SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out before we moved in together my now husband was paying for phone sex and cam girls.

We have been together for 2 years and we just got married, we moved very fast we are in late 30s both previously married. He said he used porn often in past because he has erectile dysfunction and hardly ejaculates so felt less shame with phone sex or cam girls than hook ups.

I found out he also had a few personal massages and hand jobs from prostitutes prior to meeting me, years before meeting me. I asked about this many times and he always denied it.

I know by checking his bank the last time he paid for phone sex or cam girls was before we moved in together over a year ago.

The phone sex and cam girls happened within 6 months of our relationship and after that stopped.

The last thing he has done is watch a free porn video last summer according to him

I don't know what to do or think. Most of his past was before me and some of his entertainment happened in beginning of our relationship. I have no proof anything has happened since we moved in together.

Should I try to let him gain my trust again, or is it always going to be a liar that can't be trusted? This is my second marriage and my first husband cheated on me but was also abusive. My husband now is the best partner I have ever had except for lying about his past.

I'm so confused. Any insights?

Many men watch porn. The issues are when it takes over the sexual intimacy of the couple and becomes addictive. It sounds to me as if he used porn, massages while he was single. Also most people don’t reveal shameful things about themselves to a new lover. Since I am not clear on what you are concerned about I suggest you find a therapist who can guide you. If you love each other and enjoy intimacy with each other talking this over with a neutral party might help.

Many men watch porn. The issues are when it takes over the sexual intimacy of the couple and becomes addictive. It sounds to me as if he used porn, massages while he was single. Also most people don’t reveal shameful things about themselves to a new lover. Since I am not clear on what you are concerned about I suggest you find a therapist who can guide you. If you love each other and enjoy intimacy with each other talking this over with a neutral party might help.

If you are using your real name find a substitute.

I found out he paid to see a dominatrix in beginning of our relationship when we first started dating. He paid to secure a meet up but he claims he chickened out and didn't go.

He paid thousands in porn online in beginning of us dating.

He has claimed to have stopped before we moved in together. I see no proof he has done anything since beginning stuff.

That is what I'm unsure of.

And my name is not Greta, gretaoto is a butterfly.

I hope your husband has managed to stop the behaviors but if that was his modus operandi you need to know. I have followed several women online whose husbands behaved for the first couple of years and then reverted back to their secret lives. That is why a therapist who specializes in sex addiction might help. This is not to suggest he has the addiction but he was very busy right up to your marriage.

I'm a little confused about what you consider the violation of your trust and vows. Do you believe that using pornography alone is infidelity or is it the live-sex (phone sex and cam girls)? Or is it the paying for sex workers?

In terms of his Erectile Dysfunction, has he gotten medical treatment?

[This message edited by hurtbs at 4:12 PM, Saturday, September 10th]

Infidelity is abuse.

He met the dominatrix while we were dating. That is infidelity to me.

I haven't been able to see or find anything else since that time so since we've lived together and been married I haven't found any new meet up.

I found out because I saw an old charge and asked him he told me he never met her only put deposit down too, well i emailed her pretending to be him and she said the session took place once time. Again while we were dating but before we moved in.

He lied and now I don't know what to do.

I want to trust that he hasn't done anything like that again but his past regarding meeting sex workers has me worried. If he's using cash for it all now I would never know.

Read up on porn and addiction.

If you suspect he has some tripe of addiction, and you cannot live with this, you should decide sooner rather than 10 years from now.

His lying is an issue too. Not sure how you fix that either.

So sorry for you.

The more you write about his behaviors the more concerning this is. If he was in a committed relationship with you when he had sex with a dom then that is cheating. This is a new marriage. I would not stay but it is your marriage.

Okay, thank you for the clarification. It's very important to focus on the behaviors that you view as infidelity from the others that may be hurtful, but not necessarily something you consider cheating (e.g. pornography use).

I do not know if this information helps you or not. I had a friend who worked as a dominatrix. She told me that in the overwhelming majority of her work, there was no sex involved. It was truly about domination and humiliation of the paying party.

I'm sharing this not to dismiss his paying for the dominatrix, but to help give you a better context of what you may be dealing with here. Some men pay for sex work when they're not in a relationship. However, engaging a dominatrix is something all together different. I'm not saying that it's bad. I'm saying that he may be in to some extreme sexual behavior that could be incompatible with your relationship. The only way to get answers from that will be from him.

There are several ways to investigate and this site does have an "investigate forum" for members who make donations. You may want to check into that. Resources such as a keylogger may help you find out more information about his actions online.

In terms of finding out more, do you have the funds to hire a private investigator? That may be the only way to find out if he is still engaging with sex workers.

Edited to Add: Given his history of spending large sums of money on sex workers, I would encourage you to keep your finances separate so that his debts do not become yours.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 2:21 PM, Sunday, September 11th]

He has an addiction to porn. I found out he was even using YouTube to search for as close to porn as YouTube allows.

He has erectile dysfunction and cannot finish during any type of sexual acts, according to him he can't even finish himself off privately half the time. But if that was true why the constant porn?

I do not believe anything he says. I have been very open and asked him in past if he wanted me to be more dominating or to watch porn with me. He said no absolutely not.

Our finances are separate but I can't afford to leave. Rising rent costs and I don't make enough annually for a home loan.

We must live as roommates. I have a son from previous marriage with 3 years left of high-school. I can't move his home again.

I tried asking my husband many times about his issues and trying to suggest therapy and such but all he did was deny having addictions and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. All lies.

He has an addiction to porn. I found out he was even using YouTube to search for as close to porn as YouTube allows.

Why are you qualifying it as an addiction? A lot of people use porn, even frequently, and it really doesn't enter that realm. My XWH was a sex and love addict. I would say he had an addiction to porn because he would watch it for 8-14 hours a day every day, even at work (for hours at a time) or stay up until 2am watching it (when he had to wake up at 6am); this was before he could carry it around on his phone (who knows what happened then). He was a school teacher, using the internet at work to watch porn that could get him fired. Simply using porn is not an addiction. I'm not denying he has an addiction, I'm just asking for you to qualify why you feel it's an addiction rather than just a lot of porn use or an unhealthy relationship with porn. If you are very sensitive to pornography or have religious views around pornography, that can have a lot more to unpack.

He has erectile dysfunction and cannot finish during any type of sexual acts, according to him he can't even finish himself off privately half the time. But if that was true why the constant porn?

Maybe it's not true? If he has ED, he needs to be diagnosed by a specialist. ED can have varying causes (some of them quite serious, like heart disease), he needs to have it diagnosed by a professional.

I do not believe anything he says. I have been very open and asked him in past if he wanted me to be more dominating or to watch porn with me. He said no absolutely not.

If he is ashamed of his behavior, it's not surprising that he won't invite yo to join him into it. And a dominatrix is a whole other level of "dominating." They kick, pull hair, spit on them, call them names, etc.... often without sex involved.

Our finances are separate but I can't afford to leave. Rising rent costs and I don't make enough annually for a home loan.

I hear you. This is a reality for many people. Start planning your exit now, even if it will be a year or two out. Save money and plan.

I tried asking my husband many times about his issues and trying to suggest therapy and such but all he did was deny having addictions and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. All lies.

Have you gone to therapy yourself to help you navigate this? It's crazy making and hurtful. You need some support.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 3:34 PM, Sunday, September 11th]

I saw his medical papers from years ago, he was marked down as having erectile dysfunction. He was given viagra which didn't help.

He watched porn at work, he watched it before and after we had sex. He paid for it and I understand it is normal but I made very clear boundaries in the beginning and he said he accepted them yet he crossed every boundary. I am not okay with my partner blowing hundreds even thousands of dollars on sex worker digitally or in person. There is a different between watching a video versus chatting with web cam girls and paying them hundreds of dollars. I understand it was not my money but when he goes into a relationship with me saying what is his is mine and telling me he would never spend money on porn again, then did it that is a problem.

I can get past the porn, and dominatrix, and everything he has done what I am struggling with is trust. If him and I want to go forward and get therapy, how does anyone ever trust their spouse again? He has never told me the truth to begin with when the topic of sex comes up so if I want to go forward, how do I trust him?

I am fully aware half the stories on this site are a lot worse than mine, seemingly. I do not trust that he never met anyone since being with me, that is the issue. I don't want this to end truly, but I don't know how therapy can make me ever trust or believe him.

I saw his medical papers from years ago, he was marked down as having erectile dysfunction. He was given viagra which didn't help.

And like many men in his situation, I suspect he didn't go back for a follow up or an official diagnosis of the cause of his ED...

I am not okay with my partner blowing hundreds even thousands of dollars on sex worker digitally or in person.

I 100% get this. That is a lot of money and, if you are married, even if your finances are separate you both contribute. This feels like a double hit, both sexual and financial infidelity.

There is a different between watching a video versus chatting with web cam girls and paying them hundreds of dollars.

I 100% agree.

I can get past the porn, and dominatrix, and everything he has done what I am struggling with is trust. If him and I want to go forward and get therapy, how does anyone ever trust their spouse again? He has never told me the truth to begin with when the topic of sex comes up so if I want to go forward, how do I trust him?

Quite simply, you can't. Even when a BS truly believes they "know everything," it can take a long time to feel like you can trust your partner again. But you are 100% right, that you won't be able to trust him if he continues to lie. Why? Because he's untrustworthy.

I am fully aware half the stories on this site are a lot worse than mine, seemingly.

We don't compare pain here. Some are worse, some aren't. I've seen BS's on here recovering from a WS who had a literal second family for decades and others whose WS "only" had an EA or a ONS. Everyone's pain in their own. It doesn't matter if your story is "better" or "worse" than others.

If your spouse won't go to marital counseling with you, then please get into some individual counseling for yourself. I would also recommend reading up in the Healing Library about the 180. You can't fix a marriage alone. If he's not interested in doing that, then what you can do is focus on yourself and your own healing.

If I can add my two cents, I have a theory that it’s not the affair that actually kills the marriage. It’s the behavior after the affair that does.

I don’t know how you can trust him regarding the lying. Obviously if he stops lying that will go a long way towards healing the marriage. But that takes time.

Porn addiction is a tough thing to beat. And watching it at work is a huge red flag. That can get him jail time (potentially) depending upon what he is watching. Also he can get fired for that. So that is a very serious issue. And I suggest that needs to stop. But there’s no way you will know if it stops b/c you cannot police him 24/7.

I’m so sorry for you.

I wanted to add, if you believe that your spouse is a sex addiction (mine was diagnosed), then I woudl encourage you to to do a few things:
* Here's a great book that helped me: My Secret Life with a Sex Addict by Emma Dawson
* Go to the "I Can Relate" and read/post to the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts thread.

I'm not sure he's addicted to sex or the fantasy of online women. I think he's addicted to women in the sense that he needs to see other naked women to get satisfaction and I even offered to watch porn with him.

It is a problem because it affects our sex life. He has only finished during sex once in our entire two years and will not allow me to use my hands or he won't use his own to finish with me.

He separates sex and love and it affects our relationship. He had had issues with ED and ejaculation for so long that he has separated his life in two, sex and relationships. That is a problem for me.

He agreed to therapy and I guess we go from there.

Men who use porn to the exclusion of everything else usually have ED . I think he has used it so long that his body does not recognize the message to climax. There is info on the web