Also WTF on the nanny.. Nannies are great, but what a dumb statement. Dad of the year, there. Sheesh.

Keep being an awesome mom.

Please don't be too hard on yourself Dear Lady...NO question is ever stupid. You yearned for your previous life...and the only way to find out if he wanted that too was to ask. That's all .

Your dream about going for R with your XWH may not be coming true...but that doesn't mean you have to give up of your dream marriage . Since it is a dream marriage...it can be with a dream man too !!

Seriously though...you are now FREE Dear Lady...and that in itself is a BLESSING!! When I started dating again after my 1st M ended...I was able to take my time...and focus on what I WANTED my life to look like . I had a toddler at the time and WE were a package deal. I sometimes joked to people that the man who became my 2nd H wanted a ready made family...and that was why I looked so GOOD to him !!!

Sadly...after 28 years...my 2nd H cheated on me too . But by this time...I had gotten stronger...and my 2nd H knew I wasn't going to be the same person I was when I caught my 1st H cheating on me.

I personally stopped all conversations with my xwh after a conversation like you had. I realized the OW was thinking for him and he was severely immature to let someone else actually think for him.

My xh wanted me to work more so his child support would go down and then he said that he’s the better parent and should get custody bc ow would be happy to take care of our children while he worked, since I was going to be working so many hours.

This is mind bending craziness. Try to stay far away from conversations with crazy people!!!

I decided he doesn’t get the privilege of talking to me, nor seeing me. I have my own calm life with my kids.

So, is it just me that yearns for their old life?

I think all of us do this from time to time. What is known versus what isn't? It's not hard to sink into the familiar comfort.

I remember feeling that way. Sort of like the bargaining part of grief - so if such and such happens then it will be totally okay.

It stopped when I got to the point where I didn’t want my old life back. I decided I wanted to be happy and have someone who really loved me and understood me and I felt safe with. And no matter what my xwh did, I could never have that with him and I never had it with him. He was always lying to me, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

I wish I could have had the marriage where we go old together and sit together at grandkids weddings where they talk about how their grandparents have been married for 60 years. But even if had been married that long I would have been unhappy. So I decided I didn’t even want it. I wanted to chance to find something better.

Perdita1,
As I'm sitting here preparing to head to my attorneys office to get the D ball rolling I'm feeling the same way. How much is going to be different and forever changed for generations to come, special events, the awkward moments at graduations, holidays etc.

For me I was married in the first round to a WH who cheated, now my X, and I raised 4 kids alongside my current WH. I know the road I am in store for with this D. My current WH really doesn't know the D road like I do.

I've sat around pondering what my WH's problems are, eating disorder, narcissist and a host of other mental disorders, all undiagnosed that WH has just wondering "can he be fixed". 15 years married getting ready to flush it all away.

I understand your yearning.

I think it's normal to lean into the comfort of our old lives.

Its not just you at all. I think about my old life all the time & find it almost impossible to move on. I just want him to want me again & for it all to go away. Its like a bad dream. In reality I know that he's moved on & I shouldn't even be wanting him back after what he did. I know I deserve so much better but I cant stop thinking about how happy I used to be before the affair that blew up our lives.I just don't know where it all went so wrong.

I try to completely separate the life I thought I had with what my STBXH was capable of doing to me.

Please, move on!!! Do not long for your previous life or someone who did not respect you, treat you with dignity, loyalty, or kindness.

Realizing that what I had was all a sham is difficult, but wallowing in the misery of that would only hold me back from the possibilities the future has in store for me. Your future is waiting for you!!! ❤️

Someone wrote on this forum … "Wherever he goes, there he will be." I think of that often when I hear he has been traveling overseas or doing whatever. If HE (the betrayer) is there, I would rather NOT be. I am thankful that I am no longer living a lie & stuck in infidelity.

My words of wisdom are simply to value yourself. You are worth so much more!