SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He says he already knows what the articles will say.

He knows what to do. He knows all the steps. He should know them. We had 16 years after D-Day 1 and we definitely followed the steps then. Until he didn't.

He says can't begin to be a faithful person until he fixes what is wrong within him and only a therapist can help with that. But he hasn't started therapy or even started the process. Cites money, new job, etc as reasons.

I don't understand why he feels like his case is so different.

He says can't begin to be a faithful person until he fixes what is wrong within him and only a therapist can help with that.

He is absolutely 100% correct.

However if he is failing to take action, you need to take action to protect yourself.
If you are willing to stay, you need to make his inaction really uncomfortable for him.
Kick him to the couch. No intimacy. Stop cooking and doing his laundry.
Set some firm boundaries.

We can NEVER make another person do something they don't want to do, however you do have the power to make that choice to not do what you want unpleasant.

Set some boundaries. Don't enable him to not get an appt w/ a therapist. See an attorney. Make sure he is aware that you have options as well.

He's not. You know it. We all know it.

Why, after all you've been through, are you letting him call the shots?

He’s not special lol.

He’s a coward who is afraid and running in the opposite direction of counseling due to FEAR.

He says can't begin to be a faithful person until he fixes what is wrong within him and only a therapist can help with that. But he hasn't started therapy or even started the process.

I agree with him completely, he absolutely does need to fix himself and his past issues first. Kudo's on that realization.

However that's like saying "I should really wash the dishes" and yet still sitting on the couch watching TV. Knowing what needs to be done, and actually doing it, are two different things. He knows "what" to do. But something is stopping him from doing it. And part of that, honestly, is most likely whatever he needs to address in therapy anyway.

16 years is awfully long time to still be floundering over getting therapy. Or going back to it. I'm going to take a risk and make a prediction... if he's had sixteen years to fix this and still hasn't taken steps to do so... he's never going to. On his own volition that is.

My wife says that no one makes changes in their lives until forced to. I find that to be true. Right now he's not doing the work, and he's not caring enough about you and what you need in order to make those changes in his life. So you get nothing of what you need from him, but it sounds like he's still getting everything he needs from you. Any wonder why he's not making the effort?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can make a suggestion. I would suggest having a "come to Jesus" type of moment and tell him that this is what you need from him, that he needs to go get help and make progress. What he does or doesn't know, what he feels or doesn't feel, what he cares about or doesn't... has no bearing on what YOU need from him. If he wants you in his life, then he needs to make an effort to provide what YOU need.

When it came time to have an affair, I'm sure he faced challenges. He had to fool you and lie about where he was and what he was doing. He probably had to spend money for things and hide that from you. He had to find time, and locations, to meet, and then come up with excuses and lies to tell you, and had to keep those ruses up. He had to find time to write emails and texts and phone calls, time to go out, be gone for a while, to find safe places to meet or talk or hook up. That's a hell of a lot of effort, time, energy, cost, figuring out, overcoming, adapting and changing to get what he really wanted, and guess what? He got it done!

So where is that same level of effort now? Where is that, "I'll over the challenges and odds needed to make this happen" when it is something YOU need? Doesn't HE want this marriage to work now? Doesn't HE want to be a better person? There where is that "get it done no matter what" attitude?

Please protect yourself. From this end of the internet, it sounds like excuses and justifications coming from him, which sounds a lot like where most WS's are at during the affair. Same patterns of thinking and acting anyway.

THis isn't about punishment for him. It's about consequences. It's about working hard at a relationship. It's about doing the right thing and being a self-respecting person. He needs to stop making excuses and shit or get off the pot.

Give him a goal, and a deadline. If not, also give him consequences.

Obviously I disagree with him on the usefulness of these forums.

I read everything I can find and see what is going wrong. Been slow on holding the line. For many reasons this time it's been so much more difficult and I thought the first affair was going to kill me. This time I think it might.

I've lost so much weight so quickly. I can't sleep. I do have a serious autoimmune disease and the stress is really affecting me badly. I've fallen three times this week.

I hope you can be patient with me.

Trying to get prepared for the probability that things aren't going to work out.

I don't understand why he feels like his case is so different.

I don't think I've ever met a WS who didn't think they were exceptional in some way -- including, unfortunately, myself. That's one of the great things about SI. When you read variations of the same story over and over, it gets harder to cling to the fantasy that you/your affair/your marriage/your handling of the aftermath make you a special snowflake.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call your physician that manages your autoimmune issue, and let them know what is going on.
In the meantime get yourself some protein shakes and drink 2 of those a day if you are not eating.
The last thing you need now is a hospitalization or a broken bone secondary to a fall from all of this.

Protect yourself. Get something to help with your anxiety so you can sleep and eat.
YOU should be your number one priority right now.

I did get boost shakes to bump up my intake but it's hard to get more than 800 calories in a day without it coming back up on me. I have nausea meds but they don't always work. Been given IV fluids twice and have lots of referrals scheduled for further evaluation. I'm often nauseated and throwing up. I have no appetite and nothing tastes good. Some of that is stress, some is meds, some is the disease process.

To answer a few more questions, I haven't been doing his laundry or cooking because I was already so sick before all this happened. Still he never complained. Never failed to be helpful.

Said he wasn't unhappy in our marriage or our lives.

Basically I take care of the pets and our disabled daughter when wh is on the road. She's 28 with severe autism. My daughters clean and shop for me and my sisters help a lot. AP was closer than a sister to me and she was also one of my caregivers.

I do think your replies have made me realize that it's not my job to send him articles or police his activity. I'm done with trying to teach him in that way. A deadline is perfectly appropriate. Gonna have to mull that one over for a bit.

Lack of meaningful consequences feels too much like enabling.

Unremorseful WS usually hate these forums.

He put more effort into cheating,than he has trying to repair the damage he's caused.

Damn it all. Damn him. Been trying so hard to read. Trying to watch anything on TV. Trying to feel a little relief just for a moment.

Reread this thread six or seven times. It's impossible to continue to be stupid and enabling because I'm smarter than that and you all reminded me of the basics.

I've been sick, yeah, I even got covid in December. Been barely alive. For the first few weeks I just watched the same movie in a continuous loop. I stopped participating in my own life. I've been crawling around on my knees figuratively.

Today it feels like there's a sea change going on. Maybe I'm still here right now, but I don't have to stay. I do have a choice.

I can choose to get out or get help. I can choose to stay. But trusting wh is not a choice. It's not possible. Not right now

I can choose to get out or get help. I can choose to stay. But trusting wh is not a choice. It's not possible. Not right now

Good for you, Susie. I can see you pulling your kicking boots on!

It's so hard to accept that we can't make someone do the work or even want to do the work to make themselves safe, trustworthy partners. And when we are out working them, it says a lot.

When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM
(although Maya Angelou also adds "the first time").

He’s not special lol.

He’s a coward who is afraid and running in the opposite direction of counseling due to FEAR.

This, exactly.

While it's absolutely true that he needs IC, he needs much more than that. Finding some enabling shrink who is going tell him what he wants to hear is not what he needs. He needs someone who is going to hold him accountable for his BS and make him do the work.

That's where this forum comes in. This forum contains the real life experience of thousands of people who have been in his shoes. They've done the same things. They've told the same lies. They will know his BS when they hear it and they will call him on it. That's what he's afraid to face.

So basically he’s telling you that he will continue to cheat.

Wow!! He really is "special" — and NOT in a good way.

I did waste some time last night talking to him about the importance of a group or mentor for the purpose of accountability. I say waste time because he responded with reasons it wasn't right for him.

Apparently it's creepy to share your intimate relationship with strangers on the internet. As you can imagine that didn't fly too well with me.

Also expects to resist the urge to cheat the same way he did in the past. Pretty hollow promise. At least until he gets in to a therapist.

Which I countered by saying 4 hours a month talking to a stranger at $189/hour isn't going to work some magic on a lifetime of dysfunctional behavior.

Then I read articles from different sources from 3 am til 8. Great resource for plain talk in a lot of ways.

He's going to have to do all the heavy lifting in this from now on. He's going to have to figure it out. I'm not here to help him find resources. I'm not here to police his thoughts or his actions. I can't fix him and it's not my responsibility.

There are still questions I need answers to. I'm still going to ensure my safety. I haven't left yet.

I do think your replies have made me realize that it's not my job to send him articles or police his activity.

Yep. You've led the horse to water.

Your only job now is to judge his performance.

He’s made his decision. Loud and clear.

I’m not saying you have to decide anything. D or S or R or something in-between — it’s up to you.

But I urge you to have a back up plan.

Have $ in your own name he doesn’t know about.

Have a support team available.

Get yourself some strategies to manage your health (in case he’s not very supportive).

Figure out what you want to do as his wife — you are not obligated to cook for him or do his laundry etc.

Just decide what is best for you.

So this is not his first rodeo and he is not even willing to do do anything to change his ways and making all types of excuses to not lift a finger to try to save his M after his huge betrayal (yet again), therefore your only logical choice is to consult a D attorney to know your legal options, then file for D, you can always stop it if he comes around (that's a big if), if he doesn't then just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity, at this poing he's not R material by a very long shot, life's too short and you deserve much better than this unremorseful cheater and liar, don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:03 AM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

But I urge you to have a back up plan.

Have $ in your own name he doesn’t know about.

Have a support team available.

Get yourself some strategies to manage your health (in case he’s not very supportive).

I second this. Unfortunately, he is NOT a reliable partner. The more dependence you have on him, the more you put yourself at risk. And I'm pissed for you. It's supposed to be the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you are experiencing.

For that, I am sorry.